its heaven

there's something about the way i can spend every minute with you for a weekend and still feel like i wish you were still sleeping in my bed with me. he says its cute and not embarrassing but its hard for me not to get embarrassed to admit to something like that. to admit i have these feelings that have me spilling food on myself because i'm still in a completely different state of mind that has me nonfunctional. i made a mistake though. i should have just said what i wanted to say instead of trying to make it about something else. i think he might have understand, but here i was again not wanting to admit to something. i guess it wasn't so much admitting to it just saying it out loud. what i should have said was, "i think you have more feelings for me than you let yourself or me know about" but i'm starting to realize i must be completely blind.

it was funny she was in the car saying, "i told him that if he took himself out of us and saw us, he would see what everyone else sees". its funny because its true. every one around us seems to feel some kind of presence when we're together. and i'm starting to realize that i'm really starting to see it more and more. i don't know if that's a good or bad thing because the more i see i the more scared i get. because there is a chemistry, energy. and i'm afraid it could get all taken away. its funny because they say the fear is because you've put your heart in someone else's hands to trust that they won't shatter it to pieces, but if the person felt the same way about you, then isn't it a means of knowing they wouldn't break you to pieces? i might fear the potential of pain, but i've done tears, and i still found myself wanting you. if its too much than just let me know, because this is home. its something familiar that just makes sense.

so i was completely nervous to say the least. everyone always tells me i'm a parent's perfect dream, but that doesn't take away being scared that the person that means the most could not like you. at first it definitely crossed my mind, until i realized i could only do my best to be myself and hope for the best. i'm still hoping it worked because it means something to me to have a seal of approval.

but from beginning to end it was a perfect weekend. its funny because i remember him telling me, "just let him pick you up. you know you want to see each other and you've been waiting for it. i already knew 2 weeks before you got here who was going to pick you up, so stop acting like you don't know." i had to shut up after that. he always puts me in my place and calls me out on my bullshit. sometimes i really hate it but i know i really need it. because if not i might just always convince myself that no one gives a damn so i can continue to not have to look at the feelings i have. but he forces me to. he makes me realize that i need to just let myself have happy. let myself feel. because for so long its always been taken away from me. i need to be the force he described to her i am. i am. i am. i am. and so i'm going to feel. i'm going to make things happen for myself, and i'm going to let myself be this happy. have this happy. because it means so much more to me than i think i even realize. i just can't explain this at all. i try and i never seem to think i find the right words to say.

because having him be the first person i see coming home, only makes it real that i'm home. being able to spend the day together laughing and sharing makes it worth it. when i'm standing there next to you seeing something phenomenal like a jay-z concert, i realize i wouldn't want to be standing there with anyone else. it was the most i've ever kissed him because i couldn't believe how happy i was. i couldn't believe i had all these feelings and i was so happy. a complete utter kind of happy after having so many complications to have everything completely erased and genuinely extremely happy. i couldn't help but kiss and not want to stop. everything seemed almost perfect.

sometimes i wish we were a little more affectionate in public. not in an inappropriate way, but the causal normal way. but i realize it makes some sense why we aren't or can't. why he doesn't just hold my hand or kiss me more than i would like. sometimes i feel so bottled up that i just want to let it all go and grab him and kiss him the way i want to kiss him so bad. but we aren't together, and i don't know where i'm crossing a line. and i don't want to make him uncomfortable. i wish there was a cue to let me know when i can just let it go and be the way i wish we were. but there isn't and i have to just figure something out. because i know i have so much more to offer, but i don't know how much to give right now without making things something its not. i don't know what i'm trying to say i'm just trying to say...

shut it down

"hey baby, i had to mention that if i was searching for a star you would be the one i'm looking for."

it was funny that i was sitting in the car driving back to reality and it started hitting me. more than ever before. it was like i really missed him. in a different way than i have before. i don't know if its because on the regular times i know i can see him randomly. but now that i was going to be on the other side of the states it wasn't possible for that and i don't know why i felt this way. i guess i do i mean its obvious i have real feelings and i kept wondering if maybe he felt the same way. if he felt the same kind of "i really miss you" that i do. i guess i'll find out when i get back hope and as for now i can let my imagination set me free.

