if and when the dust settles

a combination of too much emotional things to handle has its way of creeping up on you pretty fast sometimes. I was hoping to give her all the info and was hoping to get that last moment of quality time. and i get that most people might not understand that. i get that it might not seem like that big of a deal to a lot of other people. but i don't need anyone else to really understand what it was like to not be able to see her. for us we knew and it was hard. she's going through a lot right now and she needs me to be there for her and that was one of those times she needed me to be there for her to let her know everything was going to be okay and didn't have to just say it over a phone line. i needed her to let me know i was really okay and that everything in my head was just an emotional misunderstanding i was putting my head through. especially after my talk with him. he only made it more potent that he just never cared about us. or at least didn't care enough about us. all the examples, all the truths. trying to be fine is not always easy sometimes. and i think it was just finally the snap that the words gave me that put my built up anger over the edge. i was genuinely okay before i saw those written words. it just made me mad that he could say that with a pen but was never able to say it in my face. it is so fickle. so freakin fickle. the way he thinks he can easily weasel his way out of the situation like that but then still continues to ignore me even now. its the same old story and the same old tricks. and like i've always said it takes a lot to really piss me off. but a lot of things finally scratched deep enough to hit my angry button.

it was from the nephew who doesn't give a shit and does things to purposely piss me off. fine if you're going to be a little shit. but to take the next big step and fuck with my dog. that's a whole new playing field of messed up. so after this note of emotionless action of taking meaningful words and using them to mean nothing at all. to dealing with this little jerk. to her doing one of her timeless inconsiderate moves. to seeing my grandma's face at realizing the reality of the situation. to the words he kept feeding me of the anger he still feels over the whole thing that just in turn makes me as angry as him. to so many negative angry energies that just got to be too much. i just finally let it all come to the surface and let myself be angry. i was so angry i was shaking. i was fine to forgive her because she was genuinely sorry and apologetic i could tell. and i finally calmed down and i'm fine now. it was just too much in a short period. she even told me, "its been a really rough 4 days for you and i'm sorry." i'm going to be okay though. this isn't new for me. and its just something i have to get past because to be angry feels a lot more horrible than being happy. and my happiness is going to find me again soon. it was already getting there today. i was able to spend time with friends who cherish and love me. spend a decent amount of time just looking for new books and getting new books. it was really relaxing. it felt really good.

i'm starting to think i might just stop talking about the bad stuff with him. i don't know how much of a good idea that is. but i start feeling like it might be too much for him. i'm a lot to deal with in that area and it gets to be quite the burden. and its not fair for me to put that kind of weight on him. i've seen how it messes with things before because of the weight it carries after a while and i just don't want to do that to him. i can carry this by myself like i always have and i know i'll be okay.

i know its just one day at a time. and i'm going to get there. i still fully believe that i need to enjoy every time and day i have. and this angry bad phase might be here right now for a little bit, but its already starting to go away and if i didn't go through these times i wouldn't be able to value the good times as much as i do. so fine, let the bad come my way. i will deal with it and move on accordingly to enjoy and cherish the good and happy that i still have. because despite all of this and in spite of all of this. i'm still going to get myself where i want to go. and be exactly who i want to be. no matter what. and that's just that. go me! haha wow...anyways...

i hope to believe that things can always change for the better...here's to believing happiness and love are completely attainable and tangible.

ready, set, let go...

we sat there having our lunch and i explained to her my minor stupid freak out. i told her what my thoughts were and what i was going through. she just looked at me with a simple smile and said, "you've never let anyone stop you from doing anything you want, now is not the time to start especially since he's just being a dick. you feel this way because he has a way of making you feel this way but that doesn't mean you have to let him. just take a deep breath and let it go because you worked really hard for this and you deserve this happiness." of course she's right in everything she said. and i knew she was and i still know she is. and i trust her to know me well enough to see right through me. but she's right. i have never let anyone stop me from doing anything i want to do. except this time its different. its more like doing right by me now is doing right by us. i'm more concerned with doing right by us which i haven't done too much before. my main concern was always me and although that might sound selfish i had to make something of myself and i was going to do that by any means necessary. but this time i'm concerned about things that might make him uncomfortable that i would've done on a whim just cause.

i take "us" into consideration in decisions that i make and i've never done that before. so i appreciate everything she tells me because she's right and i won't let someone like him stop my happiness. not anymore.

