find your love

"I better find your lovin', i better find your heart"

this song is so amazing but it hits so close to home for me right now and i can't stop listening to it.

he says its being artificial like i get what i want and i question it like it can't be real so i can make it into something less than what it is. its true for sure. and i'm trying to work on that. because i'm going to get myself no where doing that. i need to just let myself go and let things go the way they're suppose to on their own. i can do it. i know i can. i told him its just the vulnerability of it all is the part that gets so scary so i do what i do best and believe its something i've made up in my head that can't be real. but not this time. i remember when he asked when my feelings started. its funny because i remember when because it was like he stuck. i knew there was something there. like there had always been something there. i didn't know exactly what it was. i just knew it was there. something i couldn't shake like i couldn't get him out of my system. and i definitely tried, but i guess it never works when there is something attracting you like a magnet.

but at this point i almost just don't care anymore. he said before i didn't care. like it was the real me. its true. the real me never cares about anything. i was trying to change that so i could be more affectionate and care. but because when i didn't care neither did he. but i think there's so much else going on right now that i just can't care about what's going on right now. i need to keep trying to do me on this side and see him on the B side. because something tells me that no matter what, he's still going to be there somewhere.

today i told him the day and the decisions i had made about my tattoo and when i was getting it. i was scared out of my mind don't get me wrong. cuz its him and he's the scariest person i've ever known. the one that's always been the hardest on me. but i knew that if i was just upfront and honest with him it would be alright even if he screamed at me for a good hour. but he didn't. i think because deep down he knows its something i need to do for myself even if he doesn't agree. that or he knows i'm going to do it no matter what. my mind has already been made up. he told me he doesn't agree but that if i'm going to do it then he can't stop me. now i'm jsut counting down the days because this is such a big deal to me. such a big deal. he was the only man my entire life who was consistent and this happy male figure for me. he held so much in my life. i would give anything just to say two words to him again. and it breaks my heart all the time thinking about it. but he told me i couldn't go with him. and every day i stay behind i'm hoping i'm make him proud some how because i've worked so hard for him.

not to say my dad hasn't been a male figure in my life. just me and him haven't had the best relationship. there have been a lot of hardships with us. but when it comes down to it. when shit hits the fan. he's the only one i've ever trusted with my life. he's someone i could be completely honest and crazy with and still just take me fore exactly who i am. my dad is the only man that's ever fought for me. when no one else did. because no one else could. and for that, i have nothing but respect for him.

she told me i have to go to the doctor this time. that's its just getting too bad and i can't keep going on with this much pain. i know i need to but i really don't want to. its like every time i go i'm asking for some bad news. i don't want her to tell me what i already think she's going to tell me but i'll go anyways. because she's right. i just hope they can fix it or find a way to help me maintain it better again. because i know what it is that's causing it. it isn't the food. i know what it is. and its just going to get worse for the next month. after june it will go away for a while. i know it will. i just need may to go by as fast as humanly possible.

onenight - musiq soulchild

i couldn't find a video of the song to put on here so i put the lyrics. because its absolutely amazing:

All, all this time we've been wasting baby
You've been playing baby
Sending me all, all these signs
But never, never saying a word
See now I, I'm not trying to figure out, so how bout you.
Tell me what you wanna do? So I can give you all you want
If you just say it, so, say it baby.

I can understand if you're not ready
If you need me to be patient
Then I'm cool wit waiting
We can take our time, lets get it right
Make it last forever, not just for one night

Girl forgive me if I come across to forward baby
And if I offended you in any way baby
See I just wanna get next to you
Cuz being closer makes it better
When I get to know you baby
Tell me how am I suppose to do that when you
Keep leading me on and you keep pushing me away
When all along I know, yes I do
That you really want me to stay baby. Ooooh!

Look baby I know that you want me cause I could feel that
You you need me but you seem to be just a little afraid
That cools its ok, it's alright cause I want you baby
I mean I really want you baby. But if you need some time
I'm willing to wait just as long as you know that I want you girl
Cause I want you, but only when you say its oke
cause i want you, but I want you to want me too.

