ex-factor

It could all be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard. Loving you is like a battle, and we both end up with scars. Tell me, who I have to be to get some reciprocity. See no one loves you more than me. And no one ever will.

Is this just a silly game? That forces you to act this way. Forces you to scream my name. Then pretend that you can't stay. Tell me, who I have to be to get some reciprocity. See no one loves you more than me. And no one ever will.

No matter how i think we grow, you always seem to let me know it ain't workin'. it ain't workin'. it ain't workin'. And when i try to walk away, you'd hurt yourself to make me stay. this is crazy. this is crazy. this is crazy. this is crazy.

I keep letting you back in. how can i explain myself? as painful as this thing has been, i just can't be with no one else. See i know what we've got to do. you let go and i'll let go too. 'cause no one's hurt me more than you. and no one ever will

No matter how i think we grow. you always seem to let me know. it ain't workin'. it ain't workin'. it ain't workin'. it ain't workin'. and when i try to walk away, you'd hurt yourself to make me stay. this is crazy. this is crazy. this is crazy.

Care for me, Care for me. I know you care for me. there for me, there for me. said you'd be there for me. cry for me, cry for me. you said you'd die for me. give to me, give to me, why won't you live for me?

Care for me, care for me. you said you care for me. there for me, there for me. said you'd be there for me. give to me, give to me. why won't you live for me. cry for me cry for me. you said you'd die for me.

where were you when i needed you? where were you?

and by the time you get to this. you should see. you should know. that i still love you. you were my close friend. you were my heart. you were the other pea in this pod. to find yourself is one thing. i just wish you could've seen how much of yourself you were when you were next to me. sometimes i tear up just wanting to see that smile one more time. to hear that laugh. sometimes i cry at night just wishing you would get out of my head. but like she said, as painful as this thing has to be. i just can't be with no one else. but i know now. i know that you can't love me. you never could. and you never will. and eventually that will be why i got over you. that will be why i couldn't be with you. that will be why you could never have me anymore. and that will be why we can never be friends. i know now that you don't have what it takes to care for me. you couldn't show me when i was around and you never tried to show me when i was away. you haven't changed and you won't. a changed man would be on this doorstep telling me how much you actually genuinely care. but i haven't seen you. i haven't heard from you. i hear the hearsay and even that i don't believe because i really believe you don't give a damn. and every day that makes me let go of you a little more. until this love runs dry, i can't keep wishing you would know that i still love you. i can't be in your life because you never let me in. and the worst part about it all? i'm still here wishing we could just talk the way we used to. i'm such a fool. stupid love.

does waiting make us better people?

She had told me it woudn't be a good idea. and i knew it wouldn't. but that night when he grabbed my face and kissed me, i knew it was trouble. nothing serious. and i knew it shouldn't have happened. there were things and thoughts in my head that had me hesitating what i should do. but i couldn't help the attraction and although i really wish i could have. i just couldn't fight it.

he sent me the text to come over and have a drink and i asked if there was party. he said not really but people were coming over to hang out and have a few drinks. i told him i wouldn't be there till later and he asked me what time like he was going to be waiting for me to walk through the door when the clock struck 11. i was an hour late and had a hell of a time driving around and looking for a spot to park. finally i did and i wasn't prepared. the girls were dressed in heels and sexy clothes. i walked in with jeans and a garfield t-shirt with some flats. but the smile he gave me when he saw me walk through the door had me not caring i wasn't dressed cuter. because they were not okay when he went to get me a drink and posted up next to me on the couch for the rest of the night. i mingled with his friends and neighbors and it was so much fun. i got along with all of them. we made a late night adventure to a local bar and were just giggles all around. i was drinking beer and had no idea how i did it. we were talking like we usually do but i think we both know what was going on. we both were close. I felt a little excited because i never thought anything like this would be possible with him. it never crossed my mind until that night he told me he had crossed his more than a few times.

