Bated on the moments

If will you have me I'll make you happy Need someone to whom I can belong Here's my confession Saving it special Hoped it would be you all along All along

I freaked out. I don't know why. I started losing my sense of control. I was freaking out and nothing was happening and i wish i could explain it. I realized I have to sto talking to you about these things. I need to be more mature in my reactions. I need to stop letting the fear take over like its more imporant that your love. It never was.
I'm going to make some changes. I can start with my baby steps and I have. But I need to be able to ask you for help. I'm going to need to be able to know I can trust you. My heart knows what it wants. i want you. and somewhere deep in your heart i'm there. because you know you want me. No matter how cocky that might sound its the truth. its there in you and I keep pushing you back further aways from me. But that all stops now.
Not to say that its going to stop immediately, but to say that I'm going to work on making it stop completely. Becuase I don't want to lose you. You are my best friend. You are there for me. And i need to start treating you as such. You are not the bade of my emotional existance in this relationship. I need to let all of that go. My fear and insecurities got so much bigger than me. Because emotions are not easy for me. From all the past pain. But i'm working on that. and i'm going to continue to go throught his healing process.
for you i'm just going to be me. i'm going to love you with all i have to give and be the woman you fell in love with. I'm going ot get out of my head and just be us. just love you unconditionally. and let that just be that. because that's all i can do and hope that love is enough.

Bet

That moment when you've literally been applying every day and nothing seems to be working. nothing seems to be giving. you get a glimmer of hope and then you think "maybe this time something will change" but then it doesn't for one reason or another. I feel so tired. So rejected. So exhausted. My mind, heart, and just being can't seem to take the constant rejection, every day for months on end. Then I come home and sometimes there's even more rejection. Not to say that its there all the time, but sometimes I make rejection the whole of all my problems. He can't talk abou this love...rejection. He can't be intimate with me....rejection. He can't consider our future...rejection. Four job rejection emails today....rejection. Your resume is "too junior" (even though I have over 5 years of experience)...rejection. I am not the father that's going to say i'm sorry or tell you i'm proud of you...rejection. There's so much rejection that I am constantly having to fight against. Maybe the key is to just stop fighting. I have happy moments in my life. Don't be confused about that. I get sick and he's there. even when I don't think he will be. A part of me is sad that I don't expect him to show up or that I expect him to say mean things. But he doesn't do that when i need him and there is an acceptance there. I am just having a hard time right now. I have a way of focusing on the bad without realizing, I started my own business. That is actually doing well. I have a man that takes care of me when i'm sick and looking my worst. Who still tells me he loves me every day before he goes to sleep. I am a better parent to my kids than my parents could have ever been to me. I am trying constantly trying and I have accomplished more than i'll ever give myself credit for because it still isn't enough. I guess I can't expect to be enough for him when i'm not enough for myself. But then i'm only saying this because I just got a very disappointing email about an opportunity I thought i was a sure fit for. I know you can never be too sure but its nice to dream from time to time. That maybe this time. just maybe this time... He will see me.

Don't walk away

He doesn't realize it's not the end of the world It doesn't have to be that bad She tried to explain, "It's you that makes me happy," Whatever, whatever, whatever Whatever happens, don't let go of my hand

You know when they say you don't know what you've got till its gone? I've come to realize what I have when it was almost really gone. Now, I would do anything to keep it. A part of me still fears you'd rather be gone. But I don't want you to go anywhere. you know when you're in that space of wanting to keep someone but not wanting to make them feel they have to stay if they don't want to? I am almost overwhelmed with just how much I love him. I know that sounds kinda crazy, but its true. It was literally like overnight I fell in love with im all over again. I wish I could make him feel the same way. That the possibility of losing me was something he would do anything to prevent. But I think when that possibility presented itself this time he wasa already getting ready for it. It was a little heartbreaking when he said he feared more of being the bad guy than losing me. I had always believed he had a fear of losing me. It made me hold on in the times that I didn't think I could. I made myself believe that he cared for me so much that he was afraid of seeing me go. Knowing that what i believed isn't the truth was a hard pill to swallow. I'm literally listening to "Man in the Mirror" and listening to the lyric when he sings he is looking in the mirror and making a change. I need to make a change. super cliche i know but really its true. I need to stop worrying about the things that I can't change. I keep tellhim to just love me but i need to just love him. I'm afraid of loving him too much but why? What is the harm in loving someone? i mean ya i could get my heart completely broken, as i have experienced in the past. but its that exact heart break that got me to love him as much as i do now. I know that i have something good because i've had really really bad. At the end of the day, and no matter how much of a bad guy he thinks he is (which he absolutely isn't, because everything he is feeling is valid), I love this man. This is the man I can see myself spending my life with and who I want to spend my life with. He might not have realized this for himself yet because I put his mind in the opposite direction, but I will do everything I can and everything i need to so that he knows, i'm here to stay. He doesn't have to prepare for the end because I love him with all his faults with all his good sides, because he takes care of me, and he loves me. I know he loves me and cares for me. I am not dissillusioned and I am not naive. And regardless if there is a possibility that I am, I will never regret that love I have given him and the love I still have to give. Do you remember the time when we fell in love? He has been there by my side through much more than anyone was willing, and I have supported all of the decisions he's made for his life. I will continue to support him and love him for who he is. I mad the mistake of not seeing that before and he made the mistake of giving up. Now its time to get back to who we are and who we are to each other. Because fate had us there at the right time at the right place and I don't wnat to give up. I just don't.