dear storyteller

so here is what it is:

I want someone who wants to be with me all the time. I want someone who is scared because i hold their heart in my hands. i want someone who thinks about me always even when i'm not around. i want someone who doesn't have to me near me all the time but would rather have me around. I want someone who sees me for everything i am and still wants me anyways. I want someone who kisses me in a way that i can feel all over my body. i want someone who thinks holding hands is as intimate as i do. I want someone who gives me that look like they are so lucky to have me. I Want someone who wants me. I want someone who makes me feel sexy. I want someone who lets me be angry from time to time. I want someone who makes decisions. who is opinionated but not in a selfish way. someone who will go places with me because they want to, not because they feel obligated. i want someone who understands what i'm saying when i tell them to listen to a song. i want someone who reads between my lines because i can't always say what i really mean in the right ways. someone who will go to disneyland and who will just be as excited as i am to be at the happiest place on earth. someone who won't look at me like i'm crazy when i'm yelling at the laker's game. someone who will cook for me but won't always make me wash the dishes. someone who brings me sunflowers or daises when its not a birthday, holiday, or anniversary. someone who will give me space when they know i really need it. someone who will keep me on my toes.

I need someone who's going to keep up when i'm always going 100mph. i want someone who's going to feel me. i want a real love. i want someone who is going to see me at my worst and still think i'm at my best. someone who will be honest. someone who will respect me. someone who won't be afraid to say what they really mean. someone who believes in my dreams. someone who completes me. someone who will want to go to that concert with me because they know all the songs. someone who will understand the life i've had to live. someone who won't feel bad for me because of what i've had to go through. i want someone who will call from time to time even when they know they don't have to but only because they want to. i want someone who is going to tell me they love me just as much as they are willing to show me. i want someone who is going to be there.

i want a love that lasts. i want to find my story in an epic love. and i don't care if it means me waiting my whole life to find it. and although i want all these things, i wouldn't mind if it was not meant for me. because i realize this is a lot to ask for. and i realize this is hard to find. but i can still be hopeful. i can still have a faith i've always held on to. even if it was never meant for me. because some how some way, i still believe you're out there hoping for me too. and i know you'll be wanting all these things i will be more than willing to offer.

i write stories to find mine

don't know why

its a week from christmas and i'm starting to realize that i'm finally getting excited for it. i've been really numb to the whole idea lately. don't get me wrong i do enjoy getting gifts for my friends and family and watching their faces when they open it cuz i take pride in knowing the right gifts to give people. but its been seeming like christmas is not my time of the year anymore. but i guess that's just the way it goes. i'm really just hoping that 2010 holds a lot more opportunities for me than '09 did. i've had a lot of heart break this year the biggest being losing my grandfather and that still weighs on my heart. so i'm trying to keep all my hopes up that my luck will finally change for this coming year and some good will happen to me. i heard this song the other day and the guy sings "all i want for christmas is to give my love away" i was always hoping that would be possible for me, but doesn't look like its going to be this year. which i'm not entirely sad about mainly because the move will be coming soon. i'm starting to feel like i'm getting pulled in the direction i thought was going to be my natural talent and i'm starting to think it might be the best idea. but i have to finish this book. the prologue and chapter one are pretty much finished. its just a means of getting the rest together which i think i can do. i keep looking at my brother's bob marley portrait i should have had done a while ago and i start working on it but not for long. i can't seem to get myself to spend that much time working on it. i mean i've gotten a good chunk of it done but its still has a lot of work to be done on it. i can do it. i guess. haha

i'm so scattered brain i feel like this year has kicked me around a lot harder than any before and i keep finding myself standing up after every single blow but when is it enough to just stay down. but my stubborn self just can't seem to stay on the ground. i know i'm learning something from all this and there is a growing experience from all this but it would be nice to catch a break every once in a while. i mean i understand not all the time. but once in a while. and i hate that i'm hoping my one break will be me running into love like running into a wall soon. i guess i'm just going to have to wait till i move and start my life all over again. won't be the first time and i'm sure it won't be the last.

i don't know i guess i just...
never can say good bye

fear

"Dont believe the lies.
Look me in my eyes.
Please dont be scared of me.
Please dont be scared of me.
I remember you.
This feeling isnt new.
So please dont be scared of me.
Please dont be scared of me."
-drake

I finally got to tell her the events of my heart breaking and telling her is what makes this whole thing sit in my stomach. telling her makes everything real. i'm letting it out of my soul recalling all the events that left me on her bed crying my heart out and finally catching myself to realize this was it and it was all done here. i'm trying to keep what he said out of my head that being on a yo yo doesn't mean its over but only means he's needing some time. but i know its better that i just keep telling myself its over and its done from here on out and that was the last thing i ever said to him and that i don't regret it. im sitting there telling her that i just can't make him out to be the villian in this story because no matter how much i hate this and i hate that he couldn't just tell me how he really feels and that i hate that every time i looked in his eyes i felt like he was always hiding something from me. because here we are. and here it is and no matter if there are those things. somewhere in my heart i'm still hoping that he turns around and realizes it was always me this whole time. i can hide that though. i can hide that deep in the hole in my heart and never let myself know the truth. and although lying to myself might not always be the right thing to do. its the remedy to my broken heart because when it comes down to it i can move on even if i can't get over it. there will always be a replacement and there will always be a distraction. it might not resolve the pain i feel but at least it will help me from all this because i'm not going to continue believing you're going to show up on my doorstep any time soon.

