This is where it starts

I'm thinking that if i write everything out I might have a better idea of what happened and where things are.

This month has probably been the biggest roller coaster of my life. and it all started with a young man. He looked like he was 17 but he was 20 as i read later that day in the news. He had decided that morning i guess as he waited for the train. I was on my way to work and walked passed him trying to just get a little more ways to the front of the train. the train was pulling into the station and within a split second the young man had jumped on the tracks and disappeared. The first sound was the high pitched screaming from the woman who stood next to him. I saw the hat he had worn fall a few feet away. I stood there shocked. and couldn't move. the train pulled in and everyone was evacuated from the train. once everyone left, the driver was sitting there facing me, crying and shaking. I left when the fire fighters came down with wooden triangular objects to lift the train and take his body.

Shock is a simple word for the occasion. stress is an even simpler one for the aftermath.

My traumatic experience didn't seem to stop his incredibly selfish behavior. My support wasn't here and I was alone. To fend off my need to jump over our dining table and punch our live in guest in the face. But it is his best friend and it isn't my place. but we talked it out and no matter how many times he sees his best friend doesn't hold the same loyalty as he does. He still won't let it go. I get it, but the time and energy into someone who won't accept your friendship can turn into something more painful that i can not make any decisions on. it is his best friend, it is his relationship to evaluate.

so then i forget it, I go spend time with my kids and everything seems ok until i took the pregnancy test and got 2 vertical lines. I came back home and on monday got my blood taken just to be sure.

On Tuesday I was fired from my job, with no warning, no notice, no reason.

On Wednesday I got the call that I was 100% pregnant

On Thursday I made the appointment for termination for the following thursday.

I didn't think I could take anymore. I didn't know what to do. Except I knew what to do.

On Monday I had my first appointment to get a full check up. And there he was. His little flicker of a heart beat. His little head. and in that moment I felt something. I saw my baby for the first time and I didn't feel like a mother but I did feel something towards him.

He waited until he got home, and I showed him his baby. Love at first sight exists when a father sees his child for the first time. In this case that still held true, and in his heart he wants to keep this child. but in that moment i panicked. That I couldn't do this. that i was too overwhelmed by the thought.

Then i tried to think differently. I got the baby books and i made the pinterest board and it freaked him out but he still said in his heart he wanted this baby. his mind might tell him something different but his heart says yes. and then i realized. I don't know what my heart feels because i haven't asked it yet. Apparently I have time.

Our baby is 5 weeks. He grows a little more every day. and i have time. but i don't have time. and trying to figure out what my gut is telling me to do is probably he hardest decision i'm trying to wrap my head around.

God give me strength.

From top to bottom

its been more than a month in the new apartment. Things are great. I go through these moments when i'm sitting at work thinking of him coming home to me and i'm completely happy. and i realize, i'm ready for all of it. for our lives together.

a week ago his grandmother passed. He handled it much better than i thought and everything seemed okay. until i got back from visiting the kids. He seemed like there was a black cloud over his head. and then he told me he realized he would never speak to her again and its been a while since i've seen that much emotion from him. I can't imagine how terrible i would feel if it was me and my grandmother. I am trying to be as understanding as i can but you realize at some point that you can only be the shoulder to cry on because you're never really going to completely understand unless you're in or have been in that position. but sometimes, being the shoulder is the best thing you can do.

seeing my kids was everything. seeing them smile and miss me and hug me and play video games and basketball only reminds me how much they are my world. how much i would do anything for them. they are everything to me and they are the children i will always hold so dear to my heart.

Time Flies

Some time has passed since the last time i wrote. I know that's my fault letting myself get caught in life too much to write. I almost hate that I let it happen for this long. I feel like as a writer and a creative, there's really no excuse for not writing at least a little every day. I think it gets hard when you're a writer in life as a career. As much as i spend my day writing about things that I might not always want to write about, when I come home i tend to just not want to write. It kind of reminds me of my dad. He has spent over 10 years finishing the construction on my parents house. but he's a general contractor. all he does day in and day out is construction. he once told me that it was hard for him to finish his own creation for himself because he did it every day of his life. i get that now.

