constant surprises

i looked at her and gave my thanks for an understanding of misunderstandings. these things have been falling party for a while i keep trying to hold them up out of necessity but realizing that he keeps taking the pieces out like this is a jenga game. our tower finally fell. and i'm not sorry it did. i'm not trying to build it back up and its like a weight off my shoulders to know i can just let it all go. they always say blood is thicker than water but this blood has run dry. i feel whole in the absence. i feel renewed in a departure.

at first i felt like it stung. i already knew. it wasn't a secret. i wish it was different. i really wish it was. but i came to realize you can't be the victim when you were once the one. when once upon a time it was you. i've walked in those steps and know the way it feels. but i also know its possible to come back from it. its possible to come up for air from this. because like i said it doesn't change how if eel. nothing before us matters to me. because all the matter is us now and where we're going. there's no looking back. i'll still be the one holding his hand.

it surprises me that i can be this way now when once upon a time i probably wouldn't have handled anything this way. it makes me wonder how i got to this point and i start to believe that its all because tragedy is a friend of mine. trouble is my neighbor that always drops by for a visit. and heartbreak is the relative that always keeps calling. andi could easily fall back into an intense depression that had me wondering what i'm doing here, but instead with a smile on my face i stay calm and keep looking forward because i know all these things are temporary. i can't hold on to the negative. and i won't hold on to this negative or the other negatives we've had because deep down i really believe you care for me. somewhere in you i really think you love me.

and i want our time to last, and i want you to see that there is someone capable of sticking with you through thick and thin that won't just take your heart and smash it because they can. i get nervous because when it comes to you, i've never cared for anyone as much as i care about you. and yah that scares the hell out of me. but the roller coaster is still worth the scary parts when i'm happiest with you.

ghost day

having one of those days when i realize i'm just a ghost walking around in this house. it seems every time i try to talk to her about something that happens to me she has to talk about my sister like i've never said anything to her about myself at all. i know that might sound selfish and it quite honestly might be but i'm tired of her thinking that because she made me grow up learning how to take care of myself doesn't mean i don't need a mother. but that seems to be the way things have gone. that she has to put all of her focus into the one that can't take of care of themselves. and as she said "that's a condition that has proven to be permanent". i would think by now i would get used to being the one that's looked over but even when its the simplest thing like getting my hair done. she can't even give me the satisfaction of just letting that be about me and not my sister. but she does it to me every time. its bad enough that i'm not talking to him and i have to live with the sibling i can't talk to, on top of 3 kids. but apparently there is no where else to go. i told her i would much rather be adopted by her mom and i'm sure she would do it too.

i guess it wouldn't make much of a difference because i would still be here. she tells me i'm doing great things and i just can't let this get to me and i know she's right and my life as a ghost is just something i have to accept here but its hard knowing your family doesn't even see you. ever. i wish my brother was here all the time. then i would feel like i have family. but maybe one day. i guess i can hope for that at least. and if that's all the hope i have in this situation i'll take it.

because i might that person hoping for some days but if that's what it takes to get out of here then so be it. and i'll be much happier. i'll be appreciated on my own than here hoping someone sees me as something more than something just happened.

i was glad that he backed off when i got mad. i am that person you just have to let be mad for something. i need to just be mad about it and i'll get over it. it was more of a "that sucks" that really being mad though. from my past i had never had that person to go with me to places with my friends. i think twice was the max amount in both cases. i guess i just got my hopes up that this time would be different but i was wrong for now. and i think that's why it just kinda sucked. but i did get over it because i'm not one to hold on to things unless its of a serious offense. and in which case things would've been a lot more different.

i didn't very much appreciate her tone and remark. i realize that i'm different from most girls and so don't get too touchy about certain things but don't try to shake my trust in a short comment. i'm sure you didn't mean to go about things that way so i let it roll off my shoulders, but i trust my man for what its worth. his past is his past as is mine and that's just that.

it was definitely strange to see him come to me and say hi. he seemed to be acting a certain way and i think a little offended i wasn't giving him the attention he was hoping for. but its kind of what he deserves and its just the way it is now. so it is what it is.

i really can't think of too much to write right now. which kinda sucks because i'm feeling like walking through the door i've unleashed a swift kick to the teeth for myself. but one step at a time. and i'll make sure i get there.

forget about the world, its just gonna be you and me tonight

i'm trying to figure out all the thoughts in my head. so here goes what i can gather.

he tried to give me money and i toldher to let him know i don't need his money anymore. i can take care of myself. and i can. and i have. and it might be a little more difficult now but i can figure it out i always do and so far i have and i will continue to do so. i might set my dreams too high but i'll always find a way to make them my reality. i still haven't talked to him and soon it will be a week which is not so bad we've gone longer but this time i care less than i ever have before. i talked to him about it and he's understanding if he didn't have so much unresolved issues with the man. but it happens and its the way things have been for us. it might seem irregular to a lot of people because its definitely irregular to us but this has been our life since we were kids and at times its absolutely tragic but for me as i see it, things could be worse.

today was my first day. and i met the owners of the magazine. kind of crazy for me to see the kind of atmosphere i've been wanting to get into and having an amazing day doing it and proving to myself that i can. this is the beginning of something for myself and i feel it. this opportunity didn't present itself for no reason. this could be what i've been looking for and i'm going to try and find what i can doing it. here's to starting my career...

i was lucky that i got to see him 3 times last week. that's not a record but still a great week. the more time we get i feel the better things get. i could spend all day with him even if we weren't talking. i know he wouldn't like that so much but still. it sounds so cheesy to say i like just being around him but i do. i like that i can just lay on his couch playing video games listening to him dj. its the perfect way to stay in. i just wish i had to balls to get up and dance which i usually want to but not exactly sure if it would be weird. and this is what i mean about holding back. i don't know why sometimes i get so scared to just be me. i want to just let go but sometimes i just get so nervous. i think is more being nervous than it is actually scared.

it was kinda funny to see his face when someone else was trying to get at me right in front of me. i kinda wondered before how he would react if that ever happened and he definitely seemed pretty bothered by it. but at the end of it all he knows he's going to be the one i'm kissing. i'm happy that he's there and i'm happy he cares and i'm happy i can show him how much he means to me. but i'm dying here. haha. in the sense that my body needs it. or at least i do and i'm dying without it and it kind of sucks because i feel like i can't let loose with it because i'm not sure if i should. i understand the circumstance and i appreciate it really. but at the same time you're killin me smalls! haha i guess i'll just have to hold out. but i don't know how much longer that's going to be.

thanks for always making me feel like i'm the only girl to you <3