in the depths of a modern romance

finding me is finding surprise.



sometimes i realize that i'm being really self conscience, cautious, and whatever other adjective that fits. He asked me if i was just waiting for a break up. that's not it at all. not at all. i believe this is something greater than the two of us. i want to take it one day at a time giving what i can and being happy. because i am happy. don't get me wrong it would be better to get a little more face time but i can take what i get and not regret or resent a moment of it. i constantly hope he feels the same and i guess that's where the self doubt starts to creep in. but i'm starting to feel like i can't let that matter. because if this is our shot then i want to love it for what it is. when i was trying to think of birthday ideas i'm not going to lie the thought of "why am i doing this? he ditched me on my birthday and didn't even get me anything and didn't even email me till the day after or something like that. I shouldn't even be doing anything for him." but then i realize none of that matters.

nothing from before matters. the only thing from before that matters, is the fact that we grew so close together, a bond that obviously can't be broken, no matter how hard we try. All the other things can go out the window. and in all honesty, i love that this is a new beginning. like starting something new. because it really is. we didn't have this title before and even though most things won't change, some things will that will make this experience different but i'm thinking in a good way. so what's the point of holding on to some grudge? because i know when he's standing there completely happy in something i've done for him for his birthday, he'll be happy, and isn't that all that really matters? because its realy all that matters to me. i've always lived my life doing things that make me happy or i feel lead to making me happy because i want to be satisfied.

she said "you seem really content. and it never takes much to make you happy, but this is the happiest i've heard you in a long time and i'm relieved." i love the way i can talk about nothing at all and she always knows exactly how i'm feeling. anyone could be the love of my life, but she'll always be my soulmate for that reason. because i am content and happy in this. when i'm asked about it, i automatically smile, for no particular reason at all. when i see he's calling it makes me happy to know he cares enough to see how i'm doing. maybe i'm just being a nerd in my own head. but i don't see why it matters.

she came crying and i told her she needed to stop. she's putting this distance between them and at times i don't know how i feel about it. how much would i care if he left? how much would it hurt? to be 24 and have that happen? and i know it would be because of her and if it happened knowing that i would never forgive her and i would never speak to her again. it sounds drastic but its completely true. there's just no way. that would be the straw that broke the camal's back. she honestly better hope that is not what happens or she will have to fix it.

i'm growing restless. i need a career already. i want to start life and i feel like i'm standing at one point. there is something more i could be doing but so much of everything else is blocking me. but i'll be damned if it blocks me for long. i'm going to figure this out. and i will get what i want. there has to be a way and i'm going to figure it out. i will figure it out. in the mean time i've been reading a lot more which always helps my mind relax. i need to get back into my book. its been waiting for me and i have so many ideas. its just filling in some gaps.

i still think something amazing is going to happen. something that is going to change everything. it seems to be the way things always went. i told her "its a tragic comedy, because its so tragic is comical. something has to change eventually, my life can't always be this way." and its ironic because i realize how melodramatic that sounds, but if you only knew the half of it. when the professional says, "you are the most complicated person i've ever met." you know you've done something different. but lucky for me it turns out it didn't have anything to do with me directly just having to know and go through everything and still somehow be a positive person. now i'm just hoping positivity puts me in the right direction. i want many things but i'm starting to think i should stop wanting and just start makig things happen. i've always been the person to try for everyone and everything else without anyone or anything trying for me, but i think its time to change that.

love, love. love...

let's keep it real this time

because this time we just have to jump and worry about all the "crazy" stuff when it comes. I want to take this for what it is now, give it the best i have to give, and make it mean so much now because i don't want to regret any of this later. I want to be able to say I gave what i had to give and it was the best time i had. I definitely appreciate the honesty and the real conversations of not being afraid of just saying what i have to say and being able to say it and knowing that i can listen and not get all upset because you aren't down for a long distance thing, but know that i've always respected you and the way you feel and i'm going to keep doing it that way because now, this time. i really feel like it feels so right. i'm always hoping you feel the same but i'm pretty sure you do. It just finally feels like it clicked and the rest doesn't matter right now as long as we're happy and let everything go on its way the way its meant to go. organically right? haha

i've been getting a little discouraged with not really having too much to do besides work. yah, i fill my day with things i have to do likes chores and applying left and right and getting things done. i think i need to get back to writing this book and fill some of my time doing that. it will help with me having all this time on my hands because i need to be doing something i'm going a little crazy not feeling like i'm being more productive. i know i'll figure something out and this is just the matter at hand right now i just need to do how i always do and find a way to get myself out of this hole. i'm sure i will at some point or another. i'll be damned if i don't get what i've worked hard for.

