Only if for a night

I have a problem with letting myself be loved. Yes ok i have daddy issues that i'm obviously still overcoming. Everyone wants to say one thing and do another and i've always been skeptical of people because of that. I've been working on it and slowly getting over it. but i push because i realize you shouldn't be treated like that. I don't want to make things worse so i pull myself out of the equation. And sometimes i realize that it only hurts more because i need you. But sometimes I get scared because sometimes you remind me of him. The way you talk to me sometimes. The way it takes 3 to 4 criticisms to get to the one nice comment. When I realize that i can count on both hands how many times you've called me pretty or beautiful in the last year. You tell me i'm sexy when we're being sexy, the only other time i can remember is when i was in my bathing suit in the bahamas. and maybe a time or two before that. I think i just worry of being with someone like him. I'm scared of being in that situation and loving you so much i can't/won't leave. I don't want that kind of criticism all the time. I already criticize myself enough for the rest of the world. Sometimes I feel like i suffocate myself with it. There was so much more expected from me and i'll never achieve those expectations in this lifetime or the next three after it. I have to learn to let myself be loved. I know you love me. I know you can't live without me. I know i mean so much to you. But i'm afraid of what that means sometimes when all i want is to know that the things you say aren't what you think right when you see me. That when you make a sharp comment its not what you really think when you look at me. I have to learn to let myself be loved. love, love, love is a verb. loved. loves. loved. love.

Rivers and Roads

There are these moments when I consider that what I feel is really real. There are these times that I let myself fall so deep in love with you and I know I've written that somewhere before but now it seems to overwhelming from times. It scares me just as much as it used to but there is something so much more about it. I've never known myself to love anyone the way I love you. The way he asks me if I see a future and I immediately think yes. I want things. To you, you see them in a one dimensional way sometimes. I know I say superficial and that isn't the best adjective for it. But when I see things I look so deep into it and that might not always be such a good thing because I get myself so caught up in all of it but I think that's why when we talk things out and I explain it all to you, its easier for you to understand and get a little more comfortable with. Moving in to me, is me wanting to make a home with you. That's really all it is. I couldn't put it more plainly and abstractly than that. I want to build a home with you. Because at the end of my day, you are who I want to come home to. And even when I'm mad at you or I don't want to see you, I'll find a way to be alone and so will you. But at the end of the day, I just want a home with you. Somewhere in all of your misconstrued and valid opinions I know you want the same thing. This is real and this is everything. I've never known myself to be so open to the idea of a future with someone the way I am with you. Before it was all about either wanting what I couldn't have and finding out the hard way it was never what I wanted to begins with or having the things I didn't need and just realizing that. But there wasn't a time when I looked into someone's eyes and knew that this was the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Until that night, until that one night you whispered in my ear and my skin crawled with chills and I felt myself exhale. We were always meant to be, even when we didn't know it. I know I still have to work on trusting you again. At times I think I make it too easy for you as if you don't have to try anymore. I don't know where to draw that line all the time. That's a place I still have to figure out. I feel it getting better, but I just don't think you've changed much to make me feel any different. In that song you sent, all I heard was "Even if I want to, I won't." Discipline is something to respect, but that's beyond the point. The point is, why would you want to? That's where my concern is. I don't know why you would want to. He said it wasn't anything too serious but that it was still morally wrong. That's what it is. There was a moral to that story and there was a fault in it. Morally there was a crime committed. And then two weeks later, I have to sit and compromise myself again because of something so stupid. That's when I wish love was enough. When love was enough o conquer immoral transgressions. But it isn't supposed to be enough or people would commit immoral crimes all the time. I guess what I'm trying to say is, its still something I think about from time to time because you might think you've done everything, but you haven't really changed anything. You tell me things in times of desperation. But I need those words. In times when I'm trying to trust you again, I need the words to match the actions. And they haven't done that yet. And I honestly need different actions. There hasn't been anything that different either. Come to think of it. You have never treated me badly and I know you won't but usually when something goes wrong its because something needs to change. For you, mentally maybe something has changed, but I don't know exactly what that is. This is why I love you so much it scares me. Sometimes I just want you to write me a letter telling me how you feel. So I can have it to look at every time I'm feeling doubtful. So I won't have to keep harping you about telling me. Just something to let it all out. There's always more to building a home than building walls.

Revelations

Last night I had a dream about you. We were here sitting in a park. You were telling me about her and I was telling you about him and everything was fine. I was eating mamoncillos and you asked me what they were. I told you they were quenepas and you took the branch in your hand. The leaves began to wrap themselves around your neck. I told you to be careful, but you told me you were fine. and you were as if you didn't care. In that moment I realized that it doesn't matter how I feel about any of this. Not that it doesn't matter so much as it doesn't matter to my situation or yours. Regardless if i'm at peace, angry, sad, whatever. It isn't going to change anything. That's what I needed to understand.
Sitting across from her at that table and talking about everything in such a real way she knows what it is. We sat and she tells the story from your side which is why I think she always defends you. she was you in her situation and I was him. The one that had to learn to be patient. the one that had to stick it out even when you left. She left him too and she was the one that came back and knows how that feels. Sometimes I think I do have to remind myself that this is fresh for you and that you are really starting over in this. This is a fresh start. I like that I can sit with her and tell her exactly how I feel not feel judged but that's how its always been. she knows that I worry from time to time about your past situation because I had talked to her about it the day I read your note. and talking about it and then reading that just really freaked me out. I think that was more the basis of my freak out than anything else. Because if someone could come back from your past and make you think or do that the way you did then what is going to happen if you the one that was serious comes back tomorrow? I have to trust you. I have to trust in you. And in us to know that I don't have to worry about it. But she is right. For both of those things to happen on the same day really put my mind in a funk and it makes me sick to think about because the way you worry about losing me is the I worry about losing you. And now I have to think that the place you took that circumstance is hopefully the farthest you would ever take it in the eyes of temptation. God save me, I'm so tired of feeling like I have to talk myself out of my fears of abandonment because the subject is just so worn thin.
I don't think my fears are as severe as they were but I think that whole situation shook me up more than I told you or even more than I thought and I think that's because I wasn't as secure in the idea that I was the only one. Or that you didn't still think of that person in your past. I think that has to do with the fact that the communication wasn't there as much as it could have been and I realize that it makes me feel like you're hiding something. When you can't tell me how you feel how do I know its what you're feeling? It took that situation for me to really know and now I do, but before that I was finding myself questioning you. I never want to question you and not say anything about it because I just couldn't. With me, that only furthers my fears because I don't want to project and force you to say things when I know you don't want to say them. Then to hav that thought in my mind and read that. Oh God. to read those words. I thought it was all over and I was right. It wasn't even about what it was really about. And even then, I have to trust that that's what really happened when my mind was already where you put it. Nowi'm typing this and its really all coming out. I didn't know I still felt like this.
I love you. and that's putting it lightly. There is this way that you think about someone in this organic sincere way that is how I think about you. When I think of our love, its like it flows out of my body and intertwines with yours. And even with all of that, I still have to get over these thoughts I have. It's just that situation scared me. more than I let myself believe. I trust in what you said, but its going to take me some time I think to let go of those fears. I know you said you would do what you could to win back my trust. I believe you. I just think that now that I realized what this really was about, makes me understand more now what needs to be done. This fear won't be here forever. Because at the end of it all, you are the end all be all and I've known that for quite some time.
disappointment is a word I've become accustomed to. talking to you almost makes my skin crawl. you ruin all of my happiness and hope in a single sentence like its second nature and by this time it just is. I don't know why I still let it get to me. I guess because at some point I thought I might get your approval but I know now that's never going to happen and I need to just let that go. I need to let it go. I need to let it go. I need to let it go. just let go. just let go. just let go.....just breathe.

