snakes and pearls

I absolutely can not stand when people...let me say super thirsty people find themselves to be entitled to things that they are definitely not entitled to. I've come to realize that thirsty people will try to drink up everything around you including you to get what their looking for but won't ever really get it because they aren't satisfied. I came back to the office this week because i had finally settled down from the craziness that had been happening. I've been living with him the last month because apartment hunting in new york can sometimes be like finding a needle in a haystack. I've finally found my needle and its pretty much perfect with our own private garden and backyard, but back to what i was saying. I went back to the office and a lot of things had changed. what had really changed was interns that haven't been there as long as some of us trying to take over and shooting bad attitudes around the room like it was a free for all. Guess what? I don't give a shit. I've made a name for myself enough to not care about who you think you are here or what you seem to think you're entitled to. because at the end of the day i'm still getting access to the events i've worked hard for. sometimes i sit back and realize just how crazy my life is. everything in a day changes about ten times over and the ups and downs almost make me sick to my stomach. she wants them back but she can suck a dick. i'm not normally this vulgar but at this moment in time she just can. i hate the way she plays victim with her con artistic ways to paint a vivid picture of the manipulating portrait she displays. her intentions are mindlessly cruel and her ways are spoiled to the core. She can lose herself without them. i'm starting to realize the dynamic people take in their lives and i know i need to just keep focusing on the road in front of me and go from there. if love was a four letter word, i'm glad your name only had four letters. he's given me everything i need and although his words get ahead of him sometimes, i've come to understand the language he speaks. longevity never seemed more possible.

closer

April 9, 2013.... The night before we had discussed things in an almost pure kind of way. I let it all out. everything. all the feelings i had about all of it and i didn't mean to sound harsh or mean but i understand that's exactly how i came off. It wasn't my intention but it was my intention to tell you everything i needed to say and the words came from my mouth in such a fashion that i couldn't make them stop. i needed you to understand that you werent the only one feeling the pain that was dealt in the cards. I was left with a broken heart and now i know why. now i understand all of it. but as we talk about what happened it was all about your heart and everything that happened to you but you had to understand that this happened to me too. thats why i let the words fall from my lips the way they did. I could hear them cut you over and over but we both knew that it had to be done. As i laid there wondering what i had done, i had to let sleep take over my excessive thoughts. when i woke up the next morning your arms were around me and you kissed me with such sincerity. you told me that you weren't letting me go anywhere.... April 10, 2013.... I came to pick you up from work and with a rush about me to make sure we made it to diner on time. We made it early and i was letting the stress of my work and day get into my head and not realize what was happening. We were having dinner with them and i needed to appreciate the fact that it was happening because it meant something for her to sit across from you at a table and let you show her that you were serious just as much as showing me you were serious. We sat there and the table talk was perfect and effortless. Things felt as if they were never changed and had only progressed. As we said our good byes and headed home, we did our normal night routines and i sat there looking for music to listen to on your computer. you grabbed me and pulled me closer to you. wrapped in your arms and with the heat of your lips on my next you whispered in my ear, "I want you to be my girlfriend." and in that moment everything was made concrete in the words of wanting. the words i had been wanting to hear and the words, you were saying. at first i was hoping that you werent just saying them because of our talk the night before, but then i let my doubts leave my head just for second and realized you were asking me because its just exactly what you wanted. i know you see right through my speculations. you see through them and i'm trying to make you understand that because of my past its been really hard for e to see anything different and with your actions it has mirrored some of those past experiences that it does bring around some doubts but i do believe you because i want to believe you. there is something here that is worth believing. the main point being that i'm finally happy and its been so long since i've felt this way. loving you was always easy to do. because it was just the way it was supposed to be. and those 10 days i think said enough to you about what this is and why its here. it might have been a while since you last saw what love it, but get ready, because i'm going to show you everything its got to give.

dream.scream.dream.

