Why don't you come on over?

Having this moment when I'm feeling like I'm by myself in an apartment with 2 other roommates. I get I haven't been here for a while because of all the traveling but I honestly feel like I live alone. I cleaned the whole apartment and nothing. It's making me want to leave but it's a good apartment and really what does it matter?

It was like a car going out of control.it drove off the side of the road and there was nothing in could do about it because I wasn't driving and I wasn't doing anything to cause this wild ride. Get over yourself. I'm sorry if you don't know how to handle your feelings hit you should grow a pair and own up to them. You have feelings for him. He told you he wants to be in a relationship with me when you know that's never going to happen and yet you want to end our friendship? At least I know the truth now and just how much you valued our friendship.

I want it to come naturally and some times it does. But other times I feel shy. Not in a I want to do this but I'm too shy kinda way. Hut almost like an, I don't really know how much I care kind. Of way. Tomorrow he has a surprise planned so maybe seeing him will change things. Until then I'm still having a weird time coming around to the idea.

Yesterday the final copy was laying right next to me and I got a glimpse of the cover and almost wanted to cry hit didn't because I was in the office. One more week.

And you're trying to find a revelation

Some kind of resolution


We landed back home after a week of being so far away from everything. He was there waiting for us. Waiting for me. And the expression on his face only told me he couldn't wait much longer. He dropped her off at his place and then took me home. He stood me on the sidewalk as he explained my birthday present. To my surprise it was a root beer that I had been looking for for five years. My favorite one I couldn't find anywhere. And he found it along with four other cases of root beer. He walked me home with bags of root beer to fill my refrigerator. He told me to unpack and take a shower while he went to get us food.

We laid there taking as you revealed your history. I gave you some insight into mine. I felt it necessary to explain why I'm so standoffish to him. Why it might seem like I'm so cold. Why I am not quick to respond to the emotions because my heart has been evokes so many times in the exact same way.

He pulled me closer to him and kissed my shoulder till he reached my face. At first I thought I felt something. It was there deep down hiding but it went away so quickly I almost thought I had been fooled. He brings it out of me so gradually because I realize how much I want his attention. He kissed me like he wanted me and I got caught up in the lust of it all. In the midst of the scent of flesh I had to stop him. I didn't trust it. I didn't trust myself in it. And I had to pull away because there was an insecurity there. He didn't complain or object but only kissed me more and said he would go.

Everyone I told about him tells me how sweet he is. How much of a keeper he is. And the fact that he's a triathelete with his amazing photoshopped looking body has to make me want him. But with all those things I still find myself making baby steps. And she understands. She told me it makes total sense why I proceed with caution.

And he's there whispering in my ear with all his youth and longing. The other one that wants everything about me. He can't stop telling me how much he wants me. How he wants to marry me. How he can't stop thinking about me and he's falling for me all over again. Because that story is on repeat from last year. And the fact I know what kind of guy he is I dropped him and he found her and still is attached to her. They tell me not to ruin what I have with prince charming for the piped piper and I won't. Because there are childish truth behind his youthful lies. And he can try to woo me in as many ways as he sees fit but at the end of the day, he doesn't have a fighting chance.

So I keep my eyes open because I don't know of im willing to myself through any of it. Because I don't know how much I want the prince in his Adonis looking body standing in front of me despite all of his perfections.

Heartbreak hotel

Laying here listening to you tell me you fell in love back then. You still think about me now. You want me to come and be where you are. And I want to run so far away. Being thousands of miles away. And there is a feeling that has left my bones.

I'm laying in a bed in puerto rico and I wish I didn't have to leave. I want to lay here forever and forget all these memories. You texted and said happy birthday and j almost hoped you had forgot. I realized I'm still angry and hurt because I know you don't care. J don't even want to tell you details because in too afraid to let you in. And you still don't get it and you still don't care.

