treading the line of fantasy and reality

"i'm ready to go. lead me into the light."

everything is ready. new york is ready for me. its crazy in this completely amazing way. i know i always set my mind to things but to see what i want taking shape the way it is just has me amazed at myself. i'm moving forward with everything which is making it easier to leave so many other things behind. its just crazy that its turning out to be the way i had always wanted it to be.

i've fought so much to get here. and this is still only the beginning and i'm going to keep giving what i have to give to make it so much more incredible and i know i'm going to get there. some way some how i'm going to make something of myself and be exactly who i want for myself and this is just the first step. its just crazy that i only have 4 months. and counting. starting over yet again. and i'm okay with that. i really want to. i really need to. this was always something i said i was going to do and now i'm doing it.

"So tired of waiting. come baby."

she told me she knows he's going to find out. she thinks its going to compel him to talk to me before i leave. but i doubt it. i really do. i mean i know he'll find out. but i don't think he'll care enough to come say good bye or anything. i mean we already did that as far as i know. and i'm sure that's how he feels. that the good byes have been said and there isn't a need to go back and say them again. especially with me leaving to live across the country. paris blues yet again. why is it always this way? i need to just stop asking those questions. it just seems its always going to be this way.

he tells me its always been bad timing for us. but its always been bad timing with everyone that's tried to be with me. it might always be that way. its possible that it might not be. but its also possible it really does run deep and run wide. i'm going to find the day when someone sees more than what i know and takes it and runs with it. makes us something better than myself by myself. and i will embrace it for what it is and just live. just live in the depths of love. because i'll always have everything else. but love is something to cherish and take with you when you have it. keeping youself from it because you're hidden behind dramas and issues only leaves yourself to blame for your short comings. but i refuse to embrace those things. i won't let the lack of love in my life with significant others keep me from believing its possible to have someone love me in such a complete way. so here's to love and all its incredible possibilities. i'll fly to you one day.

fireworks

We were driving around talking and everything was calm until he told me the news that's going to change my life. He lets me know he is going to talk to him to transfer me over because its something he knows i've wanted. it's something i know that i want. I am almost amazed but mostly speechless. wondering if this is for real. until he asks me how soon i can move. i tell him as soon as possible until i realize that's not wise. i decide a few more months would be smarter because i can build up my growing portfolio. She calls me and tell her to not feel obligated to say yes. that to say no would be perfectly okay. and when i tell her and ask her for probably the biggest favor i've ever asked from her. she says yes and i feel the tears building up in my eyes because now its all real. and its going to happen. and my dreams are coming true. and i can't believe its happening so soon. so quickly. i made this happen for myself and i worked so hard for it. to be able to say now that in four months i will be living in new york! yes its true. i leave in june. i'm still completely amazed.

i told her today and she cried but knew that it was something that was always going to happen. i know its going to be hard for her to let me go but she just needs to. because this is what i've always wanted for myself and now its happening. its going to be hard to leave everything but i know i can do it and i know i can keep the friends that i love so dearly. but this is a huge opportunity for me. and i can do it. i know i can.



we went back to his place. i was amazed by the books. he was scanning over my tattoos. his hands were soft and his kiss was not the way i had thought it would be. and it was what i wanted. it was what i needed. he makes me laugh and has a curiosity about him. and now i know he never over sold anything. i felt pretty. i felt like i was something good. i felt like what i needed in that moment. we left laughing and joking as we usually do. and i got into my car and drove away realizing i wanted more.

we went out to a bar i hadn't been before and when he got into the car i saw something i had kind of seen before but dismissed all the time. i always knew he wanted me but never gave him any false pretenses. until that night. and it got to a point of no turning back and i was okay with it until the moment it was going to happen. he had me where he wanted me but i just couldn't. and instead he took me back. i felt bad but i was too tired to know the difference. until the next day when i wanted to hold his hand. while he was trying to say he wants me in his drunk state of mind. here i am perfectly fine with it all. i think that's because i know it can't last.



"I'll follow you. I'll follow you deep sea, baby."

i don't know how i would feel if you knew. i don't know how you would feel if you knew. i keep myself believe you wouldn't care. but i know you'll find out. i wish i could tell you. in four months i'm leaving.

dance while you can

i'm still waiting and i'll keep dancing while i wait. i'll keep dancing waiting for you.

we can do better than i can. we can be better than i can. dance while you can. love out of lust.

dance dance dance with me. i'm waiting for you to dance with me. you always left me to dance in the dark alone. but i'm waiting for you to bring the light and dance with me. love out of lust. love out of lust.

maybe. just maybe. one day, you'll find me.

long ago and far away

first i have to apologize for any spelling errors. i'm a stickler for them but i just get too lazy to go back and edit. so sorry for those.

