cross my mind

i'm in awe of things i don't understand. because now i'm starting to see that when we started all over. we really started all over. things are different this time around and i'm hoping i'm not the only one that sees that but i'm sure i'm not. i know you see me. i know you feel me.

so lets just say this because i need to say it:

"i'm afraid. definitely scared because i haven't felt this way about anyone ever. not even the ones i thought meant something to me. this is a first for me, and i know you've had complicated. and i know complicated seems to follow you making you not ready for something like me. and i get that. but i'm just hoping that it doesn't take you too long. that it doesn't take years to see that everything real has been in front of you the whole time. because this. this that i feel is so real. and i'm hoping that deep down somewhere you feel it too. because when you decide that you don't want to lose me, i'm going to show you everything you've ever wanted. because there is no denying the connection, and although we might hold back, that can only last so long before we both crack. so i will keep hoping as long as you tell me, you feel the same."

oh please please please

let me just have my way because God knows it'll be the first time.

if hope was my major i would have a PhD by now. she calls me out for smiling and somehow someway i keep denying myself that much. and he tells me i can't quit what i haven't tried and i need to stop pretending that these feelings aren't real just so i can keep on believing i don't care. but bottom line is i care so much. i don't know if its my fear of being completely twisted in this. because this is the first time i've ever felt like i keep slamming my face into a wall. and i know how to stop and i know its completely possible to stop but i just don't want to. the keyword being: want. i don't want to stop because somehow it hurts so good. everything about it hurts so good. because even when my questions are answered and i can appreciate the honesty i still find myself dissatisfied. i don't know if its because i'm still in this limbo where even though i'm trying to find someone to distract me i just can't becuase you're always right behind me. and although i want so badly just have something with someone, the connection between us is too strong for me to have it with anyone else right now. trust me i've looked. and its all the same. it all comes up to the same end. and i know maybe i'm not trying or i just don't care. but isn't that the point?

becaues i let myself go in the hope that tonight won't be the last time you tell me that there could be a one day when you want only me. just me. just us. and although i feel naive hoping for something that could never happen. i can't stop myself. because it just seems like something so right to hope for. and although i could be completely wrong and childish to hope for such things i know when it all comes down to it, i'll never regret it. and i guess that's where the importance lays. because my heart just seems to tell me so. when i am who i am and i can still get the seal of approval. i think that has to say something and i realize she's right that we are both cracking underneath it all and that eventually we're both just going to crack not able to take the hiding or holding back anymore. i told her knowing us we would end up cracking at the same time. because these surprises won't end. and every way we turn we are only going to keep amazing each other more and more eventually i can only hope it just gives way.

because this smile feels so good. so please. don't you let me go tonight, because i don't know if i would be there tomorrow.

unthinkable

"moment of honest, someone's got to take the lead tonight. who's it going to be?...if you have something to say you should say it right now."

i'm suspended in the air. i'm wondering why i'm here. i keep trying to make a better me. and i'm improving and doing all these things i said i would but at the same time. i'm not yet satisfied. like there's still more. there's something missing and i haven't figured it out yet. but i'm trying to. i'm still the same person just improving different areas. and i feel more confident and i feel more productive but that doesn't change this something i feel like i'm missing.

this waiting period is what kills me. mainly because i've gotten the calls of bad news before and now i have to wait to find out if i get another one. and i'm still hoping but i do my natural routine of expecting the worse because when i get good news its better than what i was thinking and if i get the bad news it was already what i was expecting. but at the same time, the bad news could make things a lot harder for me right now. and i can only cross my fingers when she's telling me "it could come back". i guess trying to make a better me plays a valid role here. i like taking advantage of my healthy life because i never know how much longer i'm going to have it. that might sound completely morbid, but when you've gone through what i've had to go through its a realistic thought. but also why i stay so optimistic.

she made my dreams real today. i love the way she always shows up to make my life better. she's definitely my angel. always there to tell me everything is going to be okay. now if i could only find the guy version of her i'd be complete haha. here's to hoping. the adventure starts here and i'm completely ready to begin. i want to be lead in the direction that's meant for me and so far i think i am. i think i'm starting to realize that lately and its helping me move on to greater things. i'm excited for all that's yet to come. but i still have so many things to do. luckily for me ambition is a word i'm all too familiar with. so make my day because i couldn't ask for more.