i don't get bitter i get better

There's that moment when it comes over you like a wave. its like a wave hitting you and you can't seem to shake the pain it gives your entire body and you want to give up. you really do. but deep down there's something that tells you that its almost impossible. you keep thinking its almost impossible. because you always thought that this person was going to be one to tell you that you were always the one the whole time and although they tried to hide there was no resisting the inevitable. i took a chance in human emotion and again i say being human is just so human sometimes. i almost forgot what it was like to hurt this bad and yes i can't be the hypocrite. this is all apart of the falling, because around the corner is another person to pick me back up again. and i cant keep thinking that this was just it and i'm forever going to be alone because why wouldn't he want me. why didn't he want? why didn't he want me? why couldn't he want me? and although it screams with rejection. rejection is only a lesson that constantly needs to be learn for the concept of value. and i can't let myself fall into thinking i'm too superior for rejection because lets face it? i find it more than i really wish i would. i might have lost another one to the winter time, but after winter comes spring. and although you broke my heart. and i'm not going to deny you did. i'll get over this like i get over everything else. because although this is pain. i've done pain before. and its nothing i can't get over. and if you ever decide or realize i really was your perfect fit. i can only wish you the best in what you do and hope everything works out for you. because i refuse to let myself think bad thoughts about you. but once i'm done there's no looking back. ever. so good night and good luck. and i honestly hope all your dreams come true. but now i'm hoping none of them have anything to do with me.

breakdown in transit

You know when you've hit that moment of no return? when you've made a decision that puts that pain in your chest like an elephant is sitting on top of you? well I have just entered that zone where all the thoughts i have in my head are telling me i made the right decision but my heart is finally telling me i'm in love when its too late and i just can't go back. my heart is aching but i can't seem to see what else i could have done. it comes in waves where i feel like i've lost my best friend. but what else was i suppose to do? if he was me. if the roles were reverse i don't see how he would do anything different. If you found the person you were almost certain was your soulmate but knew that they just didn't want to be with you. would you stay? would you stay their friend knowing every time you talked every time you spent with each other was just more validation that you were almost made for each. that you just fit like a puzzle piece, always knowing that that person just didn't want you. would you really stay? i just couldn't bring myself to keep feeling this way for someone who just couldn't see themselves with me. i had to let it go. it might not have been fair and it might have been the fairest way to go about it, but it had to be done. i don't know what else i was suppose to do. i can't be riends when at the end of the day it hurts to know that he just can't feel the same way i feel about him. I almost wanted to shake him and scream "can't you see we're perfect for each other" and "why can't you just love me back damnit" but there's no forcing a feeling that's not there. and i wasn't trying to give him an ultimatum. or force him to choose. because in the end someone would get hurt and this way even though we're both hurting. I can try and get over this. I can distract myself with other things. even if my heart still hurts for him. because he was my best friend. and i did lose him that night. the worst part is the pain but i still feel like i made the right decision because it was the only option i had. and it hurts me to know if he's hurting about it too but i just don't know what else i'm suppose to do when i feelings for someone who just doesn't feel the same way for me.

wonderin'

i can't wonder anymore. i'm letting it all go. and the thing about it is. although it might break my heart. at this point i'd rather be without you then be on this see saw trying to figure it out. good bye love. see you on the other side

you

from beginning to end i keep thinking it is you. and all this is you. i'm trapped in an idea of everything we could be and i want to write i have so much to write but i don't know where to begin and i'm starting to realize with all this tragedy comes something i can grow from. so i'm trying to stop asking myself what have you dont for me lately and trying to get down to the point where it just doesn't matter anyways. so take me. stop messing around and just take me. you know we are great but you just won't take me and i can't wait here all day. i don't want to be the one singing those lyrics that its been a year and i'm still not your officialy girl. so stop messing with my heart and show me where to go from here. i'm not ready to go back and forth trying to find the ends to your side of the rope. so lets stop pretending and show me what it means to hear the truth from you. i'll drop this like its hot but i'm still going to find yuo in the background holding on to me like i left bread crumbs for you. i'm losing sight of where this all began and i'm ready to look away like i never knew you were there but something has me holding on to you because how can you deny finding what you've been looking for, for the very first time? it spooks me like i'm running from the light and you see it and i'm hoping it doesn't encourage bad behavior but there is only so much i can keep myself from realizing and i'm letting it all go now so now its your turn cuz i won't be standing here for long and i don't want to be int hat situation when someone else finally comes who wants to take me there and you finally tell me you're ready

