Magic touch

There was a time I thought this never existed for me. I met you and I thought you were just like him. I immediately slammed the doors on any chances and went along my way. But then you did a nice gesture. He bailed again and you spent you last 20 just to spend some time with me. I was curious at that moment but didn't think you saw me in any particular way than as a friend. Then I initiated the conversation that was inspired by your hugs. Then you set up for the first date.

The first date was an incredible disaster when you showed up two hours late and drunk. For some reason I continued the date and to catch up, drank a pitcher of sangria and a couple Jameson and cokes. My first time blacking out and you still managed to get me to the apartment. With animal instincts to ravage what I hardly even remember, I woke up next to you and could hardly get my brain to stop fumbling in my head. In the afternoon you were gone and I wasn't expecting anything from you but you checked up on me the next day and I thought you would fade away after that. But you didn't.

I saw you and though we were with them on the train to that house party, I was nervous. We were in that house party not knowing anyone and luckily with our friends. Everyone loved you as usual and he tried to talk to me but I kept looking at you and it was like you knew. They came and I didn't care. I danced with you and drank with you and you were next to me the whole night. You kissed me a few times and despite the drunkness I was wrapped up in it. We didn't care what was happening but we kissed the whole way to your place and in perfect form we saw the morning. We spent most of the day wrapped up in each other and you slowly began to open up. I left and again didn't think I would hear from you until a week later.

It was his birthday and I knew you would be there. You texted me when you were already drunk. You saw me and the expression of happiness was not hard to hide with the influence of the liquor. You were stuck to me like glue and solidified my thoughts of you when you said you didn't want a relationship right now. I placed you back in that box and although you treated me sweetly I knew what this was in my mind. We went back to your place and like perfect pieces that fit together I was happy to wake up in your arms again. You indulged even more about yourself and I found sides of you I never knew existed. Pleasantly surprised I wanted more and somehow with a sparse amount of my luck, you gave me more. This timeout didn't think you would disappear and in a few days you were on my door step.

I cooked you dinner and we watch tv. At first we weren't all over each other but that didn't take long to change. You spent the night with me and it was perfect as always. We left and I went to work and you went home and I was excited to see you two days later.

I left you to your boys night, thinking that you had forgotten about me. But you didn't and I sweetened the deal. Within two hours you were at my door and drunk and high. I put you to bed but the look on your face was priceless and at that point it was all over. Again waking up next to you was everything I needed. And you didn't disappear.

A few days later I wasn't expecting to see you but once I tree out bowling and drinks it was a wrap. We met up and the night began. We had fun as we usually do. You treated me like I was girl and all the hugs and kisses were everything I needed. With a couple drinks we moved to the pool table and I beat you with a smile on my face. We left to your new place and of course there was only a sheet and one pillow. But that didn't stop us and it started to feel like this was turning into something more.

The next day I left and met her for brunch. I told her everything and she told me not to hate. It made me nervous that I could even think of having feelings for someone who doesn't want anything. But that all changed.

That night we met and watched the fight. You held me in your arms like I was all yours and kissed me like you didn't want to let go. Another game of bowling and we were both exhausted. I was planning to go home but you didn't want me to. We went back to your place and I walked into your room to find sheets, a comforter, and my very own pillow. Such a sweet gesture and then we talked. You told me how you like everything the way it is and you like us. I admitted to how much I like you and I know you feel the same. But it freaked me out more because I can feel something building up. We woke up and you told me next you would get me my own tooth brush.

Now with new years plans, basketball games, and future plans we've made this look promising but this has happened to me before and I was burned so bad I'm still scared. But I won't hold that against you because I really do care. There is something here and I think we both know it. I won't push and I'll leave that conversation alone for a while. But when you look at me, I see it too. And I hope you feel this because I want more of what we are.

Things are Changing

There are changes happening and I don't know which way i'm going. but if i could put the pieces of my life together i'd still have no idea where i came from. There is a loss that is so sudden in everything that i'm still trying to find myeslf on solid ground. i'm sitting in a room with the rich and famous holding glasses of liquor listening to the next big thing in the music world wondering how i got here and how does everyone know my name. All i have ever done is make a business out of words. I write my soul in the my words and give verything I have because its all I have. Its everything. They think my opinion matters. They think i'm supposed to be the press they've been hoping for. sending me gifts and he sits next to me whispering in my ear trying to gain my affections when i look into his eyes i think we both know exactly what it is he wants. he wants my words. he wants my words on paper he wants the connections he thinks i will give him. he wants what it is i won't give him. he tries to play me but doesn't realize none of it matters to me. because at the end of the night. i'm still the woman sitting in this room sitting around the main players of the game and they know my name. there is this dark shadow i find in myself. i find freedom in the little things. those little signs of light that pull me through. it isn't anyone's fault. its just i haven't quite gotten myself all the way to the place where i know none of this matters. for right now i feel a little sorry for myself because i am the oldest to have not had what they all have. and i'm here trying to the peace within myself to overcome the tragedies of my heart. and no matter how that might sound it is utterly true. he came back into my life seeming to be back to normal. but in the undertones of his voice i heard the resentments that he held on to. the things i used to say to him. when i knew i was nothing more to him than exactly what i ended up being. he wants to feel bad and deep down he does. but there is no point and he lets it slip his mind all the same. so i press delete and go about my day. he came in when he was on tour. he kept in touch every day. and for long periods of time. every day there was something new. and although i wasn't interested at first. i tend to find myself thinking "why not?" which is always my biggest form of trouble. and like magic over night the situation just fades and i'm here clicking delete. i didn't think i was his type. he seemed to always go for the high maintenance type. that was completely not me. till he asked to take me out. i knew he wasn't the good guy he effortlessly comes off as. he showed up two hours late and drunk. with apologies floating on the clouds of his alcoholic tongue, i needed to eat. so i got my free dinner. and a pitcher of sangria i am still regretting. we walked to the local bar and i almost felt like i walked into the wrong place at the wrong time. we sat in the first 30 minutes and i was already on my second jameson. never had i ever mixed wine and liquor and never will i ever mix the two again. He pulled me closer and and my mind was all a blur when he pressed his lips against mine and the room started to spin. The next thing I can remember is waking up in that bed and seeing him next to me. I didn't remember getting off that stool. grabbing my purse. walking the two blocks to the apartment. getting the keys. walking up the first flight. getting to the door. getting inside. taking off my jacket and scarf. heading to the room. getting into the bed. taking off my shirt. and everything else inbetween. i woke up and he was laying there smiling. he kissed my shoulder. he kissed my back. he pulled me in closer and i closed my eyes and let the hangover fall over me like a blanket. i had been wanting him for a while and to see him next to me, i knew i was helpless. the next day he called. he said it was game on. he was going to prove something to me. i still don't believe a single world. and pressed delete. i might be quick to walk away but with reason. don't give me the "at least he showed up" response because i'm better than that. I am ready now. and when my time comes and i'm heading in the right direction hopefully this numb feeling will die and i'll be born again. but until then, its all just a game of the heart that would be easier to play if mine was willing to put in some effort. but it seems that its decided to retire and i've decided not to change its mind. to each their own and i just can't do it anymore. i put my soul into my words and lose a little of it every day because of it. i don't regret that or resent that all. i just let it happen and it seems to be giving me the career i've always wanted. eventually i'll find peace in that. i'm almost there. i'm just finding myself at the end of the rope where the last of those feelings still linger. they are a bit stronger than i'd prefer but they are saying farewell.