I want you to want me
Just as bad as I want you cause I can understand baby if you're
Not ready and if you need me to be patient wit you
I'll take my time wit you baby, I'll take my time as much time as you need so we can get this thing right girl and make it last forever. Cause I don't want you to feel I'm here for now and gonna be gone tomorrow, I want this to be the beginning of a beautiful relationship. Do you feel that baby I mean can you understand that, that's real. That's from my heart.


sometimes i know its hard to take me seriously because for someone who hasn't dealt with many people who are sincere it can be hard. but i'm always sincere and honest with my words. thats why sometimes it takes me a while to think of what i'm going to say because i really want to get it right and say what i'm really trying to say. sometimes i really just want you to believe me. because sometimes i really think i'm going to hear "oohhh baby baby" from smokey robinson and the miracles and know that when you hear that song its going to be about us. sometimes i wish love and fear didn't go hand and hand but i realize it does to know it means something to you. i want to let it grow the way it can. so i let go to give space, but feel like that only works against me.

its nice having him back in my life. i almost forgot what it was like having him around. having him missing in action for the last year almost year and a half was hard. we have never gone that long with hardly saying two words to each other. he's always been there for me. through the really hard stuff. its funny because i'll always remember the day he forced me out of that bed because i had been crying all day. or the way he kept in touch even when i moved away. the days i would have to talk him down for hours because a stupid girl broke his heart again. every one always trying to make our situation more than what it was. and at times i think we both believed them just at completely different times to come to the same conclusion that we are brother and sister. even though we might have these ups and downs we always come back to where we were. the best of friends. and that's kind of where i think we'll stick for a long while. or at least i hope so. its nice being able to talk to him again all day long. he was one of my calming factors. i'm just grateful my best friend is back.

i'm starting to think that even though i've been super happy lately, may is going to be the death of me. i'm not looking forward to may at all. i want it to come and go like it never happened. i am absolutely dreding may for 2 particular days. i just hope i make it ok. i'm just crossing my fingers i make it ok. that's all. that's all i need. i guess we'll see.

i told him i was giving up drawing. he said he went through the same thing with writing. i think eventually i will bring it back. its just funny because i used to only draw when i was really depressed or upset. i think i still do though. actually i still do now that i think of it. every thing i've ever drawn has been a result of me being really upset, angry, or depressed. all of which have been made for people i probably shouldn't have made it for. some of my best pieces were ruined because of it. even by people i gave them to. because its like only a matter of time before they either ruin them or throw them away. like i jinx myself by giving my work of art. i guess that's why i want to give it up. because my drawings have been like omens of bad things to come. wow.

she told me i should just continue writing it all down. to keep writing because when i write people want to read more. i remember him telling me my writing has always been this thing i do because i have things to say tha ti don't like to say to people and me writing to people who don't know me makes it easier for me to relay my stories to people because there is an unbiased way of expressing myself. its definitely true. i mean if i ever got this book published there are definitely certain people i wouldn't want to read it. but i guess that's only one in particular. and definitely depending on where we were when that happened depends on how i feel about it. love is always an inspiration of mine. i just hope i can relay my story in the way i really want it to be read. because it really is just my story. my life. my writing. the most intimate part of me. i think that's why i have to this career. because its something that i just fall into like its natural. its funny because sometimes i flip through my books especially my old ones and i find things i've written i have completely forgotten about over time and its like expressing myself in such a raw genuine way. that's what writing has always been for me. in everywhere it was everything. and i guess it always will be.

to hell with all the rest.

she said its only a matter of time. and if not, i have all the makings for the girl that got away. that might be completely true either way. but i've accepted, just accepting what it is right now and not carrying about the rest. because when i think about leaving for good, that pain in my chest knows better. so if the day comes when i become the girl that got away, i'm trusting the pain will be gone and i'll just accept that at the time. but for now, its all natural cuz he can't hide the happy when we're sitting on the bed looking at each other because we haven't seen each other in a week and its a moment that is just that. happy.

there's nothing wrong with having a little faith

i might be too hopeful, but how can i not be?

it's love.

love.

love...

never say never

"if you don't know, then you don't care, and i show up but you're not there, but i'm waiting and you want to, still afraid that i will desert you."

