sometimes the lyrics say everything if you would just listen

time reveals all truths

"the stars, the moon, they've all been blown out,
you left me in the dark,
no dawn, no day, i'm always in this twilight,
in the shadow of your heart...

I took the stars from your eyes, and then i made a map,
and knew that somehow i could find my way back,
then i heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too,
so i stayed in the darkness with you."


find yourself in the darkness with me. I keep telling myself that you won't ever come back to me. But my heart keeps telling me you will prove me wrong. Because my heart was always in it for you. he said he believes it really is the case that letting it go and if it comes back to me it was always meant to be. he said it would be fate. it would have to be fate. the thing about it is i know he's right. so here i am hoping you weren't just trying to spare my feelings by saying you feel the same. here i am hoping you were telling me the truth. because i mean in it. i'm in it. i'm here. and no matter how much i push you out of my life. in the back of my mind you're always going to be there because i'm always going to be hoping you come holding that ring your hand. the real thing has always been here waiting for you. and don't take me deleting you from my life as a cruel intention. it was only my way of solidifying me letting you go. its the only way i can. Here i was thinking i could replace it with the new. but i just can't. i couldn't even put the new rings on the finger. its like even my finger is waiting haha. i'm a mess. we know. I will say this now though. i had to let it go, but that doesn't mean i will let it go again. i guess time will only tell if i was right. prove me wrong. challenge starts now. and this will be anything far from easy.

blinding

Seems that I have been held, in some dreaming state
I twist in the waking world, never quite awake
No kiss, no gentle word could wake me from this slumber
Until I realize that it was you who held me under

Felt it in my fist, in my feet, in the hollows of my eyelids
Shaking through my skull, through my spine and down through my ribs

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more crawling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

And I could hear the thunder and see the lightning crack
All around the world was waking, I never could go back
Cause all the walls of dreaming, they were torn right open
And finally it seemed that the spell was broken

And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open
And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more crawling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

Someone's stitching up the circuit boards
Someone's slipping through the hidden door
Someone's stitching up the circuit board

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more crawling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

Snow White's stitching up the circuit boards
Someone's slipping through the hidden door
Snow White's stitching up the circuit board
Someone's slipping through the hidden door


I'm finding my way out. it breaks my heart but its hard to be broken hearted when there are so many good things coming my way by the end of the month. coming home will be like a rude awakening or it could be a happy event. who knows. and honestly right now i don't care. i'll worry about that when it comes. but i'm starting to open my eyes to everything. you said something had to give. and i think its me. it scares you just as much as it scares me. who knew this unrequited love could be so merciless. but for two people completely stubborn it had to come i guess because i've given up my stubbornness to wait for so long. and all their words are ringing in my ear like an alarm clock. i know they are just words and i haven't let them be my decision maker. my decision maker hasn't even met you yet. and when she does she could be the defining measure that changes everything. because really she's the only real words i've ever listened to. and who knows, maybe she'll be the one to change both of our worlds. because i know she only looks out for what is best for me. so does everyone else but she does it in a way that makes it all real.

that's really all i can say about that right now cause in all honesty i'm kinda over talking about it anymore. i can't change anything right now. and have i ever really been able to in the first place?

you've got the love

i'll believe you if you give me the truth.
don't spare my feelings,
give me the faith to move,
tell me i have something worth believing

because from now till tomorrow and even days that passed,
i've been hoping for you.
i don't want these decisions to be rash,
so hold me close and tell me how you do.

because i can tell you in every action that i love you,
from now till i let go.
you've been in my heart and at times i swear i hate you,
because i can't stop thinking you're the one.

the one that stole me,
the one that captured something inside
that sets these words free.
i can't keep them as they try to hide.

i swear at times i know you feel it too.
when you're thinking that you might,
just really love me the way i love you.
because i know you write words like these at night.

all of the joy and the pain

he brought me to tears with his truth. the way he just came out and said "i just don't see you guys being in a relationship". i couldn't help the tears from my face making me feel so foolish. i was sitting there trying to make sense of everything. he only told me that he knew i felt it was time. that after all this waiting he knew i'm not one to beat around the bush to anything. and that now is not the time to start. it broke my heart. like everyone closest to me was joining in the same voice with the same truths. it hurts so bad but i can't keep doing this. i can't keep loving him this way. i know who i am and i know what i want. and even if he doesn't know what he wants. i can't keep sitting around here feeling like i'm on a back burner trying to figure it out. he said he's always praying that we get together because he knows how good it will be for the both of us. and i told him my truth. the truth is i'm always praying something would come of us. even if i let him go i'll always be praying that one day he shows up on my doorstep and tells me he's ready to love me. because i love him. its a lot to say and its a lot to have these feelings inside me. but it is what i feel. i told him i just want to try it. even if it meant it ending, as long as we could say we gave it a shot. but that's not even likely and that's why i have to let it go. i'm always saying i'm going to be ok. but i know this will be the one time i don't think i'll be able to say it. i'll move on but God knows its going to be hard. he hit a special part of me in a sincere way.

