Revelations

Last night I had a dream about you. We were here sitting in a park. You were telling me about her and I was telling you about him and everything was fine. I was eating mamoncillos and you asked me what they were. I told you they were quenepas and you took the branch in your hand. The leaves began to wrap themselves around your neck. I told you to be careful, but you told me you were fine. and you were as if you didn't care. In that moment I realized that it doesn't matter how I feel about any of this. Not that it doesn't matter so much as it doesn't matter to my situation or yours. Regardless if i'm at peace, angry, sad, whatever. It isn't going to change anything. That's what I needed to understand.
Sitting across from her at that table and talking about everything in such a real way she knows what it is. We sat and she tells the story from your side which is why I think she always defends you. she was you in her situation and I was him. The one that had to learn to be patient. the one that had to stick it out even when you left. She left him too and she was the one that came back and knows how that feels. Sometimes I think I do have to remind myself that this is fresh for you and that you are really starting over in this. This is a fresh start. I like that I can sit with her and tell her exactly how I feel not feel judged but that's how its always been. she knows that I worry from time to time about your past situation because I had talked to her about it the day I read your note. and talking about it and then reading that just really freaked me out. I think that was more the basis of my freak out than anything else. Because if someone could come back from your past and make you think or do that the way you did then what is going to happen if you the one that was serious comes back tomorrow? I have to trust you. I have to trust in you. And in us to know that I don't have to worry about it. But she is right. For both of those things to happen on the same day really put my mind in a funk and it makes me sick to think about because the way you worry about losing me is the I worry about losing you. And now I have to think that the place you took that circumstance is hopefully the farthest you would ever take it in the eyes of temptation. God save me, I'm so tired of feeling like I have to talk myself out of my fears of abandonment because the subject is just so worn thin.
I don't think my fears are as severe as they were but I think that whole situation shook me up more than I told you or even more than I thought and I think that's because I wasn't as secure in the idea that I was the only one. Or that you didn't still think of that person in your past. I think that has to do with the fact that the communication wasn't there as much as it could have been and I realize that it makes me feel like you're hiding something. When you can't tell me how you feel how do I know its what you're feeling? It took that situation for me to really know and now I do, but before that I was finding myself questioning you. I never want to question you and not say anything about it because I just couldn't. With me, that only furthers my fears because I don't want to project and force you to say things when I know you don't want to say them. Then to hav that thought in my mind and read that. Oh God. to read those words. I thought it was all over and I was right. It wasn't even about what it was really about. And even then, I have to trust that that's what really happened when my mind was already where you put it. Nowi'm typing this and its really all coming out. I didn't know I still felt like this.
I love you. and that's putting it lightly. There is this way that you think about someone in this organic sincere way that is how I think about you. When I think of our love, its like it flows out of my body and intertwines with yours. And even with all of that, I still have to get over these thoughts I have. It's just that situation scared me. more than I let myself believe. I trust in what you said, but its going to take me some time I think to let go of those fears. I know you said you would do what you could to win back my trust. I believe you. I just think that now that I realized what this really was about, makes me understand more now what needs to be done. This fear won't be here forever. Because at the end of it all, you are the end all be all and I've known that for quite some time.
disappointment is a word I've become accustomed to. talking to you almost makes my skin crawl. you ruin all of my happiness and hope in a single sentence like its second nature and by this time it just is. I don't know why I still let it get to me. I guess because at some point I thought I might get your approval but I know now that's never going to happen and I need to just let that go. I need to let it go. I need to let it go. I need to let it go. just let go. just let go. just let go.....just breathe.

Everything

Once there was a time when this song was my favorite. I was a teenager hoping and praying love was still something possible. I thought about it all the time that i almost obsessed about it. It was also at a time when no one did. and they all let me know they didn't and couldn't. I went a long time with that constantly being the case and somewhere in the back of my mind I feel like i carried this song next to Sade's "King of Sorrow". Then there was soldier of love which I think has won over all. Because most of me wanted to just give up so bad and I think a lot of me did. slowly the feeling took its time to come back and make what its become now. It still has a long road ahead but the hope is starting to grow more. I saw the words and I didn't feel anything. I then saw the photos all over facebook and instagram and still didn't feel anything. I was more proud of myself in that moment that i didn't. There was so much hurt and heartbreak there for so long. Which is evident in all of my posts from those years. It took me a while to get over everything and to finally let it all go and i let the last of it go when i ripped up everything that was left and threw it away. It was a huge part of my past because it was that moment I thought I had finally let myself really love somebody and I did. But no for who you were. Not for who we were. But for the potential I thought we could be. None of it was real. Everything was this idea I had made up in my minds drowning in my "what ifs" like they were my salvation. I thought you were everything I needed, and it turned out you weren't even close to it. I appreciate the experience because I can appreciate going through the heartbreak I did. The pain that occurred because more than ever it made me realize the incredible love I am have and am capable of now. The next day it did feel a little weird. News I knew I would hear eventually and I did feel weird. But it all went away with him. It all went away because of him. He saved me from myself. I don't know how much he'll ever believe that or know it. But it is the truth. I neglected to stop it in that moment. I know you thought I didn't think of you. I did. I chose wrong and I apologize for that. I should have just realized the situation. Its new for me to consider how much you care now. Just as much as its new for you. I shouldn't make the excuse that you've never cared before but that's where my head was. I didn't think anything of it. But I'm starting to realize there are things that I have to know just because I don't take them as seriously, that you might and I need to think about that. It was never something I was trying to do to make you jealous or weird. Because you usually don't get jealous or weird. There was a boundary there and now I know that. I get letting you be mad at me for a little bit. and i get that when i'm mad i need to yell for a little bit to get over it. You seem to want to be quiet to get over it. I don't think that's going to help because I know us talking it out sometimes helps you more but I can't force you and I can't do anything about it if you don't want to so i sit there quietly and let you be angry at me because I don't know what else to do or to say. and I want to give you your space. But I hope you always believe i would never do anything to purposely hurt you. I want to be happy in the way things are going right now but i'm not. I'm not doing what i want and although this opportunity is better than the situation i'm in right now, its not what i want. I start to doubt myself and wonder what i'm doing with myself. I'm taking the deal because its the only one to take right now. I can always get out of it and i'm going to keep trying for other things. I just need something else. I don't feel happy to have this. Although, i should be grateful. But i feel unhappy. and the only time i do feel happy is when he's around. so when he's unhappy and i'm trying to cheer him up and can't i just start to feel...I don't know i guess i just.... I have to believe that despite my unhappiness, there is a plan for me. I can hide what I will, but there is a plan, and its meant for me. and as i've learned so many times before, I have to take the bad to get the good. to appreciate the good. and to know when it gets here.