she keeps telling me i'm going to know when to say when but that she can tell i'm getting restless again. she asked me if i would be able to wait a year to be with him. i said no. she said "i didn't think so." i told her i just need a reason to keep holding on and right now i don't even think i have that. i'm holding on to whatever strings i can grab onto and its getting really hard to find any right now. i feel like they're all slipping through my fingers. i know nothing lasts forever. but i was always told never to say never.

just for now

because i am a broken house.

for the next month and a half. i will continue to be a broken house. i might be acting like i've lost my mind. i might be irrational. i might be overly emotional. in fact i might just be a crazy bitch. but honestly its all because of what happened and what i had to go through. the next month will be the hardest for me. its a thing i go through. about this time every year. i should apologize now and usually i do. but its ok to be needy i think. i can't help it right now. and although i try to convince myself that its all me and its all in my head. it doesn't erase this feeling i have in my heart that physically inflicts pain. so for now i will be the me i don't want anyone to know. and in fact i'll do my best for no one to know. i will fill my days doing what i do, having fun, or at least trying to. with a big smile on my face. because no one needs to know this pain.

its mine. no one else's. so its my burden to bare. i'm sure i'll do it just fine like i always have. i guess its better than being numb.

something sometimes

i was going through some old notebooks i had for class. reading through all the old notes i had made for chemistry and statistics and other math and problem solving. and i came across a poem i had written last year. i had no idea it was even there. there was still hope laced around it, but at the end i talked about how i needed someone to stop me in my tracks. someone to make me slow down and see them for who they are. because i'm always moving so fast completely surrounded by my own world and all i wanted was for someone to come in and slow me down. ironic that he tells me moving at such a fast pace has always been who i am and its just what i do and someone slowing me down just takes away from who i am. and although he could be right. all i've ever wanted was for someone to slow me down to show me. to tell me. to give me. something real. something that was worth slowing down for. you might ask why i need to slow down in the first place. because i'll lose my mind constantly continuing to bulldoze through life the way i do.

i'm always moving on to the next thing because letting myself let go into something, someone, is even more scarier than the last time. because everyone takes advantage. and it sucks me dry. it really does. and i don't want to go back to that. i don't want to feel that way anymore. and although i'm completely hopeful in love and although i want to know it again. i'm really starting to think, it might just not be for me. she told me it would be worth the wait. and something tells me that it will be. or at least it could be. and i'm starting to realize that all of my pieces are falling into place. everything i've wanted has been happening and everything is becoming real, but for me there is always something shattering that reminds me i'm still me. and i keep expecting that ball to drop any time now. like there is something that is going to make me feel like i don't deserve it. and my mind keeps going to him. like he doesn't care and this isn't going to happen and there is someone else and all i do is drive myself crazy thinking about it.

she told me i always have this tendency to think too much. and having something that isn't secure subjects me to my over thinking. which it has. and she's right. but when everything is going so good, i can't help to expect something i care about to all of a sudden go horribly bad. and it always seems to be the thing i really care about. so of course my mind goes to him. because what better way for something to go bad then the thing that could really break my heart? and don't get me wrong i tell myself its all in my head because i can't seem to talk to him about it. God knows i want to. but i just can't because all of this is on his time. i'm here waiting because he isn't ready and i don't want to rush him and i don't want to pressure him but even to read a text that says i'm "kinda" big deal means a lot because i don't know. i don't know and i can assume, but really where does that leave me? to assume something that might not be real? and if i tell him how i feel i could just be pushing him further away from me. and that's the last thing i want to do.

so i'm here with all of this hoping it just goes away so i can keep going on relaxed about the situation. but right now i'm just not. because i have things i want to say and i'm sitting here on them letting them build up in me. and he tells me i'm just being the hero again. but im just being me. kinda. well i am its just feeling like there are things i can't say makes it hard for me to feel like i'm being myself. because i don't think he would take it very well for me to tell him that i find myself falling for him all the time, and that i don't want to be with anyone else.

