tip toes

Sometimes there are these times when I find myself not just a fork in the road, but with multiple prongs so to speak. There are opportunities to be had but there are failures at my fingertips. I want to make the right choices but it seems to be that i've only ever learned most from my mistakes. and so i continue to make them thinking that i'm making the right choices. I can let myself bury further into my hole but a part of me is still fighting. which is exactly why I get excited when even a small glimpse of hope presents itself. But at the same time i am not hopeful. I let myself fall into the same routines hoping to forget i have things i have given up on. I want to write. It has always been everything. To write. and here i am writing to myself like its suppose to open the door of my conscience to find exactly where and what i should be writing. My imagination almost left and i had to restart it all. Sometimes i wish I could do just like the ones i see who drop everything and travel to a far off land to live for a month. and I know a part of me knows I can do it, but I have other things i want more here. I have traveled much in my life as is to be able to be satisfied with the circumstances now. I have plans and ideas. wishes and dreams. I can make magic happen if I still believe it will. But I go through these random times when I feel like i'm losing it all again. But then there is a taste of optimism that keeps me fighting to eat on the life i have always wanted for myself. more or less the life i've always wanted for them. He calls me and I can hear the despair in his voice. I can hear the tragedy of wanting to just be loved. He wants so badly to just be loved the way she has ruined her life to find it. The way I doubt it will ever happen the way I hope. He talks as if all hope is lost and at times I find myself just wanting to shout because with all the bitching and moaning there is only a blame game that circles the drain to their marriage. They want to fight, and they don't want to fight, but they really don't want to do anything about it. They don't want to sit and just admit that for one of them, the love is just gone. But then what do you do? there are children. there is a marriage. but more importantly, there is a woman and a man who were supposed to love each other till the end. I can understand his pain. I get that we grew up a particular way. We grew up always having to prove that were worth loving and we always hoped to find that person that could. it was always a mission in life, but I chose different. I chose to put myself first. No matter how selfish that was. I chose my career path. it led me across the nation. I continue it here and because of it, i found the one who loves me. By any means that it turns out to change, I know I found the one who loves me. And i love him. My brother has lost himself in his idea of love that has been lost on a cold heart. He hopes to warm again, but i'm afraid its been lost in its ways too long to see him anymore. I can only hope for the kids, but the kids are alright.

Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow

I have come to realize more than ever now, that every day is a new day. I feel like I'm stuck in quicksand and every time I try to move I am pulled further down into the sand and just can't get out. They keep telling me that something will come soon and a part of me has lost my faith. A large part of me. It seems as though my life was always meant to be one way. I've come accustomed to the tragedies. But so,we here deep inside of me , I am hoping the way he does. The way he hopes so etching will change that will bring back the love he always hoped he had. I guess I should take my own advice which is always harder said than done. 

If you want something to change, you have to change something in yourself first. Nothing will change if you don't change anything. So maybe that's where my problem is. I have put myself in a place where I expect change but haven't changed anything. But then again, a lot has changed.

I am accepting to the idea of change. I gave my ideas of him leaving, because he hasn't and I believe him to have a larger fear of me leaving than vice versa. I abandoned my idea that he couldn't love me because he compromises so much for me, not to love me. It's in the way he touches me, the gentle kisses, the way he looks at me, the way he shows me, even if I can't get the words, I know it's there and I can only hope that eventually he will tell me more.

A change will come with change. I've opened my heart to new things and I can only hope for the best because I want him every day. I want to him to stay. I want him in my life. And I want to love him the best way that I can for the rest of my life. Everything else will find its way.