caught inbetween

he's says its obvious that something has changed. there is something that has changed but i don't know what that could be and i know i have to ask to find out and i don't mind taking that step but its got to be osmething different when crossing the line of friends means you grabbing my face and kissing me like you've been meaning to the whole time. my mind wants to love you. but my heart says it just can't. i'm stuck inbetween you and i don't know where to go next. the rational side says going with the flow might be where i find my soul. but am i ready for you to burn me again? and is it rational to believe that you're always going to hurt me in the end? i want to be yours in such a complete way but find myself holding back even when you're trying to embrace me. i want you to hold me till i can't feel the heat anymore. but it never seems to go away when i keep trying. i keep trying. and i'm going no where. and i'm wondering if you're going to be there when i get there because if this was the good timing would you still want me? would you want me the way i wish you would? everyone keep saying they don't understand what bad timing means and i'm starting to not get it that much either. what if i was your soulmate? and you just let me go? because i'm starting to feel like i'm letting go.

for reasons unknown

my past has decided to cruelly remind me of its presence. and i loathe it. i want to be bulletproof. i want a bulletproof soul. i'm really working on it but i find myself sometimes remembering that i'm not so tough skinned as i had always hoped i had been and i'm dealing with so many trigger happy guys. but it could be not that complicated if they would just stop. here we are reminding each other that perfection is at our fingers tips if timing wasn't so badly coordinated. i'm thinking about everything i could've had with him if he would've just gotten over himself and his issues and been the one for me. i'm thinking about the idiot who doesn't have the balls to just apologize to me but has to go through her. when it was me that was wronged. i'm tired of dealing with these people who aren't worth it. they just aren't worth it. they almost aren't worth getting back for what they've done to me and i leave it all up to karma. by the hands of karma.

but i still feel so frustruated in my own right. but i know i can only dream of something different and i guess for right now that's the best that i could hope for. so i'll keep writing because this all makes for a good list of stories. but i wish somewhere, someway, somehow, someone would just give me a break. even if its just for one night. i want to have fun again with someone who really cares about me. just for one night. to at least satisfy me this one time. it might be too much to ask for. but i'll ask for it anyways.

its just going to keep on

i have to stop doing this to myself i realize that now. i keep letting myself get wrapped in hardly anything at all and i don't know why. i mean i know its just who i am. i always seem to dive into things not always sure of what i'm doing at the time but i take chances way too much and then end up where i am now not knowing what is going on and wondering what i'm doing back at this square again.

but why is it wrong to keep on like this? i know it stains my heart and i keep running into a wall sometimes but i learn from all of this and i can get over everything that has happened so i don't care if you want to leave my reminders cuz this new boy is mysterious and i hate it almost as much as i like it. why cant we just be open? i'm almost ready to just take things into my own hands but is that the way you should really go? but why not?

tell him

I love this song. here's to new beginnings and not feeling completely helpless but mostly numb to the idea you're out there looking for me and somehow i'm meant to find you.

in simple words

i only want to remember what it is to love. i want the touch. the embrace. the kiss. the feeling. the fire. the passion. but nothing that comes with it. so what do i do?

let go and let God.

i'm done trying it never works out that way.

i can only hope. because when all else is gone. i will still have my hope

losing a feeling at face value

I could mistaken. i could be completely wrong knowing that yes actions do speak louder than words but sometimes you don't always hear the words they speak when you only see face value. there is value in the unknown words the unknown actions taken before or after. i'm losing sight of what i've known because i've fallen into foreign territory and i don't speak the language. honesty is the best policy. i can do honest and straightforward but for some reason i lose my grip when it comes to you. i can't show you what i want. i can't tell you the words i'm dying to say. becaues you hold so much vunerability in your hands but i'm feeling i should just let it all go. i should let it all go and wisk everything i hold inside because its the only way i'm going to be liberated from this. its the only way i'm going to find satusfaction in myself by letting all of this go. by letting you know all of it. emotion is the human reaction that is you.

this is what it is to be smashed

smashed to pieces like a bat to the stomach i'm trying to hold it all in holding it all together and i'm dying inside knowing that he would leave with the girl from the past right in front of my face. she's looking at me with sorrow in every crevence of her face and asking me if i'm okay i'm trying to hold it all in. holding everything i have in me inside but these feelings are stronger than i can hold and heartbreak is so foreign but its coming back like a relative. this is pain and i'm tearing up like this was something to me and deep down i know it was and she's following me with no clue that i'm dying from the inside out and i'm trying to keep it all in. i'm trying to keep it from following out of my mouth like vomit. and here i am regurgitating it all wtih shame in my eyes but she tells me i'm only human to let myself have feelings for someone like that is something that happens and i have to just let myself feel. but feelings i can only take so much of me before i keep feeling like the bat swing to the gut. forgiveness could be possible but the unbelieveable concept that hurt feels this way is what hurts more than the sound of the door slam when she got into the car. so here it goes because i deleted you from everything knowing it was the only way for me not to look and reminisce about the perfect match who didn't want me. so here goes smashing me to pieces with one swing. you should be so proud.

if i ever needed to know what it felt like to have my heart break. it was today.

