You did it yet again. And I shouldn't be surprised and im not just disappointed. She said you're never going to be that guy. And you're never going to give me the apology I want. He said one day we would have a topical relationship. And now I realize I don't want one at all like I haven't for the last 6 months. To deny what you said and act like you did nothing wrong so you wouldn't have to show face is just so sad.
You turn around and yell at me like I did something wrong but you were the one that told me to my face that I didn't matter to you and you didn't care. To deny that now and say" if sorry is what you want then im sorry." What the hell is that? Cause I can tell you right now that's no apology.
But there are 3000 miles between us now and I don't need to see or speak to you ever again if I don't want to and im perfectly okay with that. Especially now. So im giving you what you've asked for and don't worry about hearing from me again. I don't care anymore about what you say or do because im moving past you. Its sad because all I kept thinking was" why doesn't my father want me? Why can't he try for me?" And I realized that's why I end up dating the guys that I do. And now I just want to stay away. And find peace here on the other side.
Because I will not collapse anymore because of you or anyone like you.
And there's this burning, like there's always been. i've never been so alone and i've...i've never felt so alive.
I'm starting to feel something weird. not like i'm completely numb anymore there's something there but it hasn't completely come to the surface yet. sometimes it comes and sometimes it goes and I think its just me finding my way back to normality. There's still a heaviness in the pit of my stomach or the center of my chest. But its gradually getting lighter with every step i take to getting myself situated. There's still a lot to conquer but I think I'm somewhat ready.
He texted me and I still don't feel much. It's entertaining to say whatever there is to say about it but nothing to call home about. I just feel bored with that kind of stuff right now. He finally got the hint I think when I somewhat ignored what he was saying to me that day. My friend laughed about it later but I think he felt bad for him too. I don't want to hurt anyone I just don't want to be involved.
She called to complain. She gave me a lecture on why I should call him. But I told her I don't want to and there's no need to. We don't have a relationship anymore and I'm okay with that. I could tell he got upset when I talked to him about it but that's because that's a scab that won't ever heal for him. I can't say I completely feel indifferent to it because it hurts every time. But I plan to nip it in the butt on sunday and just tell him straight out. Things will never be the same. He ruined everything for us. and there's no going back.
I wish more people would just stop doing that.
I guess he was right when he asked, "why is it that the ones you really love are the ones that make you feel like you want to die?"
him: I bet your that girl who never comes across someone who doesn't love you whether it be right away or gradually.
me: I'm sure I have people who hate me.
him: Yes, but you're haters love to hate you so it still counts.
me: That might be true, but i at least know of one person.
him: Who?
me: The only person I ever really loved was the one person that never really loved me.
so my birthday ended up being much more than I had ever anticipated. I worked and although it was a crazy day, it was still pay day and everyone at work wished me a happy birthday. well my friends did. they also offered to take me out when they got off work. I had planned to go see Beats, Rhymes and Life after work, which I did. It was a great movie but seemed a lot like a VH1 Behind The Music special. He had asked me if we could do something when he got off work. I had told him about the movie and that i wouldn't get out till way after he got off work. But when I walked out the movie theater, he was there. waiting for me. Most girls would think it was incredibly romantic. But it made me uncomfortable. he walked with me back to the park and bought me a drink while i waited for the girls.
he has an incredibly tragic life that makes him quite an endearing person. But I just don't want to date. i'm not in that mind space. I see it in his eyes and he keeps telling me how beautiful my eyes are the songs that come to his head every time he sees me. It is incredibly sweet but I just can't. We were at the bar when the girls came to meet up. We had a few drinks and an all around good time until the park closed and she told us about this gay bar down the street. I had never been to one and thought "why not?" so we went and they let me in for free since it was my birthday. The bartenders were shirtless with amazing bodies. He was one of the hottest guys I had seen in person in a really long time. She told him it was my birthday and he gave me a free drink and a free shot. We went to dance for a little bit and I came back to the bar for another drink. He started talking to me and then he asked if he could give me his number. He gave it to me on a napkin and I was in shock. This guy is way out of my league but I told him I would text him the next day.
We left and he walked me to the train station. He was telling me this story about how he found out his ex was cheating on him but he still believed in love. I told him my last relationship really fucked me up and I don't. The I told him I had to go and hopped onto the train. Then I took out my phone and texted the bartender. He told me he wanted to meet up soon. I said okay and finally got to sleep the next day on my day off.
I saw him at work the next day and he again was acting a little too clingy for me. I stayed distracted with work and my friends. While I was on the train, I wanted to text him, but i distracted myself by reading instead. The other one kept texting me but I just started ignoring his texts. Today he invited me to a play tomorrow night, but I told him I had plans. Then he texted me and I was a little shocked especially when he said he wanted to talk more, but it was of course when he asked me what I do. I think I need to start lying or not telling anyone I write for a music magazine. It's like once I say that, all of a sudden they are a producer, musician, or something similar and then I become interesting. Oh well, we'll see because I still just don't want to date.