Everything

Once there was a time when this song was my favorite. I was a teenager hoping and praying love was still something possible. I thought about it all the time that i almost obsessed about it. It was also at a time when no one did. and they all let me know they didn't and couldn't. I went a long time with that constantly being the case and somewhere in the back of my mind I feel like i carried this song next to Sade's "King of Sorrow". Then there was soldier of love which I think has won over all. Because most of me wanted to just give up so bad and I think a lot of me did. slowly the feeling took its time to come back and make what its become now. It still has a long road ahead but the hope is starting to grow more. I saw the words and I didn't feel anything. I then saw the photos all over facebook and instagram and still didn't feel anything. I was more proud of myself in that moment that i didn't. There was so much hurt and heartbreak there for so long. Which is evident in all of my posts from those years. It took me a while to get over everything and to finally let it all go and i let the last of it go when i ripped up everything that was left and threw it away. It was a huge part of my past because it was that moment I thought I had finally let myself really love somebody and I did. But no for who you were. Not for who we were. But for the potential I thought we could be. None of it was real. Everything was this idea I had made up in my minds drowning in my "what ifs" like they were my salvation. I thought you were everything I needed, and it turned out you weren't even close to it. I appreciate the experience because I can appreciate going through the heartbreak I did. The pain that occurred because more than ever it made me realize the incredible love I am have and am capable of now. The next day it did feel a little weird. News I knew I would hear eventually and I did feel weird. But it all went away with him. It all went away because of him. He saved me from myself. I don't know how much he'll ever believe that or know it. But it is the truth. I neglected to stop it in that moment. I know you thought I didn't think of you. I did. I chose wrong and I apologize for that. I should have just realized the situation. Its new for me to consider how much you care now. Just as much as its new for you. I shouldn't make the excuse that you've never cared before but that's where my head was. I didn't think anything of it. But I'm starting to realize there are things that I have to know just because I don't take them as seriously, that you might and I need to think about that. It was never something I was trying to do to make you jealous or weird. Because you usually don't get jealous or weird. There was a boundary there and now I know that. I get letting you be mad at me for a little bit. and i get that when i'm mad i need to yell for a little bit to get over it. You seem to want to be quiet to get over it. I don't think that's going to help because I know us talking it out sometimes helps you more but I can't force you and I can't do anything about it if you don't want to so i sit there quietly and let you be angry at me because I don't know what else to do or to say. and I want to give you your space. But I hope you always believe i would never do anything to purposely hurt you. I want to be happy in the way things are going right now but i'm not. I'm not doing what i want and although this opportunity is better than the situation i'm in right now, its not what i want. I start to doubt myself and wonder what i'm doing with myself. I'm taking the deal because its the only one to take right now. I can always get out of it and i'm going to keep trying for other things. I just need something else. I don't feel happy to have this. Although, i should be grateful. But i feel unhappy. and the only time i do feel happy is when he's around. so when he's unhappy and i'm trying to cheer him up and can't i just start to feel...I don't know i guess i just.... I have to believe that despite my unhappiness, there is a plan for me. I can hide what I will, but there is a plan, and its meant for me. and as i've learned so many times before, I have to take the bad to get the good. to appreciate the good. and to know when it gets here.

Better

I want to be better. I want to be better all the time. I'm a difficult person. Full of complications. My life sometimes spirals so far from my reach. I've put you through a lot by now I know and you've done well to keep a level head and put me in my place. But sometimes I feel like I have to work so hard for your love. I'm happy to do it as long as there is reciprocation. I know the type of person you are the kind of relationship I was getting myself into. Loving you has always been an honest feeling for me. But loving me still feels so foreign. There are these times when you say things that really hurt and I can't help but feel hurt about it. She says I need to learn how to let those things go. And I know that but it gets hard to do sometimes when it hurts in the way it does.mand I know I guilt trip, but there's a side of me that wants you to know how I'm feeling. I get frustrated with the things around me. Especially lately.

