you're stones won't ever hit me again

it felt like this great achievement. this amazing news to know that i had this amazing opportunity come my way. I feel like its something so big for me because this is my chance. this is my chance to meet my dreams. this is my chance to do all the things i had set out for myself. and i know when i show up on monday i'm going to hit the ground running. i have creative ideas i want to share and this is my opportunity to do that and get involved with all these amazing things. and i completely plan on taking the bull by the horns and going with it to the very best of my abilities. because i've only ever had dreams to make them come true. thank you God for giving me this drive to do things beyond the doubts i've ever had in myself and the doubts that other around me have tried to plant in me.

i feel awful that i can't be there for her right now. i sent her a care package because that's all i have. but she knows if i could've had it any other way i would be there with her helping her get through this. being her support system but i'm grateful she has someone there who really cares about her and is willing to go out of his way to take care of her.

he gives me a feeling i didn't think i would get back again. and i find myself not wanting to show him as much as i would like to because i'm afraid it will change the way things are. the way things have been going is so nice. i feel like every time i see him things go a little deeper. it feels nice to have my best friend and my lover be one and the same person again. i like the way i feel when i'm around him, even just talking on the phone. its nice to feel like he cares, and i'm happy that i can show him how much i care about him by being myself and a girlfriend i think he can appreciate. sometimes i wonder just how much he feels when he looks into my eyes.

he found his excuse to walk out the door. i think about how i knew this was going to happen. i knew it was going to come. but i still can't understand why he would leave his family this way. why he would break his wife down that way. why he would be this way. and i don't sympathize. this is a hard situation for us too and we don't like it either but you don't see me saying "fuck you guys i'm outta here." no because i don't give up that easily. i go through the hard times because i happen to believe that once they are over something good is inevitably bound to follow. even if its just a small glimpse of happy, as long as its there i will continue to move on. maybe that's just me. maybe i'm the fool for believing things to be that way. but i would like to believe God blesses me sometimes. i like to believe that God puts me in these hard situations so that i can appreciate all the other great things he puts before me. I take happiness out of the small things like a small flower or a beautiful moon because it makes me feel like despite everything that might be bad in my life, there is still beauty in the world. there is still someone who loves me. there is still someone i count on. and there is still a life to live. my life has been full of people who came and went as they pleased only to break my heart until there was no more to break. but i learned that they don't matter. they don't matter enough to break me apart anymore because i'm going to keep on with my life. I've been blessed to be able to walk, see, hear, smell, and have my other senses. i'm blessed every day i get to breathe. and i'm going to advantage of that and live it to the fullest and anyone who wants to leave is not going to stop me from doing that. not even my own father.

i've put up with enough of his verbal abusive tendencies. and years ago i let it go because this man will never accomplish in his lifetime the things that i have. this man will never be where i am because he decided being a bully and dropping all of his opportunities was a better life for him. he has gone through his own hardships and i'm sorry for those, but he let it change him into and angry,bitter, negative person and i'll be damned if i let him turn me into who he has become. i have the opportunity to do something with myself and i'm going to do it. once upon a time you used to break my heart and make me feel like the smallest person in the world. you used to make me feel like the piece of shit you told me i was. but never again. never again will i ever let you tear me down the way you used to when i was a kid. i'm a woman completely capable of amazing things and i will do it all despite you. i will do everything i set out to do without you. because i have this far. you never comforted me through any of the bullshit i had to go through you only made it even more worse. and if you leave now, i won't ever have to deal with it anymore.