i knew it was drunk texting but all the same, when i'm trying to go to sleep and its 4am, its just a little annoying. to beg and beg after i've said it in a million different ways no. to tell me that ever since the first time he saw me he's thought i was hot and he still thinks i'm cute and he wants to spend time with me. i keep trying to push him away and i thought it worked after he met him and saw he was a real person, but i was wrong and he kept telling me he was just being honest. he wants me to go on a trip with him that he says he will pay for everything. definitely not going to win me over with that. for most girls...probably. but there's always been a big difference between me and most girls and this is one of those things that sets me apart. kissing my ass is not going to win me over and begging isn't going to do it. honesty is always the best policy but when i know you can't get the hint when i told you i'm with someone. what makes you think i wouldn't think you would do the same in any other situation? you put your cards on the table and i see what kind of guy you are. and on top of all of that...you look exactly like the one that broke my heart. identical. and from the first day i saw you, i wanted to punch you in the face because of it. so no. you will not win me over. and i would be careful because you are playing with fire and it hurts to get burned.

he wrote something so simple. like its supposed to change something. she smiles at me hoping it will but i shake my head no and she knows it just isn't enough. he tells me he will always love me and he hopes we can move forward. he forgets that before i left for my last trip he wrote me a similar note and when i came back he told me i didn't matter to him and i never will. so this changes nothing. its easy to write something so simple when you still don't have to be verbal about anything. like i said. you made your bed and now you have to lie in it. i am where you have put me. and that will not change because that was no apology and i knew it wans't sincere because she's the one that bought the card, and she's the one that told you to say soemthing. and she's probably the one that handed you the pen. if it wasn't for her you wouldn't have said anything at all. so this changes nothing and you are still stuck exactly where you put yourself.

i felt bad when she told me what happened. i knew how she felt about him but its so scary for someone to tell you that kind of chemistry isn't there. i'm always afraid of hearing it, but for me i know its there, i just always have this way of doubting myself for someone else. i know that doesn't make too much sense i guess i should explain. i have a tendency to assume someone doesn't think the same way about me unless i'm told different. and if i'm not told different i continue believing what i'm thinking. i know its not good to do some times but its a defensive habit i need to let go of a little bit. but i'm glad i asked and i'm glad i got a good answer. it makes me happy to know i'm not the only one that feels the connection, the feelings, and the chemistry. i am blessed. and i know that. which is even better because i don't take it for granted at all. this rope is comfortably tight and keeps me safe. these things are rare and hard to come by, but that is why i will always cherish this for now and always.

ok. yah...so maybe i'm sprung

but i definitely like it a lot. :)

i know another wave hit and it made me feel pretty stupid because i've never let anyone stop me from what i want for myself and i know i was just having a moment of a blurred mental vision but at least i knew i was being stupid. i guess i was just scared that maybe i was getting myself into something where i end up really caring about someone who ends up not caring as much as they said they did. but that's stupid because i trust him. its weird actually because i don't trust anyone majority of the time. but there is something about the way he tells me he cares and the things he tells me that i automatically trust what he says and that he means it. that might be dangerous but i don't care. it's been too long since i've been able to have these kind of feelings and i want to be happy in that and put all the other stuff to the side.

he knows me so well and although that scares me sometimes because it isn't something i'm used to, it is something i can get get used to. it makes me open up. and i feel so comfortable just talking to him. which makes me feel kind of bad because i want him to feel comfortable talking too and i don't want to be the one doing all the talking. i know it's not like that but i don't want it to ever get like that. i am capable of listening too. i guess i just always figured if he wanted to talk to me about something he would. there's just something about us that has me glad he's the other half to this rope. i give him so much credit for making me so happy when i should be sad. i'm always completely impressed by the way we seem to be able to do that for each other. walls fall all the time, and this one might be gradually coming down but the whole point is that its still coming down one brick at a time and it never felt so good.


i know he gave me up the way he did. everyone keeps telling me that he doesn't mean it and he cares about me. but that doesn't matter to me anymore. everyone else can say it till they're blue in the face but after he said what he said i don't care anymore whether i matter to him or not. i give it all up. and i took away those rights because i know that whether he cares or not that is the one place to hit him where it hurts. i know it might sound malicious, but do unto others as you would have done to you and this is the only way i can ensure that karma will rear her head to his view. and besides all that he doesn't deserve to participate in any of those things. he has been so cold and heartless to me for so long that he just can't play that father role for me anymore. i've put up with too much for too long and this time when way over the line. i'm done with all that and although it was really sad at first and its still kinda sad now i can accept it for what it is and let it go. because as he said, i am only where he has put me. and that is at the end of a long road and i don't see him anymore.