In these days

I start to realize that it all builds up just to fall apart. I work on so many other things that I let my love life fall by the wayside. She always tells me it's because I just haven't found anyone worth my efforts. He turns to me and says, "I think you still love someone back home and that's why you end up not caring about any of the guys here." I don't think I still love him. At least I don't feel it. She would probably tell me it wasn't true. But at this point I just don't know ow much I care anymore.

I live the life I've always wanted. I'm meeting people I would have never thought I could meet. I'm going to the parties, the clubs, and living the life as I know I have to right now no matter how tiring it gets. I don't want to find myself slipping into anything and I have enough self control to never worry about myself. I love my career and what I do. I wouldn't change it for the world. Which is why I think I'm finally getting recognition for it. There is still so much to conquer.

She passed away the day I bought my ticket back to California for Christmas. I wanted to feel something in regards to her death but I didn't. I just didn't care. I cared about my mother and how she felt and if she was okay and I called her every day up to the funeral of her mother. The first death I wasn't there for. She was okay. She was relieved. I'm not a monster. My grand,other was just not a person I ever wanted to know because of the cruel actions and hurtful words she practiced with talent. Other mourned for her. She didn't need me to lie to her in her death.

I've watched them come and go with ease. I've watched myself build a thicker wall. And I've seen myself lose all emotional feeling to anything. I'm so numb to the touch I can't even be sad about it anymore. Constant disappointments will do that to you.

He came into the picture so smooth. Found his way into my office with a mutual friend. Sat next to me and serenaded me in front of everyone. I did not blush. I didn't even look at him. He asked me to go to the show with him. I had to go anyways for work. He picked me up in his nice car. It didn't exactly impress me. We played 21 questions. He mostly talked about himself while I looked out the window. He played his music again. Told him the truth. For some reason that made his eyes sparkle just a little more. I actually had fun with him. He tried to up the anty and ask me to be in his next music video. He tells me he wants to take me to Miami. Then he sets up our first date. He works throughout the night on a video shoot, then is out because f surgery for the last week. This would be different if I cared. He tells me our date is long past due. I tell him I already forgot what he looks like. But I guess we'll see.

The rest are all the same boys. Nothing to offer but trying like I'm supposed to give my heart away. Too bad there isn't one to give right now. They complain about my job but don't realize they will never come before my career. They don't pay my bills. My career does. Why can't they understand that?

If you don't want to be down with me, you don't want to pick from my apple tree.

Smile

You'll find that life is still worth while if you just smile.

I sat there with the words in my head. He spoke and I knew how crazy I was back then. The way I made him feel. The way I made myself feel. I wish he would have just put me out of my misery and left me alone. But he always came back and I never understood why. If He always knew it wasn't me. But the way he talks about his situation at hand reminds me of the situation I had with him. The look in his face and I recognize what I didn't see then. And I can still hear her singing"when you look at my face, you know that for me it's still real". But I'm not stuck in that life anymore. In that hopelessness I felt.

Although none of it has gotten better because there is no effort in me anymore. There is no drive to change it and I just keep finding myself mixed up in the same guys over again. He said he thought he was missing out and wanted his chance. I gave him a window of opportunity but he proved himself not able to reach it. Three times. I guess that's a strike out.

He writes so eloquently. And then I turned it over to open the envelope. He had written "be inspired" on the back. And as I pulled the letter from its place, there unfolded the most incredible love letter I could've ever read. From beginning to end it had me captivated. And I re-read it about a hundred times just so I could believe someone was capable of writing something like this to me.

He told me everything I could've wanted to hear. And for years I knew this is what he wanted to ways say. But there was never a moment because I was always moving out of his reach. But he turned everything upside down and for the very first time, I saw him. And it broke my heart because 3000 miles away and we still aren't in the right place. He knows he isn't who he needs to be for me yet. But I sit here having another one bite the dust, and I wish be was.

Time is my worst enemy.

At a loss for words

We sat there eating. Sitting across from each other. My friend I started in this business with. Her the photographer, me the writer. We're discussing our recent projects and our future ones we want to team up on. She tells me about her love life as I updated her on mine. She looks at me with this serious expression on her face and says, "did it ever hit you that we just aren't meant for love because of the careers we love so much?" I look at her and almost don't know what to say except, "all the time."

We both gave up the ideas we found so ideal to be successful. We walked through the door to one of the most exclusive clubs in New York, and we're immediately approached by people from managers to publicists to artists and musicians because they know who we are or they've heard of us and want us to work with them. We go to concert and parties we've dreamed of. We are on a name basis with musicians we've looked up to. And we are so in love with what we do. She speaks through her photography and it's brilliant. I put all of my passion in my written words. Now she sits here a photographer for Rolling Stone and I sit across from her, a writer for The Source.

She tells me the ins and outs of getting involved with guys that can't appreciate the quality we can add to their lives because we are just competition. Our success becomes their burden. And we both look at each other knowing the answer to all our questions. I wish love wasn't so taboo in my dictionary. But I guess it was the price I paid for the career and lifestyle I always dreamed of. And it's only just begun for the both of us.

