if music is the food of love, play on

whether i'm right or wrong, i believe that in you some where at some time, loved me. you really loved me. whether you still do or not, sometimes i wish it wasn't so easy to love you back. but its like the more i want to hold back the more i can't. he said "i bet if i give all my love, then nothing's going to tear us apart." i would love to believe that's true. and so i will from now until then. hoping that maybe something will change. because here i am swearing this is a love that's true. and i know you have to believe that too.

100

trying to keep myself me. i'm looking for questions to my frustruations and i really can't i say giving up and it tastes bad in my mouth because it just isn't me to give up. but it is me to keep myself intact. i don't lose myself for anyone else. she had me sitting there without any words to find. she told me straight to myself that i can't lose myself for no one and i can't keep using the words "eventually" and i need to do right now. He says its up to me. he says to keep doing me and maybe he'll come around at his own time. true story, but i'm not that girl to keep messing around like i'm always going to be here for the taking. that's not me. i'm worth it because i try for it. i don't take my heart lightly and i give all i have to give. and if its not going to be me you want its not going to be me. that's the bottom line. i just need to accept that. and a part of me really has, and it might hurt the way it does, but it just means there's got to be something else out there for me. because being right really does take too long and i really don't know if i can wait much longer.

i take chances with my heart all the time only to get hurt in the long wrong because those i take my chances with aren't really trying for me. it gets me to the point where i want to throw my hands up and say whatever but i can't. i have too much hope for that.

he sat there giving me one of the biggest opportunities i've ever had and i was sitting there thinking "this is where its going to start for me". yes i'm still going to try for other things nad see where i go, but this could be the one i take and the one that makes me who i want to be. this is the beginning of something great for me and i know when this week is over i'll be a lot more excited about it. eventually i'm going to have everything i've ever wanted for myself and go with that. i've worked so hard for everything i've ever had. nothing ever came to me instantly. i made all of my opportunities for myself because nothing has ever been handed to me. but now i made myself a great resume and a good look on paper to get these opportunities. and now its finally time to live them.

i know all the grad stuff is coming up and i am really excited about all of it. but i keep thinking about everything else and its really keeping me from being happy. i was telling her that when the frustrated is gone all i feel is sad. and right now that's just the way its going to be. until next week is over it might be different but from now until then this is just going to be me. i wish i could make it go away because its not who i am and its not who i want to be and if he was here he would tell me not to be this way. but he isn't. and he can't. and when i sleep, all i see are the memories of her tears. a scar that won't ever heal. but its my damage to bare.

i'm thinking after june 11th everything is going to change. it will because i will change it all. no more holding back. no more fear. no more letting things get the best of me. no more of the things that aren't necessary. i'm over all that. after june 11th its a whole new me ready to take on anything that comes my way and if you can't handle that me or that world then i'll just have to move on without you.

feelings and emotions

its hard trying to figure out where you stand on things and trying to figure out yourself and how you feel for that matter, when you have the emotional capacity of a pregnant woman with too many hormones. i know the first year is the hardest and going through all the emotions again is normal. but this losing sleep is driving me crazy and making me angry at everything else and when the anger subsides all thats left is sadness. she says it comes in waves and if i could do this once i can do it again. i hope so cuz these waves are drowning.

keep on diving

We were walking, and i was telling him the whole situation as i have for years. we stopped. he looked at me. and he said, "that's a lot of complicated to put up with. how do you do it? actually. why do you do it?". I looked down at my feet, searching for an answer i couldn't find. now when i think about it, it almost makes me want to cry. after all this time, why was i doing this to myself? hoping that he would want me? but at what cost now?

he told me i am a catch. and that there is someone who wants everything about me. why am i waiting around for someone who doesnt? again. i look at my feet for answers. like looking down at the ground is going to give me some kind of epiphany. no. its funny because i think about how my dad always told me you never look down when you're walking. its a sign of fear to not look at people in the eye like they dominate, and you never know where you're walking if you're always looking down. yah. i need to stop doing that.

he comes in like a bright light in a dark room. he tells me his situation and says, "because i can't see her all the time doesn't mean i don't like her." he explains things to me and it makes perfect sense and for someone that's perfectly okay. i'm just trying to figure out if its okay for me. and right now at this very moment, i'm starting to feel like maybe its not. and i want to let him go but there's a part of me that can't. and i don't know why. i really don't. would i do it all again? if i had to go through all these hard parts just to have those 4 months all over again. i would... because i believe that was the real him. and i miss him. i guess i was always just hoping we wouldn't want to wonder if we missed out on each other.

sometimes i wish it was different. actually i wish it was different all the time. i fall asleep trying to keep the tears in because i see her and the way she walks around life now and it breaks my heart and i have all these memories. memories i wish would just fall out of my head and be gone, but at the same time i hold on to them so tightly because they're all i have left and it makes me so sad. i know its a part of life and all that stuff. but sometimes i really wish it wasn't and i could skip over that part. but i guess there's no joy without pain.

lost

I hate this feeling. i'm always climbing a mountain. always hoping it leads to a better me in the end. but there's always something. its funny i start to tell her and it doesn't phase me anymore because nothing has ever come easy for me or at least manageable. she says "i'm so over them always giving you more shit to go through. its like you never get a break." at least she can feel the anger for me. most of the reason why i love having her around. because by now i've learned that its my actions. its what i do with the bullshit i'm constantly handed. i make lemonade out of lemons all the time. because i'll be damned if anyone keeps me from my dreams. i've never been handed anything in my life. i've always worked for myself to be something for myself and i've never let anyone stop me except one time. and it took a lot for me to forgive myself for that. but i can't go back to that person and i never will again. i'm always going to come through for myself even if it means me moving, leaving, having to give up some people. its just something i have to do.

