Smile

You'll find that life is still worth while if you just smile.

I sat there with the words in my head. He spoke and I knew how crazy I was back then. The way I made him feel. The way I made myself feel. I wish he would have just put me out of my misery and left me alone. But he always came back and I never understood why. If He always knew it wasn't me. But the way he talks about his situation at hand reminds me of the situation I had with him. The look in his face and I recognize what I didn't see then. And I can still hear her singing"when you look at my face, you know that for me it's still real". But I'm not stuck in that life anymore. In that hopelessness I felt.

Although none of it has gotten better because there is no effort in me anymore. There is no drive to change it and I just keep finding myself mixed up in the same guys over again. He said he thought he was missing out and wanted his chance. I gave him a window of opportunity but he proved himself not able to reach it. Three times. I guess that's a strike out.

He writes so eloquently. And then I turned it over to open the envelope. He had written "be inspired" on the back. And as I pulled the letter from its place, there unfolded the most incredible love letter I could've ever read. From beginning to end it had me captivated. And I re-read it about a hundred times just so I could believe someone was capable of writing something like this to me.

He told me everything I could've wanted to hear. And for years I knew this is what he wanted to ways say. But there was never a moment because I was always moving out of his reach. But he turned everything upside down and for the very first time, I saw him. And it broke my heart because 3000 miles away and we still aren't in the right place. He knows he isn't who he needs to be for me yet. But I sit here having another one bite the dust, and I wish be was.

Time is my worst enemy.

At a loss for words

We sat there eating. Sitting across from each other. My friend I started in this business with. Her the photographer, me the writer. We're discussing our recent projects and our future ones we want to team up on. She tells me about her love life as I updated her on mine. She looks at me with this serious expression on her face and says, "did it ever hit you that we just aren't meant for love because of the careers we love so much?" I look at her and almost don't know what to say except, "all the time."

We both gave up the ideas we found so ideal to be successful. We walked through the door to one of the most exclusive clubs in New York, and we're immediately approached by people from managers to publicists to artists and musicians because they know who we are or they've heard of us and want us to work with them. We go to concert and parties we've dreamed of. We are on a name basis with musicians we've looked up to. And we are so in love with what we do. She speaks through her photography and it's brilliant. I put all of my passion in my written words. Now she sits here a photographer for Rolling Stone and I sit across from her, a writer for The Source.

She tells me the ins and outs of getting involved with guys that can't appreciate the quality we can add to their lives because we are just competition. Our success becomes their burden. And we both look at each other knowing the answer to all our questions. I wish love wasn't so taboo in my dictionary. But I guess it was the price I paid for the career and lifestyle I always dreamed of. And it's only just begun for the both of us.

Today I learned that I just don't care anymore.

And it happens like clockwork

You told me you wanted to stop. No pause. Just stop. That because of our last conversation you didn't think it was a good idea. That we're too different. And I'm almost ready to tell everyone to stop lying to me. There's obviously something wrong.

We found out we were different. But to say it was that conversation. The conversation in which I expressed my wanting for you to take me on a regular date. Where you pick where we go or what we do and you take me out. Because from what I recall I've picked where we've gone because you didn't know. Oh and I paid for my meal. But apparently me wanting you tovar least put forth a normality in our dating life rubbed you the wrong way. Good thing it wasn't officially and it didn't matter anyways.

She told me the same thing she always does. That I just haven't met the right guy. And if someone tells me one more time that I need to stop trying and let it happen my head is going to explode. Because i haven't tried for any of these guys. They always just happen to me and I wish I would try so maybe they wouldn't anymore.

God help me if I hear another guy tell me he doesn't want a relationship with me. So stop fucking wasting my time. Don't ask to go out. If you don't want to be in a relationship then leave me the fuck alone already. But I should know by now and I keep saying this over and over again. But I should've fucking known when i know good and fucking well this is what is just the case for me.

Work work and more work. That's all I have to think about now. That's all I want to think about now. That's where all my energy will be from here on out. Fuck all the rest of it.

And fuck you for getting me here.