promises promises promises

I went to see Somewhere last night and saw another preview for Jane Eyre which of course i am dying to see. but it reminded me of where all these passions and faiths came from. I read Jane Eyre when I was in the second grade. It wasn't assigned reading or anything, I just wanted to read it on my own. I was weird that way. but its okay. I remember being in love with who Jane Eyre was. She was plane but completely satisfied with being that way. She was her own person and although she went through a lot to get there, she was proud of who she was. She meets a man that from her better judgment she falls in love with. and despite all that happened to them. the fact that he wasn't who he used to be. she loved him anyways with all of his faults. It makes sense that this would be one of my favorite books of all time along with Gone with the Wind being one of my favorite movies of all time. These women who were satisfied with who they were who found a love they didn't give up on through all the trials and tribulations. It really is nice to dream sometimes.

She said, "I know you don't want to hear this right now. But one day you will have a husband that love you more than anyone ever has. and he will appreciate everything that you are. because you are an amazing girlfriend and i know that will only translate into an amazing wife." She was right that I didn't want to hear that right now. It might be confusing as to why, but she knows why. She is my Helen Burns. mainly because I don't want to think about any prospective relationships right now. i'm too busy trying to get myself situated to give it a second glance.

They keep trying to talk to me like something will happen when they do. i feel like i haven't even had a chance to breath yet and they already want to see what scraps they can get. I'm better than that because i would rather save myself then die again in another's arms. i love who they have been to me. they never cease to amaze me when it comes to love they have for me. always checking up on me because they know how i was before, but this time i really am okay. and i really don't care. it makes me a little cold hearted and emotionless at the moment. but that's better than being angry or sad. one day at a time.

I tell him i'm nervous. he tells me not to be. how can i not when it comes to one of the most largest music corporations in the world? he keeps telling me i'm made for that world. i'm ready for them to bring it on. i'm ready to get involved. i'm ready to get the ball finally rolling. the future seems so much brighter in that world.

"he doesn't care about you." "he never cared about you." "you should hate him for this" "i hate him for this" "you never deserved this" "i can't believe he did this to you" "i can't believe he would hurt you like this" "he really doesn't care about you" "you should never speak to him again" "you should just delete him completely from your life" "he doesn't even deserve to have you in his life" "you were too good to him" "you did nothing wrong" "he doesn't care about you" "he doesn't care about you" "he doesn't care about you" "he doesn't care about you"....

trying to flush it all out like i have water in my ears from swimming in a pool of too many words at one time. i don't want to hear it anymore. i don't want to talk about it anymore. i just want to let it all go. put it in the box, set it at the top of the shelf, and walk away. you can say whatever you want to about me. you can think whatever you want about me. but i don't care anymore. it isn't going to change anything. to say it was mutual is to lie to yourself to make yourself feel better. be truthful at least for your own sake. but i guess that doesn't matter much anymore either. they keep trying to tell me what the grown up thing to do is. but honestly for me. the grown up thing is to not say anything bad and just walk away from it. i don't even have my head raised high because i can't in this situation. its just too hard. and its just too sad. so i walk away from the words. the thoughts. the heart break. and the hurt. its much better without me. i let it all fall to its own devices and walk away because drama is too much energy and i have better things to do with my time.

i continue the moves. they are coming for me. taking me to my band-aid for the break ups. ironically i always end up there. so san francisco, i've missed you. its been too long. show me what you got. and make me forget i lost my heart that one time. show me something new and move out of this numbness because i don't feel anything anymore. and if you could jump start that kick in me. bring back the fire. give me back my passion. i'll be eternally thankful. sweet. thanks.




"I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you--especially when you are near me, as now: it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame. And if that boisterous channel, and two hundred miles or so of land come broad between us, I am afraid that cord of communion will be snapt; and then I've a nervous notion I should take to bleeding inwardly." -Mr. Rochester (Jane Eyre)

in another life

I wish i was heartless sometimes. It would make this a lot easier.

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i have too many moves to be in a bad mood.