I feel at such a loss and its almost driving me crazy. i'm trying to keep my head above water but its hard when i had to watch him suffer in front of my eyes knowing no one was going to help me. i'm still crying and haven't been able to stop all day and now i have to live with what happened and the exhaustion i went through and i can't get his face out of mind and i swear i see it every where. and no one understands and its not going to help when my mother is adding fire to this flame. miserable never felt more worse than this. and i'm helpless for him all my strengths mean nothing here. and my heart keeps breaking for him and i can't get his smell off of me. it almost feels like someone is playing some horrible prank on me to see if they can get a spark of feeling from me but i can't move right now i just want to curl up and pray it never happened.

i'm over trying to be friends with vindictive little girls and that's all i have to say about that.

i'm done wasting my time on little boys who thing they are men. and that's all i have to say about that.

hoping the day comes when my luck will change

time stands still all the time. my favorite time of the day is when i'm driving my car. alone. driving. just me and my music. its like the whole world is moving and i might be moving along with it on the same roads every day, but its just me in the car. and i don't have anyone else there to change my mind about where i'm going. but i'm starting to feel like walking this line by myself isn't really walking alone anymore. i found his shirt the other day while i was sitting writing my paper. i inhaled as much of his smell that still lingers on it as i could. and i couldn't help but cry. i sob every time it hits me again that he's gone. i wish i could just drive to their apartment so far away again and open the door and see him sitting there waiting for me. like he's been waiting there for me the whole time. and it all still sits on my head. its soaked all over my body and i just can't let it go because i still can't let myself know what happened. there's too much at one time and i'm holding on to the rope by my finger tips. trying not to lose grip takes a lot of energy sometimes. because i still need him. i need his tid bits of valuable life lessons. and i think about him almost every day and its like burning the whole further in my heart that i can't bring myself to even thinkof the possibility of loving anyone. i can't do what they did or what they put themselves through. here i was thinking this was the most beautiful side of love and i guess it is that they were together till the last possible moments professing their love for eachother but i just can't endure that horrible feeling of watching it being ripped away. and now i'm here trying to pick up the pieces while trying to convince myself love is all but a beautiful dream that you will never want to be reality

only in my dreams

I can still remember the scene. the way it was living in the desert and driving along as the sun was coming up over the mountains covered in fresh snow and gave off this amazing purple blue yellow sky that would take anyone's breath away. There was only the sound of the cd that i was listening to which i can't remember what it was now. but i just remembered how peaceful it was and how peaceful i was. just in that moment. and i wish so badly to be back in that moment when everything felt so serene. i know its just a day dream but i can still dream. Because now i'm here thinking about the downward sprial my life is taking and i'm almost at a loss for what to do now. i want to leave so bad and just run away from everything. but i know that it would only be a mistake to leave now. i have to keep fighting for everything but i'm just so tired and worn out. but i know giving up is not my option. Somehow some way things will turn around. i don't know when and i don't know how but i'm keeping my faith in the idea that they will. because i'm dying to feel the peace i found in the desert that one morning when my life was changing. and although i keep feeling like i'm losing every time i look around. i'm hoping that somewhere i'll win. so i'll keep holding on to optimism and hope its hoping for me too

something

i keep letting things get to me and my old friend tells me that letting it go is something i'm so good at and he knows i can do it yet again. but its hard to get my mind to be itself when its in this vulnerable state it isn't used to. its like a foreign land of insecurities when there is no need to have any. and i'm pushing through these adversities by myself. yet i'm not by myself but with her gone i keep feeling like i'm losing all by myself. and i can let this go because deep down i know i should because we both got what we wanted and it only makes sense to keep it at that now. so i'm going to stop because i should and you're not going to start because i know you. you might not think so but i know you. and there is this conscience that wants to find him just to see how he's doing because deep down i cared for him like a close friend and wondering how his well being is, is something i had done for a while and now i have to let it all go because he isn't over it and its only better that i let it go. but i just can't. but i have to and so i will. so here i go one day at a time like everyone says like its something so easy, and i want to live this life and just start all over again because that would make it so much easier and so i will. and so i'll move on past all of this because i should. and there will always be someone else and when the day comes that there isn't i'll be satisfied knowing all of this will be gone. so here i go starting over hoping that the day paris comes isn't so far away and in the grip of hands reach

chasing pavements

all is fair in love and war and this is a revolution.
-fred astaire

I can't help but think how positively accurate that is. i have all these words in my head from she said she said he said he said she said she said, and i all i can think of now is that i just don't care to listen anymore. i just don't care to find out what everyone else has to say or what everyone else has to think about the situation because the only things it leads to is unhappiness when i was happy being naive and although heartbreak could be in the distance or near future, at least i was happy while i was on my way there. i don't want to live this life thinking that there has to be some significant person there for me because every time i start to think i could be amazed i only seem to be disappointed. i have yet to find someone that truly amazes me and someone who can keep up with who i am. and although i might hold on to the idea that a psyche eros kind of love is out there for me somewhere, i would just rather live my life hoping to find someone who not only loves me but understands me and gets who i am. i know that can be unreasonable and i know that can be unheard of for me but i'm willing to find out if i could be proven wrong or right. and whether it be you or the next one that tries for my affections. at least i can say i lived and experienced a life where all is truly fair in love and war and it was indeed a revolution for my heart.