i remember sitting in the office, in that chair, explaining to an outside view what it was like to live in this life with you, and the sympathy and remorse from a professional is not always easy to swallow. i've known for far too long i just needed to get away from you, and now you've done us both the favor. because from now on our relationship will never be the same. and yah i do feel bad about that to a certain degree but really, you ruined our relationship a long time ago. so there isn't much of a relationship to cry over. and i honestly don't feel sad, mad, depressed, angry, happy, joyous, or anything. i am indifferent to you now. and that is the worst feeling you could ever provoke from someone. indifference. because the opposite of love has never been hate, but indifference. when you just don't care whether the person comes or goes. and that is where i am now. this is the place you've put me. and i just don't care. i'll deal with it all just fine, on my own time, in my own way, and move on from it the way i have with everything else. with a smile on my face and a sincerity in my heart because i will never stop being true to myself.

its gonna be a riot

it feels so good. like waking up from a coma. i've been so blah for too long it feels good to feel my normal happy self again. i know she's going to http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=2575309976694782108be happy to hear all about it. it feels so good to be happy again feeling like i can finally take anything that's thrown at me because i'm going to come back from it. i was numb for a while there and i know she knew but not really anybody else did. but that's okay because now that it's over i can forget all about it.

so happy to get my first interview opportunity. i don't even care if i don't get the internship as long as i get the experience of being interviewed. and this would be an incredible opportunity. it feels like it would be a great start. wouldn't hurt to give it a try but i'm hoping. always hoping, but trying to make things happen.

so spontaneity has been lucky for me. i like it and it was nice just to sit there and chill especially since it gave me this amazing idea for a birthday present but we'll see if i can swing it cuz it might be a little tricky. but i'll see what i can do.

its ironic the way his words played so well to my insecurities. luckily for myself my confidence/optimism/hope/whatever adjective can be used, can easily reason out my insecurities. he pointed out the things i had my doubts in. like maybe i do want to be with him more than he wants to be with me. maybe he is ashamed of our relationship. maybe i should've let him leave when he wanted to leave because maybe he still doesn't want to be with me. but then i realized i don't care. i sincerely don't care. i don't care if he puts it out there on facebook. i don't care if he mentions me in twitter. because that's high school drama kinda shit. and i know that i hear from him every day. i know that he tries to see me when he can and tries to make more time for me when he can. i know that when we're together everything is fun and chill. i know that he gets scared of these feelings sometimes because he doesn't want to get hurt, but i also know he cares about me. i know he has feelings for me. and i know he knows that we've got something here if given the chance.

so when i hear the pessimistic banter of an outside view that doesn't know what its like to see it from the inside, i know i don't care. because my man knows me and i know my man. and isn't that all that really matters? because i still get nervous when i'm right about to see him. i get really happy when i'm around him. i feel special when i know he's thinking about me. and i feel completely comfortable when he's wrapping himself around me. the laughs, the fun, the smiles, the jokes makes all the other negative just go away. because i'm happy i can be there to listen to him when he's down or exhausted. and that we are perfectly content in the company of each other.

it was exactly what i needed. a concert always seems to jumpstart me when i'm down or just plain out of it. and this one did the trick and now i'm just excited for the next ones to come and do the same things so i can keep this feeling going for a while cuz the next couple of weeks are definitely going to be pretty crazy but i'm ready for it. time to take hold and lets go!

so sue me for being genuinely happy, optimistic, and grateful for the people in my life and things i've done for myself. being dissatisfied with yourself has nothing to do with me. and nothing will ever change if you don't change it!

cause everyone can see i'm a lady, got my mind made up.

day to day

day to day...

i've come to realize that i'm feeling the way i used to those months ago. when i didn't really care and i wasn't stressed about the situation but completely happy in it. ps: i don't like it when he points out my happiness sometimes because its embarrassing and i don't always know if he's as happy as i am. that's no really a justification just a poor excuse. but true nonetheless. but it is nice to be this kind of happy. its been a while since i've been this kind of happy with him, and its almost like being home again. i missed the laughs, the teasing, the music, and just the natural fun in having a genuine conversation where i didn't have to be self conscience of my thoughts.