she gave me her full and complete support as i knew she would so that i could continue with the acceptance and its progress. she is the epitome of my idea of unconditional love and she will forever stay that way. but when she told me he had told her that i was finally with the right one for me, i was completely floored. and he hit it right on the nose when he said it was bittersweet. because that's exactly what it is. i would have never thought any thing like that would come from his mouth, but it did. and to say that about him. i hate to say it means a lot to me because he's the one that said it, but it does all the same because he is the one that said it and about him. but if that is the last thing i take from all of this, then that is fine with me.

she's become the only parent. she has been for a long time but its official now. and i can appreciate so much that she knows what i'm going through and knows how it feels. and that she is completely understanding of my lack there of to want to have a relationship with him. he complains so much that they don't have a male role model in their lives but he's only left me with women. and like i said my only male figures are the one that lives so far and the one that has passed. although my circumstances seem so detrimental, like i said, i like who i am and there are people in my life that love me this way, and if you happen to be the person that will always love me this way, i know we'll be happy. because i don't want to change anything about who i am, except maybe taking compliments better and not getting so shy when you give them, and giving them more in return because i feel that way too. but i'm working on it. like i said, one brick at a time. she told me i need to give myself credit because i've been making some big improvements on opening up and letting my guard down, more than i have in a really long time. yay for me! room for improvement and i'm going to take up space.

and when these things just have their time

You know when you've made yourself believe certain truths in your mind? things that you've completely convinced yourself have to be true? I did that to save myself. I at least tried to but to find out i was full of shit. to find out i was completely wrong was shocking. not to say i never think i'm wrong, i know i'm wrong from time to time but this was one of those things of the heart. one of those times that your heart was so invested in something and to find out that this rope was stronger than i gave it credit completely surprised me in this definitive way that had me realizing its really always been tied to you. i wish i had a more poetic way of putting it but i don't. I know we've gotten way past the whole ordeal. obviously. i just never imagined. and now i'm seeing sides of you that have me so happy. so completely happy in us. its making everything a lot less scary for me because it feels so right.

She said i get too scared of him freaking out about things and that once i stop that it'll probably be a lot easier for me to just breath easy. and she's right i do get scared of saying too much or doing too much that might scare him and that scares me. and it almost sounds stupid to say out loud because it kind of is. it sounds stupid because i'm pretty positive i'm falling in love with you him. i woke up the other morning after a great date night we had and realized this. of the course the first thing i do is text her "its official" she asks if there was any argument against it. i told her "no. i know you already knew i just needed to let you know that now i know." she tells me its normal to be scared but that it's also completely normal to feel this way. that i'm finally letting myself care enough about someone and it might be really scary for me but that she knows it'll be worth it because she can hear the happiness in my voice and how content i was the last time she saw me. its been a while since she's seen me that happy and i never thought i was sad already when she had seen me before this last time when we were there but she told me she saw it eating me on the inside. i'm glad i'm transparent to her that way because in my head i like to keep all these things to myself and i'm always trying to hide my thoughts like i'm ashamed to be letting myself think that way but i can't hide them from her which is probably why we're so close.

for the same reason why i'm so close to him. hiding my thoughts from him is like trying to hide behind a small pole in a hide and seek game. i can only pretend he can't see me for so long until he finds me out in the most obvious ways and although sometimes i don't like it becuase i don't want to have to confront what i'm feeling. i like that it makes me come out of hiding and let myself be open. he never ceases to amaze me, as i know i never cease to surprise him. but i'm mostly just happy to be in a relationship that has me feeling like its completely possible for someone to care this much.

it was one of those moments where i was completely proud of myself. i literally wanted to pat myself on the back for getting myself to this point so early on in the game. i know i have other things to be proud of and i know its stupid of me not to see that because of what i've been told almost my whole life. but this was that time when i finally came out of that shadow and saw that i'm really doing something for myself. and now it will be in print. and soon enough i'll be on to even bigger and better things and i'm doing it one day at a time. i'm finally showing myself that i'm completely capable of making everything i've ever wanted for myself a reality. but still knowing that i'm not lucky, i'm blessed, and never taking for granted that fact.

lately i have been so blessed with so many different things and although for me that usually means something bad is about to happen. i'll keep holding on to these positive things because they are so far and few between but i'll take what i can get.