Today I learned that I just don't care anymore.

And it happens like clockwork

You told me you wanted to stop. No pause. Just stop. That because of our last conversation you didn't think it was a good idea. That we're too different. And I'm almost ready to tell everyone to stop lying to me. There's obviously something wrong.

We found out we were different. But to say it was that conversation. The conversation in which I expressed my wanting for you to take me on a regular date. Where you pick where we go or what we do and you take me out. Because from what I recall I've picked where we've gone because you didn't know. Oh and I paid for my meal. But apparently me wanting you tovar least put forth a normality in our dating life rubbed you the wrong way. Good thing it wasn't officially and it didn't matter anyways.

She told me the same thing she always does. That I just haven't met the right guy. And if someone tells me one more time that I need to stop trying and let it happen my head is going to explode. Because i haven't tried for any of these guys. They always just happen to me and I wish I would try so maybe they wouldn't anymore.

God help me if I hear another guy tell me he doesn't want a relationship with me. So stop fucking wasting my time. Don't ask to go out. If you don't want to be in a relationship then leave me the fuck alone already. But I should know by now and I keep saying this over and over again. But I should've fucking known when i know good and fucking well this is what is just the case for me.

Work work and more work. That's all I have to think about now. That's all I want to think about now. That's where all my energy will be from here on out. Fuck all the rest of it.

And fuck you for getting me here.

Why don't you come on over?

Having this moment when I'm feeling like I'm by myself in an apartment with 2 other roommates. I get I haven't been here for a while because of all the traveling but I honestly feel like I live alone. I cleaned the whole apartment and nothing. It's making me want to leave but it's a good apartment and really what does it matter?

It was like a car going out of control.it drove off the side of the road and there was nothing in could do about it because I wasn't driving and I wasn't doing anything to cause this wild ride. Get over yourself. I'm sorry if you don't know how to handle your feelings hit you should grow a pair and own up to them. You have feelings for him. He told you he wants to be in a relationship with me when you know that's never going to happen and yet you want to end our friendship? At least I know the truth now and just how much you valued our friendship.

I want it to come naturally and some times it does. But other times I feel shy. Not in a I want to do this but I'm too shy kinda way. Hut almost like an, I don't really know how much I care kind. Of way. Tomorrow he has a surprise planned so maybe seeing him will change things. Until then I'm still having a weird time coming around to the idea.

Yesterday the final copy was laying right next to me and I got a glimpse of the cover and almost wanted to cry hit didn't because I was in the office. One more week.

And you're trying to find a revelation

Some kind of resolution


We landed back home after a week of being so far away from everything. He was there waiting for us. Waiting for me. And the expression on his face only told me he couldn't wait much longer. He dropped her off at his place and then took me home. He stood me on the sidewalk as he explained my birthday present. To my surprise it was a root beer that I had been looking for for five years. My favorite one I couldn't find anywhere. And he found it along with four other cases of root beer. He walked me home with bags of root beer to fill my refrigerator. He told me to unpack and take a shower while he went to get us food.

We laid there taking as you revealed your history. I gave you some insight into mine. I felt it necessary to explain why I'm so standoffish to him. Why it might seem like I'm so cold. Why I am not quick to respond to the emotions because my heart has been evokes so many times in the exact same way.

He pulled me closer to him and kissed my shoulder till he reached my face. At first I thought I felt something. It was there deep down hiding but it went away so quickly I almost thought I had been fooled. He brings it out of me so gradually because I realize how much I want his attention. He kissed me like he wanted me and I got caught up in the lust of it all. In the midst of the scent of flesh I had to stop him. I didn't trust it. I didn't trust myself in it. And I had to pull away because there was an insecurity there. He didn't complain or object but only kissed me more and said he would go.

Everyone I told about him tells me how sweet he is. How much of a keeper he is. And the fact that he's a triathelete with his amazing photoshopped looking body has to make me want him. But with all those things I still find myself making baby steps. And she understands. She told me it makes total sense why I proceed with caution.

And he's there whispering in my ear with all his youth and longing. The other one that wants everything about me. He can't stop telling me how much he wants me. How he wants to marry me. How he can't stop thinking about me and he's falling for me all over again. Because that story is on repeat from last year. And the fact I know what kind of guy he is I dropped him and he found her and still is attached to her. They tell me not to ruin what I have with prince charming for the piped piper and I won't. Because there are childish truth behind his youthful lies. And he can try to woo me in as many ways as he sees fit but at the end of the day, he doesn't have a fighting chance.

So I keep my eyes open because I don't know of im willing to myself through any of it. Because I don't know how much I want the prince in his Adonis looking body standing in front of me despite all of his perfections.

Heartbreak hotel

Laying here listening to you tell me you fell in love back then. You still think about me now. You want me to come and be where you are. And I want to run so far away. Being thousands of miles away. And there is a feeling that has left my bones.

I'm laying in a bed in puerto rico and I wish I didn't have to leave. I want to lay here forever and forget all these memories. You texted and said happy birthday and j almost hoped you had forgot. I realized I'm still angry and hurt because I know you don't care. J don't even want to tell you details because in too afraid to let you in. And you still don't get it and you still don't care.

I had moments this week I almost forgot we're possible. Complete relaxation and happiness because I was so far from everything and everyone and so at peace with myself after everything. After all of this. I got what j wanted in my birthday and I found it on a beach in San Juan.

I wish I could find a wag to bring that feeling back. But it's left me here and it doesn't seem like its coming back. So I'll keep the peace I found in me and let go of the idea it might come back to me.

Peace is finding a warmth in the moments I'll never forget.

Birthday wishes

For birthday kisses.

Landed in Puerto Rico yesterday. Finally feeling like its a vacation with sun, pool, tans, good food, sight seeing, and liquor.

My birthday is in two hours and I almost don't care. I'm having fun and I love it. And things have been so good for me work wise. As of next month my career is going to take an amazing leap forward.

He wants me and I can see it in my eyes but and a part of me wants to open up to him but I just can't right now. I feel myself too numb. But when he kissed my shoulder I almost felt something. And when he was asking me about my heart break I could t tell him. He's a lot of what I need buy missing things I want. So I feel myself letting go and tonight I dance it all away. Like I always do.

You don't even remember my name anymore and that is just something j have to get used to. I guess starting now.