a little bit

here we are sitting across from each other with an open tab and drinking a drink listening to the beautiful sounds of the songs we love and know, learning and experiencing the conversating person you are. and i can't help but be nervous. i keep hearing the hearsay and thinking if it is possible to really be the same person you were in high school. because when i look back i know i left that person behind. and like you said, you are transitioning through new changes, and yet so am i. so am i really to believe that you are just another one and at times i do but when you express yourself through a song i can't help but think you look at it the same way i do. that the lyrics are words and they aren't vague. songs aren't vague. they tell you something. they speak to you. i can't listen to someone who might not know what they are talking about. when i'm sitting across a table from you and completely captivated in the moment. and although you might not be as captivated int he moment as me. and although this might not be a long movie. and it might not be meant to be one. i can't help but think that this happiness i feel and this good time we have is something to be considered. not blown to the other side of pre-consumed notions. because people are going to talk. and people are going to ask questions. i might not know all the answers and you might not either. but i'm ok with that as of now. and that might change and that's ok. but i know somewhere you are intrigued and can't wait to see what happens next and i'm hoping i can keep you inticed. because it might just be one day when you turn around and say "i'm a little bit in love with you"

revelry

i can't have tears for the way you undoubtedly proved me right in the ways you let me go. I can be sad about the way things went. i can be sad at the way you took it. but i'm not going to have any tears. you tell me there was change and i just couldn't see it. but all those arguments went out the door when we're sitting there and i'm still waiting for you to talk to me and you just won't. i always thought telling you if things didn't change that i would leave you would be the thing to put you in the position to do everything you could to change. but you just didn't. you really didn't. and i can't be sad at that because i told you for 6 months what the situation was and i don't know if you thought i was bluffing but you of all people should know by now that i don't bluff. and now you know and now its too late. and i understand being emotional but that doesn't mean trying to express yourself through a text message is the good way to go. since my argument was conversation and emotions and i get the most emotionless way to go about it. through a text message. so you are a little bit too late.

if it isn't love

New Edition - If It Isn't Love




it can be so frustruating when i'm telling you what bothering me and i'm telling you how i'm feeling and everything that's going on and when i finish all you can do is say you're sorry and that you're going to change but my argument is that you don't tell me how you feel and then you continue to not tell me how you feel. what the hell is that? where are you? where have you been? fix it because this love is hurting me now.

sooner than later

I don't understand how listening to this song gives you a good unexplainable feeling when i'm saying its like you saying this to me. because time is not just the only issue and i keep thinking i might not be able to do this anymore but i'm willing to give you the time to be the person i need you to be emotionally. there is no excuse for you to be emotionally limiting or lazy with me. and i can't take it anymore. i feel like i can't keep being the one to open up. i can't be the one to keep talking. because these lights aren't glowing the same way they used to. and i want to miss you. i want to love you. i want you to be the one i'm wanting but right now i can't see it. i can't feel it. i don't know if everything else that happened is just adding this all into the mix but i just can't seem to hold on to it anymore. being neutral is not where i want to be but the fire isn't there inside you that i need. you've lost yourself in your life and i can't help you find you. i tried but one step forward and two steps back is a way i can't live. and so this is your chance. this is your chance to show me that this could be your opportunity to change the way things are. because i don't know how much longer i can go not feeling wanted. not feeling like you desire me at all. i don't know how much longer i can go being quiet on purpose on the phone just to see if you'll say anything or talk about anything and all get silence. i need substance. the things you give me and the things you buy is nothing i need. i need you and that's the one thing you won't give me. so if this is where is has to end. and if this is the way things have to be. i'll accept and move on from you because i'll know its possible that you have just finished growing in your person and i have out grown you. all i can ask from you now is to prove me wrong.

so please prove me wrong.

sorrow

I feel this ever intense need jerk reaction with ever slip or move. almost like i'm waiting for everything to go wrong at any moment.i don't want to feel like my world is crashing but it is. and i haven't had time to deal with it so i haven't had time to try and make myself feel better or to even fix this feeling. and now i feel like its just all crashing down and its burning inside of me like a fire that wants to kill everything in its path. and i can't help but feel like its soon to go swirling out of control.

they say death is attached to us and we can't escape it but only accept it. and i'm wondering why love just can't be enough. even though i know it only pushes further into that attachment. this is just something i have to do and this has to be something i just let go of for now because i can't do this someone. i have to do this on my own. its the only way i'm going to be able to fix me. me. me. me.

and i need to be fixed.

trouble is a friend of mine

I was fooling myself for a while thinking that it wasn't true. there was some kind of hoax played on me. that the casket that was lowered into the ground before me did not contain the body of a man that made me everything i was. that she wasn't there crying out how much she loved him because he husband of 54 years was gone and my grandfather was still alive at home with her while she cooked him dinner. but all of this came crashing through me like a wrecking ball.

