This is where it starts

I'm thinking that if i write everything out I might have a better idea of what happened and where things are.

This month has probably been the biggest roller coaster of my life. and it all started with a young man. He looked like he was 17 but he was 20 as i read later that day in the news. He had decided that morning i guess as he waited for the train. I was on my way to work and walked passed him trying to just get a little more ways to the front of the train. the train was pulling into the station and within a split second the young man had jumped on the tracks and disappeared. The first sound was the high pitched screaming from the woman who stood next to him. I saw the hat he had worn fall a few feet away. I stood there shocked. and couldn't move. the train pulled in and everyone was evacuated from the train. once everyone left, the driver was sitting there facing me, crying and shaking. I left when the fire fighters came down with wooden triangular objects to lift the train and take his body.

Shock is a simple word for the occasion. stress is an even simpler one for the aftermath.

My traumatic experience didn't seem to stop his incredibly selfish behavior. My support wasn't here and I was alone. To fend off my need to jump over our dining table and punch our live in guest in the face. But it is his best friend and it isn't my place. but we talked it out and no matter how many times he sees his best friend doesn't hold the same loyalty as he does. He still won't let it go. I get it, but the time and energy into someone who won't accept your friendship can turn into something more painful that i can not make any decisions on. it is his best friend, it is his relationship to evaluate.

so then i forget it, I go spend time with my kids and everything seems ok until i took the pregnancy test and got 2 vertical lines. I came back home and on monday got my blood taken just to be sure.

On Tuesday I was fired from my job, with no warning, no notice, no reason.

On Wednesday I got the call that I was 100% pregnant

On Thursday I made the appointment for termination for the following thursday.

I didn't think I could take anymore. I didn't know what to do. Except I knew what to do.

On Monday I had my first appointment to get a full check up. And there he was. His little flicker of a heart beat. His little head. and in that moment I felt something. I saw my baby for the first time and I didn't feel like a mother but I did feel something towards him.

He waited until he got home, and I showed him his baby. Love at first sight exists when a father sees his child for the first time. In this case that still held true, and in his heart he wants to keep this child. but in that moment i panicked. That I couldn't do this. that i was too overwhelmed by the thought.

Then i tried to think differently. I got the baby books and i made the pinterest board and it freaked him out but he still said in his heart he wanted this baby. his mind might tell him something different but his heart says yes. and then i realized. I don't know what my heart feels because i haven't asked it yet. Apparently I have time.

Our baby is 5 weeks. He grows a little more every day. and i have time. but i don't have time. and trying to figure out what my gut is telling me to do is probably he hardest decision i'm trying to wrap my head around.

God give me strength.

From top to bottom

its been more than a month in the new apartment. Things are great. I go through these moments when i'm sitting at work thinking of him coming home to me and i'm completely happy. and i realize, i'm ready for all of it. for our lives together.

a week ago his grandmother passed. He handled it much better than i thought and everything seemed okay. until i got back from visiting the kids. He seemed like there was a black cloud over his head. and then he told me he realized he would never speak to her again and its been a while since i've seen that much emotion from him. I can't imagine how terrible i would feel if it was me and my grandmother. I am trying to be as understanding as i can but you realize at some point that you can only be the shoulder to cry on because you're never really going to completely understand unless you're in or have been in that position. but sometimes, being the shoulder is the best thing you can do.

seeing my kids was everything. seeing them smile and miss me and hug me and play video games and basketball only reminds me how much they are my world. how much i would do anything for them. they are everything to me and they are the children i will always hold so dear to my heart.

Time Flies

Some time has passed since the last time i wrote. I know that's my fault letting myself get caught in life too much to write. I almost hate that I let it happen for this long. I feel like as a writer and a creative, there's really no excuse for not writing at least a little every day. I think it gets hard when you're a writer in life as a career. As much as i spend my day writing about things that I might not always want to write about, when I come home i tend to just not want to write. It kind of reminds me of my dad. He has spent over 10 years finishing the construction on my parents house. but he's a general contractor. all he does day in and day out is construction. he once told me that it was hard for him to finish his own creation for himself because he did it every day of his life. i get that now.

I've wanted to finish my novel for so long. There are so many stories in my head that I just want to get out on paper. I always felt like if I did, maybe it would be help someone somewhere. Sometimes i feel like i let out too much. like i let people know too much about me too soon. it can be a good thing and other times it can be bad but sitting with him made me just want to say everything. he just knew what it was like to be in some of the same positions i have had to be in. I haven't really meant anyone that knows what its been like for me in any way. I looked for a support group nearby but they cost too much for me to consider it. and I'm not exactly sure how to categorize myself. is it considered infertility if you had cervical cancer and now have lymphnodes that prevent you from conceiving your own child? I wasn't born with it but it was just something that happened to me. I still have a lot of questions but I guess that's for another time.

anyways, we moved in. for the first time in my life i'm living with a significant other and i have to say, it isn't as weird as i thought it would be. i guess that's because we've practically lived together for the last 2 years, but i thought he would drive me crazy. I thought things would get weird. but they weren't. the weird thing about it all was sleeping in a new place. it almost felt like a hotel. but i've gotten used to it now and its almost been a month. and things are coming together so it is feeling more and more like our home. the place will look much better once our couch gets here.

we celebrated our anniversary and he surprised me with tickets to the stevie wonder concert I had wanted to go to. it was incredible and emotional and probably one of the best concerts i had every gone to and i was so happy to have been there with him. it was just perfect. now everyone keeps asking about the next step in our lives. i'm sure it will happen when it happens but for now i'm happy building our little home living our lives like we are the best friend lovers we've always wanted to be.

so when he looks me in my eye and says, "you know i love you right?" i can smile and say yes and go to sleep at night knowing i'm loved.

Do You Realize?

There are these moments when you realize that life changes in such dramatic ways. It was last christmas when I started realizing he changed. There was something in the way he spoke, the little things he did, and his mood completely changed. Not for the worse but for the better. He was attentive and caring in a way he wasn't normally. I think for him, he realized that he could love someone more than he loved himself. For him that wasn't something he had ever really considered before.

Everything was turning into a complete romance in a way that I never knew it could. Not to say that he wasn't caring and loving before, but just to say a switch had turned on in a way that I never want to turn it off. I was never expecting him to say that he was ready to live with me. But that was the icing on the cake. Now with both of us landing 2 great new jobs, and getting ready to search for our new apartment, everything is about to change. The next chapter is about to start. and i'm ready.