it was incredible from beginning to end. it had its up and downs but when it all came down to it, coachella was an amazing weekend. i saw more acts this year than i got to see last year. and some performers had be realizing things about myself. nothing more than kanye though. mumford and sons definitely were a very very close second. but he got me when he performed certain songs. and i realized how much i really am better all by my damn self. i know tha tmight sound the way it sounds but it was real. i realized what i was doing with my life and i felt so humbled. the whole weekend had me feeling humble because i had people telling me they read my articles. i was watching bands perform that i interviewed. i started realizing how incredible things are right now and how hard i worked to get where i've gotten and now i have 50 days and i'll be in the hardest city to make it and although its intimidating, i'm so ready to go play with the sharks. i'm ready to go. i just need to go so i can touch the sky.
bittersweet you're gonna be the death of me. i don't need you but i want you. i love you and hate you all at the very same time.
I know i was mad at first. and i told him all about it today. he told me he understood but it still is something i need to let go. i told him i knew how i sounded but it hit me that i never had that person i ever went back and forth with and most girls come across that kind of relationship when they're like 15 or 16. i got mine when i was 22. i never went through something like that. all my relationships were long and there was no breaking up and getting back together. i've never told someone i loved that i never wanted to see them or talk to them again. and i've never had to go through any of that. and its so bittersweet. because she's sitting there across form me telling me she knows i would never take him back. and i'm sitting there wondering if that's true. what's wrong with me? i'm finally starting to get over the anger. i guess i'm going through my steps and he says he's just happy i'm going through it than not getting over it at all and not going through the motions to do so. but i am. its just i can't stop thinking about how i didn't know the last good bye was really the last good bye. do i sound crazy? because it sounds crazy to me, and i don't know why i'm thinking like that. but i am. because i didn't know i was going to be moving 3000 miles away and they always ask me why it matters. and i know it shouldn't. but it does. there was something about us that stuck to me and to know its really being left behind is whats the hardest part for me to swallow. it didn't seem real until everything else started to unfold. and it really was the last time i'd see him. those were really the last words i said to him and they can't be changed because soon enough i'm going to be on the other side of the states and that will be that. and i still think about saying that last thing. leaving it behind in a note. so i don't feel like i regret anything i said. but i don't. i don't regret anything i said. i just didn't know that was it. i didn't know that was really the last thing i would ever say to you.
and i wonder if you know what it means, what it means, to find your dreams.
I keep finding myself tripping into these situations. i try to walk away and find that i'm still standing in the same place but i keep it real. they still know what's up. its not like i hide it at all or any of my friends for that matter. i saw him and knew he looked familiar. i had to keep looking up and my neck hurt after a while. its hard when you're 5'2" and that dude trying to talk to you is 6'6" but it makes sense when he was a professional basketball player in europe. he impresses me with his travels, his multiple languages, his degree, and his all around personality. i didn't think i would hear from him after that night until i got the friend request. and then the messages started and i just couldn't help myself. and although it might be easy to question how i go from talking about how i'm still affected by someone else and then go talking about these other guys that keep going in and out of my life right now. but what you don't understand is that i don't take any of them serious. and to be quite honest, i really don't want to. nor do i have to. he sat there next to me on the grass and looked at me and said he knew he had ruined it for all the next guys trying to talk to me. i don't know how much of that is true. i think tis more of the fact that i'm leaving that i just don't care. that i don't find myself taking anyone serious right now. i'd rather just get there and focus on my career and myself and let all this go. i'm going to see him saturday and whatever happens, is what's going to happen. at least i could make a new friend. like i keep saying i don't even want to get close enough to smell a potential relationship right now or any time soon.
i hadn't heard from him in a while but it was nice to get back in touch and to know he's going to be there when i move. to know i got someone with the same kind of steeze as me to show me around and introduce me to things i probably wouldn't have known otherwise. i am very lucky to be blessed with people like this in my life because i know i get to go over there and have both friends and family to support me. this is just a new chapter which is super cliche' to say. but thank God i'm an optimistic person because i'm ready and i'm not scared. i thought i would have some kind of hesitation but i don't. and i never did. which i hope is a good sign. i know my head is in the right place but sometimes i think he might be right that i'm trying to be making something more in my head so i feel like i'm leaving something. but i know everything will change when i leave. i'm not expecting anything to stay the same. i just hope that i can handle all the change and make it all for the better. he tells me its okay if it happens out there. and i know it is. i'm not against the idea. i just don't think i'm ready for it yet. and he says i'm right but that i can't just shut myself off. they tell me it was never me. but if i have to hear that one more time i think i'm going to scream.
i know it was never me. i know there were other issues for him that were outside of me and probably outside of himself. and although that might have me weary of even wanting to let myself be in anything else. i need to do more with myself before i can give my all to someone else. i tried that and it bit me in the butt. and no matter how much people say it wasn't me. it kind of was. because i should have walked away long before i ever actually did. i could have prevented so much of this if i had just never said anything. if i had just let it all go. but i didn't. and so i am a little responsible. not for the ending but for the way it dragged on. the fact that i let myself go through all of that. i never cared about anyone like that before so i guess i proved something to myself but i really wish i would have just let the lesson go. and yet here i am. sitting and typing about it because when he asked me why it matters when we were sitting there, all i could think in the back of my head was, "because there's still this love for him deep in the pit of my heart. and it scares me so much." but i'll be damned if i really admit that to anyone.