Evolution

I've never seen fear than that moment I looked in his eyes as I was about to walk out the door. There was this pure moment of desperation as he grabbed my arm. I had enough of the silence. I was making a point. I need the words. I needed to know. and i was slipping through his fingers if he couldn't tell me. But it was all like a bad dream. It was by accident. completely by accident. I thought I was going to be looking at my e-mail. until the first one that popped up on the screen was the words I never wanted to read. The pain was instant. The feeling of my chest caving in had ruined me. my stomach couldn't take the stress and my hand was shaking as I dialed his number on my phone. He didn't see it coming but had a feeling. I raised my voice and I yelled. Now that I knew, I just needed to know. My heart was breaking just waiting and when the first words were an obvious lie, it was like a nail right down the middle with one more hit, it would have cracked and broken into a million pieces. I scavenged for my last bits of hope as his truths began to finally come through. Something so stupid, but so lethal all the same. His nervous laugh is where I couldn't stop my anger. It was as though he was laughing at my pain. I was hurt and trust was gone. And in my mind it was over. It was like an out of body experience and I was watching myself walking away. Not because I wanted to but solely because I wasn't sure if I could let myself be in a situation that would hurt me this much. I could hear the apologies in his words, and the sounds of his voice made it real. But these conversations over phone lines are not going to be fixed so easily. I went to sleep knowing he wouldn't. I woke up feeling utterly empty. I looked over to find his words of shame. But I still felt nothing. For a moment I was afraid that maybe the love had really left my body while i was sleeping. But then I realized as i was sitting on the train, the pain was seeping back into my body which could only mean love. I was hardly living, when I had finally had enough. I called her and she made it clear to me as she usually does. she talked me out of my tree and brought me back into the light. But I needed to see his face when he explained himself. He waited outside for me. We walked in silence. We moved in silence. We sat in silence. I needed to wash my body of the days turmoil. I sat there and asked him why. He sat in silence and i just couldn't take it. This was a moment of do or die. and he sat in silence. I told him I would leave without words. and he sat in silence. I had enough when I got up. but his eyes i can still see when i close mine. He expressed his fears and I understand but I can't understand detroying the thing you love the most. But then again, neither does he. Our lives are becoming intertwined and he never accepted it until now. That feeling of utter pain from the thought of losing everything was everything in itself. That moment he laid his head in my lap and the truths of his real fears came out, I couldn't help but want everything we are in that moment. I never knew just how much he loves me until then, and I'm sure he didn't either. There has only been one other time when he showed me and told me how much he wanted and needed me. And even this time was much more than that. This time his love finally came out flowing around use like the perfect wave. He wouldn't let me go, afraid that i might magically disappear from his sight. The next night we talked, we walked, we embraced, and when he took me home, we made love for the very first time. The music was filling the room as his hands moved down my back and I could feel his skin on mine. I could feel his love with every passionate kiss. I knew in that very moment the things I had always known from the moment I knew I love him. The man I would spend forever with was holding me in his arms and the world around us seemed perfectly at peace.

the real thing

In these moments I let myself fall so deep in love with you. Although I wish you had your own words to say to me to tell me just how much I mean to you. But I think that is just me wanting more. I love hearing the words you tell me when you do. It is far and few between and although you tell me you love me practically every day sometimes I just want something else. I want to know why. Why you love me and why I mean something to you. I might sound selfish and I probably am, but I can't get enough of this love. The night could not have gone better. She sang our song and she sang this song. We went to one of the places we love and ate great with drinks. We went out and had more drinks and it made me feel so great to know that we can spend time together like that and enjoy each others company and not get enough. You give me such confidence and I love it. The night was perfect. You brought me flowers that were purple because its my favorite color. they sat us at our own table and we ate amazing food and spent some great quality time together. They brought us our own dessert with a happy anniversary note. A year since our first date and although we didn't start off on the best of terms, we've grown so much and I can see it in you all the time. There is something real. This is something real. and I see it every day

tip toes

Sometimes there are these times when I find myself not just a fork in the road, but with multiple prongs so to speak. There are opportunities to be had but there are failures at my fingertips. I want to make the right choices but it seems to be that i've only ever learned most from my mistakes. and so i continue to make them thinking that i'm making the right choices. I can let myself bury further into my hole but a part of me is still fighting. which is exactly why I get excited when even a small glimpse of hope presents itself. But at the same time i am not hopeful. I let myself fall into the same routines hoping to forget i have things i have given up on. I want to write. It has always been everything. To write. and here i am writing to myself like its suppose to open the door of my conscience to find exactly where and what i should be writing. My imagination almost left and i had to restart it all. Sometimes i wish I could do just like the ones i see who drop everything and travel to a far off land to live for a month. and I know a part of me knows I can do it, but I have other things i want more here. I have traveled much in my life as is to be able to be satisfied with the circumstances now. I have plans and ideas. wishes and dreams. I can make magic happen if I still believe it will. But I go through these random times when I feel like i'm losing it all again. But then there is a taste of optimism that keeps me fighting to eat on the life i have always wanted for myself. more or less the life i've always wanted for them. He calls me and I can hear the despair in his voice. I can hear the tragedy of wanting to just be loved. He wants so badly to just be loved the way she has ruined her life to find it. The way I doubt it will ever happen the way I hope. He talks as if all hope is lost and at times I find myself just wanting to shout because with all the bitching and moaning there is only a blame game that circles the drain to their marriage. They want to fight, and they don't want to fight, but they really don't want to do anything about it. They don't want to sit and just admit that for one of them, the love is just gone. But then what do you do? there are children. there is a marriage. but more importantly, there is a woman and a man who were supposed to love each other till the end. I can understand his pain. I get that we grew up a particular way. We grew up always having to prove that were worth loving and we always hoped to find that person that could. it was always a mission in life, but I chose different. I chose to put myself first. No matter how selfish that was. I chose my career path. it led me across the nation. I continue it here and because of it, i found the one who loves me. By any means that it turns out to change, I know I found the one who loves me. And i love him. My brother has lost himself in his idea of love that has been lost on a cold heart. He hopes to warm again, but i'm afraid its been lost in its ways too long to see him anymore. I can only hope for the kids, but the kids are alright.

Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow

I have come to realize more than ever now, that every day is a new day. I feel like I'm stuck in quicksand and every time I try to move I am pulled further down into the sand and just can't get out. They keep telling me that something will come soon and a part of me has lost my faith. A large part of me. It seems as though my life was always meant to be one way. I've come accustomed to the tragedies. But so,we here deep inside of me , I am hoping the way he does. The way he hopes so etching will change that will bring back the love he always hoped he had. I guess I should take my own advice which is always harder said than done. 

If you want something to change, you have to change something in yourself first. Nothing will change if you don't change anything. So maybe that's where my problem is. I have put myself in a place where I expect change but haven't changed anything. But then again, a lot has changed.

I am accepting to the idea of change. I gave my ideas of him leaving, because he hasn't and I believe him to have a larger fear of me leaving than vice versa. I abandoned my idea that he couldn't love me because he compromises so much for me, not to love me. It's in the way he touches me, the gentle kisses, the way he looks at me, the way he shows me, even if I can't get the words, I know it's there and I can only hope that eventually he will tell me more.