I've wanted to finish my novel for so long. There are so many stories in my head that I just want to get out on paper. I always felt like if I did, maybe it would be help someone somewhere. Sometimes i feel like i let out too much. like i let people know too much about me too soon. it can be a good thing and other times it can be bad but sitting with him made me just want to say everything. he just knew what it was like to be in some of the same positions i have had to be in. I haven't really meant anyone that knows what its been like for me in any way. I looked for a support group nearby but they cost too much for me to consider it. and I'm not exactly sure how to categorize myself. is it considered infertility if you had cervical cancer and now have lymphnodes that prevent you from conceiving your own child? I wasn't born with it but it was just something that happened to me. I still have a lot of questions but I guess that's for another time.

anyways, we moved in. for the first time in my life i'm living with a significant other and i have to say, it isn't as weird as i thought it would be. i guess that's because we've practically lived together for the last 2 years, but i thought he would drive me crazy. I thought things would get weird. but they weren't. the weird thing about it all was sleeping in a new place. it almost felt like a hotel. but i've gotten used to it now and its almost been a month. and things are coming together so it is feeling more and more like our home. the place will look much better once our couch gets here.

we celebrated our anniversary and he surprised me with tickets to the stevie wonder concert I had wanted to go to. it was incredible and emotional and probably one of the best concerts i had every gone to and i was so happy to have been there with him. it was just perfect. now everyone keeps asking about the next step in our lives. i'm sure it will happen when it happens but for now i'm happy building our little home living our lives like we are the best friend lovers we've always wanted to be.

so when he looks me in my eye and says, "you know i love you right?" i can smile and say yes and go to sleep at night knowing i'm loved.

Do You Realize?

There are these moments when you realize that life changes in such dramatic ways. It was last christmas when I started realizing he changed. There was something in the way he spoke, the little things he did, and his mood completely changed. Not for the worse but for the better. He was attentive and caring in a way he wasn't normally. I think for him, he realized that he could love someone more than he loved himself. For him that wasn't something he had ever really considered before.

Everything was turning into a complete romance in a way that I never knew it could. Not to say that he wasn't caring and loving before, but just to say a switch had turned on in a way that I never want to turn it off. I was never expecting him to say that he was ready to live with me. But that was the icing on the cake. Now with both of us landing 2 great new jobs, and getting ready to search for our new apartment, everything is about to change. The next chapter is about to start. and i'm ready.

Bated on the moments

If will you have me I'll make you happy Need someone to whom I can belong Here's my confession Saving it special Hoped it would be you all along All along

I freaked out. I don't know why. I started losing my sense of control. I was freaking out and nothing was happening and i wish i could explain it. I realized I have to sto talking to you about these things. I need to be more mature in my reactions. I need to stop letting the fear take over like its more imporant that your love. It never was.
I'm going to make some changes. I can start with my baby steps and I have. But I need to be able to ask you for help. I'm going to need to be able to know I can trust you. My heart knows what it wants. i want you. and somewhere deep in your heart i'm there. because you know you want me. No matter how cocky that might sound its the truth. its there in you and I keep pushing you back further aways from me. But that all stops now.
Not to say that its going to stop immediately, but to say that I'm going to work on making it stop completely. Becuase I don't want to lose you. You are my best friend. You are there for me. And i need to start treating you as such. You are not the bade of my emotional existance in this relationship. I need to let all of that go. My fear and insecurities got so much bigger than me. Because emotions are not easy for me. From all the past pain. But i'm working on that. and i'm going to continue to go throught his healing process.
for you i'm just going to be me. i'm going to love you with all i have to give and be the woman you fell in love with. I'm going ot get out of my head and just be us. just love you unconditionally. and let that just be that. because that's all i can do and hope that love is enough.