he talked to me today about the way he felt about what happened. i saw he was getting a little choked up about it because he really did lose one of his best friends. enough to make the man my godfather. and all i keep thinking about is how much this man helped me in my life. never failed to provide for me. he always had saving bonds saved for me every year that helped out a lot with college. he gave me a huge check when i graduated, more than anyone else in my family. when i came home from europe the only birthday card i had in the mail was from him. he's the reason my parents had a way to send me to summer camps cuz i had no where else to go during the days in summer and the neighborhood was too dangerous for me to stay alone. he helped with so many things to help me. and yes at first i was devastated because it came out of nowhere until i realized that the last thing i told him was how much i love and appreciate the love he's always shown me in my life and everything he's every done for me. i told him how much he meant to me and how much he would always mean to me. and when i think about it, it is kinda crazy that i said my good bye without ever really knowing i was saying good bye.


its kinda crazy to see how far we've come in the last 5 years. she says wait until the next 5 years and we'll be ballin'. haha still laughing at the fact that she used the word "ballin'". i'm so proud of her for starting her own business and getting things going for herself. she's the reason i push myself to do even more and i'm just glad to see her doing something she loves and making something of it because i know she'll be phenomenal at it. no doubt about it. but that is why she's my person.

real, really? really...

i don't know why i'm starting to think maybe i jumped into this without asking you more questions to put my mind at rest. i'm starting to think you only asked because you knew i was leaving. but i'd like to hope i'm wrong and you asked me because you realize that i really do keep you as balanced as you said. but i'm not sure how much you really want this. in fact, do you want this? i think this could all just be in my head because i'm wondering why you haven't really made any plans to see me, or call or anything. and i know its still super early, but still. i was really happy right at the start and i think you could've been too. but today was different. today it was weird to say out loud because i realized i didn't know if you actually asked me to be your girlfriend cause you didn't use the word girlfriend. but maybe i'm just crazy and over thinking the whole thing. and being overly emotional about it right now and its quite possible since i didn't see that happening at all. i just figured you would sing the same tune and tell me you didn't want to be in the relationship. but you didn't and you said different and i think i'm just really starting to believe that its too good to be true. i don't know, i feel like my head is spinning a little. but i'll leave it alone for now.

just seemed like the appropriate response

today was a good day. i think that's pretty much the best way to put it. possibilities are every where right now and i think the best part is not to just hope for them anymore but make them happen. be positive in the way things are. no rush but organically let this evolve into what its always been trying to be. maybe this time we finally learned a lesson. because really, i always cherished every moment with you.

i can't stop, i can't stop

caught in the crossfire

we sat there having our drinks. I told him everything that had been going on and everything i was feeling. he just looked at me and said, "if he mans up and comes to the house and wants to talk, you give him the chance and don't listen to what anyone else is telling you." its ironic that something so simple could shatter all the doubt that had building up in my head. because i know he's right and he knows he's right. he told me i had done good with what i had done and now the truth was going to come out. and i understand that and it makes sense but at the same time i think i'm more cautious now than i ever was before. its good but at the same time i'm holding back so much more now than maybe i should.

i'm definitely done trying to interpret things and just taking everything for what it is. but i can't help but read all the words and see all the actions and think to myself "you're only going to prove yourself a liar once again". I don't know anymore if i can believe you. and i want to so bad because it hurts so much when you aren't in my life. and when you say you feel the same i really hope you do because i can't be the only one that hurts this bad. i keep deleting everything os i'm not tempted to call, or text, or email. because i can't keep trying the way i used to. not this time. you say you aren't holding back anymore and i hope you don't because this has to be different. we have to let go of trying to fight it. we both know we were foolish for trying. so if i let go i want to know you're letting go with me. because if i know you're still singing the same tune i'm going to pull back even more.