I know its late. i know i'm tired. i know i'm exhausted and should just go to sleep. but these thoughts are contaminating me and i need to get them out before they turn me back to stone. i feel like there is a challenge to break my skin because my blood runs so cold these days. he says i can't let this ruin the chance for someone better to come along and i just don't care. I almost wish i did so i knew i felt something. but i don't.

reckless abandon and i've lost hope. hope and fears are a thing of the past and i realize i have these opportunities in front of me that almost shock me. i never thought i could be here holding on to something that so great for myself. my career seems to be taking a full stride forward. and i'm shocked that someone would see that as a disadvantage. i don't. and it keeps me moving forward. its had me so engulfed in so many things to keep my mind busy and although i appreciate that so much. when it stops i don't know how to feel. which makes it this great distraction. and when they are telling me of all these things that are to come, i'm so excited that it means more distractions. but then when i stop and i think about what is going on. its like i grow cold and i feel nothing. i don't understand how in the last month these things could turn so heartless and these people can be so selfish. when i was everything they wanted. i was everything good they were hoping for. i've now equated you to my father, leaving when times get tough. hurting those you should be loving because you don't want to think about or deal with the emotions you just can't understand.

i want to be angry and i want to be sad but i feel nothing. so i realize now that i'm falling out of love. i wish someone would have told me that its a lot harder falling out of love is a lot harder than falling in love. now i know i'm capable of really loving someone for who they are beyond all their faults and all my better judgment. but now i'm hoping it doesn't happen again. one time was enough for me. and i'm trying to breath through this falling out of love. because i feel it coming like a storm and the back of my mind is thinking, "is this really what you want? do you want me to stop loving you for always? because that's what is happening. and i don't think you're going to be able to come back through this door again after its reached the end". is it ok to lose me forever? is it worth it? and are you really okay with it?

because i'm almost convinced you don't care. i really don't think you are capable of changing the circumstances when these locks have been changed. I don't think you would ever be willing and i don't think you would have it in you. when guys want the challenge. i think its in that. to try to win back the love you lost. when you finally realize it was for you all along. but i think you would lose. and its so cold. cold. cold cold cold...



"Never was much of a romantic. I could never take the intimacy. And i know it did damage. Plus, the look in your eyes is killing me. I guess i knew an advantage. 'Cause you can blame me for every thing. and i don't know how i'm gonna manage If one day, you just up and leave. and i always find something wrong. yeah, i always find something wrong. you've been putting up with my shit just way too long. i'm so gifted at finding what i don't like the most. so i think its time for us to have a toast."



you wanted me to runaway. i'm running away as far as i can. and i think this time. you can't catch me.

breaker breaker

See the road to hell, is paved with good intentions. Can't you tell, the way they have to mention. How they helped you out, you're such a hopeless victim. Please don't do me any favors, Mr. Intentional. All their talk, is seasoned to perfection. The road they walk, commanding your affection. They need to be needed, deceived by motivation. An opportunity, to further situation. Why they so important, is without explanation. Please don't patronize me, Mr. Intentional.

We give rise to ego, by being insecure. The advice that we go, desperately searching for. The subconscious effort, to support our paramour. To engage in denial, to admit we're immature. Validating lies, Mr. Intentional. Open up yours eyes, Mr. Intentional. Stuck in a system, that seeks to suck your blood. Held emotionally hostage, by what everybody does. Counting all the money, that you give them just because. Exploiting ignorance, in the name of love. Stop before you drop because that's just the way it was. Please don't justify me, Mr. Intentional. Oh un-dementional, Mr. Intentional. oh don't you do me any favors

Wake up you've been sleeping. Take up your bed and walk. Stop blaming other people
Oh it's nobody else's fault. Except the truth about you. You know that life goes on without you. And your expensive misinventions. Disguising your intentions. Don't worship my hurt feelings, Mr. Intentional.

See I know you can't help me, Mr. Intentional. The only help I need to live, is unprofessional. The only wealth I have to give, is not material. And if you need much more than that, I'm not available. Please don't entertain me, Mr. Intentional. Oh I dont need your sympathy, Mr. Intentional. Stay away from me, Mr. Intentional. So un-dementional, Mr. Promotional, Mr. Emotional, Mr. Intentional.

"Mr. Intentional" -Lauryn hill




"Ain't no question if I want it, I need it. I can feel it slowly drifting away from me. I'm on the edge, so why you playing? I'm saying. I will never ever let you live this down, down, down."

"everybody wanna know what my Achilles' heel is. L-o-v-e. I don't get enough of it
all I get is these vampires and blood suckers."