i'm watching the way she walks around like she only exists in her own world with no one else in sight. it almost hurts to watch the brothers and sister she never sees almost leave her completely alone. afraid that she isn't talking to them because she doesn't like them. i see the almost sadness in her eyes when they would rather come sit with me than with her. that i'm the one they want picking them up from school, and i'm the one they want to watch movies with and play video games and sleep next to. and i see the sparkle in eyes making up this complete fanatsy world in his mind that she is here for him and him alone. but i know she isn't and this is all about some ind of financial gain and i want to make things so much different for him but i can't and it almost seems worthless to try. but i do anyways. and hope for the best. because it would kill me to know his heart breaks in the same way that hers does. a heart break i know all too well

i love it here every time i come. its like taking me out of all the stuff back home. don't get me wrong i love my home. but being here with them is like being able to revitilize my soul. getting to feel this unconditional love that they give me. the look on their faces every time they see that i haven't left yet. the way they love me in this completely natural way that makes you wish you could have it every single day but knowing you appreciate it so much more because you don't. i always find that its so ironic that those that love me most are always thousands of miles away. it reminds me of when i was watching that movie and they said "i love you" and i couldn't remember the last time i heard those words and meant it. but that doesn't matter. it will come when it comes and soon enough someone will mean it and i will love it. but for now they make it all okay. they make me okay. its the fire i need to get back and put everything back together again and keep myself going.

seeing things from her perspective have made me see things from his. her situation has definitely help me to be able to see through the other side of the looking glass in my situation. it does get frustruating because its hard to understand why someone would hold themselves back from something that feels good that makes them happy. but it really just all comes back to the fear. the fear of getting hurt, being hurt, and so much more. and its frustruating because you know the person is only keeping themselves from growing and developing into some kind of happy they've been looking for. i guess its just part of the process for a pessimist. i don't like saying that because i know there is optimism in there somewhere! i guess i just like to believe there is since i am such a hopeless optimistic. but for a person that hasn't been able to be themselves it makes sense to afraid to let the real person out. but when they do i know it will be so freeing and definitely what they've been needing the whole time. but its just a process. definitely a process. and this is one of those times when i have to go soul searching just to find the patience i need to not blow up from my frustruation. but so far its been able to keep itself tame. lets just hope it can stay that way until i really know when to say when.

and i hope that when you hear these songs you think of me

if i could say it, this would probably be how i would

Seems like everyone else has a love just for them,
I don't mind, we have such a good time,
My best friend, but sometimes, well,
I wish we could be more than friends,
Tell me do you know?
Tell me do you know?
Oh..

I get so breathless, when you call my name,
I've often wondered, do you feel the same?
There's a chemistry, energy, a synchronicity
When we're all alone,
So don't tell me
You can't see
What I'm thinking of.

I can understand that you don't want to cross the line,
And you know i can't promise you things,
Will turn out fine,
But i have to be honest, I want you to be mine
Tell me do you know?
Tell me do you know?
Oh...

I get so breathless, when you call my name,
I've often wondered, do you feel the same?
There's a chemistry, energy, a synchronicity
When we're all alone,
So don't tell me
You can't see
Oh!

'Cause I've tried to do this right in your own time
I've been telling with my eyes, my heart's on fire,
Why don't you realize?
Tell me do you know?
Tell me do you know?
I get so breathless...


I really couldn't have said it much better myself. sometimes i wish i could be as eloquent in my words as music. but i do enjoy that it can speak more volumes than i can at times. but from what i've come across, not everyone understands what i'm trying to say when i tell them to pay attention to a song. because she's walking with me and asking me why i need it to be official. what could possible change? because as far as she and just about everyone else can see, it really is just without the label. but it really isn't. i wish i could say it was but it isn't. and i understand sometimes these things take time. i get that and there is probably an unbelievably good reason for taking things this way, and sometimes i think i know what it is and other times i don't. but i think when i don't its just frustration which has been kinda sneaking back up to me. but i'm good with setting it back.

and the other times when i think there is a good reason for all of this, its because i think when it finally happens if it does happen at all, i'll appreciate it in a different way i would otherwise. so when she's telling me to imagine. to take my head out of what this is now and put it into the place where things are official what would change and how would i feel? i really thought about it. i really let myself be there for a moment. and honestly...i had it.