I didn't have it in me to tell you yet that i'm moving to new york. that i've already been looking for a place and its only a matter of time before you leave. i didn't want it to seem like a weapon of words to say you're basically running out of time. maybe you would take it more seriously than you already have if i told you. but i don't want to say it like that. because i at least want to give you the respect of telling you in person. because...you're running out of time. and i know now you're telling me that's your #1 place to move to now, but i've always kept true to everything i always said i was going to do. i can't say the same for you.

that might seem cruel, but its the thought i think when you say it. i hope you prove me wrong. i hope you prove me wrong all the time. i hope this time you're not lying. i hope this time you see i can really make you happy and all this hoping makes me feel like i could be completely wrong in losing my faith you. don't let me lose my faith you.

5 ways to say i want you and 1 good bye

maybe baby maybe

i finished the beginning steps to starting new. its kind of surreal and a little scary. but mostly exciting. i'm ready. so ready to start new somewhere new. they talked to me like the wise couple they are. telling me that this is what they knew i needed and they completely understood my set backs but that i've never let anything hold me back before and i should now. and they are right and i know it and i'm not doubting it anymore. i'm not scared of leaving just scared of what it means for me to leave. I was looking at places to live and it almost makes it that much real. i guess its all in the hands of God and i'm hoping he has my back on this and i'm sure he does like always because this is real. it all starts here.

i get frustrated watching her have to be a parent again. taking on all those responsibilities she already finished because she is so worthless really. She hasn't done anything to prepare these kids for anything and here we are sacrificing ourselves and our time to make something for them when they've had a mother to lead them only into disaster and to fend for themselves. its really sad. but its so hard because she is not healthy. and in the first couple of weeks they were here her health was getting worse. she's been able to come back from it now and i'm hoping its really working and she isn't trying to hide it. because i don't want to watch her in pain because of the stress that's being placed on her. and its so stressful. so much so that i almost just want to rip her a new one for being so selfish. but i know it will only make things worse. i can only stay cool till the day comes.

i really wish this week would be over. i feel like i'm in a mood i just can't snap out of. and i really need to. i don't like feeling so blah. and that's the only adjective for it. blah. i need to get back up and be myself. and i mean i've been working on it and its been coming together slowly and steadily. and i'm so grateful for my friends. they've been so amazing with checking up on me every day to make sure i'm doing okay. taking me out as much as they can just to keep me distracted and lift my spirits. I never ceased to be amazed that they could care so much and it just only goes to prove to myself that i can be this loveable person that someone would want to take care of love back. its possible. and even if its just from them i think i would be okay with that. now that i'm starting to realize more the situation at hand i'm starting to become more and more comfortable with that. because with them there is happiness that i can't always find anywhere else. everyone always discourages looking at the possibilities because it might not be what's real right now. but dreaming of possibilities is always how i've made my dreams come true. there is something out there for me and i might have had to go through a lot of heartbreak to get there but i'm determined to get there. to that moment when i'm completely happy in myself and what i'm doing whether or not i have someone there to have that connection with me.

i do still go to sleep wondering if you're thinking of me too. i don't think that's so wrong. i know i probably need to stop. but at the same time i don't think its so wrong to hope that you think of me too because i finally remembered that the chinese sitar is called a "pipa" and i wanted to just email you to tell you that haha only because i thought you should know. i don't exactly know why i'm sure you know why more than i do. but at the same time i just couldn't. i don't know why i couldn't. i have so many voices telling me to cut of all communication and i think i have. but at the same time i want to email you a song. or tell you that its a "pipa" or how the girl on project runway said "cra cra" and it makes me tear up because this isn't fair. and i'm wondering if you see that it isn't fair. i'm wondering if you see that you miss me because we really did have something. i'm wondering if you're thinking that you really don't want to let it go as much as i do. and if you are...where are you?