I cross the line, then i'll let God decide

love get out of my way, get out of my way. look what you're doing to me.

yes, so i talk better through music. i can type for days my feelings but i feel like i can never get the point across as much as the music can. so for a while the posts will be full of songs with things i am trying to say. from different perspectives. to give myself the chance to really say what i want. to really release what needs to be said.

they keep talking about what this could mean for me. this huge opportunity. apparently that is going to fic all of my financial worries and fears that will have me making the money i had always hoped to be making doing what i love and that i will get to do as my career. i guess i am one of the lucky ones that will get to have something like that because i can take full advantage of it. i plan on taking it by storm. hitting the city like a "mother fuckin' monster". he said its because i have a passion for it and a knowledge that some people might not have. i have a knack for it and it all comes naturally to me because i just let go and do what i love and i end up finding myself ahead of the game because it just come natural. i feel like that's true. and because it is i can do things like go up to the singer of the band after the show and just talk to him like he's someone i might have met before just to ask questions and get information. luckily he was super humble and didn't think he was as big of a deal as he actually is. and they're telling me they have big things planned for me and i'm realizing this opportunity is everything i could possibly dream of for myself. that has me moving farther forward than i gave myself credit for right now. i just need to keep my game up and kill it every time. something i think i'm completely capable of. and i think by coachella things are really going to be interesting. and yes i'm excited to say its official, another coachella for me this year. i already know its going to be as epic as it was last year. maybe not to the same degree for the obvious reason but still pretty amazing since now i'm going to personally know some of the bands and be able to do things i wasn't able to do last year.



i was only wanting simplistic truths and only got complicated white lies.

i woke up forgetting what happened. he asks me if it hits me again every time that happens. i think it does a little less every time. i remember when he said that if what ifs were a 5th you'd be drunk every day. but now i realize sobriety never felt so good. i drove home in the normal traffic today and smiled listening to the truths. the way things really are and that a creature of habit can never be anything more than exactly what its always been. and that makes me feel sorry for you. i want to be angry and say grow up. every one gets hurt some time. it's apart of life and its a process, but that doesn't mean you hold on to it like a life vest because its only going to fool you into drowning yourself whole and then when you're wondering why you can't change. its because apologies that you don't really mean are never going to fix you. get over yourself and move on because pain is the inevitable. it sucks but if we never went through it, then we would never know what happiness could ever be. but you're so blinded by the hurt. by the past. by the person you think you are. you're stagnant in it. like quicksand, you're sinking fast. i'm lucky you didn't take me down with you. but that's why i feel bad for you. not so much a pity, but a remorse for the person you could've been. for the relationship that was possible. but it was the 4month mark and the alarm on your heart went off. and like the creature of habit you are, you backed out for the same reasons as before. and so...



you better stop and think about what you're doing.

i think today was finally when i started having moments of tearing up for no real reason. each day gets a little easier as far as i can tell. especially since i haven't had time to sit down. its like every minute of every day so far has been full of something to do and as far as i can tell that's not going to stop for a while. there's so much to do now. at times i feel like another wave comes because there's something i wish i could say. just random stuff. i'm sure nothing of importance but things that might have been important to us. things i'm sure you wouldn't care about now. i guess because it didn't seem like you really cared at all when i walked away. and i'm pretty positive that's true. i guess its better if i believe its true. but then i see these like this and i hope...




that some how some way someone would be willing to try for me. enough to think i'm completely worth doing everything they could to have me in their life. although i know that isn't you. i don't think i'm hoping its you anymore. i think i'm hoping its someone else because no matter how much i ever wished you were capable of it. i don't really think you are. i've come to notice that it was all a lot of talk and no action. i started to realize the good came with a price. and for a while i thought the price of waiting for the good was worth it. but i don't know if i believe that anymore. i don't know if i believe anything i thought before is accountable now. i guess i'll figure that out along the way. as for now i'm going to leave it alone. i'd rather not touch it for now. i think my heart has been through enough. it would've been easier if you had just slammed it in the door. put it in the microwave, and blended it for a while. but for some miracle, it keeps beating. like love is this cure-all that's just going to happen to me all of a sudden. so no matter what you've done to it. it just so happens to still be in one piece. i guess my faith has always been stronger than my hope and fears. and God willing it always stays that way.

"This is going to be a beautiful death. i'm jumpin' out the window. lettin' everything go."



