if it isn't love

New Edition - If It Isn't Love




it can be so frustruating when i'm telling you what bothering me and i'm telling you how i'm feeling and everything that's going on and when i finish all you can do is say you're sorry and that you're going to change but my argument is that you don't tell me how you feel and then you continue to not tell me how you feel. what the hell is that? where are you? where have you been? fix it because this love is hurting me now.

sooner than later

I don't understand how listening to this song gives you a good unexplainable feeling when i'm saying its like you saying this to me. because time is not just the only issue and i keep thinking i might not be able to do this anymore but i'm willing to give you the time to be the person i need you to be emotionally. there is no excuse for you to be emotionally limiting or lazy with me. and i can't take it anymore. i feel like i can't keep being the one to open up. i can't be the one to keep talking. because these lights aren't glowing the same way they used to. and i want to miss you. i want to love you. i want you to be the one i'm wanting but right now i can't see it. i can't feel it. i don't know if everything else that happened is just adding this all into the mix but i just can't seem to hold on to it anymore. being neutral is not where i want to be but the fire isn't there inside you that i need. you've lost yourself in your life and i can't help you find you. i tried but one step forward and two steps back is a way i can't live. and so this is your chance. this is your chance to show me that this could be your opportunity to change the way things are. because i don't know how much longer i can go not feeling wanted. not feeling like you desire me at all. i don't know how much longer i can go being quiet on purpose on the phone just to see if you'll say anything or talk about anything and all get silence. i need substance. the things you give me and the things you buy is nothing i need. i need you and that's the one thing you won't give me. so if this is where is has to end. and if this is the way things have to be. i'll accept and move on from you because i'll know its possible that you have just finished growing in your person and i have out grown you. all i can ask from you now is to prove me wrong.

so please prove me wrong.

sorrow

I feel this ever intense need jerk reaction with ever slip or move. almost like i'm waiting for everything to go wrong at any moment.i don't want to feel like my world is crashing but it is. and i haven't had time to deal with it so i haven't had time to try and make myself feel better or to even fix this feeling. and now i feel like its just all crashing down and its burning inside of me like a fire that wants to kill everything in its path. and i can't help but feel like its soon to go swirling out of control.

they say death is attached to us and we can't escape it but only accept it. and i'm wondering why love just can't be enough. even though i know it only pushes further into that attachment. this is just something i have to do and this has to be something i just let go of for now because i can't do this someone. i have to do this on my own. its the only way i'm going to be able to fix me. me. me. me.

and i need to be fixed.

trouble is a friend of mine

I was fooling myself for a while thinking that it wasn't true. there was some kind of hoax played on me. that the casket that was lowered into the ground before me did not contain the body of a man that made me everything i was. that she wasn't there crying out how much she loved him because he husband of 54 years was gone and my grandfather was still alive at home with her while she cooked him dinner. but all of this came crashing through me like a wrecking ball.

I had to have that dream. he had to come to me in a dream telling me i couldn't go any further with him. i was dying inside. i am dying inside. i feel like there is so much of me that left with him and i can't help but feeling this depression is bringing everything to a negative. everything.

It is all starting to manifest itself in my mind that love isn't enough for me right now. i need conversation. i need to be told no. i need opinion. i need decisiveness. i need someone to put me in my place. because at this moment in time i feel like its all slipping away when it could all be saved. i never asked for perfection i only asked for an honest genuine feeling that i don't feel like i'm getting that i don't think i've gotten. and now that these emotions have been displaced everything that i've been letting slip over my shoulders is shoving itself in my face. and there is a hurt that can be manifested through that. and that has been manifested through that and i can't help but think that this could have all been prevented. that this could have all been ok if i didn't feel like i was the past and you are the me that was. and that's what is really killing me. feeling like i'm the person i despise is an awful feeling. no matter how much you tell me that things are not that way i can only see the obvious that i am that person not out of choice but by default. and now its starting to get to me.

because temptation comes knocking at my door with a smile that would knock you down and a resume' that would impress the dull. and i can't help but feel nothing because i'm hoping he'll change and i feel back in the same spot i was and i keep hearing that no one believes it will work. i keep hearing that it can't work after the point in which it is. and i don't want to give up on the potential i was so hopeful for but i also can't put myself back in the position of hoping for a change that will never happen. this space is going to be the make or break role that i need right now to get me to that point of conclusion. because right now i'm leaning towards a break i dont think i'm prepared for. not because he is an awful person and a bad other half. but because the things i were hoping would change havent and i'm tired of hearing that time is the issue. because it only pushes me further to the idea that maybe now isn't the right time then and that this could be better in the future.

because no matter how much temptation has its way of creeping up to my ear. its not what i'm looking for. its not what i want even if it thinks there is a potential future. i only see you in my sights when it comes to a future situation. i only hope that with time these issues that are pulling me two ways will be resolved. because i'd rather be only and satisfied than together and dissatisfied. it sounds so horrible because he hasn't done a bad job. its just that i can't be someone's decision making factor. i can't do that someone. i can't do whats been done to me. i just can't. it makes me feel so horrible inside and only adds to the frustruation and depression i have right now. i need someone who has me always saying no to temptation. my soul is crying out and if it isn't heard i know its only characteristic is to leave and move on by its own will. and no matter how hard i might try to stop it. if it is not proven wrong and if nothing changes. you are the one that closed the door to that chapter.