Only if for a night

I have a problem with letting myself be loved. Yes ok i have daddy issues that i'm obviously still overcoming. Everyone wants to say one thing and do another and i've always been skeptical of people because of that. I've been working on it and slowly getting over it. but i push because i realize you shouldn't be treated like that. I don't want to make things worse so i pull myself out of the equation. And sometimes i realize that it only hurts more because i need you. But sometimes I get scared because sometimes you remind me of him. The way you talk to me sometimes. The way it takes 3 to 4 criticisms to get to the one nice comment. When I realize that i can count on both hands how many times you've called me pretty or beautiful in the last year. You tell me i'm sexy when we're being sexy, the only other time i can remember is when i was in my bathing suit in the bahamas. and maybe a time or two before that. I think i just worry of being with someone like him. I'm scared of being in that situation and loving you so much i can't/won't leave. I don't want that kind of criticism all the time. I already criticize myself enough for the rest of the world. Sometimes I feel like i suffocate myself with it. There was so much more expected from me and i'll never achieve those expectations in this lifetime or the next three after it. I have to learn to let myself be loved. I know you love me. I know you can't live without me. I know i mean so much to you. But i'm afraid of what that means sometimes when all i want is to know that the things you say aren't what you think right when you see me. That when you make a sharp comment its not what you really think when you look at me. I have to learn to let myself be loved. love, love, love is a verb. loved. loves. loved. love.

Rivers and Roads

There are these moments when I consider that what I feel is really real. There are these times that I let myself fall so deep in love with you and I know I've written that somewhere before but now it seems to overwhelming from times. It scares me just as much as it used to but there is something so much more about it. I've never known myself to love anyone the way I love you. The way he asks me if I see a future and I immediately think yes. I want things. To you, you see them in a one dimensional way sometimes. I know I say superficial and that isn't the best adjective for it. But when I see things I look so deep into it and that might not always be such a good thing because I get myself so caught up in all of it but I think that's why when we talk things out and I explain it all to you, its easier for you to understand and get a little more comfortable with. Moving in to me, is me wanting to make a home with you. That's really all it is. I couldn't put it more plainly and abstractly than that. I want to build a home with you. Because at the end of my day, you are who I want to come home to. And even when I'm mad at you or I don't want to see you, I'll find a way to be alone and so will you. But at the end of the day, I just want a home with you. Somewhere in all of your misconstrued and valid opinions I know you want the same thing. This is real and this is everything. I've never known myself to be so open to the idea of a future with someone the way I am with you. Before it was all about either wanting what I couldn't have and finding out the hard way it was never what I wanted to begins with or having the things I didn't need and just realizing that. But there wasn't a time when I looked into someone's eyes and knew that this was the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Until that night, until that one night you whispered in my ear and my skin crawled with chills and I felt myself exhale. We were always meant to be, even when we didn't know it. I know I still have to work on trusting you again. At times I think I make it too easy for you as if you don't have to try anymore. I don't know where to draw that line all the time. That's a place I still have to figure out. I feel it getting better, but I just don't think you've changed much to make me feel any different. In that song you sent, all I heard was "Even if I want to, I won't." Discipline is something to respect, but that's beyond the point. The point is, why would you want to? That's where my concern is. I don't know why you would want to. He said it wasn't anything too serious but that it was still morally wrong. That's what it is. There was a moral to that story and there was a fault in it. Morally there was a crime committed. And then two weeks later, I have to sit and compromise myself again because of something so stupid. That's when I wish love was enough. When love was enough o conquer immoral transgressions. But it isn't supposed to be enough or people would commit immoral crimes all the time. I guess what I'm trying to say is, its still something I think about from time to time because you might think you've done everything, but you haven't really changed anything. You tell me things in times of desperation. But I need those words. In times when I'm trying to trust you again, I need the words to match the actions. And they haven't done that yet. And I honestly need different actions. There hasn't been anything that different either. Come to think of it. You have never treated me badly and I know you won't but usually when something goes wrong its because something needs to change. For you, mentally maybe something has changed, but I don't know exactly what that is. This is why I love you so much it scares me. Sometimes I just want you to write me a letter telling me how you feel. So I can have it to look at every time I'm feeling doubtful. So I won't have to keep harping you about telling me. Just something to let it all out. There's always more to building a home than building walls.