i keep trying to distract myself from remembering that next month is may. right now i've down a good job of keeping my mind elsewhere, because i don't really know how i'm going to feel or what i'm going to do when i realize what may means for me now. at least i have him to tell all that stuff to because it was this time last year that i started talking to him about all this and he still tells me i'm complicated. haha that really hasn't changed, but he's the professional. i'll just be happy if the dreams stay away. i'll be even happier if they don't come true. i sometimes really hate that they keep that picture of him so big where i have to see it all the time. because it only reminds me how much i miss him all the time. all the time. one day at a time. its always one day at a time.

i might be starting to really realize why i am the exception. now if only i was the exception to being the exception. then maybe all the pain wouldn't be hiding in the background and my optimism would always just be there, not always working itself to the bone trying to keep me alive. it does work so hard. and i thank it all the time. because without it, i don't even want to know.

words and a letter

i knew what was going to happen. i knew the situation. i knew he wanted something when he put his hand on my shoulder. it became even more evident when he called me with her number, knowing i would know it wasn't him. i could tell he wanted me. i knew he did when he kept asking me questions trying to find out more about me. i kept catching him looking at me. he put his arm around me to talk and i already knew where he was trying to take this. he wanted to know me. he was interesting but not intriguing. he was good looking and tall in the ways that i know most girls look for with that sensitive side that you know he could romance you in the way to make you melt in his hands. he asked me if i liked to be kept on my toes. like i didn't know what that was suppose to mean. i told him yes. and he gave me a look like he could be that guy. but i knew right when i shook his hand, he was just another one i would bulldoze like it was a sport and i played in the majors. it almost made me feel bad for him that i knew he was trying without trying to make it obvious he was trying. but my mind wasn't on him. and wouldn't be. he could have had a chance but he's missing too much to make it with me.

she said she's afraid. that she isn't ready but she wouldn't want him to be with anyone else. she would be willing to be with him even if she isn't ready to not lose him. and sometimes i think that's how he feels. that he can't picture me being with anyone else but him. and sometimes i really hope i'm right, because i think its very possibly true. but at the same time it like a catch 22, because then i have to wait for someone who isn't ready and although i'm willing it gets really hard sometimes because i want him to want me so bad, and at the same time feel like he doesn't. i'm starting to feel like my hourglass is running low and i keep trying to slow down the sand. but i'm not sure if i can.


he told me to write it down in a letter. the emotions i'm holding on to. to look it over for a week and see how i feel about it then. so here is my letter:

when i thought about what i wanted to write down at first. the only thing i wanted to write was: "do you want to be with me?". because i realize there is a difference between asking yourself if you're ready to be in a relationship in general, and if you want to be in a relationship with me. i understand not being ready. and i know i want you to be ready. but i need to know how you feel because i'm starting to feel like i don't know what we're doing. i know we've been consistent and you've been showing me how much you care. but i'm feeling like something is missing, and its making me feel like i'm not as happy as i could be. not to say that i'm not happy, just to say that there is something missing holding back the potential in happiness. i know what i want. and i want to be with you. but i want to know how you feel. have your feelings grown? have they changed? are we progressing or are we at a stand still? because if you tell me that someday you want us to be together, than at least let me know i'm something to you. i want to know that even if you introduce me to everyone as your friend, i'm still more than a friend to you. i'm someone you consider. because i want the kissing, i want the adventures, i want the hugs, i want the passion, and i want everything else that comes with it.

i know sometimes i hold back, and its because i don't want to pressure you. i don't want to make things uncomfortable for you. but the problem with that is, i end up giving up the things that make me happy. i'm trying to work on the affectionate parts of myself and i want to be more affectionate but i don't know where that puts me with us. i don't know where i'm crossing some kind of line. and it really confuses me sometimes, which just in turn frustrates me. and i'm afraid to get back to the frustrated part of myself, because i don't want to feel like i keep running into a wall again. because i there are only so many times i can feel like i'm running into a wall before i start realizing how much it really hurts. because when i think about if i could let you go again, i really don't think i could. and i want to know if you feel the same.