you know that feeling inside you're chest where everything is warm and fuzzy? ya it was like that. like it just made sense. it reminded me of the last time i kissed him. it was completely harmless in no way shape or form. haha i know confusing but bare with me. usually i'm ok. we kiss and its nice and i like it and i want to keep doing it. but this time was different. i really felt something. i almost didn't want to admit it to myself because it really scares me, and its something that hasn't been there in a long time. but it was different than before. almost like my chest was caving in but not in the bad way that sounds. i'm trying to explain it and wishing i had the song to explain it with. if i could explain it in a song, it would be like sade's love is greater than pride, or the first time i saw the mars volta in concert, the feeling i got when i saw my first symphony, the feeling i get when i touch piano keys. the way it feels when i'm holding my drumsticks. its this amazing feeling that almost makes you feel like you're losing your breathe, but you feel it warm in your chest, and it almost feels like home. like i said....it scared the crap out of me.

i knew i had feelings but i didn't know i had THOSE feelings. it was like pressing the panic button. i almost wanted to pull myself away and stop because i was so scared. because it just meant. well. it just meant that i was open. i had finally let myself open to him. i've told him stuff i haven't told anyone besides her. and its got me a little freaked out i'm not going to lie. but maybe that's what i needed? and in the same respect, i think he's just as scared. and the ironic thing about that is that i think its the same level of fear. which is actually a good thing really. because it isn't one-sided, but a mutual fear that we both share with each other. i know it surprises that although we are open we still have things we hide. but that's part of the fear. eventually its going to all come out. and honestly i think i'm ready for it. even if you're not. because if this is just the tip of the iceberg of that feeling. i definitly want to find out what comes next.

i don't want my fear to dictate how i open up or how much i open up. or how much i let myself into this. whatever it might be. because when it comes down to the real stuff. when i answer the real questions on what would change if we really were together. all i can say is that it just makes sense. because it just really does. i like that i don't have to explain what i mean all the time and that even with my jumbled up words you still get it. i like that there's just a mutual understanding of things and i like that if i tell you to listen to a song you're just going to get it. that's why it makes sense. because you just get it. no explanations no excuses no complications. it just makes sense.

i guess that's why sometimes i think, you care more about me and you have more feelings for me than you let either of us believe.

standing at the edge

i was cleaning out some drawers where i keep random things today. i found all the cards he gave me. i dont know why i thought i had thrown them all away. its funny that the one i dont consider is the one i didnt throw anything away from. the one i was with for so much longer that hurt me so much more, all his stuff got put away n disappeared the very next day. but his stuff still lingers in the bag beneath my desk. but im throwing everything away now so i guess it doesnt matter anyways.

when asked why i stayed. it was a good question i didnt know how to answer at first but i thought about it. and its because he loved me. madly deeply truly loved me. in a way i hadnt been loved before. it was a complete kinda love. if i was ever asked who of my significant others i felt really loved me i would hands down say him. because he did. he really did and its what i wanted and what i thought i needed. and its hard to say, but his love blinded me for a little while on who he was until i finally really saw him away from everything he did for me. and i couldnt stand being ignored. and i did everything i could. and there is just that.

i sat there listening to the arguments, realizing i knew where my morals laid, but i would much rather just let the drama subside then continue to add fuel to the flame. n thats all i have to say about that for now.

he said it was like we were but we weren't. which i think it really is. because as he said, he's standing at the edge of the cliff and he can either jump or keep holding himself back because he doesnt think his parachute is ready for the jump. although it almost sounded like a jummbled up metaphor it made complete sense to me. and i get it. but i still had to ask..."how are you ever going to know then if you dont just jump?" fear can only allow us so much before it takes away what could be the most important, exciting, liberating, redeeming, genuine parts of ourselves.

what im trying to say is...i can only hope it doesnt take forever for ur parachute to be ready because i can only ride this ride by myself for so long before i get off knowing you just arent going to ride with me. she told me it might help to give myyself a timeline. but im realizing she is right that i'll just know when to say when. im just hoping you decide to jump before that time comes. here's to taking chances for the better and leaving fear to his own devices

objects of my affection

"and the question is, was i more alive then, than i am now? i have to happily disagree, i laugh more often now, i cry more often now. i am more free"

if i were to honestly ask myself that question i would have to completely agree. things are completely different now than they ever have been before. although i might be this person that you have to try to break open. i've never been more open then i am now for a very long time. i was broken before and it just caused me to recoil in worse than ever before. and i've been working on trying to let myself open up more. but its always this cautious event because love has always been this tainted thing for me. and the crazy thing about it all is that i've never given up my faith in it. my hope that it exists. that somewhere out there you hope for me too.

