and if isn't what i hope it is

then i can't really tell you what else it could be. she's telling me she notices i'm more willing to wait now than i was ever before. i guess because now i'm more accepting to what this all is because now i at least have some idea of what it is. she asks me how much i think of him, luckily i have a crafty way of making my way around questions i don't want to answer. it definitely plays in my favor sometimes, even though it also hurts me sometimes knowing that i don't admit to things i might need to admit to. i guess i can let myself know what i'm thinking but its hard to let anyone else know. except her of course, but she's my exception to my own rules. for reasons that are reasonable. she asked me what changed my mind and i told her because things are different. and nothing is the same. its nice starting all over again. sometimes its just exactly what you needed and i think it this case that definitely holds true.

i felt bad sitting there with them letting the words fall out of my mouth without realizing they had no idea this whole time. they did not know another one had bitten the dust. the next morning i apologized telling her i had no idea she didn't know what was going on. she starts crying because she doesn't understand why everything is always taken from her. tears i'm all too familiar with, and tears that kill me to see every time. you know its sad to say you've been taking care of your mother's tears since you learned to talk. being the one to pick up the pieces and make everything better has always been my profession thanks to a family that can never seem to hold it together. thank God i've learned by now what it is i have to do to set myself apart because i've never been apart of who they are and i've never regretted it a single day in my life. so when she's crying to me that she just doesn't understand i'm able to keep her feeling that its just better this way. no matter how mindless it is and evident there was not a reasonable thought in the process i can still turn her world around and remind her everything is going to be okay. i guess i'm just used to it by now.

always waiting for the ball to drop has always had be prepared for the next bad weather. i guess that's why i'm always optimistic the sun will shine eventually. i have to believe there's a light at the end of the tunnel. i have to believe there is a God because it gives me hope. i have a faith that gives me hope. it keeps my head above water because i'm always treading water. but i always make it out to the other side. it might sound like i'm praising myself but i'm not i'm just reminding myself that i can do this. i'm constantly working. he reminded me how we had to learn to hustle when we were four years old because it was the only way we were ever taught to survive. that always blows my mind that as a kid who had just learned to cut my own food, i already had to know how to get on my grind and take care of myself. already doing my own laundry and cleaning up after myself. taking care of those older than me, and already preparing myself for survival. its hard to understand why i say survival. but he always taught us to "survive" as he always says. i'm grateful for that because i know no matter ho wbad things get i will fight my way through. but sometimes i wish i could have had more of a childhood. being shipped to a place where i wasn't wanted and coming back home to an empty home. knowing my only friend in the world was my dog. God i miss her. I guess that's why disney has always held such an importance in my life. it was the only thing that made me feel like a kid again. i guess that's why now i do act childish not in a maturity kind of way but taking joy out of the little things that might even slightly put a smile on my face. because although i was spoiled when i was younger to what we saw as being spoiled, i still lost out on a lot.

but really i wouldn't take back anything. i wouldnt' change anything about it now. i survive and i'd rather be completely confident in that than wondering where i go to from here and not having the drive to at least get there. i'll always have my past but i won't let it rule me. i've taken what i've needed from it and moved on. so when the past repeats itself like it always seems to do, and she's crying to me that i have to fix what's been broken. i'll fix it quickly and in the right way and won't let it stop me from doing what i need to get done in my life. because they aren't who i am.

i can make right now alright

I'm trying to make something right. or at least trying to do something right. i haven't really decided where i fall yet. but i think something is going right hahaha. the funny thing is that i actually laugh whenever i say that. people usually think i'm crazy when i do it especially when i'm reading texts, but i've never really been one to care if people think i'm crazy or not. its not like i talk about myself in the 3rd person and respond. so i'm sure for now i'm safe. anyways....

i couldn't help but feel something for her knowing that so many would pull out on a very important day. i'm just happy i could be there with them to show her she is important especially on that day. its kind of what friends do. or at least what i believe they should. it means a lot that he would come all this way to do that with me espcially after finding out what was going on. its interesting the way that is. it really is a first for me. many of those in my past would rather shoot themselves in the foot then go out with me and my friends. and they mostly stayed in and my friends ending up hating them for it. i understand hate is a strong word but ask any of them about those guys and they will have plenty of mean things to say. i don't really blame them because no one i've been with has ever made a real effort to get to know my friends or at least spend time with them. its kind of nice to see things going differently this time, mainly because my friends are a big part of me. they've pulled me through a lot. especially the bff. I honestly don't know where i would be these past 5 years without her. i've never shared half the stuff i've shared with her with anyone else. until now.