I had moments this week I almost forgot we're possible. Complete relaxation and happiness because I was so far from everything and everyone and so at peace with myself after everything. After all of this. I got what j wanted in my birthday and I found it on a beach in San Juan.

I wish I could find a wag to bring that feeling back. But it's left me here and it doesn't seem like its coming back. So I'll keep the peace I found in me and let go of the idea it might come back to me.

Peace is finding a warmth in the moments I'll never forget.

Birthday wishes

For birthday kisses.

Landed in Puerto Rico yesterday. Finally feeling like its a vacation with sun, pool, tans, good food, sight seeing, and liquor.

My birthday is in two hours and I almost don't care. I'm having fun and I love it. And things have been so good for me work wise. As of next month my career is going to take an amazing leap forward.

He wants me and I can see it in my eyes but and a part of me wants to open up to him but I just can't right now. I feel myself too numb. But when he kissed my shoulder I almost felt something. And when he was asking me about my heart break I could t tell him. He's a lot of what I need buy missing things I want. So I feel myself letting go and tonight I dance it all away. Like I always do.

You don't even remember my name anymore and that is just something j have to get used to. I guess starting now.

Sunshine

Nas said, "Can't Forget About You" and I could hear classics running through my head. Trying to find the moment. The moment when you feel it all inside and the ice starts to melt and colors start to show.

I remember when I used to feel something about it. Now I tell people parts of my story and they start to shed tears of tragedy and I wish I had kept it all to myself. She looks at me and asks, "how do you even handle half the things you go through?" and I feel like an alien on my own.

She called and it made me feel human again. She speaks my language and I feel like I'm not such a stranger. We both serve as an encouraging reassurance for each other. She Knows me better than anyone which is why she's my person. She the only one. She's been the only consistent person in my life that wasn't my grandparents. I know it's nearly impossible to find anyone close to her but maybe it's just better that way.

I say this every year but i think I've finalized my opinions on the matter with this year. I give up on my birthday. It is officially cursed. I can literally go back to each birthday as far back as I can remember and name something that has done enough to ruin it. I have to deal with my heart in pieces, finding out I can never have kids, and I might have to go through all of this again?! Even if it's a week before my birthday it's before my birthday which means it just pours into it and even if I try my best for it not to, it just doesn't change anything. I'm hoping it will get better when I get out of here. But I want to believe you'll still think of me on that day. Wow...really?

I thought about her all day yesterday. It was like I could feel her in my soul and I knew I need to call. I got home walked into my room and she was calling me. I sole to her completely in Spanish. Just the sound of her voice brought me back to a place where I felt utterly comfortable. It was like finding a warm place to relax within myself. I would have done anything in that moment to hug her and thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes. I depend on her for my humanity. I don't feel numb when she talks to me and it feels so real. Forever will I ever love my grandmother.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. And I'm still holding on.

"you're giving me the coldest stare like you don't even know I'm here."

There's this part of me. This completely incredible part of me that I know can give so much. Can offer so much. And I feel it dying. I feel it slipping away from me. Like its so tired of giving it away to only be rejected every time. And it's slipping from my fingers and I can't grab it anymore. It almost hurts more to even notice it was there. And that it all was wasted. Totally wasted. On people who didn't even care. And now he's telling me he wants me to be his girlfriend and he doesn't even really know me while the other one is planning incredible dates and impeccable surprises and none of it phases me. Because that part of me that cared. That part of me that gave a shit and want to give you so much, died and left me here not trusting any word they say.

They lost before they got past hello. And I know it's not their fault and it has nothing to do with them. And I've heard the whole thing about not letting your past ruin your future. But my past was a history lesson. A lesson of building tougher skin. I haven't begun picking up the pieces of my heart let alone assembling what's left of it. U don't know how and I don't know if I want to. I know it would take me by myself a while to fix what's been broken and I don't know how much I have in me at this point in time to do it.