I tell him good night and he won't let me sleep. he talks to me all day and i can't deny that i like it. i enjoy it. and it makes me laugh. he makes me laugh. but yet i can't help feeling this would be such a bad idea. i want to push it away gently but even that seems like a bad idea. i'm just going to leave it up to fate to decide. because i can't make anymore of these decisions. i don't want to make any more of these decisions.

he texts me twice to wake me up. i'm awake and already annoyed with him. oh "muscles" don't replace me wanting you. you ruined it for me and yet you're still asking for me. you're still asking about me. he's like a child knocking at my door wanting more that i won't give him. that i won't give anyone right now or for a long while. he wants me to be interested. he wants my time. but i'm not putting in any more effort. i'm over doing that right now.



i'll be there in a month. i'm excited to see my family. i'm excited to see my very best friend graduate. i need the time. i need to escape. i need the love. i'm moving on with better things in my life. listening to bands and meeting people i never could have dreamed. but i need them to keep my grounded. remind me of the things i still have in my head and help me get over those things. i know she makes me write here as much as i can to help me. and he tells me to let myself feel the sadness and hurt. but i'm still...i don't know. i really don't even know.

i told her everything. she told me to proceed with caution because it is a tricky situation. he's older and has a certain knowledge of things i trust. she tells him that events that occurred and she asks why he would do something like that and what does it mean. he simply says, "its all in your question. he thought she was going to be there. its like a stab in the front. but what i want to know is what did she do?" i told him i went to san fransisco instead and all i heard was a burst of laughter. i asked him what was so funny. he said, "because he's obviously more invested in it than you are to go with someone he doesn't even like thinking you're going to be there, and you don't even show up! you are definitely not as invested." I wonder if he's right and she says she thinks he is. i'm starting to think he could be and i have these distractions and might have another one as of sunday. but i find myself still upset. i had a dream the other day that i was sleeping in his bed again and i could almost feel the blankets. and i don't know why. i don't know what that means.



i watched the move "cover girl" with gene kelly and rita hayworth. and if you ever read this. if you ever cared about us. if you ever think about us. please watch it. please. in the last 30 minutes. at least i'm pretty sure its the last 30 minutes. the old man is walking her down the aisle to the wrong man she is about to marry and he is finishing up telling her the tale of his past love. and you are the piano player. and i can't forget our song. just watch it. whole heartedly watch it. i don't know if you'll ever feel the way i felt about it. but the way it made me feel to see it and hear it is why i wonder how invested i really am.

and if it was all a secret, i wouldn't know otherwise. i've let myself believe the things you've shown. and it just seems so cruel.

every word is true.

you son of a gun

oh valentine, lover.

"'cause i know about my love. 'cause i know about my heart."

the trip was full of adventure and exciting laughter. they dressed me up and made me something to look at apparently. i don't care about the attention, but it does make for meeting interesting people. one in which was a really great guy from england but what happens in vegas stays in vegas. so...

i wasn't expecting any of this. i wasn't expecting the texts from 11am to 2:30am. i wasn't expecting the sarcastic banter that has me wanting more. i wasn't expecting the flirting. the enticing conversations and the surprising attraction. but its a tricky territory i shouldn't embark on. i know i should go there. its bad. it could be very very bad. but that's why i want to so bad. and i know he wants to. i know he wants me. or he wouldn't be so concerned that he's 6 years older. he wants to talk to me. he wants to know about me. and i can't help but be completely attracted to how smart he is. he might be a little smarter than me in fact. or at least he holds himself that way. but i can't go there. and it would be bad. the not so innocent flirting is fine for now. but then why did i get him a gag gift while i was there? i don't think we have any idea what we're doing but just going with it because its so much fun. i guess i'll just keep seeing where its going, but definitely proceeding with caution. but it would be so much fun.

