dear storyteller

so here is what it is:

I want someone who wants to be with me all the time. I want someone who is scared because i hold their heart in my hands. i want someone who thinks about me always even when i'm not around. i want someone who doesn't have to me near me all the time but would rather have me around. I want someone who sees me for everything i am and still wants me anyways. I want someone who kisses me in a way that i can feel all over my body. i want someone who thinks holding hands is as intimate as i do. I want someone who gives me that look like they are so lucky to have me. I Want someone who wants me. I want someone who makes me feel sexy. I want someone who lets me be angry from time to time. I want someone who makes decisions. who is opinionated but not in a selfish way. someone who will go places with me because they want to, not because they feel obligated. i want someone who understands what i'm saying when i tell them to listen to a song. i want someone who reads between my lines because i can't always say what i really mean in the right ways. someone who will go to disneyland and who will just be as excited as i am to be at the happiest place on earth. someone who won't look at me like i'm crazy when i'm yelling at the laker's game. someone who will cook for me but won't always make me wash the dishes. someone who brings me sunflowers or daises when its not a birthday, holiday, or anniversary. someone who will give me space when they know i really need it. someone who will keep me on my toes.

I need someone who's going to keep up when i'm always going 100mph. i want someone who's going to feel me. i want a real love. i want someone who is going to see me at my worst and still think i'm at my best. someone who will be honest. someone who will respect me. someone who won't be afraid to say what they really mean. someone who believes in my dreams. someone who completes me. someone who will want to go to that concert with me because they know all the songs. someone who will understand the life i've had to live. someone who won't feel bad for me because of what i've had to go through. i want someone who will call from time to time even when they know they don't have to but only because they want to. i want someone who is going to tell me they love me just as much as they are willing to show me. i want someone who is going to be there.

i want a love that lasts. i want to find my story in an epic love. and i don't care if it means me waiting my whole life to find it. and although i want all these things, i wouldn't mind if it was not meant for me. because i realize this is a lot to ask for. and i realize this is hard to find. but i can still be hopeful. i can still have a faith i've always held on to. even if it was never meant for me. because some how some way, i still believe you're out there hoping for me too. and i know you'll be wanting all these things i will be more than willing to offer.

i write stories to find mine

don't know why

its a week from christmas and i'm starting to realize that i'm finally getting excited for it. i've been really numb to the whole idea lately. don't get me wrong i do enjoy getting gifts for my friends and family and watching their faces when they open it cuz i take pride in knowing the right gifts to give people. but its been seeming like christmas is not my time of the year anymore. but i guess that's just the way it goes. i'm really just hoping that 2010 holds a lot more opportunities for me than '09 did. i've had a lot of heart break this year the biggest being losing my grandfather and that still weighs on my heart. so i'm trying to keep all my hopes up that my luck will finally change for this coming year and some good will happen to me. i heard this song the other day and the guy sings "all i want for christmas is to give my love away" i was always hoping that would be possible for me, but doesn't look like its going to be this year. which i'm not entirely sad about mainly because the move will be coming soon. i'm starting to feel like i'm getting pulled in the direction i thought was going to be my natural talent and i'm starting to think it might be the best idea. but i have to finish this book. the prologue and chapter one are pretty much finished. its just a means of getting the rest together which i think i can do. i keep looking at my brother's bob marley portrait i should have had done a while ago and i start working on it but not for long. i can't seem to get myself to spend that much time working on it. i mean i've gotten a good chunk of it done but its still has a lot of work to be done on it. i can do it. i guess. haha

i'm so scattered brain i feel like this year has kicked me around a lot harder than any before and i keep finding myself standing up after every single blow but when is it enough to just stay down. but my stubborn self just can't seem to stay on the ground. i know i'm learning something from all this and there is a growing experience from all this but it would be nice to catch a break every once in a while. i mean i understand not all the time. but once in a while. and i hate that i'm hoping my one break will be me running into love like running into a wall soon. i guess i'm just going to have to wait till i move and start my life all over again. won't be the first time and i'm sure it won't be the last.

i don't know i guess i just...
never can say good bye

fear

"Dont believe the lies.
Look me in my eyes.
Please dont be scared of me.
Please dont be scared of me.
I remember you.
This feeling isnt new.
So please dont be scared of me.
Please dont be scared of me."
-drake

