And then I found myself

There are points like these that I come across and I listen to sad music and I feel like every ounce of feelings have left my body. I can feel down on myself and I can feel so hopeless. When my day started I could have gotten wrapped up in all of that. It took 2 phone calls today to change that all around. I always feels like she hears when I need her. She called me at the right time to remind me I'm stronger than this. And she let me feel a sense of compassion I just hadn't let myself see prior to this point.

He can't be with me if he can even be with himself and that's something I should know about. Not because I relate but because it s a piece of advice I've given so many people. I miss him, but there isn't anything I can do to save him. Maybe he'll regret this. Maybe this will hurt him and maybe he'll realize how much I mean to him. But maybe won't repair my heart right now

Get happy

Where the chips may fall is not always where I want them to be. He says I need to get happy. Really? Just like that? They all tell me the same thing. He's confused. He's scared. He doesn't know what he wants. And all I hear is all the same shit I've heard before. From wire to wire the tears spread. And why? Because you wanted to be selfish. He was right when he said we were the only thing you really had control of in your life. Everything else was dismembered except us, so you took the one thing you had control of and broke it. You broke us. You broke me.

And I can sit here forever trying to rationalize your stupidity. But I can't. And I only call it stupidity because of the true definition of the word. What you are doing doesn't make any sense. It might hardly make sense to you. But it is far from it. If you were watching a great movie would you leave 30 minutes into it? If this was moving too fast for you why didn't you consider I would be gone the next month and a half? Things would've definitely stopped for a little while then. But instead you stepped out of us and if its what you needed then so be.

I hear the, at least he did this mow and not further down the road. Yes, thank you. Thank you for breaking MY heart now so you could not potentially break it later. Like really? That's so fucking stupid. None of us know what's going to happen tomorrow let alone 10 minutes from now to make such extreme choices. But I start to see mow everything was extreme for you. You go from one extreme to the next with no medium. It's be with me or nothing at all. You are an all or nothing kinda guy.

She said I have a black belt in this kind of situation by now. And she's right. Fuck my feelings at this point. My heart has checked out. I don't know when it's coming back. I'll get over this just as I did before. And I'm going to do tis different. You might think about me and contact me like you did this morning. I know you we're thinking about me. You showed your hand. But if you want to be gone, then do just that. He tells me he is utterly convinced you will regret this eventually because you will realize the person I was for you. That I could have been part of your purpose. Because you were part of mine. But now what am I supposed to think after this?

I'm taking the hit and waking up to a text no matter how friendly it might be, sets me back to square one. But it won't be like this for long. I hope you recognize that. With the past I've had to go through, I'm not the same. You want to abandon me like everyone else, you will be on that list with everyone else and I will move one faster than you think. Not because what I felt for you wasn't strong or real, but because I don't see you the same way. I'm not counting on you contacting me again. Maybe this time apart might sow you that you really do want me or that you want yourself more. Because that seems to be why you made the decision. Apparently everything we were was more about you. And it hurts more to know.

To know falling love with you meant me losing my heart. My love won't disappear over night but I can already see it leaving slowly from all of this because I'm sad over this. I'm so sad over this. But I'm more sad that you did this to us. Not just to me but to us. And your tears are validation of that.

And when I go to sleep I can still feel you hurting too.

Up in smoke

I watched myself hit a place where I lost total control. I haven't had a panic attack in so long I almost didn't recognize I was going through one, until I realized I had to let it all go because there was oohing I could do at this point. It is all out of my hands. And that gets me to where I am now.

I was packing the rest of my life in bags last night and came across the last memories I had of you. I don't exactly know why I held on to these specific items. I just know that they were there and I kept them out of sight. I read and looked over them one last time before tearing it all up and throwing it away. But it made me realize that loving him means I've finally let you go. But loving him means repeating my past in a very specific way. I can't just do that anymore. I know it will only break my heart again.

You might think I can't be so sure. But the pain I went through had a hold on me for so long I reuse to do that to myself again. If I'm not who he's looking to be serious with, then I might as well just walk away now. It's been 4 months. And like he used to tell me, if he's not ready by now, he'll never be ready. It's already hurting just thinking about it. But I know I can't let myself have these feelings like this and know that he can't be there for me the way I want even after 4 months. I can't make these feelings stop just as much as I can't make the same mistakes.

I fell in love with him. He's everything I want and because of that I have to let him go. This might not make sense now, but I don't want to be there 2.5 years later hearing him say its still not me and drive away with my broken heart in tow.