you got it

keep asking myself if i'm real on this? i tripped over my own thoughts today without really realizing. that i kiss him and i feel something. something i've been afraid of for some time. and its hitting me all over again except i'm starting to believe this time i'm not so scared. here's to hoping this time is the one that sticks because these feelings get more real every day and trying to keep them in check is almost impossible.

today he said something to me. pointless nothings that make me believe this man has no idea what he's doing. at the same time i have no patience for nonsense. this whole thing is just nonsense and i keep thinking back to the kids topic and wondering if i would ever be able to see it differently. i would but i would stick to keeping them far away from him. he won't ever change and i know he won't and it doesn't make me sad but only aware of the situation. i don't want him to get the best of me anymore and he never will again. after this. after this moment. things will forever be changed and it doesn't break my heart. not anymore. i wish there are parts i could erase of things he has said and things he has done to make me feel the insecurities. but what is done is done. and i will move on. i will just move on without him.

i'm sitting there next to him and he's asking me all these questions and when i give my answer he says "there's no money in this". at first i took it in, but i know me. my real reply is "maybe not for you". i've made it a goal to succeed in my life and i will. there's no doubt in my mind about that. i'm going to make it some how. and these politics are revealing and questionable but i'm always going to stick vote for myself because i know no matter what i'm going to find a way to get where i want to be. i don't have to compromise anything for that. especially for the things i love. i know what it's like to lose everything and keep going to achieve my dreams. even when all signs were negative. even when everyone said i would lose. this is how i go about things because i depend on myself. and until the day that fades i'm going to keep doing right by me.

i just want you around

you know when you have those moments where you knew how things were but they start becoming more real? i keep having those and i don't know exactly why its making me feel the way i do. because a majority of myself feels this completely comfortable kind of happiness that has me like "woah". but there is a minor piece of me that gets really scared. she said its natural to feel that way because i'm hoping that things don't fall into the same pattern and a month later he's ready to walk throught the door and fall off the face of the planet. but she says he means it this time. that she knows he really cares about me. and in all honesty i do too. its really amazing this time. and it makes me feel so comfortable and warm inside. i didn't realize i was saying what i was thinking until he said "you mean "the one", yah i said it." it had me wondering if he thinks i'm the one. if he's asked himself those questions that i have. the fact that it doesn't scare me anymore to think of what we could be doing 6 months from now. it doesn't scare me anymore to think i feel like i've found the person for me. that someone that just makes me feel like it all makes sense. the fact that it just feels so right.

she told me she hasn't seen me care this much about someone in as long as she can remember. and i realize she's right and that has me happy because i didn't know i could care like this again. i had given up on the idea of this person. but nothing feels better as when he's holding me. and i'm seeing that i appreciate him for who he is and i don't take that for granted. i want to see him succeed in all of his possibilities. i want things to keep going because i know he cares about me. and i think she's right when she says he means it this time.

this time wasn't so bad because i know i'm going to see her soon. sometimes i wish there was more i could do to comfort her. i wish there was more i could say but i find myself at a loss and i know she knows i'm doing what i can to be there for her. i don't want her to feel the hurt she's going through. i'll always do everything i can for her. and i know she'll come through all this as best as she can. i'm glad to see we're permanently best friends forever haha. to each our own and that's the way we like it. i appreciate everything she's done for me and knowing that i was the one that sent that text only showed me even more that the universe had a great plan with us meeting that day. to take care of each other where most just weren't able to. with an understanding of each other that most can't see. i am so lucky.

he said he didn't know how i do it. he was ready to go home after 4 days and letting me know that every time he opened his mouth to say something it was just another dig. i told him this silence has been my vacation. it hits me sometimes when i start realizing just the things i've had to go through because of him. he said it was to make me stronger but all he ever did was make me weak with insecurities. it wasn't until i finally realized he was full of lies and cruel intentions that i moved passed all of his words to find myself whole again. i'm strong despite him and i'm strong to spite him. i will be happy without him because i'm stronger than him. optimism found my heart despite him and i will continue to go that way because i have worked so hard to get myself where i am. and i didn't have anyone encouraging me or helping me when i was growing up. i just had pain, tears, and wounds to try and change me into the pathetic life everyone else adapted to. but i'll be damned if i let myself go that way. i take advantage of the fact that i only get to live this life one time and i will continue to take everything i can from it so i can be in that position one day and be completely satisfied in myself.

and when it comes down to the truth. i'll always be here for you with open arms.