I had to have that dream. he had to come to me in a dream telling me i couldn't go any further with him. i was dying inside. i am dying inside. i feel like there is so much of me that left with him and i can't help but feeling this depression is bringing everything to a negative. everything.

It is all starting to manifest itself in my mind that love isn't enough for me right now. i need conversation. i need to be told no. i need opinion. i need decisiveness. i need someone to put me in my place. because at this moment in time i feel like its all slipping away when it could all be saved. i never asked for perfection i only asked for an honest genuine feeling that i don't feel like i'm getting that i don't think i've gotten. and now that these emotions have been displaced everything that i've been letting slip over my shoulders is shoving itself in my face. and there is a hurt that can be manifested through that. and that has been manifested through that and i can't help but think that this could have all been prevented. that this could have all been ok if i didn't feel like i was the past and you are the me that was. and that's what is really killing me. feeling like i'm the person i despise is an awful feeling. no matter how much you tell me that things are not that way i can only see the obvious that i am that person not out of choice but by default. and now its starting to get to me.

because temptation comes knocking at my door with a smile that would knock you down and a resume' that would impress the dull. and i can't help but feel nothing because i'm hoping he'll change and i feel back in the same spot i was and i keep hearing that no one believes it will work. i keep hearing that it can't work after the point in which it is. and i don't want to give up on the potential i was so hopeful for but i also can't put myself back in the position of hoping for a change that will never happen. this space is going to be the make or break role that i need right now to get me to that point of conclusion. because right now i'm leaning towards a break i dont think i'm prepared for. not because he is an awful person and a bad other half. but because the things i were hoping would change havent and i'm tired of hearing that time is the issue. because it only pushes me further to the idea that maybe now isn't the right time then and that this could be better in the future.

because no matter how much temptation has its way of creeping up to my ear. its not what i'm looking for. its not what i want even if it thinks there is a potential future. i only see you in my sights when it comes to a future situation. i only hope that with time these issues that are pulling me two ways will be resolved. because i'd rather be only and satisfied than together and dissatisfied. it sounds so horrible because he hasn't done a bad job. its just that i can't be someone's decision making factor. i can't do that someone. i can't do whats been done to me. i just can't. it makes me feel so horrible inside and only adds to the frustruation and depression i have right now. i need someone who has me always saying no to temptation. my soul is crying out and if it isn't heard i know its only characteristic is to leave and move on by its own will. and no matter how hard i might try to stop it. if it is not proven wrong and if nothing changes. you are the one that closed the door to that chapter.

como fue

I can always say that i have and will always love you for the rest of my life. the man that made my life possible. the man that sang this song to me every time he saw me growing up. the man that brought my family out of such diversity. who helped give me the hope that i have always had in the idea of an everlasting love that could be between two human beings who were utter soul mates from the first sight of each other. I have kept everything you have ever given me. never to let anything go that had anything to do with you. and i know now i have to let you go. and i know now i have to let everything go. and i can't. but i will try because its the only thing you could have ever asked of me. but you have to know that i will always love you. i will always keep you in my heart. and i will never lose the memory that has always been you in my heart. and i might just lose myself when i have to lose you. but all i can do is hope that you will be back in the bakery with your father just the way you were when he left you.

i always love you pipo.
you have and always will continue to be in this life and the next, my one and only grandfather.

keep it simple

I don't need the confusion i need it simple. i want it simple. i need to feel like there isn't anything you can't tell me. i'll throw away the drama if you are honest from the start. i'll never speak of it again if i know i can trust you. i don't need need any confusion in my world. i already have enough going on. i already have enough flowing through my mind. knowing that i had to take a step i always knew needed to be done but never would have done it because i always though i had the lid on this honey pot firmly in place. but its funny the way things turn and surprise you the way they do. it felt good. it felt right to finally get an outside view of what it was like to live my life. and hearing a perspective that i never even looked to think of. because this life with me is crazy and i'm hoping you can handle all of the things you're going to have to hear and deal with because no one has been able to hold on for too long and i'm hoping you can because i'm going to need you. i'm going to need you when i'm feeling like i'm not worth your time and you reminding me you do all of this for love.

but sometimes i need a little input i need you to do more than just listen. i need to hear opinions so i know i'm not just letting it out i'm getting some insight. i understand being a man of few words especially because i'm a woman of many but i need to know i can shut up and listen too. and sometimes i don't feel that way with you. its ok just to say what you're thinking even if its not what i necessarily want to hear because its the only way i'm going to be able to make sense of things in my head.

when you were young

I always thought it might pain me to watch this video ago remembering the significance it had once upon a time but now i realize it holds such a higher quality now than it ever did back then. and the funny thing is that now when i think about it. it reminds me of those one times driving around in the middle of the night and staring out the window of the passenger seat trying to make myself believe i was still full invested in that love and trying to find it in the bottom of my soul and never been able to come up with anything and wondering why it felt so numb. It's hard to find that sensation when you're only hoping that they could pull you back into the full recognition of the love you remember. but then again back then I was still so young.