What I wouldn't give for you to be kissing me now.

In flames

I'm in the middle of the fire and its not even hot enough yet.

I take my 3rd degree burns in strides and I'll continue to take the heat and pray for the best. God knows I'll never stop thanking Hm for the moves I've made and I understand I have to cope with the heat to find the oasis in my mown personal hell. I'm not stepping out of this kitchen to find myself standing next to anyone else but her. Se keeps me from falling apart in all of this. I know I can defend on her consistency and even thou you've showed up to be a nice relief from my trials and tribulations. It's still too early to tell. I'm know for abandonment and you haven't been here long enough for me to know for sure.

I've been doing this on my mown for so long. And when the flames climb higher along my skin, I only machine I'm still in this alone. Finding my way through the flames. I'm going to get past all of this. I know I will. Sometimes it feels like I'm working so hard just to bury myself further into the ground. I know I'll find air that doesn't suffocate eventually. I'm not a pessimistic person just a realistic optimist.

I know I swim in the shark tank on the regular. This is a lifestyle I never wanted to blame you for. And I never will. Just understand I'm a storm to be reckoned wit. A force that is hard to handle. Today. Realize yet again just how severe I can be. I am THE challenge. It might seem enticing but you will get burned at some point or another. Not out of intent but out of my independence.

I have feelings for you they are there and very real. I just see how fickle my life can be sometimes. I won't burn up in flames. I might get too hot to touch from time to time, but the love that's here runs deeper than this fire.

Today it burns n my chest, but tomorrow it will all be another day in the past. God save my soul from being engulfed in the life that pulls me down to hell. My salvation is found in my faith and I believe I will be bigger than the flame eventually.

Don't do this to me again

My love is infinite...
My love is real...
So very very real...


For the most part I the last 3 years my heart had fallen int this numb state. There was nothing that could make its stone body move. It was solidified in its cold walls and I couldn't feel anything anymore. Until that night. You kissed me so softly with such a gentle tender touch that it ignited a fire in my chest and for the first time in what seemed like forever, I felt something. It was almost like it was a taboo. Something I Couldn't look at right away or it would disappear just as quick as it had been made.

Valentines day...you sat across that wooden table as we sat there by the window. Without seeing each other for a few days, the excitement was there, but we didn't talk about the things we already knew. Dinner was perfect, and so was watching Ryan Leslie perform. I took you to the bar to give you a piece of your home. As we sat there I realized how much I want you. Want you to be mine, just mine, just as much as I want to be yours. I had a creative block and didn't come up with much a gift. But yours was perfect. Remembering things I had almost forgotten. The obvious way to know that you care about me.

4 months in and I wonder why after everything you still need time. I start to reflect on how things were before and just can't do that again. There is a clock that is ticking and I really wish you make your decision before the alarm goes off, because as of right now it seems to be almost at that point.

He texts me every day and calls almost every other day. He sent me flowers to my office for valentines day. It was cliche although I appreciate the thought. He said it was his first valentine he ever sent, and he doesn't know me well enough to send anything meaningful. I have to tell him there is someone. He holds on with hope. He is a sweet person but I'm not using him or stringing him along. Where are the lines drawn when I'm still single?

He mixes me up with his apologizes of past crimes and explains he has to make it up to me. There is nothing to make up when I've moved on. He tells me he misses me and I almost want to feel bad but I don't for what he did. Friendship is as far as I'll take this and when he tells me he misses me, I don't understand in which context he's saying it but when he tells me almost every time he talks to me, I can't even assume. Never assume too much.

There is a love that runs deep in my writing. A love I had almost forgotten. Im trying to restore it back to its former glory. Somewhere inside myself I'm finding it. I'm working so hard and I'm starting to see where it's paying off. I just need to keep making this work and not fall back. I'm trying to make something of what I've been working so hard on. This is a marathon, not a race.

Sometimes Irish. Could decode his silence. But I realize I'm not meant to. He takes care of me in every way and I nurture him to the fullest. There is a component to all of this that works. And I don't bring up what I wish to say, except that one time I was really drunk. But that's a story for another time.

So,e nights you go to sleep next to me and I hear a voice in the back of my head that makes me want to turn to you just as you're about to fall asleep and whisper, "I love you" but I now that would not push yo away. So I keep my thoughts to myself until the day it can all be revealed...that I love you.