A change will come with change. I've opened my heart to new things and I can only hope for the best because I want him every day. I want to him to stay. I want him in my life. And I want to love him the best way that I can for the rest of my life. Everything else will find its way.

write, writing, written

I don't know why I ever stopped writing as much as i did. Never again. It is where I find peace. It is where i find everything. Everything I have ever been I've learned from my writing. I have to trust myself. I know I can just to conclusions and make assumptions. But I also know when I finally calm down and think rationally its all there in front of me and I can wake up knowing, you've never done anything besides love me. People can view it the way they want and they can say it the way they want. "How do you know for sure?" because there were tears, there were words riddled with pain, there were emotions, there was hurt, there was heart break. Not in a superficial kind of way. But in this sincere kind of way that I knew he loved me. I knew why he was doing it and I know how much it pained him to do it. He never wanted to leave me that time and that's why it only took 10 days. 10 days to change it, and less than that to know how much he cared. He's never given me anything less than exactly who he is and its always been enough for me. It's always been everything. That's how i always knew. I've always known. I love him. I would do even more than I already have just so he would know. He does things he doesn't want to do to show me how much he loves me. (Even though he ends up having a good time when he didn't think he would.) He makes compromise for me and not because he's obligated, but because he wants to see me smile. I see him so clearly. I feel the way he loves me when he walks into the room. It wraps me up in its warmth and takes my mind away from my stress. He kisses me just to feel my vibes change. He wants to take care of me in all the ways he can. I can never fault him for that. I am so lucky. I know all I have. I might let my insecurities get the best of me from time to time, but he defeats them even when they last longer than they should. We are still learning about each other, but even with every hill to climb He holds my hand, he catches me when I slip, he encourages me to keep climbing, and I will always make sure I have his back. I will protect him, I will take care of him, and I will most importantly always accept HIM. I will see Him for who he is and never make him out to be anyone he is not. Love was never anything meant for me. Love was never supposed to find me. Love was always supposed to over look me. But then it proved me wrong. He proved me wrong. And this is only the beginning. you have all of me.

dreaming

Sometimes I realize that my insecurities get the best of me. I look for things. for reasons why i have to be right. mainly about you. i feel this crazy need to know that you are a cheater, liar, insincere, whatever. Everyone has abandoned me and so have you at one time. and I know I make it seem like you'll never live that down. You have really. I know the other night i had that dream but that wasn't about you leaving me. it really had nothing to do with that. I have these other fears that i let me hidden behind another one. There's always something there. I know that, and i'm really trying to get through them. i'm really trying to free myself from it all, but it just seems like for everyone its been one reason or another. I know i need to remind myself that there is a reason why there was one reason or another. I was never supposed to be with any of them. They were never the person that I was supposed to meant for. I know that. I really do. I know i had to go through all of that heartbreak to know when something is good. I know that you are good. I know that you love me. I know that i love you deeply. But that scares me down to my core. Its supposed to. That vulnerability that has me hoping you won't break the heart I so shakenly put in your hand. I want to be confident you won't, but confidence is was broke my heart so badly before. Always knowing what I wanted and thinking i could have it. I like to believe that this time we have something we both want. Mistakes were made. problems solved. and although sometimes i find myself finding out things I don't think I would have wanted to know. My first instinct is to tell myself that he still loves me. That was a different time. We were apart. Does being apart mean bringing a girl into your bed? did it make you feel better? The cards said not to jump to conclusions. never to make assumptions. my mind is playing tricks on me because you swore it has been only me for the last year. My instincts want to trust you because you have never steered me wrong before. Even when you broke my heart, you were honest and I knew it was your truths shedding both of our tears. I am trying to calm myself. my suspicions. and then I realized. what does it matter now? I was honest with you about what happened during that time. if you weren't completely honest to spare my feelings or because you knew i would never come back to you if i really knew. is it selfish? because its true. If i knew there was someone else in those 10 days I would have never come back to you. I would have turned my back and walked away from you. But now what does that change? I guess that you wouldn't have been completely honest with me. 6 months later, where would it put us? would my faith be shattered? would my trust be torn? Will i let it eat me up inside? The more I type the more I can feel the heat of my skin taking over my face. because it doesn't matter now. it really doesn't and i can let it eat me up inside and push a wedge between us. but how is that going to help anything? I would be the one to break both of us that time. It would be me killing both of us. and i need to just stay calm. you are human. i am human. i guess. i guess. i guess. i guess. i guess. i guess. i guess. i guess. i guess. i guess...... I want to lose myself in us and at times i feel like i rally have. but then i lose so much more sometimes. i lose... i lose. and i lose and i lose and i lose. it seems to always happen that way. and i keep fighting with myself. its always this internal battle and i can't just let it go all the time sometimes it just sits inside me and grows and grows and i want it to die and i want to kill it but my subconscious is so afriad of love. because it was always recurring. it was always returning. it was always undefeating and wouldn't flinch or bat an eye at me. but then you kiss me and it always goes away. and i almost want to hate you for it but i can't and instead i just smile and i still hate you for it but it just all disappears. and i realize just how much i love you.

Back and forth back and forth forth and back

When I get down to nitty gritty of it. When I dismantle it and take it apart. Wen I tear it down and get down to the core I realize most of my problems are my own doing. You know the usual letting words get to you. Letting the actions that people take get downtothe core of who you are.but I trying to take that apart to rebuild my castle. To rebuild my fortress. Not to necessarily keep everyone out but to know how to let anyone in. It all starts with me. And I'm going to start with me. It comes down to so much. It comes down to everyone and just about everything. My abandonment issues are so far inside my veins I really wish I could get it to stop. But even with recent events with so much of my career falling throw the cracks of my fingers by the actions of those around me, I keep trying to catch myself not reverting to the idea that its a result of everything abandoning me and getting as far away for me as it possibly can. I want to pick myself up as I usually do and keep going and find something better and I feel that it's possible and I'm in a rush to get there. I know mimoatient but I'm just so ready to get this started already. I want to be something so much more for myself along with everything else around me. I feel likei can't give everything I have if everything isn't giving anything to me. I keep struggling with myself but I won't struggle forever

The old new

July 14, 2013 In two hours I will be 27. What do I have to show for it? I honestly wish I could say. I've tried to give so much of myself in all aspects of my life and maybe. N myself in but as I sit here in my hotel room in the Bahamas with the beautiful (to be the most generic adjective) view of the ocean, I know I'm only going to go back home to continue picking up the pieces of my lost soul. I pray to be found. It's really all I can ask The Lord. I just want to find it. I know who a, so it's not about finding myself at all. I just need to find my soul. I hate the feeling of trying to put my life together all over again when I was so close before. It was all there at my finger tips and within a blk of an eye everything was gone. He is still here and has not left my side till the last time he left my side. You k ow that moment en people turn to you and say "I love you. I'm just not IN love with you"? That's how this feels. I'm told to slow down but why would I have to censor myself all the time because he keeps himself so hidden? I know he loves me but I also now he isn't in love so me and that only has me asking myself why. Do this t myself? But maybe im just overreacting. Maybe I'm letting myself unravel more than I have. Maybe I'm just doing what I'm used to and sabotaging something good in my life because everything else has fallen apart. We put ourselves in these positions hoping for love, with a fear of eventual pain and hurt and then when we get what we want are just waiting for the floor t fall underneath us. It's been so hard my whole life to accept. Could have someone worthwhile and when. Have it. Can not assume the worst because how could t even be possible that I could find someone who cold ever really love me? And isn't this the way things are supposed to be for me? Isn't this the way they always told me it would be. It was never meant for me. "It will never happen for you." "No one can put up with you." "You are too much." "No one will ever love you. It's not their fault...it's just you." So help my soul. Maybe it's been missing because it doesn't want o be found. And why would I want to put it through the pain and frustrations of this? If letting go is losing myself where did I begin and when did I stop?