write, writing, written

I don't know why I ever stopped writing as much as i did. Never again. It is where I find peace. It is where i find everything. Everything I have ever been I've learned from my writing. I have to trust myself. I know I can just to conclusions and make assumptions. But I also know when I finally calm down and think rationally its all there in front of me and I can wake up knowing, you've never done anything besides love me. People can view it the way they want and they can say it the way they want. "How do you know for sure?" because there were tears, there were words riddled with pain, there were emotions, there was hurt, there was heart break. Not in a superficial kind of way. But in this sincere kind of way that I knew he loved me. I knew why he was doing it and I know how much it pained him to do it. He never wanted to leave me that time and that's why it only took 10 days. 10 days to change it, and less than that to know how much he cared. He's never given me anything less than exactly who he is and its always been enough for me. It's always been everything. That's how i always knew. I've always known. I love him. I would do even more than I already have just so he would know. He does things he doesn't want to do to show me how much he loves me. (Even though he ends up having a good time when he didn't think he would.) He makes compromise for me and not because he's obligated, but because he wants to see me smile. I see him so clearly. I feel the way he loves me when he walks into the room. It wraps me up in its warmth and takes my mind away from my stress. He kisses me just to feel my vibes change. He wants to take care of me in all the ways he can. I can never fault him for that. I am so lucky. I know all I have. I might let my insecurities get the best of me from time to time, but he defeats them even when they last longer than they should. We are still learning about each other, but even with every hill to climb He holds my hand, he catches me when I slip, he encourages me to keep climbing, and I will always make sure I have his back. I will protect him, I will take care of him, and I will most importantly always accept HIM. I will see Him for who he is and never make him out to be anyone he is not. Love was never anything meant for me. Love was never supposed to find me. Love was always supposed to over look me. But then it proved me wrong. He proved me wrong. And this is only the beginning. you have all of me.

dreaming

Sometimes I realize that my insecurities get the best of me. I look for things. for reasons why i have to be right. mainly about you. i feel this crazy need to know that you are a cheater, liar, insincere, whatever. Everyone has abandoned me and so have you at one time. and I know I make it seem like you'll never live that down. You have really. I know the other night i had that dream but that wasn't about you leaving me. it really had nothing to do with that. I have these other fears that i let me hidden behind another one. There's always something there. I know that, and i'm really trying to get through them. i'm really trying to free myself from it all, but it just seems like for everyone its been one reason or another. I know i need to remind myself that there is a reason why there was one reason or another. I was never supposed to be with any of them. They were never the person that I was supposed to meant for. I know that. I really do. I know i had to go through all of that heartbreak to know when something is good. I know that you are good. I know that you love me. I know that i love you deeply. But that scares me down to my core. Its supposed to. That vulnerability that has me hoping you won't break the heart I so shakenly put in your hand. I want to be confident you won't, but confidence is was broke my heart so badly before. Always knowing what I wanted and thinking i could have it. I like to believe that this time we have something we both want. Mistakes were made. problems solved. and although sometimes i find myself finding out things I don't think I would have wanted to know. My first instinct is to tell myself that he still loves me. That was a different time. We were apart. Does being apart mean bringing a girl into your bed? did it make you feel better? The cards said not to jump to conclusions. never to make assumptions. my mind is playing tricks on me because you swore it has been only me for the last year. My instincts want to trust you because you have never steered me wrong before. Even when you broke my heart, you were honest and I knew it was your truths shedding both of our tears. I am trying to calm myself. my suspicions. and then I realized. what does it matter now? I was honest with you about what happened during that time. if you weren't completely honest to spare my feelings or because you knew i would never come back to you if i really knew. is it selfish? because its true. If i knew there was someone else in those 10 days I would have never come back to you. I would have turned my back and walked away from you. But now what does that change? I guess that you wouldn't have been completely honest with me. 6 months later, where would it put us? would my faith be shattered? would my trust be torn? Will i let it eat me up inside? The more I type the more I can feel the heat of my skin taking over my face. because it doesn't matter now. it really doesn't and i can let it eat me up inside and push a wedge between us. but how is that going to help anything? I would be the one to break both of us that time. It would be me killing both of us. and i need to just stay calm. you are human. i am human. i guess. i guess. i guess. i guess. i guess. i guess. i guess. i guess. i guess. i guess...... I want to lose myself in us and at times i feel like i rally have. but then i lose so much more sometimes. i lose... i lose. and i lose and i lose and i lose. it seems to always happen that way. and i keep fighting with myself. its always this internal battle and i can't just let it go all the time sometimes it just sits inside me and grows and grows and i want it to die and i want to kill it but my subconscious is so afriad of love. because it was always recurring. it was always returning. it was always undefeating and wouldn't flinch or bat an eye at me. but then you kiss me and it always goes away. and i almost want to hate you for it but i can't and instead i just smile and i still hate you for it but it just all disappears. and i realize just how much i love you.