Better

I want to be better. I want to be better all the time. I'm a difficult person. Full of complications. My life sometimes spirals so far from my reach. I've put you through a lot by now I know and you've done well to keep a level head and put me in my place. But sometimes I feel like I have to work so hard for your love. I'm happy to do it as long as there is reciprocation. I know the type of person you are the kind of relationship I was getting myself into. Loving you has always been an honest feeling for me. But loving me still feels so foreign. There are these times when you say things that really hurt and I can't help but feel hurt about it. She says I need to learn how to let those things go. And I know that but it gets hard to do sometimes when it hurts in the way it does.mand I know I guilt trip, but there's a side of me that wants you to know how I'm feeling. I get frustrated with the things around me. Especially lately.

Evolution

I've never seen fear than that moment I looked in his eyes as I was about to walk out the door. There was this pure moment of desperation as he grabbed my arm. I had enough of the silence. I was making a point. I need the words. I needed to know. and i was slipping through his fingers if he couldn't tell me. But it was all like a bad dream. It was by accident. completely by accident. I thought I was going to be looking at my e-mail. until the first one that popped up on the screen was the words I never wanted to read. The pain was instant. The feeling of my chest caving in had ruined me. my stomach couldn't take the stress and my hand was shaking as I dialed his number on my phone. He didn't see it coming but had a feeling. I raised my voice and I yelled. Now that I knew, I just needed to know. My heart was breaking just waiting and when the first words were an obvious lie, it was like a nail right down the middle with one more hit, it would have cracked and broken into a million pieces. I scavenged for my last bits of hope as his truths began to finally come through. Something so stupid, but so lethal all the same. His nervous laugh is where I couldn't stop my anger. It was as though he was laughing at my pain. I was hurt and trust was gone. And in my mind it was over. It was like an out of body experience and I was watching myself walking away. Not because I wanted to but solely because I wasn't sure if I could let myself be in a situation that would hurt me this much. I could hear the apologies in his words, and the sounds of his voice made it real. But these conversations over phone lines are not going to be fixed so easily. I went to sleep knowing he wouldn't. I woke up feeling utterly empty. I looked over to find his words of shame. But I still felt nothing. For a moment I was afraid that maybe the love had really left my body while i was sleeping. But then I realized as i was sitting on the train, the pain was seeping back into my body which could only mean love. I was hardly living, when I had finally had enough. I called her and she made it clear to me as she usually does. she talked me out of my tree and brought me back into the light. But I needed to see his face when he explained himself. He waited outside for me. We walked in silence. We moved in silence. We sat in silence. I needed to wash my body of the days turmoil. I sat there and asked him why. He sat in silence and i just couldn't take it. This was a moment of do or die. and he sat in silence. I told him I would leave without words. and he sat in silence. I had enough when I got up. but his eyes i can still see when i close mine. He expressed his fears and I understand but I can't understand detroying the thing you love the most. But then again, neither does he. Our lives are becoming intertwined and he never accepted it until now. That feeling of utter pain from the thought of losing everything was everything in itself. That moment he laid his head in my lap and the truths of his real fears came out, I couldn't help but want everything we are in that moment. I never knew just how much he loves me until then, and I'm sure he didn't either. There has only been one other time when he showed me and told me how much he wanted and needed me. And even this time was much more than that. This time his love finally came out flowing around use like the perfect wave. He wouldn't let me go, afraid that i might magically disappear from his sight. The next night we talked, we walked, we embraced, and when he took me home, we made love for the very first time. The music was filling the room as his hands moved down my back and I could feel his skin on mine. I could feel his love with every passionate kiss. I knew in that very moment the things I had always known from the moment I knew I love him. The man I would spend forever with was holding me in his arms and the world around us seemed perfectly at peace.

the real thing

In these moments I let myself fall so deep in love with you. Although I wish you had your own words to say to me to tell me just how much I mean to you. But I think that is just me wanting more. I love hearing the words you tell me when you do. It is far and few between and although you tell me you love me practically every day sometimes I just want something else. I want to know why. Why you love me and why I mean something to you. I might sound selfish and I probably am, but I can't get enough of this love. The night could not have gone better. She sang our song and she sang this song. We went to one of the places we love and ate great with drinks. We went out and had more drinks and it made me feel so great to know that we can spend time together like that and enjoy each others company and not get enough. You give me such confidence and I love it. The night was perfect. You brought me flowers that were purple because its my favorite color. they sat us at our own table and we ate amazing food and spent some great quality time together. They brought us our own dessert with a happy anniversary note. A year since our first date and although we didn't start off on the best of terms, we've grown so much and I can see it in you all the time. There is something real. This is something real. and I see it every day