always holding you down

things lately have been hectic to say the least getting everything together for my trip to europe but i can't wait to leave. i need the break so bad. i've had so much going on in my head that i need to just let it all go. my mom being sick. my sister being stupid. my oldest friend's aunt dying. family stuff that only reassures me more how much i don't want to have kids because they don't need to be brought into this the way i was. but "it is what it is" i swear if i got another tattoo that would be it. story of my life. there's no changing the mindless when their only concern in life is themselves. not to say that you have to spend your whole life pleasing other people but just to have a care for other people because your life doesn't always involve you but the people around you too. we affect so many people on the regular its hard not to pay attention to who it is.

but i really can't wait to have a break my emotions are so distrot right now. i need my best friend. i miss her so much. she helps me so much through all of this and she herself is in desperate need for a breka with the hardships that culinary school has so gracesiously bestowed upon her. this is going to be a great vacation for the both of us to say the least. its just exciting to know we've planned this for so long and its less than 2 weeks away. so much so that i haven't even really thought about how my birthday is right around the corner. luckily i have amazing friends who remind me that they want to do something with me for my birthday before i leave too. they really make my world go round with the positive and loving things they give me on the regular.

thigns were looking up and i know i'm not really one to consider too much what other people say. i always just do what i want. but i'm starting to see what they see now. i feel so foolish. i feel so foolish. stupid. loving someone this way. and i'm starting to come to the point where i just can't do it anymore. because it really just ashame. not at the love. not at him. but at me for doing this to myself. its completely valid to have those feelings. completely okay to not be ready. but its not okay for me to be here holding on to something that i keep being told won't happen. and i can't keep doing this to myself. i'm tired of running into a wall when i finally feel that its going to let up. it hurts more and more every time. and i need to just let it go now. its going to hurt like hell becaues it already does. i swear i hear my heart breaking every time i'm sitting there and they're telling me i deserve something so much more. that they love him and they think we're perfect together but that its not fair to me to be here holding on when he's told me enough times it just isn't going to happen. that i'm not going to get that label. and i'm starting to see that they're right. because its just as okay for me to want a label as you not being ready. and although they are completely opposite feelings. we are entitled to both. it might end up being the hardest thing i've ever had to do. but i can't keep loving someone this way. it hurts so much all the time. its my turn to be selfish. that might sound bad but its really just the way i feel right now.

he came over to us real calm and cool. with a style i could get used to. she had set up the whole thing hoping to get me moving on my way. ironically so when you have a good friend that you know is only looking out for your best interests and your happiness, they're pretty good at picking the right ones. and so she did. she told me he was shy and really kept to himself. i didn't see that shyness at all. it was like i was a magnet. i know they talked to him about me but it already looked like he had made up his mind about me. not sure at first. she had already given me her speech that broke my heart and set me up perfectly. he was kind and interesting with the nicest side of funny. i was definitely intrigued. and so it happened just that way. the touch of his hand on the small of my back gave me chills. standing on the beach letting the water roll in with his arms around me. it felt nice but in my head i just kept thinking "why can't he do this for me? why can't you be him?" its awful i know. but its hard when someone new comes along that fits good and you have to get the other person out of your head. but as soon as he was holding me to keep me warm it almost faded away. the night finished later than we're used to. he gently kissed me good bye with an "i'll see you tomorrow". she told me she's never seen him like that with anyone before and that its a really big deal. since she's one of his best friends. i took that as something and not just anything.

the next night was amazing. full of dancing, laughs, and the kind of fun i always have with them. she straightened my hair on purpose i know because everyone always notices my straight hair. he came hugging me telling me he hardly recognized me. we went to the club and i danced my heart out like i always. it felt so free. he wasn't the best dancer but he danced with me as long as i danced and i told him that's what mattered. he could be the worst dancer out there but it wouldn't matter as long as he is willing to dance with me. he actually got better as the night went on. ironically i was looking around the club and saw my ex! haha he is so ugly now! i know that's mean but seriously homie. you're mexican with a jerry curl. ok sorry i just had to say that. anyways. she came up to me and told me his style is perfect and he is cute and funny and nice. and she is always blunt with me so i trust her judgement. he was completely charming. first time in a while i've had someone talk to me that i actually thought to give a chance to. i've been so distracted by someone else but now i'm starting to see. another amazing night that ended perfect. he asked me for my number, asked me when i was leaving for europe and when i was getting back. he told me he wants to see me before i leave. he might just come to my birthday dinner, but he said only if i invite him to come. he kissed me again and we parted ways.

everyone tells me how great of a guy he is and i can see that. the intrigue is still there and i guess i'll just see what happens. right now i can't really make any decisions until i've made some really serious decisions. because even though these things happened we were dancing in the club and one of the last songs was the turn your lights down low collaboration with lauryn and he's slow dancing with me and i almost want to cry because it only reminds me of him. i wanted him so bad in that moment. but it only made me realize more that he wasn't there. and i hadn't heard from him in a couple days. and it made it worse when this guy wants to kiss me and hold me and i feel like i can't get those things from him anymore. it hurts so bad its like a physical pain in my chest. i really thought he could've loved me the way i love him. but its looking like that hope is fading fast.

it is what it is....