there is this whole thing about my tattoo. yah its big. yah its there. i don't care if anyone doesn't like. i don't care what anyone has to say about it. it isn't for everybody. in fact it isn't for anybody. its for me. and you would have to know me to understand. he said it makes sense the reason why i hold my grandparents in this different light. they were something more than anyone else has ever been in my life. and in my life that's saying a lot. i still remember the day he said those words to me. i remember everything about that moment. where i was, what i was doing, who was there, the way he was standing, the way he said it. a moment when i was making myself a victim, and he told me "a retreat in time is a victory in life." i almost fell out of my chair. the most consistent man in my life was continuing to be the most consistent man in life when he was even consistent in his own. and life would never be the same after.

i'm hoping for change. i'm ready for change. i'm ready to be me and have someone just accept that. there isn't anything wrong with that. because i want something better for myself. don't you?

in the name of something so much more

i'm starting to feel it a little. this is usually the case when i have to go to the doctor's. i'm find until the night before when it starts hitting me of all the possibilities. i've gotten a lot of bad news before but i made it through all of that so no matter how bad this might be, i know i can get through it too. i know i might sound too optimistic but when you've done what i've done. its the only way to go from here. so right now i might be scared but i know tomorrow morning when i wake up to be told i have to do more tests, i'll be fine. mainly because i'll be the thinking of the quiz i have later that day.

every time it gets closer i feel like i close up a little more. i don't want that day to come around. i want to just skip over it like it never happened. but i can't. and i see her and i want to cry all the time for her but i can't because its never been in me to cry. i didn't even cry when i was there watching it all in front of me. i'm really hoping that the dream doesn't come back. i really hope that was just a one time thing. i guess i'll find out soon enough.

i'm starting to care less about the whole thing. she asked me why and that this is something that only happens once in my life. but every one is so concerned with themselves and their schedule that it just isn't worth it anymore. she told me we needed to talk and said she felt embarrassed that she had to hear about how everyone was getting a ticket except her. but i told her she knew how i felt about the situation and this is just something she's going to have to give me cause i've really had enough with everyone else. so she did. i still have this gut feeling she might go behind my back about it. and she better hope she doesn't. but i guess we'll have to find out about that one too. i just want to be done and move on already.

you know sometimes i'm hoping that when he has these new perspectives that they stick and work for the best for him. he was sitting there talking to me about all the possibilites. it really was a genuine talk that had me yet again hoping so much, but sometimes it really hits me how hard it is to love someone who doesn't love you back or who won't let you love them for that matter. right now its been okay because there is so much on my plate right now until i graduate basically. but when its all over i'm wondering where i'm going to stand. he says i'm someone he wants in his life for a long time and honestly that always has me wondering "why?". a question easily asked but never easily answered. because somewhere i want to be something. but that's just another something i'll just have to find out eventually. but the question there is am i going to be able to take the waiting to find out. right now i couldn't tell you because i honestly don't know. because i know this has to be something. and that's exactly where he stopped the conversation.

time reveals all truths. let's hope that's really true

i'm the one who really loves you baby

This is what I have so far. I don't even know the order this is just how I'm writing it right now:

From beginning to end its been me
And I keep thinking every time
If love was enough
I would be on your mind

Let's pretend for a moment you loved me
That it was a want, a need, a be
That these feelings were more than words
And you would see what I'm always waiting (trying?) for
The way these emotions are always moving me forward

Let's get away to the point it matters
When it was more than just love letters
Give me a better and I'll show you the best
I'll give you reasons to let go of the rest

But by then you'll only think of me in summer
Remembering the sound of my voice and the scent of my body
Because you always thought it was hello
When I always knew it was good bye.

Yah that's all I have so far. I haven't written in a long time that wasn't me just writing random thoughts. I still need punctuation I know. Reading all this stuff about love, truth, deception, persuasion and seduction was a great inspiration. These renaissance poets wrote about love in a way that is completely timeless. but it makes it hard for me to read because sometimes its a love i really wish i had. some of them write about how much they love someone and its love i sometimes wish i knew was real but i'm starting to realize that it might just not matter anymore. you can only hope for something for so long. i'll still have my faith. but my hope is drifting.

"too many times i've been wrong. i guess being right takes too long. i'm done waiting. there's nothing left to do but to give all i have to you."

what is the alternative? i just keep living my life the way it is working for the best and having faith it will show up for me. because either way my world is not going to come to a crashing halt because you never wanted to be in it. it sounds so awful to say out loud but its true isn't it? well. isn't it? there is something in me that someone is going to see and want nothing more than exactly what i am. and when that person comes to turn my world upside down i'm going to let it fall into place and not worry about the rest because when it comes to love the rest shouldn't matter. the rest of it should just not matter and even though its scary as hell i'd rather fall than let the fear keep me from something so wonderful.

he reminded me that it's the same day as his birthday and i could feel the tears building up. and i had to stop myself because i didn't want him to see how much it still hurts me. how every time i think about how that day is coming up i almost crumble to pieces because i'm feeling all the emotions again like i'm reliving everything all over again. the horror of it all. i know it needed to happen and there was nothing i could do to stop it. but its just one of those experiences that stuck with him that i can't shake. and now that its been almost a year and that day is creeping its way towards me i feel it tearing me apart every chance it gets. and i don't want him to know because i don't think he'll understand. he'll just tell me to get over it but that's where i hit a wall because i just don't know how to.