lifted

there are these moments that i swear i've found a new part of myself that can let go of things a lot easier than i've fooled myself to believe. but i just can't because here i am trying to grasp to realize that some things evolve without me and that's okay. it really is and i feel ok without feeling okay. that doesn't make sense but talking backwards ust makes sense to me for the most part. i have been hit with blow after blow too close together. I can take a hit but when they keep coming at me, i just need a chance to breathe before i can take another one. everything went well to catch you up. we travelled, we met everyone, families were exchanged and it went the way i could have only hoped it would. except when she's sitting ont he other line telling me she is completey surprised he contains enough patience to digest the person that i am. i'm holding the phone in my hand trying not to chuck it at the floor because i can't afford to buy a new one right now. I want to just push them so far away from me. but i know that it means me...means....i don't know what it means. he tells me its lies but it only solidifies the insecurities i have. its only human for me to be vulnerable but sometimes its just so human. i want to let it all go and at the moment i find myself bottled up in my mind. i've let go of certain assumptions but i hold on to doubts when i've let myself go. i leave myself wide open around him and although i only needed to say it that one time. i find myself wanting to say it. its still there marinating in my mind but i have to just leave it alone. and at least letting it out that one time will hold me over. i can't rush and i won't push. but i'm also not going to stop being me. this is just the way i am and this is just how it is. she prepares for the moment in her life that she's been waiting for and i am so excited for her of course. i am so excited for that moment with her, but these days have taken so much out of my energy that i regret i'm not as overly excited as i would be if i wasn't in this state of mind right now. but of course i love her more than i love most people. but my mind is tired and i know she knows that. so i will stay up for hours looking for the right dress just to make her happy. because all i want is for her to be happy. i'm going to let go of these feelings. i'm not going to go back to the idea that i'm numb from the inside out. there is a person in here. and although i've hidden myself from myself. i need to stop. i need to let it all out and be who i am for myself. because i can overcome any of these obstacles at the moment. i could easily fall back into a state of hopelessness. but i know better than anyone that i've had worse. this is a cake walk compared to everything else i've been through. especially when its that time of the year to go see the doctor. and that only means one thing....

Finding forever

This past Wednesday, I met his family for the first time. I was scared out of my mind, but think I did a good job in just being my honest and true self and showing him I want more than anything to just be with him by doing my best to be a good fit for his family. Luckily, it took me just being myself to do just that. Because it only took the next night for me to get drunk enough to tell him I loved him. How much I'm in love with him. He didn't want me to tell him like that. And I probably shouldn't have said it like that, but I was happy and released to finally get out of my chest. I couldn't take the tight grip it had on my heart any more. He couldn't say it back and that I knew. There was no surprise there. I over reacted in an emotional way because I was drunk but in the ,opening when I woke up I came tommy senses. I explained to him that although I knew he couldn't say it to me because he didn't feel that way, I just had to say it because it had been killing me not to. Althought don't understand his reasoning of him being too scared, I to.d him he had to nderstand that for me it's been 7 months even though its only been almost two for him. That's something I have to understand too. He might not be there quite yet, but the sincerity of him makes me believe he's on his way. I love him dearly and I got it off my chest. I'm not going to say it again until he bri gait up because I don't want to push him, but fornowi'll enjoy the love I feel.

together.

its like this all incompassing feeling that constantly has me feeling like something is kicking me deep in my chest and i want to get it out so bad and i just don't know how. i want to tell him so bad but i just don't. i just can't in some weird way. its like if i say something i'm afraid he's going to curl up away from me. so far away from me. and i don't know if i can take that. i don't know if its in me to let me change what things are right now because i don't know what he's going to say and i don't know what he's going to do. and these feelings won't go away. its like i can see the words in my head just blinking and blinking. its driving me crazy and he looks at me and sometimes i can swear he sees it in me. but then i looj away hoping that i haven't given myself away. i hope i'm still hiding so much inside of me of how i really feel because i'm so afraid. and these feelings won't go away. i can feel them knocking inside me. and i just can't . i don't know how long i can keep them hidden inside of me and not say anything at all. she says it will just come out and it will be meant for that time but how do i know that that time isn't now and i sholdn't just let it all out because its meant to just be now. a sufficient amount of time has passed. and sometmimes i want to think that he feels it too. sometimes he frusturates me so much with the things that he says an di'm trhown back into this space in my head that i can't always seem to get out of. i don' tknow how much i care about myself in this circumstance because i'm so worried about how he'll react. and i want to make it so perfect. i think of ways that i can tell him in the right places at thre right moment at the right time in the right place. but what does that all matter if i'm just trying to say how i feel. its all there in me anyways and if he knew me at all wouldn't he know by now? am i really hiding things that well that he can't know just how much i'm in love with him. if i could just say i love you this would all just go away. and i fight it so mucha nd i hide it so well. but i just don't know how much longer i can do all that. i want to just et it all out and get on with my life. because whether or not he feel sthe same way at least by then i'll know. at least at that very moment all will be revealed. because God knows just how much i love him. because my heart feels it so much every time he touches me. every time he's near me. and i just can't tell him just how much it kills. me.

Isnt it magic?