Sunshine

Nas said, "Can't Forget About You" and I could hear classics running through my head. Trying to find the moment. The moment when you feel it all inside and the ice starts to melt and colors start to show.

I remember when I used to feel something about it. Now I tell people parts of my story and they start to shed tears of tragedy and I wish I had kept it all to myself. She looks at me and asks, "how do you even handle half the things you go through?" and I feel like an alien on my own.

She called and it made me feel human again. She speaks my language and I feel like I'm not such a stranger. We both serve as an encouraging reassurance for each other. She Knows me better than anyone which is why she's my person. She the only one. She's been the only consistent person in my life that wasn't my grandparents. I know it's nearly impossible to find anyone close to her but maybe it's just better that way.

I say this every year but i think I've finalized my opinions on the matter with this year. I give up on my birthday. It is officially cursed. I can literally go back to each birthday as far back as I can remember and name something that has done enough to ruin it. I have to deal with my heart in pieces, finding out I can never have kids, and I might have to go through all of this again?! Even if it's a week before my birthday it's before my birthday which means it just pours into it and even if I try my best for it not to, it just doesn't change anything. I'm hoping it will get better when I get out of here. But I want to believe you'll still think of me on that day. Wow...really?

I thought about her all day yesterday. It was like I could feel her in my soul and I knew I need to call. I got home walked into my room and she was calling me. I sole to her completely in Spanish. Just the sound of her voice brought me back to a place where I felt utterly comfortable. It was like finding a warm place to relax within myself. I would have done anything in that moment to hug her and thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes. I depend on her for my humanity. I don't feel numb when she talks to me and it feels so real. Forever will I ever love my grandmother.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. And I'm still holding on.

"you're giving me the coldest stare like you don't even know I'm here."

There's this part of me. This completely incredible part of me that I know can give so much. Can offer so much. And I feel it dying. I feel it slipping away from me. Like its so tired of giving it away to only be rejected every time. And it's slipping from my fingers and I can't grab it anymore. It almost hurts more to even notice it was there. And that it all was wasted. Totally wasted. On people who didn't even care. And now he's telling me he wants me to be his girlfriend and he doesn't even really know me while the other one is planning incredible dates and impeccable surprises and none of it phases me. Because that part of me that cared. That part of me that gave a shit and want to give you so much, died and left me here not trusting any word they say.

They lost before they got past hello. And I know it's not their fault and it has nothing to do with them. And I've heard the whole thing about not letting your past ruin your future. But my past was a history lesson. A lesson of building tougher skin. I haven't begun picking up the pieces of my heart let alone assembling what's left of it. U don't know how and I don't know if I want to. I know it would take me by myself a while to fix what's been broken and I don't know how much I have in me at this point in time to do it.

It's like a hurricane and I'm so heavy in your arms and I still feel your skin and the pain in my veins has me longing for someone else's touch. Just do I can give it all up. But at the end of the day is rather just be alone reminiscing over the one that got away. The woman I used to be. The spirit that ran this body so wild and free. Content with the way you smelled on top of me. Fingers twisting my hair and the taste of the way it felt. But the sweat and tears couldn't replace the sound of your guilt. And I'm wrapped up in miserable dreams of nonexistent ideals. Surrender.

Light it up

And set fire to everything I want and can't have.

Today she called me. She had a long drive ahead of her and we've always had a free range of conversations. Years of a friendship I will constantly cherish even at 3000 miles away. She asked me what what was new and it all came out. She told me she is so proud of me and all my hard work. That I came out here to get things done and I am. And even though it's always worked for me that my career does well when I have virtually no love life, that it's better that way. That in my hometown they see me as a success. And I guess there is always a price that comes with it.

I went in and already knew they had no idea what they were doing. And I know these are things I need to take care of right away but as of right now it will have to wait till next week. He already told me the possibilities of children is not likely for me. Happy birthday to me. When I told her all she could do was cry. I knew she always hoped I would have the option but she doesn't realize that I still do. I adopted them for a reason and they will always be a part of me. I guess I'll find out the rest next week.

She wanted me to give him a chance and he did too. I went without any intention of caring. He sat across from me and we talked over crepes. For someone my age, intellectual, and interesting, I am still just so numb. I just can't trust anyone anymore. Well when it comes to my love life. I feel like there's a scar that runs so deep it can't heal because I keep getting cut in the same spot. So dramatic I know but whatever. Who cares?

He walked with me and I knew I had intrigued him. He saw what they all see and all it made me want to do is crawl back into my shell and hope he couldn't see me. No matter how much I hope he's genuinely as sweet as he makes himself out to be, at the end of the day I still don't trust it.

I feel like my heart might really be turning to ice. I had looked down and realized he had texted me. I read it and felt no sympathy. If this was the old me, I would have texted back "so now you care about how I feel?" but I'm too old for all that drama. And the damage has been done. So I press delete and go on with my day. Because why would I reply to open myself up more when we both know you already proved me a fool for doing that in the first place? I have hopeless hopes one day you'll mean it. But holding on is what makes me so numb to it all anyways.

"I just need you one more time. I can't get what we had out of my mind. But it seems we're going nowhere fast."

Until the next day came around and he comes to pick us up with our friends to takes us to a party. With no intention of doing anything else but giving us a ride so we didn't have to take the train. He kisses my cheek and tells me how beautiful I am and gets back into the car and drives off. They give me a look and I know what it means and we walk into the party.

He comes up to me standing over me at 6'2" and asks my name and if he can call me sometime. There are countless characteristics that have made up my mind that I don't want anything to do with him. But we're at his party at his house. He points at his Lexus, he pulls out his red motorcycle. And I could really give a shit as the other girls look at me like "why her?" he fiends for my attention but my attention is on dancing this feeling away. We are about to catch a cab until he says "let me take you home on my bike". She looks at me and the next thing I know we're on the back of two motorcycles in short shorts and I miss the feeling. That feeling of freedom and peace I always find when I'm on a motorcycle. With fireworks going off in the sky, I forget everything else around me and before I know it's over. He wants more from me but I never gave him anything to begin with and walk away.

And I don't even feel sorry for myself. Because then he turns around and says "You have a new piece in the next issue." and I'm back to reality. That none of you could be more important than my work. You are a carbon copy of all the rest of them. And that was the worst part. You knew that. You knew everything. And you never had an intention of sparing me.