because there is no sweeter thing

"i just want to satisfy ya though you're not mine i can't deny you don't you hear me talkin baby? love me now or i'll go crazy"

I bgein things off with being excited to be where i am and the way things are. and i put myself out there without trying at all because really i just don't care anymore. i really don't. but i'm out and about and doing what i got to do. and i'm living an exciting life and some wish they could do all the time, and yet i sit around wondering if things could be different. wondering why i meet completely normal and attractive people who want a part of me. who want to get to know me. who want to share something with me. and all i can do is look at them and feel so numb. like i want nothing from them in return because they aren't what i want. and so badly i want to get over that. i want to be able to open myself up to new people and just dive in head first but all i find myself doing is wanting them to be someone else and although i'm doing my best to move past all that. i still can't help wanting particular qualities and i can't say that's selfish because everyone is looking at particular characteristics they find appealing. i happened to find mine i'm just trying to find it in someone else. for legitimate reasons, but still. i think sooner than later i'm going to let it all go. and i'm going to let go what i feel now. but its just so hard, but plausible. it might be tough, but tangible. so i can only try because when it was someone i wanted to be with it was you and since i can't i can only let go because love just wasn't enough. there is nothing wrong with that i just got to find where love is enough and find someone who gets to know me and can't see themselves loving anyone else. lets make dreams come true

for God's sake dear, just say yes

she tells me she never has to question that i'm feeling neglected because she knows that i just get it. that its all temporary and she knows i can handle it. which is completely true in every way. i only wish that at some point in time our paths cross for longer than a couple days because she keeps me grounded. and she makes sense of my constant questioning. she answers those lingering things i can't see by myself. when the question approached of what i would do if things changed. if all of a sudden that person just turned to me and said "i want to be with you" what would i do? she told me she knows i wouldn't want to be with anyone that wasn't ready to be with me. i told her i would only want someone who wanted me. she simply said "you answered your own question" and it hit me like i had just ran into a wall. its nice to have her around in things like that.

i get nervous every time these times come around. i always seem to get bad news but i can't stop thinking as she says that i've already been through all the bad and i can only go up from here which is completely true and i'm hoping that everything is fine because that's really all i can do right now but i can also be optimistic that even if its not things can be fixed. and i will be okay no matter what. besides it wouldn't be the first i was hit by devastating news, except this time i'll have more people who understand instead of having to deal with someone who is angry about it. i still don't understand that but i guess now i never have to.

i realize that inevitable day is coming and at the moment i haven't really thought about it. if it wasn't for the stores oozing with it i would have probably completely forgotten. i've been so busy lately wrapped up in so many different things that i never seem to stop and look around even though i try from time to time when i have the chance. i realized that there wasn't much i wanted. and even if this is the first valentine's i haven't had a significant other, i'm still not alone. and i find comfort in that. even if things happen to change by then. i really just want to go to the santa monica pier and just have fun. i want to smile all day and be happy for everything i've been blessed with lately. because it seems to just be getting better and better. i'm learning new things still holding on to exactly who i am. hopefulness can be much more than just a state of mind and even if i'm hopeful carrying my heart on my sleeve is the only way i know how to do it. i know i get hurt more than i'd like to believe i do but really there's no other way i'd want to have my heart because i would regret holding it back from any opportunities it might find. although i find myself fighting like any other human being. i still hold on to hopefulness hoping that love has forgotten me just yet. and somewhere somehow i don't really think it has. so i have a funny feeling in the next 2 months something is going to change for me, and i might be naive to be hopeful, but at least i'm happy doing it.