Last night I laid on top of you looking into your eyes wanting so badly to say "I love you' or even "I'm falling in love with you" but I held everything back. For what reason? Because I'm afraid of what he might it might not say. I know. Its a possibility he might not be where I'm at emotionàll but sometimes I feel like he is holding back top. There are times I wonder but I know his feelings are real. I also know I need to stop letting my past scare the shit out of me. That is all

snakes and pearls

I absolutely can not stand when people...let me say super thirsty people find themselves to be entitled to things that they are definitely not entitled to. I've come to realize that thirsty people will try to drink up everything around you including you to get what their looking for but won't ever really get it because they aren't satisfied. I came back to the office this week because i had finally settled down from the craziness that had been happening. I've been living with him the last month because apartment hunting in new york can sometimes be like finding a needle in a haystack. I've finally found my needle and its pretty much perfect with our own private garden and backyard, but back to what i was saying. I went back to the office and a lot of things had changed. what had really changed was interns that haven't been there as long as some of us trying to take over and shooting bad attitudes around the room like it was a free for all. Guess what? I don't give a shit. I've made a name for myself enough to not care about who you think you are here or what you seem to think you're entitled to. because at the end of the day i'm still getting access to the events i've worked hard for. sometimes i sit back and realize just how crazy my life is. everything in a day changes about ten times over and the ups and downs almost make me sick to my stomach. she wants them back but she can suck a dick. i'm not normally this vulgar but at this moment in time she just can. i hate the way she plays victim with her con artistic ways to paint a vivid picture of the manipulating portrait she displays. her intentions are mindlessly cruel and her ways are spoiled to the core. She can lose herself without them. i'm starting to realize the dynamic people take in their lives and i know i need to just keep focusing on the road in front of me and go from there. if love was a four letter word, i'm glad your name only had four letters. he's given me everything i need and although his words get ahead of him sometimes, i've come to understand the language he speaks. longevity never seemed more possible.

closer

April 9, 2013.... The night before we had discussed things in an almost pure kind of way. I let it all out. everything. all the feelings i had about all of it and i didn't mean to sound harsh or mean but i understand that's exactly how i came off. It wasn't my intention but it was my intention to tell you everything i needed to say and the words came from my mouth in such a fashion that i couldn't make them stop. i needed you to understand that you werent the only one feeling the pain that was dealt in the cards. I was left with a broken heart and now i know why. now i understand all of it. but as we talk about what happened it was all about your heart and everything that happened to you but you had to understand that this happened to me too. thats why i let the words fall from my lips the way they did. I could hear them cut you over and over but we both knew that it had to be done. As i laid there wondering what i had done, i had to let sleep take over my excessive thoughts. when i woke up the next morning your arms were around me and you kissed me with such sincerity. you told me that you weren't letting me go anywhere.... April 10, 2013.... I came to pick you up from work and with a rush about me to make sure we made it to diner on time. We made it early and i was letting the stress of my work and day get into my head and not realize what was happening. We were having dinner with them and i needed to appreciate the fact that it was happening because it meant something for her to sit across from you at a table and let you show her that you were serious just as much as showing me you were serious. We sat there and the table talk was perfect and effortless. Things felt as if they were never changed and had only progressed. As we said our good byes and headed home, we did our normal night routines and i sat there looking for music to listen to on your computer. you grabbed me and pulled me closer to you. wrapped in your arms and with the heat of your lips on my next you whispered in my ear, "I want you to be my girlfriend." and in that moment everything was made concrete in the words of wanting. the words i had been wanting to hear and the words, you were saying. at first i was hoping that you werent just saying them because of our talk the night before, but then i let my doubts leave my head just for second and realized you were asking me because its just exactly what you wanted. i know you see right through my speculations. you see through them and i'm trying to make you understand that because of my past its been really hard for e to see anything different and with your actions it has mirrored some of those past experiences that it does bring around some doubts but i do believe you because i want to believe you. there is something here that is worth believing. the main point being that i'm finally happy and its been so long since i've felt this way. loving you was always easy to do. because it was just the way it was supposed to be. and those 10 days i think said enough to you about what this is and why its here. it might have been a while since you last saw what love it, but get ready, because i'm going to show you everything its got to give.

dream.scream.dream.

I'm starting to see things differently. and although I want to relax in this humbling feeling around you, i still find myself tossing and turning at night. I want to hold you close. I want to whisper in your ear "I think I love you". and hope that everything is going to be okay. We now know what this is. you know now this is for the long haul. I now know you're serious. and when i look into your eyes and your pupils dilate to the scent of my skin, i know there is something there. You caress the lines of skin with such fragility that at times i can't help but melt into you. I want to tell you the fantasies of my thoughts but i hold myself back knowing the mistakes i've made in the past. I give so much of everything and although this time there is no hiding from you. I don't want to invade your space and the space of your freedom. I know you want a certain kind of life without the life i'm taking over involuntarily. The thought of your misery during that time almost makes it hard to believe. I took you to be another version of the rest. once you left, you were gone. but when you walked back into my life, it was with so much force i couldn't deny what was there. it sounds so naive to say out loud but its the truth. you've done nothing but prove to me how much you really care. and when you say you like that picture because you can tell just how happy we are i know that there are things you notice about us. I want to give you what you haven't had before even if what you had before was not at all bad. I want to give you a different experience of what we could be. and i've seen the change in the man you are to notice. there has been a change and positive one and i know now just how much i mean to you. I won't ever change how much that means to me. i can only let go and let God at this point. but so far i can't complain. you come home and its like i'm home for the very first time. and when i'm the first girl you've ever had to really work for, don't worry about domesticating me, just hold on tight and get ready for the ride.

When the winds of change

Actually change...what now?

I left and I was we'll prepared to leave everything behind me when that plane took off including you. And a part of me really had and I had nearly convinced myself of it. But then I landed and was completely taken in by the sun and warm breeze of Austin. I attempted to dive right into my work and forget all the hurtful words I had read the morning before. It to say they were hurtful in a malicious way, but in a way I knew I couldn't change on my own. Everything was fine and they were throwing out their lines trying to catch me the whole time. I let them have their chase and one got very close but came on too strong for my taste and as the sun was rising i was ready to sleep than mingle.

The days went by and something was still missing. I'm not going to lie that a majority of my day was spent with everything that had happened following me by the way side. But then it creep up in me and tap me on the shoulder reminding me it was still there following me behind the shadows of my neglect. The day before we were to leave to Portland, I finally gathered the emotional strength I needed to tell you how I feel while at the same time trying to maintain my levels of anger so I wouldn't explode and internally implode. I sent the words a long with the music that I knew you would read as the sign I needed you to. That although I was hurt and angry, you were still so much of what I wanted.

As we boarded the plane to Portland I could feel myself sliding down the rabbit hole of the feelings. Thought I had moved past. When we landed it was all back and I was consumed. I was feeling the pressures of my emotions and she could see it all over my face. I was barely holding on to the last straws of my memories and when I read the text my heart stopped.

I called her immediately because I knew she would know best. She told me the advice I knew I needed to hear and I knew what I wanted. You called and the conversation started. I tried to hide the nerves in my voice but my exhaustion made it effortless. I didn't want to have the full conversation at first but when it started to unfold I just couldn't stop it because I knew if it wasn't said it would all be lost on my capability to move on with distance and time. The words I wanted to hear came through the receiver and as I tried to hold the tears in and as I heard what u wanted to hear I all at once remembered the disappointments of my past. I couldn't get ahead of myself because this was all too familiar.

