When it becomes something real

and somewhere in the midst of it you start losing who you are. I remember the day he told me I was a lionness before I had met him. And something about him changed me. Ever since then, I had always wanted to get back to that lioness I was and always looking out to see if I had lost her. My stomach is losing its cool right now as I think about how far it got. How much I'm not ready for anything like that. Every time in the past, I was ready for it. Not to say I was happy about it, but I was just emotionally and mentally ready for it to be over. But this. This I was far from ready for. I know I pushed and I realized the next day when he told me to shut the fuck up that I had pushed you too far. I know I'm afraid. and i know when i get scared I test you. I test you too much. I know there's a love there. I do. I know it. But...I need to stop finding the "but". You love me. I love you. That's it. I just want us to love each other. That's it. That's all I really want. I know if we just do that, we'll both end up getting what we want. We will both end up getting what we need. At the moment a part of me, a big part of me, still thinks you're ready to leave. You're already out the door and i put you there. Because of something I said out of frustration. I know I can apologize a million times, but I don't know if that's enough for you. I want to shower you with my love, but I don't know if i'm smothering you. I want to do everything I possibly can to show you you're everything I want, but I don't want to scare you. and there it is. That constant fear. That has me wondering, how did I get here? Can you forgive me? Can you see that I can be enough for you? I can be everything? Is that enough for you? Somewhere in your heart, do you still love me the way you did that night we were sitting in the silence of the fountain? Do you think of me? Do you miss me? The fear is like choking on my words. I don't want to say everything. I don't wany ask all these questions. and its not because you haven't shown me you care. It's because I don't know how far I take it. and i'm constantly afraid of giving too much of myself. giving too much away because what if its too much for you? but then again, I think i've already been too much for you. Obviously, this is a two way street and i'm not the only one with two much pent up issues. But where does the healing begin? where can i start? I want to talk to you but i'm afraid of overwhelming you. I need to start somewhere. because the last thing i want is to lose you. and when I think about where we were and where we've come, I think of how much better things have gotten. we are happier more times than we are angry or sad, but maybe that's what it is. maybe that's what scares me the most. For the first time, could i really have all the happiness and love i need in one person? and how do I keep it and have you wanting me just as much as I want you? I guess he was always right, Never play with something you should cherish for life. Cherish me.

In the depths of it all

I know what the problem is. I know where it all is. I can hear it in the words i sometimes relive just to understand. The sound of every one of his syllables in my ear and it breaks my heart every time. I understand now just how deep those were went under my skin which is why now i can understand how i hold responsibility for the way i question everything. for the way i wonder if i can spend the rest of my life like this and the way you respond "that's up to you" as if you just don't care only worsens my doubts. i want to believe in you. i really do, but i just don't. and i know i just can't talk about it anymore. she said i want a roller coaster not a merry go round. but somewhere this has turned into a merry go round. i have a history of accepting the emotionally unavailable. why? i have no idea. I can only assume what it means but then that would just lead me further down the rabbit hole. for now i can only hope that i get it together. together enough to know when i need to leave you. right now i just can't because i still love you and i feel like things are not all that bad. that we argue over stupid things but mostly because i'm trying to get some emotion out of you. she knows better than i do just how emotionless you are and she only tries to give me hope telling me that she knows you love me. i know that too. i just don't know how deep that goes or if it even goes beyond the surface. am i foolish for being here next to you? am i going to be just like them hoping just for the words to make it all worth everything? but he says it to her. he shows it to her. and sometimes in the very time that i don't expect it at all, you show up with the love you have. and maybe i don't need to get it all the time because i won't appreciate it as much, but for some reason right now, the way things aren't isn't going to make me happy. because i'm not entirely happy. and its naive to think i can be. but the fact that progress isn't even on your radar. is this how its always going to be? is this how you're always going to see us? just because you have gotten comfortable in the way things are right now you have no intent on progressing anything? i won't stand for it. and i won't put up with it. it isn't fair and you know it. just as well as i do. and then i'm caught up in the space between to force and to let you just do it on your own. but i already know you never will. and i think you do too. that you're never going to move unless i do. that you're never going to give unless i do. you mimic every step, every word, every gesture because you don't know how to do it on your own. or you just don't care to learn or to show or to say. and i'm hear wondering how you really feel. constantly wondering how you really feel and to just stop getting the "what do you want me to say" or "i don't know what to say" or the "i dont' know" response that i've gotten so accustommed to. Do you really love me? do you feel it? if i didn't try to hold you, would you hold me? if i didn't try to kiss you, would you kiss me? if i didn't try to be initimate with you, would you touch me? if i didn't love you the way you love me, would you still love me anyway? I'm starting to think i might have to make a change and hpoefully be happier in that change and if not then what do i lose? my mind is playing tricks on me and i know its not entirely your fault but i do know that you enable my doubts and concerns. and i know you say you are going to try and be different but then nothing changes and when i bring it up to you, you only agree with me. to what end? to appease me? is this all to appease me? but then who benefits from that? where is the change? tell me, "yes, i have changed and this is how i feel i've changed." where am i going? what am i doing? feeling lost never felt so confusing... if love was enough if love was the cure would you still be able to cure me?