we walked back to his place in the rain. more jokes with his friends and then we decided to do something crazy. we walk through the wind and rain to the sand. make our way to the water. and break into a run into the water. laughing and freezing it was so exhilarating and exciting. we both couldn't believe it was happening but really happy it did. we went back to his place and cleaned up. laid down and talked. laughing. and really just having a good time. we teased each other until i turned over and then his hands were on my skin and i couldn't stop myself like i had planned to. his lips were just what i needed in that moment. and it didn't take much to get have us entangled in each other. i was surprised at what was going on. i didn't ever think these things would happen with him. and i don't regret the excitement of it. he cuddled with me after and we fell asleep in the comfort of the warmth.

i have no idea what i was thinking. but. there's no taking it back now. and i don't know if i would. she tells me i need to let him come to me. but time is running out. i think he knows that. he tries to appeal to me with tales of visiting me and moving to new york within the next 2 years. i don't put my hope in it because i know it sucks that i could see myself being with him and knowing i just can't. so i have to let it go. because...i just should. although i really really don't want to. i want his hands on my body one more time. but i'm not going to go there. daydreaming is dangerous.

catch me

Nicki Minaj Feat Swizz Beatz - Catch Me by A-Entertainment

I have given my all. funny how you can make me feel so small. catch me before i fall. my mind is made up. i'm waiting on you boy. my mind is set. i'm waiting on you. could you catch me? I am waiting on you to catch me.

I know they say the first love is the sweetest but that first cut is the deepest. I tried to keep us together but you were busy keeping secrets. Secrets you were telling everybody but me. don't be fooled by the money. i'm still young and unlucky. i'm surprised you couldn't tell. I was only trying to get ahead. but the spotlight makes you nervous. and you're looking for a purpose.

Maturity: the ability to accept those things which are uncertain.

she says i'll find my heart on the other side.

I guess i'm subject to everything being greener on the other side. and God i hope it is. because right now i'm getting hit with one blow after the other. but instead of it bringing me down as it naturally could. it just makes me more determined to get the hell out of here and make something amazing. making something out of nothing like i usually do.




you know its funny the speech he was giving. he was going on and on about how we sometimes go to sleep at night wondering if they're thinking about us and knowing how much they regret what they did. i want to agree but there's some falsity in that. i mean ya i used to go to sleep at night wondering if he still thinks about me. but i never thought he would ever think he regrets it. i mean ya i want to be the girl that says, "she isn't me. they're never going to be me." but i don't need to say what i already know is true. I just have to let it go and he's so right that i'm having conflicting arguments with myself. because i know how i still feel. i know i'm not over it. but when i finally said it out loud to him he said that was the beginning of me finally being able to get over it. and i hope he's right. i hope he's so right. because a part of me still wishes you were here. a part of me wishes i could have had that opportunity to really say good bye. but the most important part of me is still in love with you. which just makes me never want to see you again. because i know it's only going to bring more pain. and hasn't there been enough of that? haven't you hurt me enough? i mean what could possibly be said that isn't going to break me apart?

but then i'm sitting there talking to him and telling me, "i told him we have a hell of a time staying away from each other. and we usually just can't." and i know every time this bullshit happens, we go a little longer without seeing or speaking to each other. but why does this happen? he told me i need to stop asking these questions. this is why i'm so internally conflicted. i'm still in love with him, but hate him for what he did to me. or at least what he couldn't do for me. he says you don't know who you are. and that's why. that's why this happened. but you never left you. you are right there wherever you are in this moment. i wish you could just see that. because there was a guy there that i loved. so sincerely. for the first time. and i hate that i still write about you. i hate that you're still in my head. because it hurts so much that you're still in my heart. and WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GO AWAY?! DAMNIT!

