When we slow dance

I'm in the midst of all of this. Finding myself having to make some kind of decision.

I caught him trying to be someone different than what he wanted me to see. When I try to take my space to turn and walk in the opposite direction he's there holding my hand trying to tell me that he liked me. He wants to continue this thing with me. I have no idea what it is but he's laying next to me and I don't know what I want. When he asks me I can't help but being honest. I can't stop wanting the feel of h is skin but I don't want all the bagging that its dragging with it. The jokes can make everyone else laugh but make me sink back into my chair feeling like a damn fool. I know what I have to do because I just can't anymore.

He is the gentleman. He checks on me. He takes consideration of me. And out of all of them he's got the highest rating. But at the same time I just don't know. I like being around him. I like that he wants to see me. Maybe with a couple more times I'll know. But at this point who knows.

He keeps telling me he wants to be with me but he doesn't even know me. He is getting feelings and this is a crush completely mixed up. He looks at me like I'm the girl. He is too young to know I never could be his. He'll try until he hurts himself. But I never made any promises and although I don't want to hurt him. I can't give him what he wants from me.

He entices me. I want to know what it's like to have his arms around me. He's been interested since the first time he met me. But the only thing I know right now is that he's no different than all the other ones that meet me and think I am the right girl to only not be ready for a girl like me. He says the things he thinks I want to hear and I'm not sure if he's trying to smooth talk or not but I'm not going to give in because this time it's business. And pleasure isn't something I need to be mixing with that.

I wish you would

And it's hard to dance with the devil on your back. So shake it out.

I find when one area of my life gets increasingly better, another part gets worse. The work I'm doing has me completely amazed in such a humble way every day. Meeting people I could only dream of seeing has been so incredible and living the life I had somewhat dreamed of here is so much more than I could hope for and I know I still have a long way to go, but if it keeps going this way I know I'll get there sooner than later. Bt at the same time there are sacrifices to be made.

He was someone who made me happy. I was letting myself really consider things until he put himself out the way he did and I read it all and thinking there is no way now. I can't find myself in an uncomfortable place like this. It's a shame but I always said this was nothing serious to begin with. He sat there eating and talking to me about future plans not knowing it was the last time he would see me. She said she would have never known it was the last time either. But I just can't do it to myself. I am better than that. And the possibilities arent enough to keep me here.

He left with a kiss and a smile and as I closed the door behind him it only took 2 hours to have another one at my door. He's full of hope because he caught the feelings he knows I can't. He wants me to want him in the exact same way. And although it comes down to the attention. He handles it with so much care and affection it's hard to pull away. And he gives itself away with his morning greetings and soft I miss you. But then he leaves and pushes himself away and its for the best. Because the day he made himself open I was on a train to go on the first date.

We walked to this random bar that ended up to be really great. And a realty great kind of romantic first date setting. We got the same amazing drink I will never forget and talked. And talked. And laughed. And talked. Walked to a park bench and talked. Walked to the bridge and he stopped me in the middle, over the water with the lights all around us. He gave me a look I know so well. And took me by the waist to kiss me. It was a moment I won't forget. But I don't know what going on with me. I just didn't feel anything. So I went home after we crossed the bridge he asked me to let him know when I got home. I did and went to sleep.

Then I realized I don't know what I'm doing, but I do know I'm ready for a relationship if it arises but not with any of these guys. I need someone who is going to turn me upside down and make me want more. And i just haven't found that yet. So I let go of my love life for my career and a lot of people might not agree with that but it works for me right now. And thats what matters.