They are setting me up to get me out there. i still don't know how much i really care. i will give this one a shot just to see what happens. i'm at odds with certain things and i'm trying to find my way through it. i told them it made me sad and i went on this roller coaster of ups and downs with it, and i know i will for a little while longer. but it will be okay. i will be okay. i always am and i'm finding it to be a lot easier. i guess now i'm 3 out of 3. but the third was definitely the charm. and i really wish it wasn't. damn him and his really cool sneakers and 6'3"-ness, his shelves and shelves of music and books that had me memorized the first time i went to his apartment. ugh, this curiosity will most definitely kill this cat. luckily i've already warned him, i'd be too much for him. i am the girl that turns your world upside down. i will set a precedent because i can never be defined like the rest.

luckily my travel plans are growing. looks like i'll be east bound next month. can't wait to be there. i love it so much. and then a couple months later looks like it'll be really east bound. hello thailand and japan. i'm so glad i make all my dreams come true.

i want to find myself in the midst of it. i want to be in the thick of everything that makes me whole. i want to feel the happiness on my skin. i want to breath the calm. i want to feel it all over my body. and bring together all my pieces. i am so close. and never too far. i believe in things bigger than myself that make it all possible to be everything bigger than what i believe. take my hand and i'll show you a hell of a life. as he said, "there's a hell of a world out there. let's go."

the way that it should be

I wish you could've seen what I saw.
But now he's heading my way.
And I'm waiting for him.
And he's hoping for me.
He'll give me everything he can.
And it will be enough.
He will fight for me when needed.
Care for me like its second nature.
i'll steal his heart and he won't ever mind.
Because this was always more than the scene of a movie.

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just for shits n gigs

When you grow a pair, you can call me back.

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twists and turns

she called me today and i finally got to tell her the latest events of the last 5 days. which seems so crazy that i hadn't told her all of it. i told her what i was told and all she could say was, "its sad to go with someone you don't even like, but its even more sad to have had the best girl who was normal and could've been the greatest thing to happen to him and give it up to be single but end up just being that lonely." she reassures me that i ended up making the right choice by not going and just going on with my life and being with my friends instead. i tell her that her card was perfect at the perfect time but hen again she always has that way. at least i know i have someone that reads me that well.

i told her about "muscles" (hahaha). she told me she always knew i would never have any problems in that area but she knew how i was really feeling. she told me its okay to feel the sadness sometimes just not all the time to the point where it gets too much. she tells me to keep letting everything out here because she knows it helps me. she encourages the good in my life right now. but all i can tell her is that i'm still in this grey area that i haven't quite figured out yet. she says she knows it was the too much for me. that i had finally met my emotional limit. and now i have to try and come back from that. but now that i know its all over i can. there's nothing i can do to change what happened. and there's nothing i can say to change anything and to be quite honest i shouldn't have to. i did nothing wrong. in fact i did everything i could've done for the best. i think that's why i get to this point of feeling like "really?!" and "seriously?!" after all of that i still ended up at the beginning and nothing had changed. i should have known but i didn't want to give up on anyone. i need to learn how to do that.

but then i realize. hate is a strong so i really really really don't like you. hahaha (i put the "haha" cause i really am laughing. wow i'm such a nerd. anyways...) i don't know i just. sometimes i guess. well...i guess i really do give up now. if i can't change any of it then why hold on? there's no point when i just know there's no changing it.

tomorrow i leave with them for vegas. another crazy weekend trip. and they have already picked out what i'm wearing and how i'm going to look. i'm okay with it because they usually know better than i do. but i really just want to dance. i want to dance till i don't feel it anymore. sadness is underrated and i know i need to feel it to get over it. but i'd rather just feel it now till i get there and then dance it all out like a bad sickness.

well i guess here's to hoping.

tornado

"You grew like a tornado. Destroying everything. You kill from the inside."

Ironic isn't it?

He explained it to me in a way that makes sense n i know he's right. It made me feel better about decisions i have made to separate myself n not participate in some kind of childish game that only continues to show this is some kind of high school drama. Im not that woman. That is not me. Im much more than that. But he tells me to let myself be sad. I can only really move on if i let myself feel the motions. He says i let myself stay numb so i wont have to be sad and although he's right and i hate that he's right, the sadness is becoming too much to not see anymore.

Im realizing its okay if its one sided. That im the only one mourning over this loss. At least, hopefully, by the process i'll be able to finally let it all go.

Let go let go let go

You are my tornado.

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rain on me

"Im so tired of your turning tables. I wont let you close enough to hurt me."

Im racing through the rain in my car with the only thought to get away as far as i can. A part of me wish my car would just break down and stop me but i keep going faster. She told me you went to the party with another girl. He's asking her why she feels the need to tell me that especially knowing which girl it is. I want to be angry but it only again proves your talent of habit. I got my heart handed to me on a silver platter n yet somehow these instances keep finding their way to me although i've done so much to stay away from them and you. So i find myself racing through the rain hoping that when i come to a stop the tears i didnt notice were falling down my cheeks will stop too.