Bet

That moment when you've literally been applying every day and nothing seems to be working. nothing seems to be giving. you get a glimmer of hope and then you think "maybe this time something will change" but then it doesn't for one reason or another. I feel so tired. So rejected. So exhausted. My mind, heart, and just being can't seem to take the constant rejection, every day for months on end. Then I come home and sometimes there's even more rejection. Not to say that its there all the time, but sometimes I make rejection the whole of all my problems. He can't talk abou this love...rejection. He can't be intimate with me....rejection. He can't consider our future...rejection. Four job rejection emails today....rejection. Your resume is "too junior" (even though I have over 5 years of experience)...rejection. I am not the father that's going to say i'm sorry or tell you i'm proud of you...rejection. There's so much rejection that I am constantly having to fight against. Maybe the key is to just stop fighting. I have happy moments in my life. Don't be confused about that. I get sick and he's there. even when I don't think he will be. A part of me is sad that I don't expect him to show up or that I expect him to say mean things. But he doesn't do that when i need him and there is an acceptance there. I am just having a hard time right now. I have a way of focusing on the bad without realizing, I started my own business. That is actually doing well. I have a man that takes care of me when i'm sick and looking my worst. Who still tells me he loves me every day before he goes to sleep. I am a better parent to my kids than my parents could have ever been to me. I am trying constantly trying and I have accomplished more than i'll ever give myself credit for because it still isn't enough. I guess I can't expect to be enough for him when i'm not enough for myself. But then i'm only saying this because I just got a very disappointing email about an opportunity I thought i was a sure fit for. I know you can never be too sure but its nice to dream from time to time. That maybe this time. just maybe this time... He will see me.

Don't walk away

He doesn't realize it's not the end of the world It doesn't have to be that bad She tried to explain, "It's you that makes me happy," Whatever, whatever, whatever Whatever happens, don't let go of my hand

You know when they say you don't know what you've got till its gone? I've come to realize what I have when it was almost really gone. Now, I would do anything to keep it. A part of me still fears you'd rather be gone. But I don't want you to go anywhere. you know when you're in that space of wanting to keep someone but not wanting to make them feel they have to stay if they don't want to? I am almost overwhelmed with just how much I love him. I know that sounds kinda crazy, but its true. It was literally like overnight I fell in love with im all over again. I wish I could make him feel the same way. That the possibility of losing me was something he would do anything to prevent. But I think when that possibility presented itself this time he wasa already getting ready for it. It was a little heartbreaking when he said he feared more of being the bad guy than losing me. I had always believed he had a fear of losing me. It made me hold on in the times that I didn't think I could. I made myself believe that he cared for me so much that he was afraid of seeing me go. Knowing that what i believed isn't the truth was a hard pill to swallow. I'm literally listening to "Man in the Mirror" and listening to the lyric when he sings he is looking in the mirror and making a change. I need to make a change. super cliche i know but really its true. I need to stop worrying about the things that I can't change. I keep tellhim to just love me but i need to just love him. I'm afraid of loving him too much but why? What is the harm in loving someone? i mean ya i could get my heart completely broken, as i have experienced in the past. but its that exact heart break that got me to love him as much as i do now. I know that i have something good because i've had really really bad. At the end of the day, and no matter how much of a bad guy he thinks he is (which he absolutely isn't, because everything he is feeling is valid), I love this man. This is the man I can see myself spending my life with and who I want to spend my life with. He might not have realized this for himself yet because I put his mind in the opposite direction, but I will do everything I can and everything i need to so that he knows, i'm here to stay. He doesn't have to prepare for the end because I love him with all his faults with all his good sides, because he takes care of me, and he loves me. I know he loves me and cares for me. I am not dissillusioned and I am not naive. And regardless if there is a possibility that I am, I will never regret that love I have given him and the love I still have to give. Do you remember the time when we fell in love? He has been there by my side through much more than anyone was willing, and I have supported all of the decisions he's made for his life. I will continue to support him and love him for who he is. I mad the mistake of not seeing that before and he made the mistake of giving up. Now its time to get back to who we are and who we are to each other. Because fate had us there at the right time at the right place and I don't wnat to give up. I just don't.