it almost threw me off that i would let all that out so quickly and really not even thinking about it. just letting all the words out that i don't like saying outloud even to myself. but i was scared to. usually that's my biggest thing is being afraid of pushing someone away. and that kind of information can do that. but it wasn't even like that. and that's definitely something i can truly appreciate. it was like finally finding someone else that can somewhat relate on certain levels of myself that most people can't because, i'll admit, it gets a little crazy. i've definitely learned how to keep the crazy to a minimum in myself but mainly because my life is already too occupied with it. but im just glad it finally makes sense to not let it get to me. i don't sweat the small things and i haven't for a very long time. i guess as he's always told me, "its hard to be right in a room full of wrong."

there's still a whole lot more to learn and im trying to patient. i really am. i'm the least patient person besides my father which is where i get it from in the first place. but its really hard for me not to get frustruated when i want you to just talk about things and you won't, but the crazy thing is that i don't. the me i'm used to would definitely be frustruated with it but i'm not. i think its because i realize more now than ever before that i can't rush someone who is discovering how to really open up for the first time. bombarding with a million questions isn't really the way to go about it as far as i can tell. anyone will talk about something when they want to. whether you try to rush them or not, but pressure is kind of a bitch way to go about it. no one gains anything from being pressured into doing something they necessarily don't want to. i've definitely always tried my best to be the most understanding person i can and because of that i am able to just listen. and to be quite honest, there's a kind of comfort in just being able to listen. for the first timein a long time i can sit and just talk about something with someone whether it be personal or about something insignificant, its just nice to feel so free to do so.

so...let's make some magic.

can you tell me when

she just makes sense of the way i think about things it always puts life into persepctive in a whole new way that has me thinking it all makes sense now. i'm a lot more comfortable to the idea because she puts in the way i had forgotten to think about it. sometimes i wonder what it takes to be the one that stands out. i can wonder but most of the time i just can be me and hope that i am just naturally the one that stands out to you. you always tell me how special i am and i really hope those are honest words because i'm not necessarily trying to be special just hoping that's how you see me.

today i got amazing new and realizing i can do this. i'm working to make something from nothing like i've always done but this time i'm really doing it better than i ever have before. there is an incredibale some kind of something ahead of me and i'm excited to see where it goes and who i become from it. so here it goes and lets start.

let love and love me different, this isn't the same and its all brand new so take it for what it is and appreciate the possibilities found in something so different for the both of us

free spirit

"Just like yesterday, I told you I would stay, Would you always? Maybe sometimes? Make it easy? Take your time"

It was like saying things without thinking nad realizing later that i had made a complete and utter mistake. i guess i only wanted to believe that you felt something real for me. and i'm havign a good time going out with him and his friends and i'm happy going to disneyland and i'm happy to get a drink and just discuss. i'm happy that there is a wall that is being torn down, and i might clam up when certain things happen and eventually you're going to understand just why i do that, and honestly you're someone who i would want to be able to open up and tell those things too. because i trust you. in a way i haven't trusted a guy in a really long time. and i like the idea of just being able to let go. let go and not be afraid of what your reaction will be or what you'll be thinking of me. but after that moment and i'm sitting there telling you i want you just to tell me, i realize now its taking away from all of it. at first i was freaked out to know that you aren't completely over it when i was told different and had started to believe you were. it made me feel awkward and almost wondering what i was doing. but really, it only solidifies that i don't want this if you aren't ready. i've had time to get over my past relationships and even though it took me longer than i would like to admit, i had that time. i never realized you were really going through that time until you told me.

he told me i of all people should know trying to put a free spirit in a box is not the way i want to go about things. i was wondering what could be going through my mind or why i was feeling the way i as feeling when i had a dream of me standing there in front of you and and saying "this is never going to happen is it?" and not getting a response but only a look that said everything. i woke up feeling defeated and had to find out why. all was revealed when he told me its because things are even now then they ever have been before and its making me think i want certain things that i usually wouldn't want. i can't control what is going to happen. i can't control the end or even the means to the end. and really, would i want to? no because i'm all about the excitment and wonder of it all. i want things to continue the way they are going because it means something to me and it makes me happy now then it ever has before. and i have no reason to stop that or rush that now. but only to let it play its course and see what happens because when it all comes down to it i am that person that believes in soul mates and two people can be destined for each other.