I like having my fun with my friends and right now, that's the way I want to keep it.
Days keep flying by and I'm trying to snatch them up as quick as I can so I can remember where they are and who they belong to. I've been working non stop which will pay off this friday which is coincidently my birthday. Another birthday which doesn't go right. Because I will be in this big city alone. I'll have my friends at work because I work that day. But I wont have my family, my best friend, or my other friends. Everything with them either already happened or is waiting till after. So i've decided to treat myself to a movie after work and head home for my 2 days off after and live happily on my couch.
I'm not going to lie. Im a bummed/sad that im going to be alone on my birthday. But would it really be my birthday if it went right and I had everyone I love around me? What is it about my birthday that karma is like, "time to taketh away"? Oh well im used to it by now. What's really crazy is to think I was in London this time last year and how much everything has changed. It was then that I knew I was going to come to new York. I didn't know how yet I just knew I was.
They asked me today if I had a boyfriend because they all do. Im the only one who doesn't. They want to set me up if they can. I just don't want to. While the other ones look at me like im a tasty dessert. Too bad im not. Its not that im bitter. Just still really pissed off. Which just means im still hurt. And I have no idea why. My heart is no longer in love. My mind on the other hand has some issues. I present myself with all the facts and yet still find a way to think" yah, but..." which really needs to go. I know its been 6 months. But here I am thinking, does he even remember its going to be my birthday. Another foolish thought I trick myself into thinking.
Soon enough it will all be over and soon enough everything will turn around. My life is changing so quickly. Its even hard for me to keep up. But it all got slammed to a screeching halt last night when she told me they were living in a hotel in a place they know nothing about. I couldn't help but cry thinking about them like that and feeling so helpless because I would give anything to take them and change their lives. But I can't do anything. It might seem like I have options. But I don't. I keep trying to think of alternatives but they all have dead ends. I need a bulletproof soul.
I know im meant to be here based on the way things have been going. But I know im not there yet. I know there's more for me to find.
My new job is a little tough to say the least but i'm starting to get a handle on it and my managers keep telling me i'm doing a good job. I'm going to try and do everything i can to make my way to the top and this first week was only the beginning. It's only a matter of time from this point. The hardest part of being here is looking for an apartment but hopefully if this week goes well I will have one by the end of the month. I have 2 apartments to go visit this week so hopefully all goes well.
We met up on the corner. I felt like i was in one of those movies. WE hadn't seen each other in 5 years. and there he was all of a sudden in front of me. WE practically ran to each other and gave a huge hug. The first words that came out of his mouth were, "You look exactly the same." and that kind of stuck to me. It wasn't the future plans to eat, party, and go sight seeing. It wasn't the future travel plans. It wasn't anything else. It was that one sentence right there. When I told him he said, "yah, because you look exactly the same to him, you remind him now of the way he felt about you back then. and because you look the same he now realizes those feelings are still the same." It made me think for a second because I don't want to date anyone right now. and I convinced myself that he doesn't have those feelings. It was so long ago and I had a boyfriend and nothing happened between us, except the expensive sneakers he got me that I wore all the time. She says she thinks he still has those feelings. and when they both agree, they're usually right. I don't know. I didn't go to see him on his birthday. Not because I didn't want to, but more because I was going into the city the next day for work and just didn't see how I could make it there and back in time. But i'm not really fretting over the whole thing and just kind of letting it play out. right now he's my friend that i've known for a long time now. and its nice to have someone who grew up in new york and knows the ins and outs that i have to hang out with. and on top of all that, i've always really liked hanging out with him. even though sometimes he can be a little full of himself, he's always been able to really make me laugh.
i really like my life here. I got to meet soem really great people this past thursday beside the nice people i've met at work. minus the guys that look at me like they're going to eat me for dessert. I covered this even for work and it was so much fun and like the stars aligned or something of the sort. we met and she was my photographer. a fellow californian with the heart of an angel, i swear. I felt so lucky to meet her who was more than willing to introduce me to all the people i need to be introduced to. and all i could think was this is the beginning of a great friendship for sure. Now I just need to get one of these apartments in the city and my life will be complete as of right now, until i push myself farther to something i really want.
my birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. well more like 12 days. kinda crazy. But the downside of moving here a month before my birthday is everyone will be gone. i'm literally going to be alone in the city for my birthday. my brother will be in california. my best friend in new mexico. my friend in new orleans. and my other friends in california. so here i am on the east coast and everyone is either going west or south. i'm a little sad about it because i literally have to be alone on my birthday. but it kind of makes sense. when have i ever had a birthday that went well? i think the closest i got was last year being in london with my best friend but even that one had some drama. I hope one day that changes.