" you had a good game. I must admit. I used to hang on to your every word...but I've heard it all before"

I just don't have it in me anymore and you don't have it in you to change. You said if I didn't believe people could change it was because I didn't believe in them. But you didn't give me anything to believe in and now it just hurts.

And I've never asked for too much

But it always seems like the impossible. I went on my day like i was wearing my heart on my face and everyone could see.

I woke up and realized it felt like I was leaving my body. I left myself sitting there. Realizing he knew the truth all along and didn't tell me. He knowingly hurt me. And I only say this because he knew the bullshit he was pulling and didn't stop it. He knew he would hurt me. But he saved it for now? You save it for after I'd believed you cared to tell me there was someone else the whole time?

And here's the thing. There is a difference between going out and having fun and actually seeing someone. And you have been seeing someone. And I've been here thinking something completely different because you let me. You knew what I had been through but you let it happen all over again and for what? What did you gain from all of this? What were you hoping to prove? Because all you did was show me I should have never opened up at all. I am the fool.

And you can pretend I'm not but I was the fool who believed in you and we both know that's true. You could've spared me but you told me things that made me believe I should keep on. You should have let me go. I didn't deserve all of this and Fuck it hurts so fucking bad. Because you told me they were wrong but you proved them all right. And it's so fucking hurtful.

And I don't even think you're sorry. I really dont. I feel like it didn't matter to you at all because if it did you wouldn't have done this to me being completely knowledgeable of my past. I can't come back from this. I don't give up. I'm just accepting it and letting go.

I knew that life was never for me and I should have just accepted it then and let it all go. If I wasn't cold enough before with my emotions it's all gone to shit now. And you have no idea how this feels and I still wouldn't fucking wish it upon you.

I made the appointment today. Tuesday I will know the truth. And I will deal with what comes. I'm taking myself, by myself, I will leave by myself and I will go to work like it didn't happen. I will go to the event like I didn't see anything. And then I will work the next day like it was all a dream. And I will deal with it when the next appointment is made for the next week.because I already know. And everything else that is happening leading up to it is just proving it. A serious of terrible events.

He came in to see me today. He said he wanted to see me again. He's been wanting my attention but I've been hardly there and now he's just too late. I'm so far gone I wouldn't know how to get back from here. My night was supposed to be filled with the parties, the drinks, the lights, the music. And I probably needed all of it, but I couldn't tonight. It might have been a mistake but it can wait till tomorrow.

Breaking it up, it's already gone.

Chances, changes, moments

I hate to love those moments I can't seem to get myself out of. What were we hoping for to happen? I can only assume you believed we could reestablish a friendship you think has been lost. I honestly had no intentions. I showed up with no expectations. What I wasn't expecting was tears.

I know what your words mean. I know what you say when you say it. But maybe that was just it. With everything you said, I could feel me falling even deeper into myself. I was wishing there was some blanket j could just pull over my head so you couldn't see me anymore. I realized I had opened up myself to someone in such a way and knowing you couldn't see me. I'm still well aware of it all. It plays out like
E some cheesy sad romantic movie in my mind. And all I keep thinking is. "what is my fucking issue?" because I clearly have one. I haven't cried like that ever in a public place. And all I wanted to do was disappear.

It only sent me back to ground zero when you said it was how we started. How relevant is that anymore? If everything changed? If you know I'm so different but you treat me all the same. I'm supposed to be so disposable? I guess I can't blame you. Maybe I can't see myself from the outside looking in to know the difference but there has to be something because you aren't the only one.

You aren't the only one that has said and done these things. And you might think that I don't believe people can change because I don't have enough faith. But where is the faith? Where do I put the little I have left when everything point to the same disappointment? I know I have to learn to deal with the fact it's not in the cards for me. But this is all part of me getting there.

There is no blame in you just confirmation of what I guess I've always known. I need to just keep everything in how. Because there is no longer a foot to shoot when it's been completely demolished.

Faithful heart you are what I feel most sad for. So utterly blind to history repeating and yet you still hold on. You still think he'll still show up next thursday. You think he would never forget you on your birthday. But you tend to be unaware that his heart has already forgotten you because it never knew you.

Yet again, oh love oh love stop making a fool of me. At this point is rather just be alone.

And when I always knew

I wake up knowing I'm in the midst of a moment in my life when nothing is going my way and I have to make the most of it all.

It was like more bad news after the next. The first one I didn't care about because I was never close to her and she was no better than her sister. But then he called and told me they talked. He found where he was and for the 45 minutes they talked he had cried for 35 minutes of the conversation. I would to if I found out where the son I hadn't heard of or seen for 5 years was now a phone call away. Unfortunately he solidified her lies. It is possible it might not be him and someone else. And that is something I fear because I cant do it to this boy. He is so much of me and I can't let him hurt anymore than he already has. But I know I can only protect him so much from her vicious truths.

I know I can read too much into things sometimes. But something woke me up and I saw his text then I wasted time and saw his tweets. I told myself they had nothing to do with me but a part of me wanted to believe they did. But then I feel like my heart is back to its old tricks. I can't let myself get so wrapped up that way. And I couldn't even really tell you why I do. And here I was thinking I would give him some space instead I'm texting him all day about things I didn't even really want to tell him but he just brings it out of me. He says he knows how I feel or he can relate to what I'm going through. And I appreciate that he thinks he does but he has no idea. He has no inclination of what this is and what it feels like. And I wouldn't want to wish it on him anyways.

Lover to lover, how can you still know me but not know me at all? How can you see me so clearly but be so blind to us?

Losing my religion

I felt it all over again. It was all over me and sticking to my skin like a bad tattoo I couldn't shake it. I couldn't let go of the feeling. I wanted to do bad because I've been here before. I've heard all the words you said and I think to myself "is it really all worth it?" but it really isn't. So I don't tell you that my feelings are gone. I don't feel anything that way anymore. For now you can believe what you want because I don't feel like saying it out loud until you ever ask. Because I cant hide anything from you.

It's not you that hurts me. Its my own heart and stubbornness that does his to me. So I will hardly be here but still ever present in it.