He sent me a picture of an elephant with hearts. He wants to see me but i just dont have it in me. They're telling me he's so hot it'd be a crime not to. But he would just be a rebound n i dont even think i want that right now. I have no idea what i want right now and although he has this way about him, i just dont know.

Today i wrote 2 info pieces on music electronic items that will be in print. My first anything in print. I also wrote my 2nd online review that went up today. 3 things to be proud of but all i keep thinking about is a portfolio so i can get a job elsewhere. They keep wanting me to write more stuff after my first review so i guess for now im doing okay.

Today i cut about 80% of my hair. Which is a lot. So far i've been told it goes with me. I just need to get used to it. She says in a couple months it'll already be long again. I know thats true i just needed a change n yet i feel the same. Somebody pinch me.

This would all be a lot easier if you would get out from under my skin.

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pushin' daisies

Like she loves...



And then she loves me not.

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on my way home

So I feel like this weekend went crazy and was such a blur. but what fun!

we went walking through like we owned the place because we didn't have to wait in the long line outside. I started realizing how cool it is that i do know this many people to have this many hook ups when they're telling me, "we feel VIP" and i'm not noticing because i'm too focused with making sure we got into the club for free and didn't have to wait in the line. and sure enough it worked out just fine. we walked around and danced and drank and i was having a good time and then i saw him. Good looking from far away, until all of a sudden he was standing right next to me. i went with my friend to go get a drink until i came back and he's grabbing my arm and calling me by my name.

we talked casually and and the normal things unfolded. he asked me for my number and i realize i'm really back in the playing field. and right now i've batted 2 for 2. hopefully i can keep that up but even if i don't i don't think i'd care too much. he tells me he wants to take me to the all star game. and that he wants to definitely hang out and he will talk to me tomorrow. we watch the performance. which was shorter than hoped for but at least it was free. so we leave and head to another place to dance and then another place to just chill and drink. as we're sitting there and they're discussing the fact that i should never have a problem finding anybody. they tell me i'm pretty and have a lot of great qualities and i just happened to find a lot of jerks that couldn't handle all of that. but i don't let their words hit me too deep because i'm not that girl to build myself up in the words of others. i build myself up by doing what i have to do and getting somewhere. and then the phone sang its song.

I look and he's telling me he hopes i get home safe and i put the phone back down thinking i'll reply later. probably when i actually get home. they agree to my decisions and help me with where i might be going wrong. we sit there and they describe to me the ways this could all go wrong. but i'm still sitting there a little bit nervous with a tad of i still don't care and i'm trying to figure out where i really stand in all these confusing places. until i get home and respond and he's already trying to add me in other places. i ignored it and fell asleep until the next day i decided to just go for it. then i get the invite to hang out that night but i tell him i have other plans. which was completely true but he's telling me that, "he's moving really fast, you made some kind of impression on him." but i'm starting to realize i don't really care. all i know is he's at least 6'3" if not taller, a music producer, whole lot of hotness, basketball player that makes me melt. I showed her a picture of him, incidentally shirtless and she literally stopped in her tracks and said i'd be doing women around the world a favor by getting together with him. I know that because looking at him just makes me melt. the music and athletic parts of him are added bonuses. but for now we'll see. he tells me he wants to hang out. but my schedule is so busy lately i hardly have time think so hopefully i can make in some time to hang out with him.

I don't really know what else to say. I'm happy we went to disneyland yesterday and i was able to really start feeling again and it felt so good. it just felt right and i was happy. i was satisfied. It was a great day. I'm glad things are turning around and i'm happy i have my friends to help me through everything. they want me around all the time and although I don't mind spending time by myself its nice to know. I hope for better things again and all in the idea to make them real. i still feel like something is missing and i don't know what that is. but i'm sure that hole will be filled sooner than later.



come home.

i came to win, i came to fly

"I am not a girl that can ever be defined"

Yesterday my very first article went on our website. I couldn't believe it. I walked into work and my editor-in-chief looked at me and said, "Have you ever done a first impressions?" I thought he was asking me if i've ever edited one and put it online. which i have so i told him yes. then he hands me a cd and i realize he wants me to write one. he kind of goes over it with me really quick but just tells me not to take myself seriously, listen to the cd, and just write the review. So that's exactly what I did. and it was incredible later that day to see my name there. on my own review. and the fact that its the first piece i get to add to my own portfolio. but then today happened...