because when it comes down to it. i want to hate you so bad but i just can't. i never really hated you at all. because i love you too fucking much. and not even like a crazy love. just something that was too real for me. and it stuck like a bad habit. and i don't know when you became this person. and i don't know how to get you to stop being this person. and i keep telling myself in less than 3 weeks none of it will matter anymore because i'll be 3000 miles away from you. like i don't already feel like i'm 3000 miles away from you. i guess it will just be a literally thing at that point. he tells me "you'll stop loving him when you find someone else you love more." i can't help but wondering how i can think that to be probable or possible at this point. i'm not drowning in it anymore. just totally immersed.



some day i'll be completely without you. how awful does that really seem? because it almost kills me. and i'm sitting here still convincing myself, that you couldn't care at all. and the ironic part of that is...you never proved me wrong. how tragic is unrequited love? i guess you only know when its taken you for such a hellish ride and still insists on asking why you hate it? I wish you weren't so threatened by the idea that i saw through your heart. this love wasn't such a dangerous thing. or at least it was never meant to be. here i was, the one that kept telling you not to be afraid and i should've been the one completely terrified.

i told her i have no idea what i would say. she told me to say nothing at all and just walk away. metaphorically, it holds the key. but emotionally, i haven't walked away. i'm still stuck in the box you put me in. and maybe he's right. maybe i'll find someone to love much more than i loved you. but God bless the day that happens, because i know i'll be a nervous wreck.



If this is taking the first step to really getting over it, can we skip to the end already?

i need an emo

baby please...

You want me to trust you. how can i trust you when i don't know the first thing about that...I just wanna love you baby don't wanna waste no time.

I kept feeling like everything was going wrong today. or at least that i was doing everything wrong today. until i realized i hadn't gotten sleep in that last 4 days. she helped me realize i just need to chill. luckily i have her around for those things because i tend to lose myself in my anger sometimes. and here i am still not sleeping. i guess there's always tomorrow.

we sat there and conversed for quite some time and i was happy that the subjects i just couldn't get myself to talk about didn't come up. i know there was probably a want to bring it up but i'm happy they didn't. it was nice to just sit there with them and catch up. but i knew there was a give away when he was asking me why i was keeping it a secret. but i informed him that i twas definitely not a secret. i don't care if everyone knows. i made the move pretty public for everyone to know about it but i knew why he was asking. and she agreed with me that he wanted to know for probably a particular reason. it should bother me but it doesn't. or i guess maybe not. i don't know.

We sat there talking about it and i could tell he had been wanting to say something about it. he told me what i knew but it was different finding out for sure. to know that he knows how i feel about him. i don't want to say i hate him because i think hate is too strong of a word. to know that he broke my heart, to know that i wouldn't talk to him. i just don't know what i would say. ironically i talked to her about that today. that i once knew what i would say but now i don't. i have no idea. but when we're sitting there and he says, "you still love him." and i can't even reply. every day i wake up and hope it hurts a little less and it does.

he told me i need to get off the bench and help myself get over it all and let go. but i don't know if i'm ready to get off that bench yet? i know i still love him and i really wish i didn't. because i know he doesn't care. i know it doesn't matter to him. and i don't it wouldn't change anything. she tells me guys that have committment issues like him never change. they always tend to commit to the same deranged habits. and i know she's right to an extent and when i really think about it, i know that i just can't trust him anymore. but why do i still wear him on my heart like a coat of arms? i don't find myself wondering anymore if he thinks of me. i think i've convinced myself of what i believe to be true. it might be a defense mecahnism but if it helps me to stop thinking baout him i will. i just wish it could get me to stop loving him. i wish my heart would go on vacation at least for a little while. but i think it will when i really start packing tomorrow. he tells me he still thinks things will work out between us. i sit there knowing that they won't. knowing that once i leave i'll never hear about him again. knowing that leaving just means i make it easier for the both of us to not even think about. knowing that when i leave...it really will be all over. because like she said, i already know he just won't try.

and somehow my heart is not supposed to break? i hope there is some magic that keeps it together.