"for God's sake dear, just say yes, just say there's nothing holding you back. its not a test, nor a trick of the mind, only love....this is all i wanted. its all i want. its all i want. its all i want. just say yes"

ladies will love

i live by my own rules. i come and go as i please. i want adventure and so i find my way to it. experience is something i look to discovery. uncovering new traces of who i am. i dont believe in giving up and i dont surrender to desperate unattractive measures. she says "dont break yourself for me. dont leave your selfish ways for me." and its true. i go at my own pace grasping at opportunites like its water in the desert. i want someone who keeps me wanting more. if u want to take this journey with me i can only hope you are ready because i am not the easiest person to love and i'll be the first to admit it, so i'll keep my window open wide for you, just promise to keep me on your mind.

spring couldn't get here any sooner

I was there disappointed that once again she was let down by her own in a time when her love isn't there to change her mind. She tells me she wouldn't change anything and she would do it all over but i can't imagine the empty bed she sleeps in. I don't know anyone that understands and although i'm trying to find that person that does. i keep hoping that you're there because i get that now she never has to wonder. she never has to question because she realizes. she had her love and although she tells me all the time that i can't expect it to not be there. "he's getting here as fast as he possibly can" is all i can remember them telling me but i keep looking at that picture frame i didn't have it in me to fill with his picture because the love was gone. there is the postcard she gave me that reminds me i'm not alone. there's the tickets that give me hope. there are the pictures that give me love. and its the mixing pot of everything that once was and still is.

she was talking about good byes like they were a perfect normality in nature that we're constantly coming across because it is meant to change us, to transform us, to help us grow. and even if they hurt and even if they are for the good, good byes are a force of nature we can only comply with sometimes. and even if i find more good byes than hellos. i'm constantly wondering why people don't fight more. i used to believe that if someone were to leave me i would just say good bye because i would know they didn't want me. but i'm starting to realize that i never followed my own rules. i guess i just wanted to believe that i did everything i could to keep that person from leaving. but that's just it. always fighting for people who are never fighting for me. and i want to give it up so bad. believe you and me i do but i just can't because i won't do to others that i wouldn't want done to me. and i'm constantly hoping to come across that person that fights for me. that person that doesn't just let me walk away because i won't just walk away from someone i really care about. and it happens all the time.

it might mean me getting taken advantage of or finding people who don't care much about me. but i guess that's just my price to pay for feeling like "i'm one step closer to what i'm looking for". sacrifices can be martyrdom but i never felt bad about being a martyr because i always gave everything i had to give. i wouldn't change any of it. even if there was so much pain i would never change any of it because i would never have thought to see the brighter side of my field. you might break my heart but you might also be the one that changes the way i see certain things i need to. so if that be the case all i have are kudos because no one would have been able to do that for me in that part of myself but you.

is it really possible for someone to distance themselves from you because they are afraid of what they might feel if they get too close? i'm wondering why people would want to reject themselves from such honest feelings. is it fear? is it insecurity? what? i don't know if i would be comfortable denying myself of something that could end up being this amazing experience. i've always done everything i ever said i would. that's one thing i have to depend on myself. and although he's right that i tell myself that it isn't possible for him to feel anything for me so that i don't have to pay attention to any emotional or sensitive aspect of it all, i know it is in that aspect that i deny myself of something. but i feel that its only a reaction. this gravity just gets so heavy sometimes. its almost like forgiving and forgetting. except in my case. its getting over and moving on. so here we are at this open space ready for our turn, and i can't help but leap forward leaving it all in the background till everything it used to be for me just fades away. and although one day i might not be okay with that realization, there will be someone else there to remind me, it was the only option i had.

if i was your woman

I think it was the hardest letter i've had to write in quite some time. having to recall the details of a heart break and relay them to someone else for the sake of yourself is never easy and there's only so much you can do to try and make a complete stranger understand what it was that you were really going through to have you at such a low point in time. i'm just hoping some sympathy is given because i know what i would have to do but it would be another kick to the knees.

he told me that i can only remember the best of the friendship we had and go on with that because i can't really be mad at other peoples choices when its mistakes they want to take. but it does suck that you can put your trust and effort into someone who you feel took advantage of that. and i'm definitely one of those girls who sits back and tries to think about what i did wrong to make someone feel that had to do what they did. but at this point i'm too out of negative energy to give it a shot. it just doesn't matter to me anymore and i really can say i did what i could to be a good friend. i'm an honest person and i will never change that. if someone can't handle it then they probably were only meant for that period of time and i can only take that as it is.