i do still hold back, but its never intentionally its just something i do without really thinking about it sometimes because i think i'm scared of letting myself have all these feelings for him again because every time i do, he pushes me away. and if i could be secure in the idea that he isn't going to jump ship when he gets the opportunity to, then i probably wouldn't be so "proceed with caution" the way i am. i know i'll get over it sooner than later, mainly because i know i'm going to need to if i can finally give this relationship all i have to give. and i'm starting to feel myself getting back to that place and its nice.

i wanna be on a jet plane that takes me straight to your arms.


i was feeling really restless about the whole thing but now that i've gotten myself back up again and trying to get out there again with all this, i'm feeling a lot better about it. not because i know i'm going to find something but because i have faith in myself to work hard to find whatever i need to find to get myself somewhere. and it feels good to know i'm trying. which always has be wondering why people don't try for things more. it is a very liberating feeling to try for something or someone even if it turns out completely horrible the fact of knowing that you tried with everything you have should be satisfying. or at least for me it is but that could just be me. some times it can feel inefficient but on the other hand if my best couldn't be the best for something or someone then it is what it is. and someone or something else will think i'm completely amazing at my best. or i can at least hope it is.

they told me another had bit the dust. i wasn't necessarily surprised but it had me thinking what i would do if it was me. what kind of reaction would i have if i got the test and it came up positive. would i keep it? but then i realized that i can't answer any of those questions without the circumstances. who would be the father? where would i be? what would i be doing? or trying to do? i could put it in my situation now but it almost seems too unrealistic. i guess i'll just have to cross that bridge if it ever gets built.

my hopes are building up. i feel them and it almost really scares the crap out of me, and i would say that means something but its never really stopped me before. i could be the most scared i've ever been but find myself running to jump out of the plane. sometimes i wish i wasn't always that way and so impulsive, but then again i would have missed out on a lot of important things in my life if i was any different. she said the best relationship is the one that encourages you and inspires you to be what you always hoped you would be. i agree with that. and i think it might be true for me. i can hope that its true for him. but i guess that's just something to find out.

because i still believe

Its all in the kiss

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chances, changes, choices

"lightning doesn't always strike twice, it's a once in a lifetime thing. even if it feels like the shock is coming over and over again. eventually the pain will go away, the shock will wear off. and you start to heal yourself. to recover from something you never saw coming, but sometimes the odds are in your favor. if you're in just the right place at just the right time, you can take a hell of a hit and still have a shot at surviving."



I poured out my heart to her. i told her my epiphany, which seemed to make more sense once i started explaining it out loud to her. i think i just felt better saying to her because i knew she would tell me if i was completely off base or in the right. and to my utter surprise she agreed with my excessive amount of words, explaining the way i think we function. she told me "no one can be on all the time, gosh imagine how exhausting that would be. you are just having an off moment, it will pass." so simple in her words and i'm reborn again. reborn in hope holding on.

she told me she knows that he has feelings for me, that they are there but that they are buried beneath a lot of fear right now and that once those fears go away the comfortableness will be reinstated and everything will be fine. she said it might take time but that with that time she knows everything will be alright.

although i do not understand the meaning of love, i do not mind if i die trying

you know when you have one of those random bright shining thoughts that find their way through everything? this incredible epiphany? well i had one of those today. when i mean today i mean like 2am. and although it is quite possible i let this get away with me as i usually do, because i am one of those people that blog senselessly which i've come to know can come and bite you in the ass as i saw social network last night, but when you are one of those people that have too many thoughts and this is the only way to get them out, then oh well, it is what it is. so here we go...

i was thinking about when he said that he was feeling the connection wasn't there the way it used to be and that things didn't feel as natural, and it hit me that that was definitely total crap. (sorry to put it that way but keep in this with me for a second). the reason i say this is because it hit me that the connection and naturalism of it all goes beyond us. it is bigger than us because of this, as i've come to realize, even sitting there crying my eyes out being angry at myself, i could still as you said, open you up when you're closed. i've seemed to have this talent many times and i saw that it is a natural talent that i have with you. just as you have the natural talent of knowing i'm thinking of something i might not be saying.

