I can feel the anger just come over me. I can feel it over. It's like a wave that's drowning me. I feel like I want to jump out of my skin just to save myself. If you didn't give a fuck about me you should've left me alone. You are the bad guy. You are the one that fucked shit up. You are the one that got caught. Just accept it. Accept that it was you that wanted to be a player. Accept that it was you that wanted something that wasn't with me. Because that was you and you were that guy.
You want me to be dead to you then your wish about to be granted. And I'll never speak to you again after this moment. You won't mean a thing to me. You want to know what hurt feels like. Yu have no idea where it starts. You have no idea what it feels like to sit here knowing you won't come to see me but you can go to someone else.
You wanted to make me the fooling when you were acting foolish all along.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Comfortable
Dont ever get too comfortable.
I woke up today like almost none of it had happened. That you hadn't yet again tried to make me the bad guy because I wanted out of a situation that was hurting me. A situation that wasn't making me happy. Why were you so surprised? I gave you exactly what you asked for if that's the kind of guy you wanted to be. You got almost exactly what you wanted from me except the career booster you were hoping for.
I got out of bed like it never happened. Like you hadn't told me you didn't want anything to do with me. That you hadnt told me you didn't want to speak to me anymore because you didn't want me to say hello with a smile on my face being happy while you were sad. I didn't feel like you had told me you were shedding tears heart broken and sad, when I knew it wasn't true. You were just mad I wasn't going to let you use me anymore.
And then I turned and saw your hat. I told you I would give it back. You of course didn't want to take the chance of seeing me so soon. But then have the gall to send me pictures of your new tattoo telling me there is a difference between sending me pictures and speaking to me. Where? Where is the difference? Because both are just your sad attempts to get me to speak to you. Today it worked because I felt bad. Tomorrow and for the days after, you will not be so fortunate.
He told me "he couldn't be a man to your face but proved to be a bitch via Text." truth.
But everything changes again tomorrow. Working on furthering my future. Writing my life away because it's my true love. It's what takes me away from the life I've grown so numb to. And because of that, I find a passion that's undeniable because some how there is always someone wanting to read it. I can't stop now andi need to keep pushing for more. So much more.
I woke up today like almost none of it had happened. That you hadn't yet again tried to make me the bad guy because I wanted out of a situation that was hurting me. A situation that wasn't making me happy. Why were you so surprised? I gave you exactly what you asked for if that's the kind of guy you wanted to be. You got almost exactly what you wanted from me except the career booster you were hoping for.
I got out of bed like it never happened. Like you hadn't told me you didn't want anything to do with me. That you hadnt told me you didn't want to speak to me anymore because you didn't want me to say hello with a smile on my face being happy while you were sad. I didn't feel like you had told me you were shedding tears heart broken and sad, when I knew it wasn't true. You were just mad I wasn't going to let you use me anymore.
And then I turned and saw your hat. I told you I would give it back. You of course didn't want to take the chance of seeing me so soon. But then have the gall to send me pictures of your new tattoo telling me there is a difference between sending me pictures and speaking to me. Where? Where is the difference? Because both are just your sad attempts to get me to speak to you. Today it worked because I felt bad. Tomorrow and for the days after, you will not be so fortunate.
He told me "he couldn't be a man to your face but proved to be a bitch via Text." truth.
But everything changes again tomorrow. Working on furthering my future. Writing my life away because it's my true love. It's what takes me away from the life I've grown so numb to. And because of that, I find a passion that's undeniable because some how there is always someone wanting to read it. I can't stop now andi need to keep pushing for more. So much more.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Love t.k.o.
And it's tragic. But I almost don't care at this point. The attitude when you talk, the look on your face when you see me. I'm just over it. I dont care to feel like this anymore so I won't. Letting it go so I can grow. I don't need to be made out to feel like a stupid bitch anymore. Because it's so obvious you dont care and not even you can tell me that's not true. So lights out I'm knocked out. Oh love oh love, stop making a fool of me.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Round 3
I like to think I go through pain to get to something good. I have yet to find the good. But can it make it's way here? I mean even just a taste?
I feel like no matter what I do I'm made to lose. You want to make me the bad guy. Like im the crazy one. Like I'm the one that's done something wrong so you don't have to look at yourself. So you don't have to realize how much of an asshole you're really being. Instead you tell me I'm the drama. You think I'm crazy. When it is so black and white that I haven't done anything at all. All I ever did was show you I care and really make you the only one. Even when I didn't want to. I made it about you. But you couldn't make it about me.
You made me believe you had. You keep trying to make me believe that it just can't be true. But it is hard to deny a truth I read with my own eyes. I was never the only one. And that isn't even the part that hurts. It's the fact that even after everything else, you still just can't be honest with me. And yet I'm not surprised.