we got the new issues of the magazine and i opened it up to see my name! i swear i almost started crying. then my editor-in-chief said, "feels good to see your name in the masthead doesn't it?" i just shook my head yes and they all congratulated me. and i got to take 2 issues home but i'm saving them to give to my grandmother and aunt. i want to actually go to the bookstore and buy it when it comes out march 6th. so if you're reading this please go to your bookstore and pick up FILTER magazine! thanks! haha

When she called me today and i got to tell her she screamed on the phone. It's nice to know i've always had her support and hse knows how hard i've had to work to get there. she's really the only person that knows ALL of it. no one else does. not even the people that like to believe they do. there's plenty that i kept just between us. she was so excited for me and then went on to tell me that we're going to thailand this summer. I was telling her about spain but i guess she changed my mind with thailand and hopefully maybe tokyo. i don't care cause i just want to lay out at that thailand beach house! yes please!

They took me out last night and we celebrated my review. it was a lot of fun with great food and really good drinks. he introduced me to his friend who was crazy tall. he came over and sat next to me talking about how he happened to be in the print industry as well but his magazine is really successful and i was really surprised but at the end of the night i was more concerned with celebrating and having a good times with my friends. tonight is another night with them and so is tomorrow. but tomorrow has the opportunity to be something incredible and i can't wait.

i went to the gym after work and i'm realizing just what i want from myself. i'm setting up my goals and accomplishing things i've always wanted for myself day by day. but i want something big to come my way. i've been hoping for something bigger and i'm putting in the work to make that happen. something is going to come that is going to change my world into something completely amazing and i'm ready for it. i'm ready to fly farther than i ever could without anything holding me back. i deserve better and i'm going to find it. i work hard so much for everything in my life and i'm going to make things happen. big things.


sometimes i wish i still had you around to talk to. sometimes i wonder if you feel the same way. i guess wishing and wondering isn't going to get me anywhere. let go let go let go. is a lot harder said than done.

just for tonight, let's get lost....

"Would've came back for you. I just needed time to do what i had to do. caught in the life. i can't let it go. whether that's right, i won't ever know. hope you forgive me. never meant wrong. tried to be patient but waited to long. but i would've came back."


I think yesterday was the first day i really felt it. Like i was actually feeling sad. he said its better to feel the pain than be numb. but the numb feeling at least didn't feel like this. sometimes i wonder if that rope still reaches far enough to touch you but thinking about that only makes it worse so i let it go fro now because that's all i can do. you couldn't expect more from me...right? I honestly don't know what else to do but that. i really hope she's right when she always tells me it gets really bad before it gets really good. because i'd really like the really good to come now. i could use some good.



i don't know why my heart went for you. i don't know why my heart couldn't keep itself in check and now i can't keep asking why. i don't have any what if questions. i think all those are answered now. its heart breaking. but what's love without heartbreak? i figure i had to go through this to find someone who really cares about me. at least i'm hoping that's what this was all about. i like to hope for that. to know someone out there sees that the unconventional girl i am is worth keeping around as long as possible. and not just giving me up to find out later it was the right thing. i don't want to be bitter or angry and i know that's what its sounding like now. but i'm not bitter or angry. if anything its sad. really down to the bone sad. but my optimistic side is telling me that now i can look forward to what this means to letting myself go forward and find other things and people to excite my time.

They're taking me to dinner tomorrow to his restaurant. they want to make some kind of love connection. he makes me nervous and i hope he doesn't laugh at me too much for the last time we saw each other. although that will definitely go down in my book for one of my greatest funniest moments. haha priceless just thinking about it. i guess i'll find out tomorrow what will happen with us. if nothing, that's okay. but if something...that would be really great because he's really hot and cooks amazing food! good thing i started going back to the gym today. although the guy that was helping me sign up today was half cuban and when he found out i was cuban i thought he was going to ask me to marry him on the spot. but then i forgot his name and he was pretty bummed about that. oops.

he asked me what i'm doing different because apparently i'm putting out some kind of vibe that has people asking about me. he says "you're really something in this town." i didn't really mean to. all of it was purely unintentional. i don't even notice the things he tells me. and if its true then why haven't i seen it? but they tell me they've heard all about the people who are asking about me. the places they wish i was going so they could see me. the places i wish i was going to but because i would really love to be on a cruise to jamaica or going to texas for music festivals. maybe i can make the latter one happen. or so i hope.

when will i see you again? you left with no real good bye. i know i have a fickle heart and a bitterness and a wandering eye and a heaviness in my head. but don't you remember the reason you loved me before? baby please remember me once more. when was the last time you thought of me? you erased me from your memory. i often think about where i went wrong. i gave you the space so you could breath. and i kept my distance so you could be free. i hope you find the missing piece that brings you back to me. why don't you remember? don't you remember the reason you loved me before? baby please remember you still love me. when will i see you again?