its a natural thing we have with each other that no matter what we've always had. its the same feeling we get when we just start talking to each other and all of a sudden everything is comfortable and effortless. and you know the kind of talking i'm talking about. its like this invisible language that just exists. which is why even when we might not see the chemistry, connection, natural, organic way we are, its still always there. its always there even when we can't feel it because we are still capable of doing these things for each other. we have this knowledge of each other that keeps us here, its like that "you look different but you feel the same" kinda thing. that even if you don't know it immediately, i know we still have our connection. and i think you are right that it was completely unexpected the way things went but,

they went. for some reason you sat there and you asked me. because it was impulsive, but an impulse you took that you've never taken before for the last however over a year. ok now i might be getting beyond myself. i guess all i'm trying to say is that whether we think the chemistry is there or not i believe it is or we wouldn't be able to still be able to do these things like know how the other person is feeling and be able to say the right things all the time or do the right things that just make us wonder. wonder how it could be possible that this person exists and happens to be standing in front of me.

"now that i'm here, baby, show me a good time."



today i asked myself what i would do if you ever read this blog. i guess when i really think about it i don't think i would care. i wouldn't care because a lot of this is all just me getting everything off my chest so i can get it out of my head. and if it hurts to read some of it of course i'm sorry that it hurts because i never want to hurt you, but it was just the way i was feeling at the time. i know some needs explanation. but at the same time i don't think i'd have to worry about any of that anyways because i really don't think the moment would come when you would read any of this.

i guess i'm just hoping you have an epiphany about us that shows you clearly what i've seen. it was like a dream that explained all of my questions. in a way that i might not be able to relay so clearly back, but enough to make me think, this could be totally real.

when lightning strikes twice

IT's this rare occasion that we can choice to see as a chance that just happened or actually take it for a second opportunity to make things different.



she called and asked, "how are you feeling?" she had no idea what had happened and all i could tell her was, "i have no idea what i'm doing. why am i doing this?" and like she does she shattered me whole and said, "because you know there is something worth fighting for." i wanted to be so angry and i know in the beginning i really was because i didn't know what why i had gotten back to this place with you. i wanted to give up get up and just walk away without even saying good bye. but that's not how i do things and once i saw you shut off the way you do, yah it brought me to tears because i realized it. i realize that here you are afraid to jump off the plane wiht me but i'm sitting there having to talk you off some kind of cliff because you're scared. like a horse that gets spooked easily. there was pressure and i can see that but is it worth losing me? you are so scared of saying good bye but you're saying good bye anyways. and that's what had me so upset that's what had me so mad at you because i know the uncertainty is scary and can bring about a fear that's got you convincing yourself of things that aren't even real. and i'm sitting there trying to bring you back to reality. that i'm here and i'm not going to hurt you, and there's no reason to be afraid of me. i'm not anyone else to be compared to. i'm me. and you know that. i wish there was some way i could just make all your fears go away, and sometimes i think i can when i talk you down from that cliff of false pretenses.

i care. i care about you, and you might have fallen out of love with me but i never feel out of love with you. and i'm here because of that. i'm here because i don't see a good enough reason to give up on us. i see soemthing worth fighting for. because when we're around each other and we just talk and let the feelings just flow everything just feels so right. everything feels happy. and i'm happy. and i hope you feel the same all the time. i hope you feel like i'm the best friend you've been wanting. i want you to want me. i'm never trying to be your everything, but just your somebody. that somebody that you look for when you need someone to talk to you, when you need someone to lean on, when you need to know someone cares about you. because i've always cared about you. and i'm always trying to be here for you. and i keep thinking you're going to see me. i just hope i'm right and i just hope you stay true to your expectations. don't make yourself out to be a liar. because i know somewhere inside of you, you care.