i know we both have a lot on our plates right now. and i know time is something that won't come often for us. but i'm okay with that knowing that you still think about me. i'm okay with not having to spend every minute with you knowing that we both have our own things to take care of, as long as i know there is something for us at the end of that tunnel. i just want to share something with you, because i have these feelings for you, and they keep growing more and more, but i can't keep doing this if you can't see yourself with me at all. because i really don't want to end up in this friend zone always hoping for something more. the last thing i want to do is pressure you. i don't want to force you into anything. i just need to know how you feel. and my question is, do you see us ever having something? do you want to be with me?

gone baby, don't be long

i started feeling like giving up. like letting the frustration take over again and let it go. the problem is. i really just don't want to. cuz "you got me feeling like a girl with a fiendish crush". i was sitting there thinking, if this is what he wants to do when he's around me, then why am i trying so hard. cuz when it happens i just shut down like an off switch. and it isn't easy for me to just turn back on after. and i start to think maybe he just doesn't feel the same way i do. you're mind can lead you to dangerous places when you're insecure in something that's hard to be sure of, or at least know what you should be doing. but then there are so many times when i feel like we're on the same page. sometimes i ask myself, "what if there is someone else? what would you really do?" she said we wouldn't be on the same page if that was the case. i think she's right.

he told me i do it again. i do it and i don't even realize what it is i'm doing. i start to only think about making the other person happy and preserving that happy, while losing my happy at the very same time. you know its funny because i'm always telling them to make themselves happy because its their lives and trying so hard to make everyone else happy is only going to leave them dissatisfied. and here i am. because i guess i like to believe that by his happiness can i find my happy with us. but i don't. not to say that i'm not happy with us just to say there are some things i'm unhappy with. i'm unhappy with not knowing how to act. yah i know the natural answer is to act yourself. trust me i do. but i in portions. because i'm not trying to spook someone who is already afraid. you know what i'm trying to say? there's already enough of an underlining of fear for me to make it that much thicker by putting in more feeling. i don't want to scare him away but in the same respect. i'm not getting what i feel like i need. there are some things that are missing that i want right now. i know what i want.

I want to kiss, i want to make love, i want to hold hands, i want to be something, i want to have something, i want the feelings, i want the adventure, i want the passion. but i know he isn't there yet. and that's when the frustration begins, sometimes its hard not to think "how is it that this person has spent this much time with me, has gotten to know me this much, and who knows who i am, and still doesn't want to be with me?" i always make the mistake of thinking it has something to do with me. like i'm dong something wrong. but i'm starting to realize it isn't. and i'm not. its one thing to not be ready and its a whole other thing to keep me hooked. but sometimes, he opens up a little more and there are things he does that i consider. those little things that other people might not. sometimes i think he does them to see if i notice and the funny thing is that even if i might not talk about them i completely notice and it makes me feel good inside to know someone cares enough to do those little things. i could be completely wrong, but i don't really care if i am cuz i like those little things.

they said i have to talk. i have to speak up. that i can't let myself be that girl again who just lets these things happen to her for someone else's happiness. and its true. and i will when the moment arises or at least when i get the chance. he said its the perfect situation, and i need to just let things go and see what happens. and i know he's right but she says its understandable why i'm not so comfortable with that because i'm so used to having control over things in my life now that here is something i have absolutely no control over and its scares me. don't get me wrong it scares the hell out of me. but i like it so much. i want more. that's true. but i'm not ready to say when yet. and sometimes i get so frustrated that i wish i did just say when. but i don't because then i start to realize, its still moving in the right direction and i still have enough hope in me to keep holding on a little longer. i might not know how much longer because it starts to feel like an hourglass with the sand falling through. but just enough to keep me here for now.

i know they wanted me to feel better. they wanted to encourage my progress by telling me they saw him at the spot the night before, drunk as hell, acting a fool in public. but i don't want to know. i don't want to know what he's doing or who he's with or where he is. and i know they think they are doing me a justice. but it only puts me in a funk. not because i still have feelings, or i want that part of my life back. but just because it makes me cringe to remember who i was then and although i'm happy for who i am now having escaped from that, i just don't want to know. i cut that part completely away from me and i just don't need to know about it anymore. as he says "no importa"

so baby, gone baby, just don't be too long. cuz i got this crush that's got me on hold, but a crush can only be crushing for so long before it really starts to hurt.