and whether we are or not is not really for me to say but only for us to experience. i can give everything i have to give but i can also just be exactly who i am like i have been and see where things go from there because deep down i still believe somehwere you believe it too. not necessarily the soul mates part but more that we have something special that kind of sets us apart and although you said we both know we would not stop each other if someone else were to come along, i still believe that you believe there isn't a better someone for me than you. so when i say i'll wait i never wanted it to be a disillusion but more of a hope that renders the possibilities. because even if out loud we won't say that we want the other to wait and not go looking for someone else, it might just be better to leave it unspoken that way and almost like a silent understanding. i guess what i'm trying to say is:

"Listen; there's a hell of a good universe out there; let's go"

the epic true love way

I'm always wondering if its really possible to have this epic love story like eros and psyche. i mean i've seen real life epic love stories like my grandparents so i completely understand that they are feasible. i'm just wondering if its tangible for me. and if it is then when will i know its started? will i just know? because now when i kiss him i feel something. it wasn't there before but now it is. its like a chill i get in the pit of my stomach. and when it was us, together, i felt it all over. i almost lost myself in it. and it sounds so drastic and almost dramatic, but i don't know how else to explain it. this is so much more than tanything else before and it scares the hell out of me. because i'm laying there out of breath freaking out in my head that this is going to be it. this is going to be like the other times when this happens and i never hear from him again. even the next day my mind is still hoping i'm wrong. that this time is really different and that he cares enough about me to be different now than before. i'm scared because there's a lot more heartbreak at stake now than there ever was before. and having finally found someone i've connected with more than anyone else just makes it so dangerous. and i know i'm not his yet officially i guess and he's not mine but we are. we are. and its bullshit to say we're not. there might not be a label but it has to be real, right?....right? I guess all i'm trying to say is that, when he hears certain songs, i'm really hoping he's thinking of me. that's the best and only way i can really put it for now.

if only you knew

he hit me with some truth i hadn't thought about. that i'm the one that turned the switch off. that it was me and now its got to be me. i'm still trying to figure out in my head if this is all a good idea, but at this point the rational me that is always trying to figure everything out just can't right now, because i've lost it all. and now i'm here and i'm scared and i'm nervous and its a part of me i haven't come across in a hell of a long time and this time it seems like its worse. and when we're sitting there and i'm quiet. its not because i'm bored, its not because i'm tired (necessarily) but because there is so much going on in my head and trying to hold back and keep it all inside takes a lot. and i keep hearing that i shouldn't but man how you scare the crap out of me. and i've been nothing but myself but at the same time i'm holding back and i know it isn't fair and i'm sure i'm going to let it all go when i finally just can't hold back anymore but i'm just hoping when that time comes you will be nothing but understanding.

because i'm sitting here looking at the plans and i can't help but wonder if maybe its just too much. but at the same time i can't help but want to share it. he says i'm not acting the way i should probably be acting and i can see that being true. because i want this to be true. i want it to be real so bad. but still always wondering if i'm the only one that feels that way, because everyone can tell me they see it, they feel it, they want it to happen. but that doesn't change my mind that i doubt if you could want this too. so what can i do? well i can just be me, be the one that makes you smile because it makes me laugh. and hope for the best. hope that one day you see me. that i've been here the whole time. and hope that letting you leave and coming back was really what made this last.

touble sleeping

i heard her speech and it hit me in such a way that i could feel it all over. because i can relate to everything she says. they're always wondering why i don't just let myself say it. why i don't just let myself embrace it. he's asking her why she won't just let him love her. and its so much more. i was a lionness. i was a force to be reckoned with. but i loved him. once upon a time i loved him. and he was my first real love. and when he got the chance he took pieces of me away. he took pieces of me and who i was and i became everything he wanted from me. and i became this person who wanted all the things he wanted. the big house. the kids. the cars. the wedding. and the whole thing about it was. i would've done it. i would've done it even though it was nothing of who i was. he had me. he had taken away so much from who i am that he had me. and he knew he did. and when he left, it shattered everything. and although i knew he wasn't coming back it was ok. everyone always asks why i would stay, why i would let someone do that to me. but it all because there someone who was some kind of someone that i feel in love with. and although that person left i always trying for him to come back. and when he left i knew it would never happen, and he took a lot of me with him.

and for a minute there i was struggling to find who i was again, but the i feel myself bring back more of that force all the time. and i've gotten my lionness back. but now its more dangerous than ever. because i love him more. i want him more. there's something there that is just so much more than that guy before. the stakes are higher and i just can't let myself be lost again to someone. not to say that he would do that to me. just to say that i'm so afraid of letting myself do it for the sake of love. but most of all. it scares me that i could love someone so much more, and he isn't even mine. and i don't really know how he feels and i don't even know if he thinks of me. so when i'm sitting here holding back its all i can do to keep myself from realizing this is so much more than before