I remember the, "I want there to be an us" conversation that only took a month to turn into "I can't/okay maybe I can" that then took another 3 months to officially become "I just can't". I know you are different and I'm not trying to hold my past against you I just know how to learn from my mistakes and instead of rushing into this even though its what I want I need to know you're as sure as I am. So far there has been no reason to doubt and its incredibly clear. From the affectionate gestures to the way you look at me. There is no denying this time it's real, but that still doesn't mean I can just jump in and forget everything that happened. There is a trust that needs to be re established.

But above everything, all of my feelings are still there and have not changed but only gotten stronger.

And then I found myself

There are points like these that I come across and I listen to sad music and I feel like every ounce of feelings have left my body. I can feel down on myself and I can feel so hopeless. When my day started I could have gotten wrapped up in all of that. It took 2 phone calls today to change that all around. I always feels like she hears when I need her. She called me at the right time to remind me I'm stronger than this. And she let me feel a sense of compassion I just hadn't let myself see prior to this point.

He can't be with me if he can even be with himself and that's something I should know about. Not because I relate but because it s a piece of advice I've given so many people. I miss him, but there isn't anything I can do to save him. Maybe he'll regret this. Maybe this will hurt him and maybe he'll realize how much I mean to him. But maybe won't repair my heart right now

Get happy

Where the chips may fall is not always where I want them to be. He says I need to get happy. Really? Just like that? They all tell me the same thing. He's confused. He's scared. He doesn't know what he wants. And all I hear is all the same shit I've heard before. From wire to wire the tears spread. And why? Because you wanted to be selfish. He was right when he said we were the only thing you really had control of in your life. Everything else was dismembered except us, so you took the one thing you had control of and broke it. You broke us. You broke me.

And I can sit here forever trying to rationalize your stupidity. But I can't. And I only call it stupidity because of the true definition of the word. What you are doing doesn't make any sense. It might hardly make sense to you. But it is far from it. If you were watching a great movie would you leave 30 minutes into it? If this was moving too fast for you why didn't you consider I would be gone the next month and a half? Things would've definitely stopped for a little while then. But instead you stepped out of us and if its what you needed then so be.

I hear the, at least he did this mow and not further down the road. Yes, thank you. Thank you for breaking MY heart now so you could not potentially break it later. Like really? That's so fucking stupid. None of us know what's going to happen tomorrow let alone 10 minutes from now to make such extreme choices. But I start to see mow everything was extreme for you. You go from one extreme to the next with no medium. It's be with me or nothing at all. You are an all or nothing kinda guy.

She said I have a black belt in this kind of situation by now. And she's right. Fuck my feelings at this point. My heart has checked out. I don't know when it's coming back. I'll get over this just as I did before. And I'm going to do tis different. You might think about me and contact me like you did this morning. I know you we're thinking about me. You showed your hand. But if you want to be gone, then do just that. He tells me he is utterly convinced you will regret this eventually because you will realize the person I was for you. That I could have been part of your purpose. Because you were part of mine. But now what am I supposed to think after this?

I'm taking the hit and waking up to a text no matter how friendly it might be, sets me back to square one. But it won't be like this for long. I hope you recognize that. With the past I've had to go through, I'm not the same. You want to abandon me like everyone else, you will be on that list with everyone else and I will move one faster than you think. Not because what I felt for you wasn't strong or real, but because I don't see you the same way. I'm not counting on you contacting me again. Maybe this time apart might sow you that you really do want me or that you want yourself more. Because that seems to be why you made the decision. Apparently everything we were was more about you. And it hurts more to know.

To know falling love with you meant me losing my heart. My love won't disappear over night but I can already see it leaving slowly from all of this because I'm sad over this. I'm so sad over this. But I'm more sad that you did this to us. Not just to me but to us. And your tears are validation of that.

And when I go to sleep I can still feel you hurting too.

Up in smoke

I watched myself hit a place where I lost total control. I haven't had a panic attack in so long I almost didn't recognize I was going through one, until I realized I had to let it all go because there was oohing I could do at this point. It is all out of my hands. And that gets me to where I am now.

I was packing the rest of my life in bags last night and came across the last memories I had of you. I don't exactly know why I held on to these specific items. I just know that they were there and I kept them out of sight. I read and looked over them one last time before tearing it all up and throwing it away. But it made me realize that loving him means I've finally let you go. But loving him means repeating my past in a very specific way. I can't just do that anymore. I know it will only break my heart again.

You might think I can't be so sure. But the pain I went through had a hold on me for so long I reuse to do that to myself again. If I'm not who he's looking to be serious with, then I might as well just walk away now. It's been 4 months. And like he used to tell me, if he's not ready by now, he'll never be ready. It's already hurting just thinking about it. But I know I can't let myself have these feelings like this and know that he can't be there for me the way I want even after 4 months. I can't make these feelings stop just as much as I can't make the same mistakes.

I fell in love with him. He's everything I want and because of that I have to let him go. This might not make sense now, but I don't want to be there 2.5 years later hearing him say its still not me and drive away with my broken heart in tow.

What I wouldn't give for you to be kissing me now.

In flames

I'm in the middle of the fire and its not even hot enough yet.

I take my 3rd degree burns in strides and I'll continue to take the heat and pray for the best. God knows I'll never stop thanking Hm for the moves I've made and I understand I have to cope with the heat to find the oasis in my mown personal hell. I'm not stepping out of this kitchen to find myself standing next to anyone else but her. Se keeps me from falling apart in all of this. I know I can defend on her consistency and even thou you've showed up to be a nice relief from my trials and tribulations. It's still too early to tell. I'm know for abandonment and you haven't been here long enough for me to know for sure.

I've been doing this on my mown for so long. And when the flames climb higher along my skin, I only machine I'm still in this alone. Finding my way through the flames. I'm going to get past all of this. I know I will. Sometimes it feels like I'm working so hard just to bury myself further into the ground. I know I'll find air that doesn't suffocate eventually. I'm not a pessimistic person just a realistic optimist.

I know I swim in the shark tank on the regular. This is a lifestyle I never wanted to blame you for. And I never will. Just understand I'm a storm to be reckoned wit. A force that is hard to handle. Today. Realize yet again just how severe I can be. I am THE challenge. It might seem enticing but you will get burned at some point or another. Not out of intent but out of my independence.