It's like a hurricane and I'm so heavy in your arms and I still feel your skin and the pain in my veins has me longing for someone else's touch. Just do I can give it all up. But at the end of the day is rather just be alone reminiscing over the one that got away. The woman I used to be. The spirit that ran this body so wild and free. Content with the way you smelled on top of me. Fingers twisting my hair and the taste of the way it felt. But the sweat and tears couldn't replace the sound of your guilt. And I'm wrapped up in miserable dreams of nonexistent ideals. Surrender.

Light it up

And set fire to everything I want and can't have.

Today she called me. She had a long drive ahead of her and we've always had a free range of conversations. Years of a friendship I will constantly cherish even at 3000 miles away. She asked me what what was new and it all came out. She told me she is so proud of me and all my hard work. That I came out here to get things done and I am. And even though it's always worked for me that my career does well when I have virtually no love life, that it's better that way. That in my hometown they see me as a success. And I guess there is always a price that comes with it.

I went in and already knew they had no idea what they were doing. And I know these are things I need to take care of right away but as of right now it will have to wait till next week. He already told me the possibilities of children is not likely for me. Happy birthday to me. When I told her all she could do was cry. I knew she always hoped I would have the option but she doesn't realize that I still do. I adopted them for a reason and they will always be a part of me. I guess I'll find out the rest next week.

She wanted me to give him a chance and he did too. I went without any intention of caring. He sat across from me and we talked over crepes. For someone my age, intellectual, and interesting, I am still just so numb. I just can't trust anyone anymore. Well when it comes to my love life. I feel like there's a scar that runs so deep it can't heal because I keep getting cut in the same spot. So dramatic I know but whatever. Who cares?

He walked with me and I knew I had intrigued him. He saw what they all see and all it made me want to do is crawl back into my shell and hope he couldn't see me. No matter how much I hope he's genuinely as sweet as he makes himself out to be, at the end of the day I still don't trust it.

I feel like my heart might really be turning to ice. I had looked down and realized he had texted me. I read it and felt no sympathy. If this was the old me, I would have texted back "so now you care about how I feel?" but I'm too old for all that drama. And the damage has been done. So I press delete and go on with my day. Because why would I reply to open myself up more when we both know you already proved me a fool for doing that in the first place? I have hopeless hopes one day you'll mean it. But holding on is what makes me so numb to it all anyways.

"I just need you one more time. I can't get what we had out of my mind. But it seems we're going nowhere fast."

Until the next day came around and he comes to pick us up with our friends to takes us to a party. With no intention of doing anything else but giving us a ride so we didn't have to take the train. He kisses my cheek and tells me how beautiful I am and gets back into the car and drives off. They give me a look and I know what it means and we walk into the party.

He comes up to me standing over me at 6'2" and asks my name and if he can call me sometime. There are countless characteristics that have made up my mind that I don't want anything to do with him. But we're at his party at his house. He points at his Lexus, he pulls out his red motorcycle. And I could really give a shit as the other girls look at me like "why her?" he fiends for my attention but my attention is on dancing this feeling away. We are about to catch a cab until he says "let me take you home on my bike". She looks at me and the next thing I know we're on the back of two motorcycles in short shorts and I miss the feeling. That feeling of freedom and peace I always find when I'm on a motorcycle. With fireworks going off in the sky, I forget everything else around me and before I know it's over. He wants more from me but I never gave him anything to begin with and walk away.

And I don't even feel sorry for myself. Because then he turns around and says "You have a new piece in the next issue." and I'm back to reality. That none of you could be more important than my work. You are a carbon copy of all the rest of them. And that was the worst part. You knew that. You knew everything. And you never had an intention of sparing me.

" you had a good game. I must admit. I used to hang on to your every word...but I've heard it all before"

I just don't have it in me anymore and you don't have it in you to change. You said if I didn't believe people could change it was because I didn't believe in them. But you didn't give me anything to believe in and now it just hurts.