and then sometimes it just hits you

There was this story he said he was trying to tell and the more i listened to this song the more i heard something i was all too familiar with. i'm living in this moment and he's defining it like its common and all i can think is, "killing me softly with his words. killing me softly." but i can't stop listening to it and i can't stop repeating it and its almost like a self destruct button i keep pressing over and over because the pain hurts so good. and then i go to sleep and wake up and forget all about it. because all night he's talking to me and i'm trying to figure out what his intentions are when he's playing it cool. but then he tells me that he was looking forward to seeing me the whole time he was at the party and there i was trying to look good so he would notice me. and he leaves just before i got there. the plan was messed up but he still sent me a message the next morning telling me all about it.

and while i'm sitting there wondering why it seems necessary for these guys i've known for so long to all of a sudden think now is there last chance to have something with me just because i'm leaving and i don't want it because it will change everything and that's not what i want to do when everything is going to change so much. i convince him that he should move to new york because he's someone i could see myself being with and although he's drunk because its his birthday he still gives me a hug and grabs my faith and kisses me as i'm leaving. i'm completely shocked as he does this in front of everyone at the party. and here i am hoping i could have just stayed with him but knowing i can't because here he was texting him all night telling him how stupid he was for the leaving the party before i got there. and yet i'm still totally unaware of where we stand and what to do and luckily for me i just don't care.

she keeps helping me with everything and i'm so grateful for everything she's done for me. and to have this set up get even better has me anticipating my departure even more. but the feeling i had when i bought that one way ticket was fear. it was this utter fear. something i don't feel very often. in fact, hardly ever. but i did. and then it instantly went away when she told me all the stuff she has set up for me and the people she has me meeting to help me with my start there.

life is constantly changing so fast and i'm glad i have her there to tell me i'm fine and that everythign i'm feeling is totally normal. and anyone in my position would do the same. because i know there's only so much i can do and i can just be who i am. i'm not obsessed with these circumstances that could make me look desperate because i'm not. and i don't need to have someone when i have my friends and everything i could want. and only heading to a place that i can imagine giving me everything i need.

if only you knew i never played love as a game with you and i was always playing for keeps. now this is all games and i don't want anything to do with it.

nevermind me

How many times will you let me change my mind?

Today was the day that would have been his 88th birthday. and i'm sitting there next to where he lays and i'm realizing that i became who he wanted me to be and still finding my way to the place he had hoped for me. and i'm happy to make him happy but crumbling inside because he isn't there to see me. to hug me and tell me i am doing the right thing. but she looks at me and tells me she knows this is the best thing for me. i watch her as she continues their rituals like he's still there waiting for her. i watch her go another year without him and i still can't believe its happened.



i told him it felt like my heart was broken and every time i tried to pick up the pieces they just kept falling out of my hands. he told me that he's seen me put so much together for myself. that i'm constantly taking care of all these parts in my life except my love life. that when it comes to my love life i just sit on the side lines and watch it happen to me. and although i'd love to get into an argument with him on this one and defend my honor. i can't because i know he's right. i mean i know i've dealth with a lot of guys that just couldn't handle what love with me would have been. but i can't keep thinking that sitting around and wondering about it is going to make it all better. because i couldn't understand why they wanted me to tell him i was leaving. and how would i even go about doing that? to do what? try to hurt him? to show him my life is moving on? he had me pinned against the wall when he said, "he chose not to be apart of your future, why let him know about it?" and i was confused up to that point. up to those words. that had me realizing he was right. when i told her she agreed. told me the best thing i could do was just leave it alone because no matter what, i don't want to hurt him. no matter how bad he broke my heart, i can't hurt him.

Nevermind me. i'll just cast shadows on your wall.