I never know if the end of the story ends up having this amazing ending full of promise and hope. But i'm optimistic. I can't tell you that everything is going to end up the way we had always hoped it would because it is here in my heart ache hoping somewhere there is a savior ready to deliver me. But when i think about the ways i once thought it could be complet in one single individual disappointment never seemed to trail too far behind. But then again, i'm still optimistic.

I'm ready to climb any mountain with you because whether we make it our not. the climb was always the best part of the whole journey. the laughs, the smiles, the tears, the fights, the making up, the love, the memories. It always seems to me now that when i was still in that once upon a time i would always look and see the others around me and think "sometimes i wish i had what they had" because of the dissatisfaction i was constantly experiencing on the daily. And now I see the others and think "i'm really lucky".

Because when i was young i had this hope for something. something that almost seemed to be too good to even speak of in hpes of not jinxing the whole experiencing. and i realize reading everything i've written from the past to present might make me sound like some helpless romantic teenager constantly speaking upon some true love modern romance that only existes in fairytales with horses and prince charmings, but that's just the way i see it. what is so bad with hoping that its possible to find a modern love story? what is so wrong with having this kind of faith and admiration for love? because i think it only keeps me with this optimistic view that i have because i've seen heart break and i've felt deep heart ache but i refuse to let it take away my spirit. because its completely possible to find your soul mate whether you believe it or not.

so despite the fact that when i was young i had the utmost hope in a soul mate i knew had to be out there hoping for me. because deep down i can only assume and hope that whether you want to admit it or not you were hoping for me. that you were hoping for a love that would change your world. for a love that would give you this amazing sensation you had always hoped for. for your soul mate. so whether you believe in commitments that last forever i can still hold on to the idea that once upon a time you were there that one day in the middle night driving around and staring out of the window of that passenger seat sitting next to someone you were trying to grab deep down in your soul that you still loved and finding in the pit of your soul that numbness and knowing that right then. right there. that was completely possible that your soul mate was out there somewhere waiting to love you.

romeo and juliet

" Juliet, the dice was loaded from the start
And I bet, that you exploded in my heart
And I forget, I forget.. the movie song
When you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?
......

I can't do the talk, like the talk on the TV
And I can't do a love song, like the way it's meant to be
I can't do everything, but I'd do anything for you
I can't do anything except be in love with you"

he's got my number

I'm trying to be open to the idea of change but i don't know how much i'm willing to hold out on the idea of fixing a fixer upper. I've been to this point before where it feels like i can fix something that is so broken. like i could be the one that changes it all around. I have this tendency to want to be the one to make things happen. I want to make dreams come true and feelings real. But i can't always been the one to fix something so broke and i've come to realize this a while ago. They say that a man never changes, but i feel like they might be open to the idea even if they don't know how to. It's been another bittersweet strategy of mine to have this optimistic hopefullness that gets the best of me. I can't help but hoping if you love something or someone enough they might do what it takes to change to keep you. I want so badly to be loved in this undeniable way that if he knew for some reason or another i was slipping away he would be damned to see me go. It might sound conceded or ostentatious to say, but I think i am worth the fight. I think i am worth the effort to try to keep me around, because i am willing to put everything i've got into someone or something that is worth it to me. But i won't fight for long if i know you aren't fighting for me.

Now don't misunderstand what i'm trying to get across, its not to say someone or something isn't trying for me. I'm only underlining the belief that is so dear to my heart because its become a trend that people haven't found it necessary to fight for me. But i'm still not willing to give up the idea that there is someone who won't give up on me. I can be the one that shows you that your efforts were not for show. I want to be that something that you hold on to when everything else is going bad, when everything else is crashing around you, just thinking that i'm here to support you doesn't let you give up all hope.

I think about what it means to them to know that they can remember the first day they met. Knowing that they've found the person they couldn't live another day without. I want that so bad. It might sound so surreal and naive to hope for such things, but i can't help but keep the faith that someone out there needs me just as much as i need them. that it is completely possible to have someone who thinks that you are the most amazing love they've ever been able to attain. I want to be that for someone, and i don't think it naive to hope for such things. Because i am also completely satisfied with the idea of it just not being there for me. It is completely possible for it to be, and although i might want it so bad, i can embrace the idea that it might just not be out there for me. I'm ok with the idea of enjoying the life that i have made for myself, but i wouldn't mind the idea of a life with someone else, a significant other.

Because although i might be satisfied with the idea of it not being for me, i believe i would always wonder if it had been. What my life would be like with him in my life. I was never one of those little girls who dreamed of what their dream wedding would be like one day. I dreamed of doing something amazing with my life for me. But that doesn't mean i didn't imagine what it could be life to find someone I am completely happy spending 30 years together with. Someone who wouldn't mind loving me every day. Because although I wasn't that little girl dreaming up their ideal wedding dress, I was still always thinking of my prince charming in the back of my mind.