So maybe I am the crazy one. Because I believed you. And the worst part about it? You know im right. And the part that kills me the most ? You weren't the first one to do this to me. The difference between now and then? I wasn't in love with you. At least being in love has left my body.
Because now all I feel is this all encompassing numb feeling I almost missed.
I need her so bad right now. And now I'm the one in NY and she's in CA. I miss my person. 3 more weeks.
I feel like no matter what I do I'm made to lose. You want to make me the bad guy. Like im the crazy one. Like I'm the one that's done something wrong so you don't have to look at yourself. So you don't have to realize how much of an asshole you're really being. Instead you tell me I'm the drama. You think I'm crazy. When it is so black and white that I haven't done anything at all. All I ever did was show you I care and really make you the only one. Even when I didn't want to. I made it about you. But you couldn't make it about me.
You made me believe you had. You keep trying to make me believe that it just can't be true. But it is hard to deny a truth I read with my own eyes. I was never the only one. And that isn't even the part that hurts. It's the fact that even after everything else, you still just can't be honest with me. And yet I'm not surprised.
So maybe I am the crazy one. Because I believed you. And the worst part about it? You know im right. And the part that kills me the most ? You weren't the first one to do this to me. The difference between now and then? I wasn't in love with you. At least being in love has left my body.
Because now all I feel is this all encompassing numb feeling I almost missed.
I need her so bad right now. And now I'm the one in NY and she's in CA. I miss my person. 3 more weeks.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Round two
I put too much hope into the wrong places and then wonder how I got there. But I'm giving it all up now. I'm embracing the numb feeling and just letting go. Just let go.
I can't give up on myself and eventually hopefully this will all make sense. Although right now it just doesn't. I dont get how I end up being the girl they always sleep on. I'm never enough and they always need more than me. And i feel this pain in my chest and my stomach starts to hurt. But at this point it's like magic. All an illusion I could only believe is real. But it never is.
He looks at me. In the eyes. And tells me one thing while I go and read something that makes him look like a liar. Somehow I end up being the bad guy because I made him feel like shit about it. And yet I'm stuck with the hurt feelings like I did something wrong. When I was the honest one.
I knew it all along. And really there isn't anything to say or do but accept the pain i know all too well. I wasn't meant for love and it wasn't meant for me. He's been right all my life. It was never meant for me. I keep trying to fight it but I think now I'm finally letting it all go. I cant keep helping the ones that only want something from me. I'm done with it all. I'm over it all.
I just don't care anymore .
I can't give up on myself and eventually hopefully this will all make sense. Although right now it just doesn't. I dont get how I end up being the girl they always sleep on. I'm never enough and they always need more than me. And i feel this pain in my chest and my stomach starts to hurt. But at this point it's like magic. All an illusion I could only believe is real. But it never is.
He looks at me. In the eyes. And tells me one thing while I go and read something that makes him look like a liar. Somehow I end up being the bad guy because I made him feel like shit about it. And yet I'm stuck with the hurt feelings like I did something wrong. When I was the honest one.
I knew it all along. And really there isn't anything to say or do but accept the pain i know all too well. I wasn't meant for love and it wasn't meant for me. He's been right all my life. It was never meant for me. I keep trying to fight it but I think now I'm finally letting it all go. I cant keep helping the ones that only want something from me. I'm done with it all. I'm over it all.
I just don't care anymore .
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Round and round
I keep looking for all the right things in all the wrong places.
I've found myself again in the same situation of wanting what I can't have and not being able to let myself just get out while I still can. I don't know why I try for things. It's like I'm too stubborn to think that there is someone out there that doesn't want to be with me if I could just show him how happy I would make him. So now all I can o is just let it all go. This time I have to. I can't keep letting myself fall down this same downward spiral. For the sake of my forsaken heart
I want my career more than anything and that seems to be somewhat looking up, so I need to just let go of this constant need to be wanted. It's done and it's over. It's not happening for me and it makes me look past all the other amazing pieces of my life right now. Especially for someone who isn't even on my level and who isn't even trying to be. Good bye to all my childish fairytale dreams.
I've found myself again in the same situation of wanting what I can't have and not being able to let myself just get out while I still can. I don't know why I try for things. It's like I'm too stubborn to think that there is someone out there that doesn't want to be with me if I could just show him how happy I would make him. So now all I can o is just let it all go. This time I have to. I can't keep letting myself fall down this same downward spiral. For the sake of my forsaken heart
I want my career more than anything and that seems to be somewhat looking up, so I need to just let go of this constant need to be wanted. It's done and it's over. It's not happening for me and it makes me look past all the other amazing pieces of my life right now. Especially for someone who isn't even on my level and who isn't even trying to be. Good bye to all my childish fairytale dreams.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)