You know that moment when you realize you've become someone you didn't want to be? I'm realizing this all right now and only because I watched some stupid sitcom show. How easy it is to find out how stupid you've been?
He said he didn't want her to be the girl that comes over to have sex and then leave because he wanted more from her. He just wanted to spend time with her and know she would be there next to him when he woke up in the morning.
Once upon a time that was us. And it was you next to me. But now I get shirt visits for one thing and hardly a word in-between. You send me a picture telling me you're thinking of me while you're away and at first I smile and hope it's true until I realize... I wonder how many other girls you sent this to.
What a horrible place to let myself go. But at the end of the day, I'm tired of your shit. Actually, I'm tired of this shot. This has been on my mind for a while. And I just want it to be you and me the way we used to be but I don't think you know how to get back there when you always play the victim.
Anything I say you act too sensitive to and I'm back to square one. I'm no cheap thrill. I come for real every time. And apps felty that's always too much to handle. Because I'm not going to sugar coat and I'm not going to kiss your ass and I'm not going to let you treat me like I'm some play thing.
I want to believe I mean something to you. I want to believe in the words you say when you say I have your heart. But when I know what's really there, I know it's all the words that keep slipping from my hand.
He told me he feels himself getting colder. I told him to run as far as he can in the opposite direction because I had already reached the point of frost bite. And it has to be the worst feeling. This incredible feeling of indifference. To stop feeling pain or happiness with someone and to feel none of it matters anymore. Because nothing you do will ever change the way he looks at you.
You dont see me anymore. And my heart is quiet.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Friday, March 16, 2012
Hold on
It's funny the way she always insists on telling me I have to go through the frogs to find the prince. That there is someone out there exactly for me and he's trying to get here as fast as he can but he just hasn't gotten here and it's only a matter of time before he does. But what if I just don't care anymore?
I'm tired of even considering the possibilities. And the completely tragic thing about that is that I used to be such an optimistic person about it. I had such hope and unwiltering faith. But it took one serious heartbreak and a half a dozen knocks over the head to become a person who just doesn't care anymore. And I'm not sure how willing I am to change that at the moment.
And now working and making my career into something it should be and being a mother to kids that aren't mine have even further pushed my heart down the rabbit hole. They look at me with these eyes of longing. They have questions I can't answer because they are too young to know the truths of their situation. I can only shower them with the love I always have. And hope they remember that they were lived when they get old enough to know.
It doesn't even feel like there's something missing anymore. It's like I've stopped noticing the big hole in my chest. And I'm okay with that. I've let go of all the options that were finding themselves around me. They still try to contact me like I'm supposed to respond out of necessity. I keep dealing with needy and emotional hearts I don't have time to coddle. If my standards can't be met then I can't waste my time.
If I don't care I'm a birch and if I do care I've gone too far. So it's better to just take myself out of the equation all together at this point. Traveling, working, and living my life with this freedom is all I could possibly ask for right now. And just be happy. In fact, just be.
I'm tired of even considering the possibilities. And the completely tragic thing about that is that I used to be such an optimistic person about it. I had such hope and unwiltering faith. But it took one serious heartbreak and a half a dozen knocks over the head to become a person who just doesn't care anymore. And I'm not sure how willing I am to change that at the moment.
And now working and making my career into something it should be and being a mother to kids that aren't mine have even further pushed my heart down the rabbit hole. They look at me with these eyes of longing. They have questions I can't answer because they are too young to know the truths of their situation. I can only shower them with the love I always have. And hope they remember that they were lived when they get old enough to know.
It doesn't even feel like there's something missing anymore. It's like I've stopped noticing the big hole in my chest. And I'm okay with that. I've let go of all the options that were finding themselves around me. They still try to contact me like I'm supposed to respond out of necessity. I keep dealing with needy and emotional hearts I don't have time to coddle. If my standards can't be met then I can't waste my time.
If I don't care I'm a birch and if I do care I've gone too far. So it's better to just take myself out of the equation all together at this point. Traveling, working, and living my life with this freedom is all I could possibly ask for right now. And just be happy. In fact, just be.
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