Why don't you

Fuck what you heard.

There are parts of people's lives that are supposed to make you stop in your tracks. But he comes across with these pieces of valuable information that have me slowing down but not stopping.

We went to enjoy ourselves. 24 floors up and I was engulfed in the lights of the city. With a drink in mu hand and feeling literally on top of the world, I couldn't care about the things i just can't change and the things that just won't change me. I was completely happy in the way things were in that moment but he crossed my mind and I just wanted to talk to him but stopped myself instead.

It was already the early morning when we left to go to the rowdy place with the mechanical bull. Dancing, drinks, laughs, and an all around good time later we parted ways but she went with me to further my wants and needs. I didnt want to just show up but it was too late to turn back around and I just didn't want to. We walked down the steps and I could hear my nerves pounding with the music of the club.

I gave my name and they ushered us in to where he was. I looked at him and just wanted to touch him. He had our drinks made and we headed to the dance floor. Dancing for a few more hours and then going back for more. She was distracted with a distraction and I was feeling something when he said, "that's her man." a truth and a lie mixed together. Officially unofficial without a word of any of it. We laughed and he made us another drink. And I knew I was going home with him. The lights turned on and everyone went slowly home. He laughed at me and told me he was jealous I got to go home with him and that he was my man. I smiled but was still unsure of it all. We walked out and the sun was rising. We got in the cab and I had no intention of doing anything but going to sleep. He on the other hand...

Mixed bodies, tangled emotions, and erotic scents of skin later, I was totally satisfied. He held me close as we went to sleep. All track of time was lost and soon the thunder and lightning outside was so loud it felt like it was outside his window and as the rain came pouring down he grabbed me close to him again and lifted me above him like I was jus a play thing. I felt the chills roll over my skin and felt the heat counter the coldness of the rain outside. Wrapped up in our own little world there, the day slipped from us. W left in the early evening and I ran caught in the rain to meet with her.

W ate, laughed, and caught up. She told me she had a friend she wanted to introduce me to and instead of saying, "I'm kinda seeing someone right now." I just permitted the date she was trying to set up. I realized that io just still can't put myself into the position of anything serious and its hard because I really enjoy our time together but I just need to still see what's out there right now because I'm still too jolted to find myself in anything serious with someone.

He told me I need to stop thinking so much and just let myself feel something. That he knows I'm doing this because I don't want to look at how I really feel. That might be true but it's mostly because I don't know exactly how he feels about me and I'm not going to do that to myself again. I'm not doing a back and forth thing with a hot and cold guy who thinks he can come and go as he pleases in my life. And so I put off thinking about how I really feel about it so I don't have to and tell myself a serious something is not for me because then I won't have to look at how I really feel and I won't have to go through this anymore with someone who really couldn't give a shit. I know you aren't supposed to have someone payforsomeone else's mistakes and I'm sure eventually I'll learn that with all of this but for now I just can't help thinking my heart has been through too much to be ready for this. And that has nothing to do with him. But everything to do with me.

Oh you see

It won't mean a thing to me. I've been doing this too long. If you try to play it low ain't nobody going to care enough. So don't make me make you fall in love with someone like me.

You wanted to warn me but I was always the one that needed to warn you.

He told me without telling me like he was going to hurt me. Like he was going to break me to pieces if he did. But he wouldn't have. Because it's all in e past now and I really don't care anymore. None of it matters to me anymore. I don't love you anymore and it feels more real now than it ever did before. And it's okay. I assumed you would. I assumed it had been long enough for you too. Especially since it was always me you just couldn't be with. And at the end of the day, it never had anything to do with me. And now I'm gone.

We sat there talking and eating and I started realizing we had much more in common than I actually thought we would. Two days later I didn't expect to hear from you but I did. W walked throu the door and it was definitely not what I was expecting. But there was something about seeing you again that had me realizing I wanted to see you but didnt need anymore than that. She was leaving and I was dead set on leaving with her until I saw that look in your eyes and she told me I needed to stay. The way our bodies moved together when we danced had me wanting much more than I would have if I had left. And when we walked out the door i could smell the dawn like it had been waiting for us to come out of hiding. We walked up the marathon of steps to your front door and I remember feeling a sudden urge of anxiety and nervousness.

When we sat there I saw that look on your face and as you carried me to the room I couldn't help but feel totally relaxed. And then there was all of it. From the heat to the skin to the 8 pack I could feel on my finger tips to the sweat to the chills to the complete chemistry of it all. I left not knowing exactly what had happened like it was all some cast fantasy dream.

Sleeping till the next night to wake up dazed. He invited me out to drinks but I could only think of the nit I had with you. Well the early morning. He wanted me the way he did years ago and I couldn't do anything but walk away from him like i was still his friend back then. He doesn't want to know nothing has changed so I leave it alone like it hasn't.

I went to make something of myself and did. Probably e biggest opportunity in my career this far. And I'm only hoping something amazing comes from it. But I won't let my hopes get too far ahead of me and just try my best.

I went to see you free and I remember how surprised I w to see you walking up the other side of the street to meet me in the middle. Hours went by and walking, talking, eating, drinking, playing video games, movies, and music later, we found ourselves completely wrapped and intertwined yet again. It went by like a hot scene in a movie with the right music playing as our soundtrack. I didn't want it to stop and it didn't until we totally passed out. But I was satisfied feeling the heat of your body next to mine. Waking up to you kissing me was perfect. And I could've laid there next to you all day. Bt the I had to leave.

And yet I still don't want anything more than exatly what this is right now. Broken hearts a he'll of a fickle thing to get passed.and I only hope it makes the right choices for me in the long run. Because I'll be damned if I do to anyone what he did to me. Where he ever knows the severity of it doesn't even matter because it will never matter to him.

Now I'm enjoying the satisfaction in his touch. So touch me again and make it start all over again.

like i'm indestructible

starting over somewhere new is like living life for the first time all over again sometimes. or at least that's how i feel. I moved into my new apartment and its like a whole new something inside of me came out. IT sounds so weird but this place feels so much like home that whenever i'm here i have this all encompassing calm relaxed feeling of peace. it makes me so happy to be here and to stay here. I guess this really is the beginning of something completely new that i really love.

Besides that I find myself sometimes zoning off. I don't know why but its like I'm not completely satisfied yet. not to say i'm someone who isn't ever satisfied, but i'm just not satisfied with the way things are yet. I still have a ways to go but taking it one day at a time. and i'm sure one day i'll get there and God knows i'm trying but emotional i'm still hidden inside myself like i'm too afraid to let it out.

she gives me advice that keeps me thinking to myself i can't give up on it yet. and he has this way of calling me out when he sounds me questioning myself. He says i haven't had those conversatoins with myself that has me realizing what it is i really want and what i am ready for. I have too much going on right now for all of that.

he came around and was this person to be somewhat interested in. We were sitting there eating delicious food and I realized we had much more in common than I thought we would have. And we laughed and talked like we'd known each other for some time. But then I saw him in action. And I realized there were things about him that I didn't like. It was cute to see him get nervous enough to spill drinks and drop things. But the other stuff I saw was just a turn off. Maybe for some girls that stuff is a turn on but he always told me I was never like most girls. I never have been and I never will and that might be why I've had so much trouble in the relationship department but I don't care enough to change being different. I'm relaxed in my relationships and I've come to notice that it tends to be too easy for some people to hang with. but i don't see a problem with it.

letting go and hiding back inside myself all at the same time.

i guess what i was feeling is all in the past tense now.