There is just this powerful tonic in the idea of a love that is lasting, and although the heartbreak comes hand and hand with the love you've always been looking for. I still wouldn't turn back the hands of time to do it any differently. If i had never felt the heart break from my past I would have never been able to appreciate the love of the present and distant future. It sounds like some cliche' statement to make but it is totally true. I am not willing to give up on the ideals and beliefs I have in the love that crosses our paths. I have faith in something that has always been to cruel to me. But only because i always knew one day it would come to satisfy my every need. So whether change is something you're looking for, or an idea you aren't ready to walk towards. I want to love you the best i can, so when i'm trying to understand how i can go about doing that for you, i can only hope that there is something there for me to make it worth your while

tell me what they know about my love

Sometimes i feel like i'm hitting the point where i don't know how much i can take of the time situation, and sometimes i feel so angry because i'm so lonely and i have all this stress that adds on to the loneliness that starts to creep up like a bad dream that won't just go away. and then i start to get angry at you for not giving me the time i need but its so torn because then it makes me feel so selfish because you hardly have time for yourself why would i want to take that away from you? but its so hard when i can divie up our time to hours. i guess i am selfish but how bad is it when i only want to spend time with you? how selfish is it to just want to spend some time? so when it comes to this loneliness i get from time to time and i start getting angry at you, you always seem to turn me around to realizing you really are doing the best you can and even for those few hours we get together

show me your love

i'm stuck between the lines of who i am now and who i was. i want to leave a mark you'll always remember while loving me all the while. i never want to feel like i'm taking one step forward and two steps back but i can't help but feel this overwhelming concern of letting myself fall too deep. i'm pushing for decent and hoping for the best, but in a circumstance that leads to believe i must lead with caution only has my sub conscience wanting to jump in. fearlessness has always been a push and pull characteristic i haven't yet been able to tame. he says he remembers the way i once was and how it made his mind mourn for the person i let myself bury. but when i was sitting there trying to remember the last two years of everything that had happened, i realized there was nothing. like my mind has convienently misplaced all that information. like it was finally doing me a favor. but i was really trying to remember and only came up with two instances and realized that i could remember anything that happened. i couldn't remember anything but his name pretty much and it almost put me in shock and relief all at the same time. how is it possible to completely forget 2 years of your life like they were just cut out and its one big blank space now? i know it was the bad years but still.

now don't get me wrong i'm completely satisfied with my new found realization of my lack of memory, but it is really unlike me and i couldn't really understand until i remembered the way he told me that i had lost who i was in the those two years. till i remembered that it was like the lion who imitated the mouse. but now i'm here trying to relocate my lion yet i still find myself holding on to these mice like characteristics that are just so damn hard to let go of. i know eventually i will.

they don't love you like i love you

i want to know what it would be like to find an infinite love.
its like that unbelievable feeling that shakes you down to your core. that feeling of knowing that when you breath this person in. when you can smell them all around you and you can feel the sensation of their touch. when you feel like in this moment you could die in their arms and be happy. this insatiable overwhelming need to have their touch. that warm feeling you get in the presence of their smile. I want to be this amazing woman that can give you everything you need. i want to make all these fantasies come true that i used to hope for so long ago that i would be able to find my modern prince charming, hoping he would fullfill my every dream of a love never being too taboo to be unheard of. so here is to hoping and believing in the faith i have that love has found me for the first time all over again.

an ode to the modern prince charming

I have found that the idea of chivalry has become this ghost that people seem to remember but don't see much of anymore. Its interesting the way people say that chivalry is dead but i have a hard time believing that the coffin is completely in the ground. I have never given up my hope on the idea of love whether it has given up on me or not. I like fantasizing about the idea that somewhere out there is a soul mate made for me. whether it be now or later he's around here somewhere. its almost as the ancient greeks used to believe that our soul mates were once attached to us and having been taken from us we would spend the rest of our lives searching far and wide for them.

I always wanted that undeniable feeling of being swept off my feet. that intense love that always has you yearning for more. that intense wreckless love that makes you believe you could not live without that significant other in your life which is why they have that title of significant other, that it makes sense to you why Juliet couldn't bare the thought of living with her Romeo. Where it is depressing that it ended with death but optimistic that it ended with a love that would let them live on forever in some kind of afterlife.

i told him "you guys always start off this way and then a year or two later all goes down hill". I know it hurt him to say out loud but i believe it to be true. Not to say i don't have hope that it wont and i know it is the reason for holding myself back from time to time, but i can't just give up on the idea that this could all be the same cycle i always seem to get myself caught up in. Yet i believe that heartbreak or not, hurtful or joyous, its just another marker in the road to something i'm completely hopeful for. and if this ends up to be what i've been hoping for then i do believe it is even better.


so here is to the chivalry that makes it presence known in a dying breed.