I find myself back to where i was. wondering why its so hard for people to see that you aren't hiding anything behind your words. that you are being completely and plainly honest. i said just some fun and apparently he took it as, lets be serious. um....i'm moving 3,000 miles away. you got jokes. so i'm letting it all go. letting all of it go. its so stupid. and yet the texts, the calls, the IMs, the messages, the emails never stop. and i wish it was june already.

i'm not sure what to do about it. he is such an interesting person that can take me to places i could only dream. but i don't know where our line is drawn and how to draw it if it isn't there. i think i defined it but i hate to put us in a weird position. sometimes i'm afraid of what i'm getting myself into but maybe it is as he said and we were just made to meet each other. i will find out soon enough i guess.



she stays true to who she is and continues to be the person she is. its disappointing. its sad. and its something i'm used to. she picks fights with me to make herself feel better. she takes away my birthday present which means good bye california birthday. and yet none of this is breaking me. because when i leave. that is it. none of this will matter anymore. and he tells me every day. and she tells me all the time. and its comforting. and it hits me that as of tomorrow i have 25 more days. and all i can think is, how sad it will be for them. to be alone and without anyone but each other. i guess that is a marriage. you can count me out.

love, i'm sorry. i'm sorry i can't love you anymore. i must have been dreaming. because i haven't dreamed of you for so long. i wish i could kiss the way you do and maybe you would see. apologies are so transparent in the mount of meaningless white lies. i hope one day you grow up or find me a grown up. so that we can make peace and be intertwined in a so much more sincere way. because day after day i move closer to my dreams. and every day my hopes take shape into reality. and what a shame it would be to not have you holding my hand. so love....maybe one day you'll see. finding you was always finding me.

how's it gonna be.

I wonder if there's gonna be anything that i miss. How's it gonna be when you don't know me?

I keep telling myself different things sometimes. like i'm trying to convince myself of thigns that aren't there. he keeps telling me things because he wants me to come at him a certain way. but he doesn't know i've been there. i know how that game goes. i've been played before in the same way. and i only need to have my heart broken that one time to learn my lesson. because i wish every day that i could stop missing him. every day. i wish it didn't mean anything. every time i think to myself that i don't love him. how could i? knowing good and damn well my heart still feels it. and knowing that every day it falls away a little more. every day i fall out of love with you. and i hope that the end would come so much sooner. when i'm out of sight of guys like this.

because he wanted to come. he wanted me to be there and i told him i would and never showed up. it was a mean thing to do but i wouldn't have made it anyways. i played the same game as him but he called me the "flake". I could have said a lot more. but didn't. because it doesn't matter to me anymore.

erase and rewind 'cause i've been changing my mind.

and then the countdown begins wednesday. 30 days to new york. today i really started packing. i thought it would be depressing but it was more refreshing. because i realized i'm so ready to get out of here. i need something different. we were sitting there watching it all unfold. at first i was upset because it was totally different but then realized that's what i needed. a change. and i know i'm about to get a huge culture shock soon. but i think one i'm ready for. i'm excited to start something different somewhere completely different. i've been able to finish some unfinished business lately. which has me feeling like almost everything is complete. he tells me i want to make something i am leaving behind. because in all actuality i'm not really leaving anything behind. but i don't know how much of that is true. i can name a few things i'm leaving behind that suck. i think he forgets sometimes just how much my heart was broken. and all these stupid guys that come around that excite me for a minute and then i get over. has me back to the way i used to be. which i guess can be good because i know that i am still capable of it and that i just don't fall for every one. because i really don't. i'm over these little romances in like a week and i don't want to talk to them anymore. not to say they aren't bad people. just not worth it to me. i told her i'm better off by myself. and she thinks that will only last till i get there.

what a hell of a way to jump off the edge.

out of sight, out of mind

i didn't know what i was doing. but the i got the answers, it was like something might have clicked. I should have sent him that message and i shouldn't have probably done anything at all. but then he responded. I told him the truth behind my actions. how i was packing stuff and found the things he had given me while we were together. and i just wanted to tell him thank you. to show a little appreciation for the things he had done for me. because he was a great guy. a great boyfriend. and the one who really loved me. he just wasn't the one for me. which is hard to understand from all of that. but we just didn't speak the same language. it was like i was an alien on his planet and he just didn't try to understand me. he told me he did all of those things because i am a great girl. and then i realized this happened because here i was thinking this guy hated me for breaking his heart. but he was humble. and sweet to say those things to me. and i know we can't be friends but to know he said those things and we could really end things that way made me feel like the whole thing was even more resolved than before.

