Things are Changing

There are changes happening and I don't know which way i'm going. but if i could put the pieces of my life together i'd still have no idea where i came from. There is a loss that is so sudden in everything that i'm still trying to find myeslf on solid ground. i'm sitting in a room with the rich and famous holding glasses of liquor listening to the next big thing in the music world wondering how i got here and how does everyone know my name. All i have ever done is make a business out of words. I write my soul in the my words and give verything I have because its all I have. Its everything. They think my opinion matters. They think i'm supposed to be the press they've been hoping for. sending me gifts and he sits next to me whispering in my ear trying to gain my affections when i look into his eyes i think we both know exactly what it is he wants. he wants my words. he wants my words on paper he wants the connections he thinks i will give him. he wants what it is i won't give him. he tries to play me but doesn't realize none of it matters to me. because at the end of the night. i'm still the woman sitting in this room sitting around the main players of the game and they know my name. there is this dark shadow i find in myself. i find freedom in the little things. those little signs of light that pull me through. it isn't anyone's fault. its just i haven't quite gotten myself all the way to the place where i know none of this matters. for right now i feel a little sorry for myself because i am the oldest to have not had what they all have. and i'm here trying to the peace within myself to overcome the tragedies of my heart. and no matter how that might sound it is utterly true. he came back into my life seeming to be back to normal. but in the undertones of his voice i heard the resentments that he held on to. the things i used to say to him. when i knew i was nothing more to him than exactly what i ended up being. he wants to feel bad and deep down he does. but there is no point and he lets it slip his mind all the same. so i press delete and go about my day. he came in when he was on tour. he kept in touch every day. and for long periods of time. every day there was something new. and although i wasn't interested at first. i tend to find myself thinking "why not?" which is always my biggest form of trouble. and like magic over night the situation just fades and i'm here clicking delete. i didn't think i was his type. he seemed to always go for the high maintenance type. that was completely not me. till he asked to take me out. i knew he wasn't the good guy he effortlessly comes off as. he showed up two hours late and drunk. with apologies floating on the clouds of his alcoholic tongue, i needed to eat. so i got my free dinner. and a pitcher of sangria i am still regretting. we walked to the local bar and i almost felt like i walked into the wrong place at the wrong time. we sat in the first 30 minutes and i was already on my second jameson. never had i ever mixed wine and liquor and never will i ever mix the two again. He pulled me closer and and my mind was all a blur when he pressed his lips against mine and the room started to spin. The next thing I can remember is waking up in that bed and seeing him next to me. I didn't remember getting off that stool. grabbing my purse. walking the two blocks to the apartment. getting the keys. walking up the first flight. getting to the door. getting inside. taking off my jacket and scarf. heading to the room. getting into the bed. taking off my shirt. and everything else inbetween. i woke up and he was laying there smiling. he kissed my shoulder. he kissed my back. he pulled me in closer and i closed my eyes and let the hangover fall over me like a blanket. i had been wanting him for a while and to see him next to me, i knew i was helpless. the next day he called. he said it was game on. he was going to prove something to me. i still don't believe a single world. and pressed delete. i might be quick to walk away but with reason. don't give me the "at least he showed up" response because i'm better than that. I am ready now. and when my time comes and i'm heading in the right direction hopefully this numb feeling will die and i'll be born again. but until then, its all just a game of the heart that would be easier to play if mine was willing to put in some effort. but it seems that its decided to retire and i've decided not to change its mind. to each their own and i just can't do it anymore. i put my soul into my words and lose a little of it every day because of it. i don't regret that or resent that all. i just let it happen and it seems to be giving me the career i've always wanted. eventually i'll find peace in that. i'm almost there. i'm just finding myself at the end of the rope where the last of those feelings still linger. they are a bit stronger than i'd prefer but they are saying farewell.