I finally got to tell her the events of my heart breaking and telling her is what makes this whole thing sit in my stomach. telling her makes everything real. i'm letting it out of my soul recalling all the events that left me on her bed crying my heart out and finally catching myself to realize this was it and it was all done here. i'm trying to keep what he said out of my head that being on a yo yo doesn't mean its over but only means he's needing some time. but i know its better that i just keep telling myself its over and its done from here on out and that was the last thing i ever said to him and that i don't regret it. im sitting there telling her that i just can't make him out to be the villian in this story because no matter how much i hate this and i hate that he couldn't just tell me how he really feels and that i hate that every time i looked in his eyes i felt like he was always hiding something from me. because here we are. and here it is and no matter if there are those things. somewhere in my heart i'm still hoping that he turns around and realizes it was always me this whole time. i can hide that though. i can hide that deep in the hole in my heart and never let myself know the truth. and although lying to myself might not always be the right thing to do. its the remedy to my broken heart because when it comes down to it i can move on even if i can't get over it. there will always be a replacement and there will always be a distraction. it might not resolve the pain i feel but at least it will help me from all this because i'm not going to continue believing you're going to show up on my doorstep any time soon.

i don't get bitter i get better

There's that moment when it comes over you like a wave. its like a wave hitting you and you can't seem to shake the pain it gives your entire body and you want to give up. you really do. but deep down there's something that tells you that its almost impossible. you keep thinking its almost impossible. because you always thought that this person was going to be one to tell you that you were always the one the whole time and although they tried to hide there was no resisting the inevitable. i took a chance in human emotion and again i say being human is just so human sometimes. i almost forgot what it was like to hurt this bad and yes i can't be the hypocrite. this is all apart of the falling, because around the corner is another person to pick me back up again. and i cant keep thinking that this was just it and i'm forever going to be alone because why wouldn't he want me. why didn't he want? why didn't he want me? why couldn't he want me? and although it screams with rejection. rejection is only a lesson that constantly needs to be learn for the concept of value. and i can't let myself fall into thinking i'm too superior for rejection because lets face it? i find it more than i really wish i would. i might have lost another one to the winter time, but after winter comes spring. and although you broke my heart. and i'm not going to deny you did. i'll get over this like i get over everything else. because although this is pain. i've done pain before. and its nothing i can't get over. and if you ever decide or realize i really was your perfect fit. i can only wish you the best in what you do and hope everything works out for you. because i refuse to let myself think bad thoughts about you. but once i'm done there's no looking back. ever. so good night and good luck. and i honestly hope all your dreams come true. but now i'm hoping none of them have anything to do with me.

breakdown in transit

You know when you've hit that moment of no return? when you've made a decision that puts that pain in your chest like an elephant is sitting on top of you? well I have just entered that zone where all the thoughts i have in my head are telling me i made the right decision but my heart is finally telling me i'm in love when its too late and i just can't go back. my heart is aching but i can't seem to see what else i could have done. it comes in waves where i feel like i've lost my best friend. but what else was i suppose to do? if he was me. if the roles were reverse i don't see how he would do anything different. If you found the person you were almost certain was your soulmate but knew that they just didn't want to be with you. would you stay? would you stay their friend knowing every time you talked every time you spent with each other was just more validation that you were almost made for each. that you just fit like a puzzle piece, always knowing that that person just didn't want you. would you really stay? i just couldn't bring myself to keep feeling this way for someone who just couldn't see themselves with me. i had to let it go. it might not have been fair and it might have been the fairest way to go about it, but it had to be done. i don't know what else i was suppose to do. i can't be riends when at the end of the day it hurts to know that he just can't feel the same way i feel about him. I almost wanted to shake him and scream "can't you see we're perfect for each other" and "why can't you just love me back damnit" but there's no forcing a feeling that's not there. and i wasn't trying to give him an ultimatum. or force him to choose. because in the end someone would get hurt and this way even though we're both hurting. I can try and get over this. I can distract myself with other things. even if my heart still hurts for him. because he was my best friend. and i did lose him that night. the worst part is the pain but i still feel like i made the right decision because it was the only option i had. and it hurts me to know if he's hurting about it too but i just don't know what else i'm suppose to do when i feelings for someone who just doesn't feel the same way for me.

wonderin'

i can't wonder anymore. i'm letting it all go. and the thing about it is. although it might break my heart. at this point i'd rather be without you then be on this see saw trying to figure it out. good bye love. see you on the other side