Didn't I give it all? gave you everything i had. didn't i do it right? to let you down. maybe you got too used to having me around. still. how can you walk away? its going to be an empty road but i'm right here. but go on and take it. take it all with you. don't look back at this crumbling fool. just take it all. all my love. take it all. you and my love. nothing gets better than me and this is everythign we need. is it over? is this really it? you're giving up so easily. i thought you loved me more than this. but go on and take it. take it all with you. don't look back at this crumbling fool. take it all with all my love. if only you knew everything i do is for you.

you've been on my mind. God only knows, why its taken me so long to let my doubts go. you're the only one that i want. i don't know why i'm scared. i've been here before. every feeling. every word. i've imagined it all. you'll never know if you never try to forgive your past and simply be mine. i dare you to let me be yours. your one and only. i promise i'm worthy to hold in your arms. so come on and give me the chance to prove i am the one who can walk that mile until the end starts. cause i've been on your mind. you hang on every word i say. will i ever know how it feels to hold you close and have you tell me which ever road i choose you'll go. you'll never know if you never try to forgive your past and simply be mine. i dare you to let me be your one and only. i promise i'm worthy to hold in your arms. so come on and give me the chance to prove i am the one who can walk that mile until the end starts.



i know it ain't easy giving up your heart. i know it ain't easy giving up your heart. i know it ain't easy giving up your heart. i know it ain't easy giving up your heart...nobody's perfect. trust me i've learned it.

"But it was not your fault but mine. And it was your heart on the line. I really fucked it up this time. Didn't I, my dear?"

"I don't care"...."yes you do. you can see it all over yours face. i've known you a long time and i know it hurts. you do care." i love my friends but sometimes when they say the things i don't want to hear it makes it hard. i know they're only looking out for me but it would be a lot easier if they would just let me believe i don't care. but i guess maybe not. i think i think i don't care because i don't feel anything. this empty feeling is a little over bearing some times. but then he tells me, "i'm going to find a way to bring your self confidence back." as he's holding on to my hips and looking into my eyes and i feel a little glimpse of hope again. "you are a hot thing! and i wouldn't lie to you." and then he's holding my hand. "coming from a guy i can tell you, guys only do something like that when they've found someone else and they don't want to feel guilty about cheating." it didn't surprise me because in the back of my head i already knew. because its the same reason as always, but that doesn't mean i don't still get that knot in my stomach every time i think about it.

"i know you and your last guy just parted ways, but i want to be your next guy. if you would just give me the chance." and he's holding my face and looking into my eyes. i swear he makes me feel like i'm melting. but i find myself responding "we'll see." because i'm too busy thinking it isn't possible. here i am thinking about how they say that i make the impossible seem perfectly possible but then when it comes to me, i'm almost at a loss right now. lost in my own mind. my heart is gone and i need to get it back somehow. things would be easier if i could just remember its not me.

i'm reading this book called "the perks to being a wallflower" about this kid who's 16 and writing to someone he knows of but doesn't know. like he's writing a journal but writing because he just wants to know someone is reading what he has to say even if that person doesn't know its him. I realize that's how i feel about this. when people ask why i have a blog that no one close to me really knows about. its because i just want to let out thoughts knowing someone somewhere reads it whether they know me or not and i can just let it all go.

he called me today and told me he's going to be here soon for a week. it made feel like i would be getting a shot of medicine soon to make me feel better. i didn't really talk to him about anything yet because we only talked about the normal tid bits we haven't been able to catch up on. but its better than nothing.



asleep. asleep. and its time to wake up. we're getting older to be playing these moronic games. and yes they're games. no matter how much we try to change that. its all just a big game. and its getting old. i'm awake and see the truth.

sunshines and cold air

"I take a breathe, take a breathe with me blow by blow. take a break take a break from you, you are here to stay. I take my heart out of my chest i just don't need it anymore. take my head out of the game i just don't need it anymore."