he told me he is starting to believe commitment might balance out different parts of his life. it made me think about how when i was little i used to believe that the only way boys could ask you to be their girlfriend was with a ring pop in a ring box. the day a guy does that for me is the day i fall head over heels. i'm sure it might never happen but it would still completely be the day i fall head over heels. i guess i can keep hoping. makes it worth believing that even if you don't know my name you're still trying to find me. and even if you know my name you might not know me. i am exactly who i am inside and out all the time and if you realize that's what you what. if this is where you find happiness. then i can only be happy that i found someone who laughs when i say random things. or smiles when i say something stupid because i don't realize whats going on. or feels something when you hold on my hand. or hears a love song and automatically thinks of me. because then all this heart break. all this pain. and all these experiences would be alright as long as they got me closer to you.

more than you thought i was

"i'll be more than a lover, more than a woman, more than a love for you"

Every where i look i'm finding more reasons to hope that love isn't far around the corner. but i'm starting to think maybe now really isn't my time. there is so much more going on than i have time to really realize. i'm trying to keep so much going on for myself that i was relieved i didn't get picked for that audition last night. there are still so many things i want to do and although i'm getting things lined up, there are going to be more opportunities for me. i can only keep trying. i have to say i was proud of him for finally seeing the bigger picture and not thinking with his emotions. its never really gone down that way and i've always been the one to grab him out of his hole and show him the light. but this time he did it virtually all by himself. because with us, we have lived a life that most people can't even imagine going through. one that i have only shared with a hand full of people because the need jerk reaction is pity. and the last thing i need is someone to feel bad for me because of the things i've been through. i don't feel bad for me so neither should anyone else. as she has always told me, i'm optimistic because i've already been the worst and i can only go up from here. so this is what we do. we take on another situation and move on from it with a smile on our face because even when its bad, it still isnt the worst we've come across in our lives.

and if i find the next person i tell about these things, i hope they will only be considerate of the things i say look at me with understanding eyes and know that i'm fine. but i doubt that person will come around any time soon and i doubt i'll want to talk about it any time soon....anyways

i continue doing things i've never done before and still only a week into this new year. only has be wondering whats next to come my way. i'm sure i'll make it through but i'm kind of excited to see where i go next. nothing really seems to surprise me much anymore but i would be happy if it did even if it was bad it would still be something different.

i was re-reading back old posts i put and i'm starting to realize almost every single post is about love. she's always telling me how much she enjoys hearing my stories because it almost plays out like this amazing love story, and i'm starting to realize...is this really all i think about? because i know during the day it almost never crosses my mind. maybe its the one thing i'm constantly tripping over and here in subconscious all i can do is talk about it. which makes sense because most of the things i say here are never the things i would say to the people that need them to be said to. I've decided to give that up because i'm constantly trying for someone who isn't trying for me. so whats the point in me saying things that probably won't change anything? i've put myself out there many times to be rejected and i honestly don't take it too much to heart because i keep telling myself it only means i'm just one step closer to love. but i hear her saying "i know when you're about to blow a good thing, and i'm not going to give you an ultimatum i'm going to tell you like this for batum" but i guess when you've already done that. you can just sit back and let go. because so far i have and my sights are already set on bigger horizons. i brought my truth and didn't hide anything. and because of that i'm satisfied.

shouldn't have to wait

she said, "he's getting here as fast as he can and you can't rush when he's trying to find you." but can that be so satisfying? to know that although he's trying to get here as fast as her i would have to still wait around for him? there are things i wait for and don't get me wrong there are plenty of things i am willing to wait for although i have no patience. but at this point i don't care. its only the 4th day of the new year and i've already done everything i said i went. i met new people who were really nice, started working out, really began learning french, looking into things i need to still finish. and this is the year of getting things done. finishing things i started and honestly that's only where my mine is right now. don't get me wrong i would love to have someone there to kiss me and hug me and hold me and do all those nice things i'm without at the moment. but right now i'm kind of okay with not completely having it right now and just trying to get done everything that is for me. because when i finally bump in to that guy that's been trying to get here as fast as he can i'm sure i can trust that he won't just let me slip through his hands like all the other ones have.