then the second one came. when i had to ask him a question. and not so much a question but more like a favor. things had stopped so suddenly with us i wasn't sure if i was over stepping but just wanted to take the chance. he too told me i was someone he would always remember. and in a sense of happiness. Which made me feel good that we could still be on talking terms in such a casual way after everything. and i started realizing again it was the same kind of situation. not to say all of these circumstances will turn around like this because there are some i hope to never turn to. I just like that there were at least some that could be set to the right light enough to let it go and move on.

"I was wrong. You were right." "Boy, i'm over you. I got nothing to say."

and then i'm finding myself in the same old spot in other places. he acts of interest and then the moments of opportunity arise and he's out like i'm that chick. like i'm that girl who's going to bite onto the idea that i have to chase when he backs off. but he doesn't know. i only did that for one person. one person i actually cared about. and i swear on my common sense i'm never doing that ever again. I learned my lesson once and i don't have time for those games. I told him i only have 30 days. so if he wants to get up to this and get to know me. knows the time. take advantage of the time available. so ignoring him isn't anything that takes any skin off my back. in fact i'm ready to let it go. because those other ones could have told you that you missed out. in fact i'm more than positive they did let you know i was down. ready to chill and just have some fun. its the funny the way guys say one thing out their neck sometimes and get what they ask for and then finally speak the truth from their actions. whatever.

i'm not trying to get caught up in the sad realizations of boys who aren't quite men. because when it comes down to it, those guys who told me the truth. who were the previous guys i was talking about. who could have given a shit about anything i had to say, are older. and know its better to keep things real instead of dealing with fake games that aren't going to get anybody anywhere. so that we can still be cordial and its perfectly fine.

and yet i'm still hopeful. she said i should know by now that i'm something worth loving when the hearts i've broken still tell me i'm a great girl. that even at my worst i'm still someone worth caring about. fiction is the predecessor to fact. I really hpe i'm not crazy for thinking love is still a tangible fact that i can still attain through all this fiction that keeps getting in my way.

love, won't you love you me?

when i reminisce over you...my God.

i don't know what i'm thinking. but i find myself smiling and laughing. and feeling like i have some kind of school girl crush. its too funny. but i'm trying to keep it all at arms length because really...i don't want it. i'd rather not have it. i need to focus back on what's real and that hit me today. they told me i had missed the summer window but asked me to apply for the fall. i'm hoping its because they like what they saw with my sample works. working for them would be a lot of fun for sure and open a few more windows for me. so i'll give it another shot and hope for the best. make sure i get myself somewhere where i can get something solid. and this was not exactly a no just a come back later. so that keeps me hopeful. and i have to ask him later about the bigger stuff which has me super nervous but he does kind of owe me. not really. but kind of.

tomorrow i have to keep going through all of this crazy. its just intense to me to know that this is happening. and its coming so close. i'm almost at 30 days. after next week i'll be there. and i'm under a lot of stress at the same time. but i know i can do this. i still want this more than anything and i'm going to make it. its kind of funny because i keep reading these things about people visualizing these goals for themselves and having a higher percentage of achieving what they want because of these visualizations. i do that all the time. at least i find myself doing it all the time. i hope its true in that case.

i know what he's trying to do with the dinner and its sad but kind of a relief at the same time. it means he hasn't changed at all. he still intends to do what he always does. and although he tries to mask it with an attempted effort. its not. i know exactly what it is. and its just another thing to hold over my head if i ever doubt his parental capabilities. i told her if it wasn't for her parents, i wouldn't have the parental support i really needed. i'm grateful for them every day and i plan on repaying them for everything they've done for me one of these days. i don't know where i would be at this point without them.