I didn't even feel like i had done anything special. got ready for a normal night with them. I tell him all about the night before and he just laughs at me and says, "you will never have a problem with things like that." then he goes on to tell me how he knows him and that he has mentioned me before. i'm kind of surprised cause i really didn't see that coming. i tell her and she laughs at me and tells me i should never doubt myself in that situation. i'm starting to feel like what am i not seeing? i know they're my friends but even they dont' give me as many compliments as i've been getting lately. like what am i doing differently? that sounds however it might sound but i'm really surprised about it. i've been working on trying to find my own style but i end up just wearing what feels good. i guess its working out? she told me i look "money" last night and that made me laugh. looks like i'm fitting into LA just fine.



now i'm just thinking of getting through this week. there is so much to do. i'm still feeling like something is missing. i'm still feeling like i've lost something. i wish that feeling could go away. its like when i laugh at something i don't feel that excited happy feeling. when i want to feel sad even, i just don't have any feeling. numbness is not the way to be. and i need to get back to my normal feeling. but the only feelings i have right now is for work. i have this drive that is making me feel whole again because it gives me something to do to stay busy. and i don't know how much that's necessarily a good thing. but for now if it's what i got to keep me feeling alive, i'll take it and make it worth so much more.

he follows me around like a sad puppy. he' tries to get my attention by sitting next to me and mopping about like i should aks him whats wrong to give him an excuse to touch me. instead i just get up and walk away. i've been there and done that and its not worth it. at all. i can't stand the person he is and its so stupid the way he acts like he's so perfect in every aspect of himself. i'm comfortable with who i am and comfortable in my own skin but i'm just starting to feel confident with it. but this guy takes cocky to a whole new level. they tell me i should have said something when he did. and i probably should have. i'm sure it'll happen again and i'll be more prepared when it does.



letting the fear go. i've definitely adapted an "I don't give a F-U-C-K" attitude now. but with a kick of good humor. It feels like the right thing right now. one of the only right things right now. and i'd rather just have it be this way right now. i'm ready to find adventure in that. and ready to find great experiences like i used to when i had that attitude. not to say that i don't care about anything or anyone. i care about my friends who have been this incredible support system for so long. there is a love that runs deep there. i've always had a strong belief in having an even playing field with my life. or at least trying to. haha. sometimes i put up with a lot more than i probably should. but i know why. because i've had a lot of people that were supposed to be close to me, give up, not try, and walk away on me. I can't do that to someone else. It's that whole golden rule thing that's engraved in my mind. I can't do things to someone i wouldn't want done to myself especially stuff that's hurt me really bad in the past. so sue me if that leaves me vulnerable to assholes and jerks that take advantage of that. but at least i know i don't have to feel the guilt, the insecurities, and the doubts in myself. I always know that i gave what i could for people in my life because i didn't want to give up on them. i wanted to show them that they were worth trying for. because almost everyone is worth trying for. she always tells me that its because of that, someone will come and give me the same efforts in return. but so far that has been my friends. and for now i'm totally satisfied with that.

"And I know that it's complicated. But i'm a loser in love, so baby, raise a glass to mend all the broken hearts of all my wrecked friends. i'll never talk again, oh boy, you've left me speechless. so speechless and i'll never love again. oh boy, you've left me speechless."


I forgot to completely mention how amazing san fransisco was. too much fun is putting it nicely. I couldn't believe everything was so great despite the rain. it was great to get to go and just kind of let it all go. so relaxing and to be there with friends that really care about me. i am so blessed.

I spent a lot of time working really hard with them on it and to come out and have it be so amazing. i saw the rough draft of my name in print for the first time and it was this incredible feeling. i can't wait to go to the store, pick it up, and bye it on my own. this is the reason things are so incredible now. we went to the show and it was the first time i got to say "i'm on the list" and it seemed so cocky but so cool all at the same time. when i'm getting shout outs from people like him in his interview because he thinks i'm the one transcribing it and i wish i could keep it even though i have to admit i replayed it a few times. and i realize i'm still only in the beginning steps of doing big things. the next couple of months are going to be crazy but i can't wait to see where i end up when i'm getting tickets to her show when i was only hoping just a couple months ago i could have money to get the tickets. its a little crazy. but so exciting. and i can't wait to see what else there is to it.



"For the record, you'll always be a part of me, no matter what you do.
and for the record, can't nobody say i didn't give my all to you.
and for the record, i told you underneath the stars that you belong to me,
for the record, its obvious that we just can't let go of us."