I was there knowing there was something. It was like a 6th sense that I could feel. I could hear it like a voice in my head that I wasn't going to be so lucky. When he looked up at me and told me it had never fully healed I felt a pain in my side. He pressed down when he felt the lump. He looked at me with such a serious concern on his face while she smiled trying to be so reassuring. And all I could think of is, "I can't leave them."

I know the percentages of a second time. I know the risks and the struggle. I know it's a fight and I know I can't say anything till I get the results and again I'm playing another waiting game. It just seems unfair that if I'm not meant for love couldn't I at least have a clean bill of health?

Because I don't have him to hold my hand. I don't have him to kiss my head and tell me it's going to be okay and sometimes having to do this alone makes it so much harder. But if I did with him hating me for it. I can do it by myself. I don't really have a choice this time.

All that day I didn't talk about it. I walked around with the news over my head trying to pretend it wasn't raining down on me. I did pretty well distracting myself. But I didn't want to tell her while she's overseas. I couldn't tell him because he would be too worried and I couldn't tell them because they just never know how to react. He was the next best thing. And my only option. He was there when I needed him. At the oddest hours of the night worried why I would be needing him to call after not talking for a week.

I told him and he gave me the response I knew he would. I just needed to talk about it and he was the only one I trusted for that in that very moment. He talked to me like nothing had happened. We spoke like we had never stopped taking for 7 days. And it almost made me feel like he didn't care. Like he was only able to talk to me like I had been there the whole time because it didn't matter if I was gone or not. But of course that's my dramatics playing tricks on me. As soon as he said he would always be here for me, I knew.

I can't make choices so drastic sometimes. I've come to realize more than ever now that I'm never going to know just how much more time I have and I need to take advantage of the time I have now. Whether it breaks my heart or not at least I would've lived my life fully. Whether he's here standing next to me or not. He was always the one I called.

And when I find myself at the edge of the line

Do I cross it?

I just want to say "and when you're not the only one not giving a fuck, don't be surprised." because I've been here before. I feel like I'm rereading a story I know the ending too. Nothing has changed because you don't care for it to. You might care about me to an extent but it really isn't enough to keep me here at this moment.

And don't gets wrong. I don't want to. I don't want to turn my back on you. I don't want to disappear. But it's what I have to do because I can't do this to myself again. I know what comes next and it's not a story I'm willing to relive.

Because I'm always going to lose. I'm going to be the one that gets hurt. I'm the one that's going to have to hear that you're happy with someone else that isn't me soon after. That is the role that I play out.

"won't you come over? Stop making a fool out of me."

So when I say the words and you think you understand. You think that it had to happen. And you're disappointed to lose me as a friend just know that love was always a losing game for me. I can't win. And it's not to take it out on you. It's jot to punish you. But it's just to save what I have left of this heart. Because it barely holds on as is. And I'm not going to fill it with the same hopeful faith I once did. Only to have it all torn apart because you weren't ready for me. I shouldn't have to pay that price and neither should you.

So when the cards are on the table and you see me disappear in front of your eyes. I think we both know it was bound to happen. It never made any sense why we couldn't happen but then again it never does. It's just something that is and always was.

I'll keep you close to my thoughts of treasured things. But that's as close as I can let you get. Because that's as close as i could ever get to you.

You don't have to worry

Because I'm coming back to where I should have always stayed.

We spent the day as I expected we would. And it was great as it usually is. Until that moment. And I didn't want to say it. I really didn't. But he was there trying to solve the problem or give me the solutions and comfort me but all I could think was "the problem can't be the one laying here trying to give me the solution."

And when I said it outloud. When I brought it to his attention. I wish I could take back that look on his face. That moment when his expression showed how much he hated himself at that exact point in time.

And at that same moment I just couldn't fight it. I couldn't do it again knowing I would only get the same results. Knowing that he's never going to really want me. Knowing that I'm never going to be his. Knowing that he would only break my heart again in the exact same way it was before. And I will be damned if I go through that again. So I sat there next to him telling the truth when I said no matter what happened I would never change once I walked out that door.

But once I did. He believed everything had changed. No matter how deep or real the connection, it was never going to be enough for him and no matter how heartbreaking that might be, I don't have the fight in me anymore to think I can change that.

I can never force him into anything and he knows that. And even though I have no idea how this happened. I still can't control it and I don't want to. He can't tell me why. And it makes no sense. But it's just the way it is and as of right now I don't know what to do about it or where to go from here. It would be easy if I could just give up on people. I don't have a quitters attitude.

So I go through my day hoping he's ok. Wanting to know if he's healing and feeling better. But I have to stop myself and know it's not me he's thinking about. And when I was sitting there looking away from him every time I felt the tears coming because I knew this is my fate. To always be so close to the possibilities of love but never in arms reach. And it isn't his fault or mine. It's just the way it is.

Ready or not

Finding myself ready for a life that just isn't ready for me.

I need to throw myself back into my work and a part of me has and I know once Thursday has come around I will. And I've got so many great opportunities coming up. I just hope they play out in a way that puts me where I want to be.

He tells me stories of the girl he wishes could've been what he needed and we start to swap stories but I realize he's still carrying it on his back and I've left it so far away but find traces of it in my present.

He tells me the truth and I know it is. But we've laid there for 10 hours talking and I can't help but wonder why he doesn't see what I do. Or maybe he does and just refuses to want anything to do with it. And its an all too familiar taste in my mouth so my first instinct is to take my space because I can't go through all that again. And again. And again. But then he texts. And then he calls. And then he drunk texts. And drunk calls.

Why come after me that way if you don't want me? Why do they do this to me. Just to keep me around for convenience but it's not like that anymore. Because now I just want to run completely in the opposite direction. So I will because we both and I know I'm never going to be yours and you could never be mine .

He acts like a toddler throwing a tantrum every time I'm around. I have no reaction to him anymore than a sad shake of the head for someone so pathetic in their actions and words. It is just sad.

My past keeps coming to finding me but parts of my past I thought were gone. It's funny how things work that way sometimes.

Your wrongs don't change my rights.

When one door closes, a window opens. I want those words to be true so bad. I keep feeling like I find myself hitting a wall of unfulfilled promises. Just when things start looking up and things start looking like they have the chance to work out in such a great way, they take a twist. And why? Because I met someone. Everything was fine and going uphill when I was alone as it always go. And then love looks like a possibility and I'm back to square one.