he told me i need to listen to my frustruation because its the only thing that's been fighting for me. i get what he's trying to say but in the same respect i'm not one to be a selfish person and i guess now i need to be a little more selfish because he's right. my whole life i've been shown that i'm not good enough for love, but in my heart and my mind i've always yelled that i deserve it. that i deserve to be loved. and i do damn it. haha. no but really. i'm not ready to give up on the idea love isn't as foreign to me as i think it might be sometimes and it gets so frustruating believe you and me it does but i can't just let it go. i want to believe in something bigger than myself and this is just one of those things. i'm not naive to think so. just hopeful with a side of faith. and for now. i don't see anything wrong with that.

i really don't want to get close to that point again where i'm wondering if i can still do this. i don't want to go back and forth like a game because i don't play games. i want everything to unfold naturally. and i get that feeling of fear, but i'm so tired of fear being what holds me back. i don't want to be held back because it makes me feel like i'm not completely being myself and i don't want to be that person. because how are you ever going to know me? it might take me a second after clamming up to say what i'm trying to say but don't shut it off just give me a second. because i'm really trying to subside this frustruation. because deep down i don't think i'm ready or could do it again. she told me i would know when to say when....now i'm really hoping she's right.

captain hook

I'm listneing to their arguments and i'm wondering if what they say holds some kind of truth. i honestly hope that in my case it doesn't but is this really a hook that im on? is it true to say things, like i'm special, just to keep me in arms reach of you because you enjoy what this is but you never intend to make anything official? It is hard to hear those things and not consider that i might be in the same situation. i can only look on with a smile on my face like i have no idea what is being said. only to know that in my head i feel like i've already been let down. and then all at once its like playing the song in my head, "I don't care what people say as long as you and me okay" but at the same time i can't help but think it might just be possible that you've only caught me on your hook. but i'm not afraid. its weird to say but i'm not a girl to be hooked, eventually i will figure out what is really going on and i will decide to stay or leave. i let the time before last longer than it probably should have but i'm not one for good timing. and i know you say you hope that it never reaches that point again and honestly i'm praying that it doesn't knowing the possibility that it could. i listen to everything and i try to understand, and i mostly do. and i realize trying to piece together everything and hoping you find whats best for you, but sometimes i wish i was what was best for you. and sometimes i think i really could be, but knowing right now it just isn't going to happen and from my point of view, i hope you see how i guess disappointing that could be. always hoping you really mean something to someone because the connection is something amazing, but only finding out time isn't on your side.

she told me i sounded disappointed. i realize that i didn't but i couldn't understand why. she explains and i wish she was here to tell me. i wish she was here to explain to make sense and to be here. she told me i need to tell him. i need to explain to him why i am this way. and i know i should and i know it might help clear some things up but at the same time i'm afraid. i know i can't let fear be my ruling decision maker. but i'm afraid. because to tell him would be to really let him in. its hard to explain myself and i just wish that she could talk to him and explain because some reason i think coming from me won't mean as much as coming from someone he knows really knows me. but i guess its up to me to pull that band aid. i will and it sounds stupid to say i want to wait for the right time but i'm starting to realize that doesn't matter. its better just to tell him than to keep on like i shouldn't.

i want to ride this wave with you and i'm starting to believe that i need to stop holding back because it gets so hard soemtimes. and even if i'm afraid of being on this hook, fear isn't going to help me. fear isn't going to make anything better and i'm better off just letting it all go because then i won't regret any of it. if somehow we end up on the other side of this and it turns out it just isn't going to happen for us, at least i'll be satisfied knowing i didn't hold anything back and i gave what i could.

is it so naive to hope for love? is it really so stupid to want to just let yourself go and see where it can take you? i always found it ironic that psyche and eros is my favorite greek myth. that she was so beautiful but no one wanted her but only to look at her. no one wanted to love her for her or to marry her. only for show. until he saw her. until he saw more than just her beauty, and really cared for her and loved her. and although she messed up, she was willing to give up the only thing she thought she had for him. for his love. and honestly i don't want to give up hope that somewhere this holds true some how. i've always been around for show. although i've come across love here and there. i always ended up for show. never for who i really am. and i don't want to give up thinking its out there somewhere and if that makes me some kind of fool than so be it, because at this point i'd rather hope than be bitter that love has scorned me more times than i would like to admit.

we talked about him. we talked about him and i told her something only she and him know. not something i usually tell anyone because it only brings back that thought. that memory that i had built a home and i made it with the love i had for him. only to find out when i had finished the house had no windows and no doors and i was locked inside. everyone always asks why i stayed for so long. there's more to that story than just me trying to fix the person i lost. and now i see more than ever, it was just the way things were and i had to learn.