We went and i wasn't expecting anything. like always. i really just wanted to go and hang out with my friends because i said i would. but then i saw him. it was like one of those you see them from across the room moments. we kept looking at each other although i thought it was just me looking at him but then they kept telling me he kept looking at me. I told him to go talk to him for me like the wingman he said he would be but he didn't! i won't forget that and you know who you are! haha but then he told me he would go with me to talk to him since he knew the dude he was talking to. now that's a real wing man and i won't forget you either! haha i really have great guy friends. anyways on with what happened...so he tells me that, "if a pretty girl came up to me and started talking to me i would soooooo be into that. so just go over there and talk to him." of course i was nervous because i've never really done that stuff before but next thing i know i'm standing in front of him and kinda of blurt out, "hi...i'm sorry but i think you're cute and i just had to tell you." and now i'm just laughing at myself. but then he says, "thank you. are you going to be out there long? i'll come find you later." This was because he was actually working. so i told him yes and to come find me when he can. and went back to dancing with my friends. later on i felt his cold hand on my skin on my lower back and i turned and there he was. one of the hottest guys i had seen in a while and as my girlfriends told me. I was just more happy that i got the balls to tell the dude i thought he was cute. and as he said it "now you're one for one and on a roll." as for the rest of the story i'll keep that to the imagination. because all though i am inexplicably explicate in my blog. this one i kind of want to keep for myself. because he was hot, the night was hot, and the chemistry was a lot more than hot. and mmmmmm mmmmmmm good. hahahaha



i'm caught up in possibilities and overwhelmed with positive thoughts of hopes. i feel the feelings of passion and see something greater than myself. to let myself fall by the way side because of another's inability to live and give everything they have will not stop me. he tells me i've always been a force to be reckoned with. to let myself hate you. to let myself grieve for this loss. to let myself ache and pain over this would be a crime to everything that i am. my love was meant for bigger and better things.

because i'll never forget that moment

I just wanna clear the mess and explain myself



"I swear I always fall for your type. Tell me why I always fall for your type. I just can't explain this shit at all."

I'll never forget those words, that moment for the rest of my life. It was one of those times when you realize that you are someone worth something. I'm going to describe it like a movie scene because that's what it seemed like to me. i remember everything like it plays over in my mind:

He turned himself in front of me so he was sitting right in front of me looking me in the eyes as he grabbed my hand. They're sitting around like this is something serious and i'm wondering what's going to happen. and then he says:

"I know that you've been feeling empty. I heard you said you were starting to feel numb. That's why I had to tell you this. You need to know. I consider myself so lucky to have you in my life. You need to know how truly amazing you are. I have yet to meet a person that has anything bad to say about you right off the bat. I've never had to worry about introducing you to friends of mine you don't know. you always fit in with everyone and by the end of the night everyone loves you and is already adding you on facebook. You have always been this incredibly optimistic person that makes us all see how great we can really be. When people ask her why she went back to school do you know that she tells them its because her friend showed her that it was possible? You make things feel possible when we think we can't do it. You encourage us, support us, help us, and motivate us."




I am pretty speechless at this point. I look around and they're all looking at me so sincere and shaking their heads in agreement. I finally start feeling myself tearing up. Then he went on...

"To tell you the truth, when i heard what happened, the first thought that went through my head was 'Damn, I feel really bad for that dude.' and the reason why is because even as a friend, I can't imagine losing you or letting you go. I mean yah i had hoped for different things for us in the beginning but i know that i would much rather have you as a friend to have you in my life. But i can't imagine having feelings for you and having you as my girl and losing that. even to think about letting it go. because that would be so heartbreaking to know that i lost THE girl. The one that could have made me such a better person. because i know your exes and what happened to them after you guys would break up and it isn't pretty. I also know that even as your friend you have showed me i can do things to better myself and my life and i've had so many amazing experiences because of it. So i honestly feel really bad for the guy that let you go because he lost something pretty fucking amazing and i never want you to doubt that."

By this time i was pretty much blubbering like a baby. that was a lot to take in.



"'Cause i can't go on living in the memory of our song"

"I just think you needed to know. or at least be reminded. that you mean something to a lot of people. you are the real deal. and i'm sorry you got your heartbroken. i'm sorry all the time for that because i see you and i know you're trying. i know you're trying to put it all behind you but you care. and i know because of who you are and how forgiving you are and the fact that you have a big heart. there is still a window kinda still open for him. I know its hard and i know it hurts. but like she said, he's already hurt you enough to hurt yourself on top of that. he just needs to figure himself out obviously and that's okay. i just feel bad for him that he could really lose you forever if he doesn't figure that out first. and if he does. it's okay because you have us and i know someone special will come and find you."

He got up and gave me a hug and i really broke down and started crying. I don't think they'd ever seen me cry before and before i knew it, they were all gathered around me like a big huddle. and in that moment, I felt loved.



"If I could erase the pain, maybe you'd feel the same."





I'm ready for you to be ready for me,
take my hand and i'll show you a hell of a life.