He wanted to act like an episode of days of our lives, so I let it go and then he just starting throwing tantrums like a child. At that point I really just turned the other cheek. He noticed the obvious attraction between us and his jealousy sounded off like an alarm.

I pin pointed exactly the kind of guy he is right now. Although he is still young, the mommy issues have created him into the kind of guy that won't let himself enter a possibility of interest or any deep kind of liking so he doesn't have to show those feelings. He keeps himself at arms distance to keep some sort of control. I wanted to tell him How much I know that feeling but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. So I decided to befriend him in the best possible way. I guess I just like pain. But then I decided to give him the space he wanted and after he realized what I was doing, that's when I get the hello. And I know exactly what it means. And yet I don't know what to do.

We were there in the heat, the lights, the smoke, the drinks, the loud music, and the people. Somewhere in a club in Miami he felt what love at first sight had to offer. But it was lust at first sight for me. He came over and introduced himself. We talked and we danced. Turns out he was more than I bargained for . And before I could realize where this was going, he was picking me up in his BMW from the airport. He's telling me because he's older he is tired of messing around and wants something more serious. I'm still puzzled if I want the same. I'm ready for it and although i like him, I still have too much of a wall up. He says he wants to give me everything I want and more. He wants to make me something important in his world. As soon as they words fall from his mouth, I lose too much in a span of 2 days.

I have a lot of work to make up to even think of letting him in just get. Time will tell. But like I said, I've realized I can only have either my career or love. I'm not meant to have both. And I will always choose my career.

My heart will just have to deal.

Volumes

Starting back at zero. Hoping for opportunities. I hate waiting periods. I'd rather know right now whether this path is going to start or not. But here's to hoping for the best.

You drop off the face of the earth. Text me out of no where and then freak out because I didnt respond in 3 minutes and still expect a response? Definitely not happening. Good riddance.

He tells me he can prove he's a man. He talks a lot of game expecting me to be fooled. I can understand there's a significant point of concentration. So I won't put forth the effort. But he touches me like he knows he can. He holds me like he wants. He kisses the back of my neck like he knows exactly the right spot. And although I'm not entirely impressed and already assume this is over before it even began. I still like the way he made me feel. I want to tell him to touch my skin one more time. But I know it would only be the beginning of something just like the rest. My faith has diminished significantly and I just don't have it in me to even try anymore. So when I don't get the text or the call but a like here and there and the attention when he sees me, I only smile because I just don't care.

She told me it's all new for her. She is starting over from scratch. She's asking me how to go about this kind of life and I couldn't tell her the first thing.

Delete. Delete. Delete.

You know that moment when you realize you've become someone you didn't want to be? I'm realizing this all right now and only because I watched some stupid sitcom show. How easy it is to find out how stupid you've been?

He said he didn't want her to be the girl that comes over to have sex and then leave because he wanted more from her. He just wanted to spend time with her and know she would be there next to him when he woke up in the morning.

Once upon a time that was us. And it was you next to me. But now I get shirt visits for one thing and hardly a word in-between. You send me a picture telling me you're thinking of me while you're away and at first I smile and hope it's true until I realize... I wonder how many other girls you sent this to.

What a horrible place to let myself go. But at the end of the day, I'm tired of your shit. Actually, I'm tired of this shot. This has been on my mind for a while. And I just want it to be you and me the way we used to be but I don't think you know how to get back there when you always play the victim.

Anything I say you act too sensitive to and I'm back to square one. I'm no cheap thrill. I come for real every time. And apps felty that's always too much to handle. Because I'm not going to sugar coat and I'm not going to kiss your ass and I'm not going to let you treat me like I'm some play thing.

I want to believe I mean something to you. I want to believe in the words you say when you say I have your heart. But when I know what's really there, I know it's all the words that keep slipping from my hand.

He told me he feels himself getting colder. I told him to run as far as he can in the opposite direction because I had already reached the point of frost bite. And it has to be the worst feeling. This incredible feeling of indifference. To stop feeling pain or happiness with someone and to feel none of it matters anymore. Because nothing you do will ever change the way he looks at you.

You dont see me anymore. And my heart is quiet.

Hold on

It's funny the way she always insists on telling me I have to go through the frogs to find the prince. That there is someone out there exactly for me and he's trying to get here as fast as he can but he just hasn't gotten here and it's only a matter of time before he does. But what if I just don't care anymore?

I'm tired of even considering the possibilities. And the completely tragic thing about that is that I used to be such an optimistic person about it. I had such hope and unwiltering faith. But it took one serious heartbreak and a half a dozen knocks over the head to become a person who just doesn't care anymore. And I'm not sure how willing I am to change that at the moment.

And now working and making my career into something it should be and being a mother to kids that aren't mine have even further pushed my heart down the rabbit hole. They look at me with these eyes of longing. They have questions I can't answer because they are too young to know the truths of their situation. I can only shower them with the love I always have. And hope they remember that they were lived when they get old enough to know.

It doesn't even feel like there's something missing anymore. It's like I've stopped noticing the big hole in my chest. And I'm okay with that. I've let go of all the options that were finding themselves around me. They still try to contact me like I'm supposed to respond out of necessity. I keep dealing with needy and emotional hearts I don't have time to coddle. If my standards can't be met then I can't waste my time.

If I don't care I'm a birch and if I do care I've gone too far. So it's better to just take myself out of the equation all together at this point. Traveling, working, and living my life with this freedom is all I could possibly ask for right now. And just be happy. In fact, just be.

Swim good

I can feel the anger just come over me. I can feel it over. It's like a wave that's drowning me. I feel like I want to jump out of my skin just to save myself. If you didn't give a fuck about me you should've left me alone. You are the bad guy. You are the one that fucked shit up. You are the one that got caught. Just accept it. Accept that it was you that wanted to be a player. Accept that it was you that wanted something that wasn't with me. Because that was you and you were that guy.

You want me to be dead to you then your wish about to be granted. And I'll never speak to you again after this moment. You won't mean a thing to me. You want to know what hurt feels like. Yu have no idea where it starts. You have no idea what it feels like to sit here knowing you won't come to see me but you can go to someone else.

You wanted to make me the fooling when you were acting foolish all along.

Comfortable

Dont ever get too comfortable.