I'm starting to see things differently. and although I want to relax in this humbling feeling around you, i still find myself tossing and turning at night. I want to hold you close. I want to whisper in your ear "I think I love you". and hope that everything is going to be okay. We now know what this is. you know now this is for the long haul. I now know you're serious. and when i look into your eyes and your pupils dilate to the scent of my skin, i know there is something there. You caress the lines of skin with such fragility that at times i can't help but melt into you. I want to tell you the fantasies of my thoughts but i hold myself back knowing the mistakes i've made in the past. I give so much of everything and although this time there is no hiding from you. I don't want to invade your space and the space of your freedom. I know you want a certain kind of life without the life i'm taking over involuntarily. The thought of your misery during that time almost makes it hard to believe. I took you to be another version of the rest. once you left, you were gone. but when you walked back into my life, it was with so much force i couldn't deny what was there. it sounds so naive to say out loud but its the truth. you've done nothing but prove to me how much you really care. and when you say you like that picture because you can tell just how happy we are i know that there are things you notice about us. I want to give you what you haven't had before even if what you had before was not at all bad. I want to give you a different experience of what we could be. and i've seen the change in the man you are to notice. there has been a change and positive one and i know now just how much i mean to you. I won't ever change how much that means to me. i can only let go and let God at this point. but so far i can't complain. you come home and its like i'm home for the very first time. and when i'm the first girl you've ever had to really work for, don't worry about domesticating me, just hold on tight and get ready for the ride.

When the winds of change

Actually change...what now?

I left and I was we'll prepared to leave everything behind me when that plane took off including you. And a part of me really had and I had nearly convinced myself of it. But then I landed and was completely taken in by the sun and warm breeze of Austin. I attempted to dive right into my work and forget all the hurtful words I had read the morning before. It to say they were hurtful in a malicious way, but in a way I knew I couldn't change on my own. Everything was fine and they were throwing out their lines trying to catch me the whole time. I let them have their chase and one got very close but came on too strong for my taste and as the sun was rising i was ready to sleep than mingle.

The days went by and something was still missing. I'm not going to lie that a majority of my day was spent with everything that had happened following me by the way side. But then it creep up in me and tap me on the shoulder reminding me it was still there following me behind the shadows of my neglect. The day before we were to leave to Portland, I finally gathered the emotional strength I needed to tell you how I feel while at the same time trying to maintain my levels of anger so I wouldn't explode and internally implode. I sent the words a long with the music that I knew you would read as the sign I needed you to. That although I was hurt and angry, you were still so much of what I wanted.

As we boarded the plane to Portland I could feel myself sliding down the rabbit hole of the feelings. Thought I had moved past. When we landed it was all back and I was consumed. I was feeling the pressures of my emotions and she could see it all over my face. I was barely holding on to the last straws of my memories and when I read the text my heart stopped.

I called her immediately because I knew she would know best. She told me the advice I knew I needed to hear and I knew what I wanted. You called and the conversation started. I tried to hide the nerves in my voice but my exhaustion made it effortless. I didn't want to have the full conversation at first but when it started to unfold I just couldn't stop it because I knew if it wasn't said it would all be lost on my capability to move on with distance and time. The words I wanted to hear came through the receiver and as I tried to hold the tears in and as I heard what u wanted to hear I all at once remembered the disappointments of my past. I couldn't get ahead of myself because this was all too familiar.

I remember the, "I want there to be an us" conversation that only took a month to turn into "I can't/okay maybe I can" that then took another 3 months to officially become "I just can't". I know you are different and I'm not trying to hold my past against you I just know how to learn from my mistakes and instead of rushing into this even though its what I want I need to know you're as sure as I am. So far there has been no reason to doubt and its incredibly clear. From the affectionate gestures to the way you look at me. There is no denying this time it's real, but that still doesn't mean I can just jump in and forget everything that happened. There is a trust that needs to be re established.

But above everything, all of my feelings are still there and have not changed but only gotten stronger.