in simple words

i only want to remember what it is to love. i want the touch. the embrace. the kiss. the feeling. the fire. the passion. but nothing that comes with it. so what do i do?

let go and let God.

i'm done trying it never works out that way.

i can only hope. because when all else is gone. i will still have my hope

losing a feeling at face value

I could mistaken. i could be completely wrong knowing that yes actions do speak louder than words but sometimes you don't always hear the words they speak when you only see face value. there is value in the unknown words the unknown actions taken before or after. i'm losing sight of what i've known because i've fallen into foreign territory and i don't speak the language. honesty is the best policy. i can do honest and straightforward but for some reason i lose my grip when it comes to you. i can't show you what i want. i can't tell you the words i'm dying to say. becaues you hold so much vunerability in your hands but i'm feeling i should just let it all go. i should let it all go and wisk everything i hold inside because its the only way i'm going to be liberated from this. its the only way i'm going to find satusfaction in myself by letting all of this go. by letting you know all of it. emotion is the human reaction that is you.

this is what it is to be smashed

smashed to pieces like a bat to the stomach i'm trying to hold it all in holding it all together and i'm dying inside knowing that he would leave with the girl from the past right in front of my face. she's looking at me with sorrow in every crevence of her face and asking me if i'm okay i'm trying to hold it all in. holding everything i have in me inside but these feelings are stronger than i can hold and heartbreak is so foreign but its coming back like a relative. this is pain and i'm tearing up like this was something to me and deep down i know it was and she's following me with no clue that i'm dying from the inside out and i'm trying to keep it all in. i'm trying to keep it from following out of my mouth like vomit. and here i am regurgitating it all wtih shame in my eyes but she tells me i'm only human to let myself have feelings for someone like that is something that happens and i have to just let myself feel. but feelings i can only take so much of me before i keep feeling like the bat swing to the gut. forgiveness could be possible but the unbelieveable concept that hurt feels this way is what hurts more than the sound of the door slam when she got into the car. so here it goes because i deleted you from everything knowing it was the only way for me not to look and reminisce about the perfect match who didn't want me. so here goes smashing me to pieces with one swing. you should be so proud.

if i ever needed to know what it felt like to have my heart break. it was today.

I feel at such a loss and its almost driving me crazy. i'm trying to keep my head above water but its hard when i had to watch him suffer in front of my eyes knowing no one was going to help me. i'm still crying and haven't been able to stop all day and now i have to live with what happened and the exhaustion i went through and i can't get his face out of mind and i swear i see it every where. and no one understands and its not going to help when my mother is adding fire to this flame. miserable never felt more worse than this. and i'm helpless for him all my strengths mean nothing here. and my heart keeps breaking for him and i can't get his smell off of me. it almost feels like someone is playing some horrible prank on me to see if they can get a spark of feeling from me but i can't move right now i just want to curl up and pray it never happened.

i'm over trying to be friends with vindictive little girls and that's all i have to say about that.

i'm done wasting my time on little boys who thing they are men. and that's all i have to say about that.