I woke up today like almost none of it had happened. That you hadn't yet again tried to make me the bad guy because I wanted out of a situation that was hurting me. A situation that wasn't making me happy. Why were you so surprised? I gave you exactly what you asked for if that's the kind of guy you wanted to be. You got almost exactly what you wanted from me except the career booster you were hoping for.

I got out of bed like it never happened. Like you hadn't told me you didn't want anything to do with me. That you hadnt told me you didn't want to speak to me anymore because you didn't want me to say hello with a smile on my face being happy while you were sad. I didn't feel like you had told me you were shedding tears heart broken and sad, when I knew it wasn't true. You were just mad I wasn't going to let you use me anymore.

And then I turned and saw your hat. I told you I would give it back. You of course didn't want to take the chance of seeing me so soon. But then have the gall to send me pictures of your new tattoo telling me there is a difference between sending me pictures and speaking to me. Where? Where is the difference? Because both are just your sad attempts to get me to speak to you. Today it worked because I felt bad. Tomorrow and for the days after, you will not be so fortunate.

He told me "he couldn't be a man to your face but proved to be a bitch via Text." truth.

But everything changes again tomorrow. Working on furthering my future. Writing my life away because it's my true love. It's what takes me away from the life I've grown so numb to. And because of that, I find a passion that's undeniable because some how there is always someone wanting to read it. I can't stop now andi need to keep pushing for more. So much more.

Love t.k.o.

And it's tragic. But I almost don't care at this point. The attitude when you talk, the look on your face when you see me. I'm just over it. I dont care to feel like this anymore so I won't. Letting it go so I can grow. I don't need to be made out to feel like a stupid bitch anymore. Because it's so obvious you dont care and not even you can tell me that's not true. So lights out I'm knocked out. Oh love oh love, stop making a fool of me.

Round 3

I like to think I go through pain to get to something good. I have yet to find the good. But can it make it's way here? I mean even just a taste?

I feel like no matter what I do I'm made to lose. You want to make me the bad guy. Like im the crazy one. Like I'm the one that's done something wrong so you don't have to look at yourself. So you don't have to realize how much of an asshole you're really being. Instead you tell me I'm the drama. You think I'm crazy. When it is so black and white that I haven't done anything at all. All I ever did was show you I care and really make you the only one. Even when I didn't want to. I made it about you. But you couldn't make it about me.

You made me believe you had. You keep trying to make me believe that it just can't be true. But it is hard to deny a truth I read with my own eyes. I was never the only one. And that isn't even the part that hurts. It's the fact that even after everything else, you still just can't be honest with me. And yet I'm not surprised.

So maybe I am the crazy one. Because I believed you. And the worst part about it? You know im right. And the part that kills me the most ? You weren't the first one to do this to me. The difference between now and then? I wasn't in love with you. At least being in love has left my body.

Because now all I feel is this all encompassing numb feeling I almost missed.

I need her so bad right now. And now I'm the one in NY and she's in CA. I miss my person. 3 more weeks.

Round two

I put too much hope into the wrong places and then wonder how I got there. But I'm giving it all up now. I'm embracing the numb feeling and just letting go. Just let go.

I can't give up on myself and eventually hopefully this will all make sense. Although right now it just doesn't. I dont get how I end up being the girl they always sleep on. I'm never enough and they always need more than me. And i feel this pain in my chest and my stomach starts to hurt. But at this point it's like magic. All an illusion I could only believe is real. But it never is.

He looks at me. In the eyes. And tells me one thing while I go and read something that makes him look like a liar. Somehow I end up being the bad guy because I made him feel like shit about it. And yet I'm stuck with the hurt feelings like I did something wrong. When I was the honest one.

I knew it all along. And really there isn't anything to say or do but accept the pain i know all too well. I wasn't meant for love and it wasn't meant for me. He's been right all my life. It was never meant for me. I keep trying to fight it but I think now I'm finally letting it all go. I cant keep helping the ones that only want something from me. I'm done with it all. I'm over it all.

I just don't care anymore .

Round and round

I keep looking for all the right things in all the wrong places.

I've found myself again in the same situation of wanting what I can't have and not being able to let myself just get out while I still can. I don't know why I try for things. It's like I'm too stubborn to think that there is someone out there that doesn't want to be with me if I could just show him how happy I would make him. So now all I can o is just let it all go. This time I have to. I can't keep letting myself fall down this same downward spiral. For the sake of my forsaken heart

I want my career more than anything and that seems to be somewhat looking up, so I need to just let go of this constant need to be wanted. It's done and it's over. It's not happening for me and it makes me look past all the other amazing pieces of my life right now. Especially for someone who isn't even on my level and who isn't even trying to be. Good bye to all my childish fairytale dreams.

Inbetween days

I want to to give it all up and start from zero. I thought everything was great. You took me to meet your family and you met mine. But then I started realizing the sacrifices I was making so that we could do what you wanted. Although you shower me with the luxury most girls dream of, it almost feels like a trap. For someone who can't even really tell me how they feel. You show me pretty well but it's not enough to even really know for sure. Your humor is obnoxious and I want the feelings and emotions that have me feeling like you're too cold to touch.

But then he tells me I probably don't feel anything because there is a hard piece of coal where my heart is supposed to be. I know he says this because he's fallen so hard for my affections. He wants to be my everything while knowing there is someone else. He knows you have the advantage with all the things you can offer but he doesn't know he is winning in The emotions. He tells me every day how much I mean to him, calling me his queen and I know that's the role he's casted me in.

he makes jokes about me being his future wife when he knows you have more of a chance then he does. But at the end of the day i feel like you both lose. He's right when he says it just sounds like I haven't found the one. trying to choose between two guys. Two complete opposites and if i could combine them I'd probably have exactly who I want. Unfortunately life doesn't work that way. So for now I go on not really giving a fuck. Cause to be quite honest, I don't.

My career is about to hit a major level and that's where my focus needs to be. My heart can stay as cold as it needs to as long as I don't lose sight of why I'm here and what I've been working so long for. Because I know what this is all worth and what I'm doing it for. It isn't about just me anymore. Three kids and your whole life changes. No regrets, I wouldn't change anything. I would take them all over again and again and again to see them happy. I don't need a fairytale love story for a dude I half hazardly adore because they love me more than anyone else could.