hope is a funny thing that can get me stuck in some places but i keep having this utter hope and faith in something bigger than myself. i don't need to be saved. or at least i don't feel like i need to be. i was explaining to her not to be afraid of getting hurt because we can't know joy and love without the pain and the hurt. i was talking and realized i was talking to myself. not that i'm afraid of getting hurt. i've already been hurt enough to not be afraid of it anymore. but i think its more of an anger. its like this undertone of anger under my breath when i let myself think about love. i know its because of feelings i let myself have this last time. i'm so used to keeping that all in check. but i just couldn't. i know it was for my own good but when the dust settled, i was angry. i know that goes hand and hand with the hurt. now the indifference is starting to settle in. and i know that's supposed to happen. but for the longest time i didn't let that happen and i couldn't and i didn't know if i wanted it to. i still don't know if i want it to. that sincere feeling i had for him was so real. it hurts to let it stay and it hurts to let it go. so here i am, saying hello and goodbye to the hurt all at the very same time. and i thought it would bother me to know he moved on and didn't care about me anymore. but it didn't. and i think its because of him. i knew he was waiting to see me 2 days after and i was nervous and excited to see him. and now he stays in my days and he keeps my mind somewhere else than the hurt. and for now i'm grateful. he was the exact dose i needed to heal this pain.

i almost regret telling him the way i felt. telling him that i wish i had a real good bye then the one i mindless involved myself in. i didn't know what i was saying or what i was doing when i said good bye. i went instantly numb after the first sentence he said to me that i hardly knew where i was or what i was saying. so i walked away. and left without a fuss. and soon after find out i'm moving 3000 miles away and never really getting to say good bye the way i wish i could've. and tell him that of all people might not have been the smartest thing to do but there's no taking back now. just living with what i've done and its bearable enough that i think i'm okay. i know i won't get my good bye and that's what i need to tell myself.

don't play no game that i can't win.

back in the thick of it. how do i keep getting myself back here? i need to chill and i thnk today i might have finally done that. and tomorrow i'll be even closer. it was all nice and we had a good time. he picked me up and i liked his car. i was a little unimpressed with his suggestions but hey, he's a guys guy. whatever. the dinner was still nice and he was definitely a gentleman. we joked, we laughed. like i said i had a good time. we left and tried to get dessert somewhere else but the wait was intense. but it was okay because we got more time to talk and it came naturally. the conversations were fun and i started finding myself actually really liking the guy.

and then i had to step back. like 10 steps back. because there were 3 rule breakers i found and when i told her she told me i was right. but it still makes me want it more. and i need to stop because we both know i'm leaving and this isn't anything serious. so he dropped me off. ended the date with a memorable last line i swear i'll never forget. and i went on my way. but then he told me he had a good time and he wanted to hang out with me. and again for that matter. and then i found myself stepping forward again. so i let it go the next day. followed the standard rules and lost hope until 10 came around and i had the girls in my car. she was sitting next to me bringing him up and at the moment she said his name there he was on my phone like he waited for the right moment and i felt my heart jump a little. but then drop again when i couldn't read him. the next day came and nothing until i made the mistake and again another pass. and i couldn't read him. so i did how i do and just said "forget it" which actually came out of my mouth as a "fuck it".

but then he comes in again and i can't help myself. and what does it matter if its just for fun? what does it matter when it has an expiration date? i just want to get to the fun stuff. i get the gentleman stuff and i appreciate it definitely and i like hanging around him and i think that's really the fun stuff i just want to hang out more and have that fun stuff more often. i think that's it. because it really is...fun. because when he i tell him i know i'm quirky and he says its cute. i just want to be around him all the time. it sounds stupid and girlie. that i just want to be around him because he gave me a compliment. but that's not it at all. its because i just like being around him. and i'm ok with it having an expiration date. its just perfect that way.