I have feelings for you they are there and very real. I just see how fickle my life can be sometimes. I won't burn up in flames. I might get too hot to touch from time to time, but the love that's here runs deeper than this fire.

Today it burns n my chest, but tomorrow it will all be another day in the past. God save my soul from being engulfed in the life that pulls me down to hell. My salvation is found in my faith and I believe I will be bigger than the flame eventually.

Don't do this to me again

My love is infinite...
My love is real...
So very very real...


For the most part I the last 3 years my heart had fallen int this numb state. There was nothing that could make its stone body move. It was solidified in its cold walls and I couldn't feel anything anymore. Until that night. You kissed me so softly with such a gentle tender touch that it ignited a fire in my chest and for the first time in what seemed like forever, I felt something. It was almost like it was a taboo. Something I Couldn't look at right away or it would disappear just as quick as it had been made.

Valentines day...you sat across that wooden table as we sat there by the window. Without seeing each other for a few days, the excitement was there, but we didn't talk about the things we already knew. Dinner was perfect, and so was watching Ryan Leslie perform. I took you to the bar to give you a piece of your home. As we sat there I realized how much I want you. Want you to be mine, just mine, just as much as I want to be yours. I had a creative block and didn't come up with much a gift. But yours was perfect. Remembering things I had almost forgotten. The obvious way to know that you care about me.

4 months in and I wonder why after everything you still need time. I start to reflect on how things were before and just can't do that again. There is a clock that is ticking and I really wish you make your decision before the alarm goes off, because as of right now it seems to be almost at that point.

He texts me every day and calls almost every other day. He sent me flowers to my office for valentines day. It was cliche although I appreciate the thought. He said it was his first valentine he ever sent, and he doesn't know me well enough to send anything meaningful. I have to tell him there is someone. He holds on with hope. He is a sweet person but I'm not using him or stringing him along. Where are the lines drawn when I'm still single?

He mixes me up with his apologizes of past crimes and explains he has to make it up to me. There is nothing to make up when I've moved on. He tells me he misses me and I almost want to feel bad but I don't for what he did. Friendship is as far as I'll take this and when he tells me he misses me, I don't understand in which context he's saying it but when he tells me almost every time he talks to me, I can't even assume. Never assume too much.

There is a love that runs deep in my writing. A love I had almost forgotten. Im trying to restore it back to its former glory. Somewhere inside myself I'm finding it. I'm working so hard and I'm starting to see where it's paying off. I just need to keep making this work and not fall back. I'm trying to make something of what I've been working so hard on. This is a marathon, not a race.

Sometimes Irish. Could decode his silence. But I realize I'm not meant to. He takes care of me in every way and I nurture him to the fullest. There is a component to all of this that works. And I don't bring up what I wish to say, except that one time I was really drunk. But that's a story for another time.

So,e nights you go to sleep next to me and I hear a voice in the back of my head that makes me want to turn to you just as you're about to fall asleep and whisper, "I love you" but I now that would not push yo away. So I keep my thoughts to myself until the day it can all be revealed...that I love you.

finding bliss

in the midst of what's in front of me. I start to notice that the closer it gets to 4 months the more scared I get. I keep trying to let go of what happened to me in the past so that I can move forward with you. But somewhere in the back of my mind I keep remembering his ticking clock and I keep hearing it in the back of my mind. I want to let it go I really do, but last night when you kissed me in that way you do I felt something in my chest. And it was a feeling that hasn't been there in quite sometime. she said its something that's always been there, but that i've finally lost the ability to bullshit myself. She might be right and I might have finally stopped preventing myself from feeling anything or at least realizing I had any feelings. There are things I notice that make me feel a little relaxed about the situation. One of those would be that you recognize the little things. You remember that its the 3rd. You take notice of my needs and wants and take everything into consideration. But I also take into consideration everything you've told me. I know this is still too early for you and I'm starting to understand it more now that i've gained some insight. and I will let it rock for as long as I can. But I do have a place where I cross the line because I just can't get wrapped up in something like i've done in the past. There is a part of myself that just can't invest my feelings that way. I've noticed that you do things differently. I'm used to the regular charming way guys who never take things seriously tend to say or do. You have never been that way, and although sometimes I'm a little erked by the things you say, for the most part i appreciate the honesty. I'm hoping for things to exceed. I need to be in a better place in my life and i'm trying. I really am. I am getting support where i need it. I am so tired of people saying, "Why don't you ask your man?" and it almost makes me sad that an automatic response for a woman to need money for something is to ask her man for the money. The last thing I want to do is ask my man for money. But maybe that's just me. I'd rather just work my ass off and earn it myself. And with all of my hard work lately I haven't exactly seen the fruits of my labor, but it is just the beginning. I'm on the verge of all of this becoming something bigger than me. And when it does, I am hopeful that it will work out. I have to keep my faith. It's the only thing I have to depend on right now.

Hold me

Sometimes I think I sink so deep within myself I forget why I'm there to begin with. I want to believe that this is where I'm supposed to be. There has been so much positive but I think it's not necessarily that I'm fearful but more that I just can't let myself be hurt in that same way again. I feel like the first month we went along just fine, we left on vacation and still kept in touch. I took you to the Mae and it was perfect. You came home and the type writer was everything. From there it just kept looking like things were on the up and up. I still feel that way, but now we're looking at 3 months and I don't know if I'm into the idea of going too far in without knowing.

"I told you I would stay"

I feel like there's an expiration date to my waiting. And although I want to give you your time to figure things out. I don't know if I can stay here on the sidelines wondering how you feel. Your actions make it so clear cut sometimes and then you turn around and stay so mute about the subject I start to think im getting ahead of myself. This never gets easier for me.


"would you always, maybe some time, make it easy? Take your time."

He texts me every day now. Every day I can expect to look at my phone at some point in the day and see a text from him. False ideas and no encouragement from my end. He wants me for whatever reason but I see right through the small talked words to know it isn't anything.

Tonight, after a couple months of seeing me and working with me he asked me on a date in this round about informal way that I don't care to go. It's like, if you don't want to hang out or seem so disinterested then don't go. It was like he didn't want to go while he was asking me to go. Oh mr. S.o.b,s you are so strange.

He might have caught my attention at first but wasn't someone memorable as I forgot about him in all capacities. He texted me today asking me on a date. I just went about my business without a thought of it.

My heart knows what it wants. But what it wants doesn't know what it wants. Le sigh. Story of my life. I have all these options and any normal person might take them. I on the other hand, just don't care. Love likes making a fool of me.