"you've got it wrong if you say our love is gone"

speechless

there's a lot i guess i could say. i could be angry. i could hate you. i could be sad. i could be a hell of a lot right now. but i'm still sitting here like, "damn, did this really just happen? did i really just lose my best friend?"

and that's really all i could say. he says you did me a favor. she says she knew i saw it coming. that i didn't deserve you to happen to me. that might be all true. but i hope when you think of me you see everything in the right light. that i would've always supported you. that i never gave up on you even when you gave up on yourself. i'm so used to hoping for something. but this time its like my hope died. i think i finally hit the point of indifference because....

i don't know what to think. something feels wrong and yet something feels not so wrong. i can't say right. because i don't want to. but i'm in the middle of the transition. and i'm indifferent...if that's a good or a bad thing. i'm sure i have yet to know. because right now. i really am speechless. without a thought. that's new. and it's weird. but i guess its to be expected after always trying for someone who never/couldn't try for me. inspiration to aspiration to exhaustion and i'm just too damn tired.

what you won't do

do for love. you've tried everything but you won't give up.

sometimes its like trying to pull an oyster open with your bare hands. it gets really hard and it hurts. but yet i'm still standing here. only God knows why. but i'm sure its for something good. so i'm going to keep trying because its a whole lot better than giving up on.

oh. love. oh, love. stop making a fool of me.

moment for life

This song meant a lot more to me than i thought it would the first time i heard it. it hit me hard. and i'm glad it did. because now i'm back to me. i'm back to realizing i'm going to move on with what i want for myself. i have worked hard my whole life and i'm not going to stop now just because some shit went down. i'm going to find my happiness because its always been the main goal. and i don't give up.

i poured my heart out because i thought it would help. sometimes i want to just really lay in on you that its about time you open up because i can't be there for you the way you might need me too if you don't open up. i'm starting to feel like i'm running into a wall again. tell you me you care. tell me you how you feel. about me. about our relationship. about anything. just let me know because i can't be with someone i don't feel like i know again. i did that one already and that's why i had to leave. the only way i'm ever going to be able to really love all of you is if you finally let down that prison you've built around yourself because damn is it hard to find a way in. and i'm looking for the slightest crack but you've built it all up so well.

i didn't get a response and it did kind of hurt because i was looking for something. and when you said you had to process it. i can only let it go and give you the benefit of the doubt. but i'm starting to think its about time i just back off. i need to go back to my "i don't care" type of mood because then it won't bother me and you don't have to worry about it bothering me. but is that really the right thing to do? i'm thinking it might not be such a good idea that you can't communicate with me as much as maybe you should be. but the only thing i can see to do is exactly as i said and let you open up when you want. maybe the right time will be when its the right time for you and i can't push that. so i might as well just not care? i'm not even sure. i really wish you could just tell me so i would know what to do. but here goes nothing i guess.

there's is a light and i can see it. its far away and its kind of faint. but i can see it in the distance. and if it means finding what's right. then i'll keep trying as hard as i can to get to it. because something somewhere sometime is going to be at that light that makes everything in my life so much brighter. and isn't it worth giving everything you've got to get to that? well. to me it is. because too many people have tried to turn the lights off on me. and i'm afraid of the dark.

there ain't no turnin' back for me. i'm in it till it's over.

This might seem bitter and angry from the start. it really isn't. i'm completely calm as i'm about to lay this all out. if i never completely let myself go in an entry before. now it's about to really all come out.

i have been the daughter you couldn't like, the sister you didn't care to know, the girlfriend you couldn't love, and all characteristics of always barely hitting the mark. i thought i was going out of my way to do something nice for her. to do something she wished every one else would do that never really does. and here i was being that person for her because i had the time. instead she sat there across from me again hitting all her bases of giving him excuses for his behavior. she turned around and asked me what i would have planned for myself moving forward without his financial support. like i can't survive without their money. but i have survived all the same and i would've found a way to do it no matter what. but of course they could never see that. she told me i'm the one that agitates him. she turned her words to point them at me like school kids making fun of the weird kid who just fell.

i was taking it like a hit but mostly like a low blow. because here i was realizing that i wish this was all just a dream. i feel like i've been in a nightmare i can't wake up from. the only thing keeping my head above water right now is work. its a break from everything else where all i think about is work and what i'm doing there. i made big steps today but once i leave its like everything comes back to haunt me.

i know i'm winded from everything but it has me really feeling like i just cant' be enough for anything else but myself because i don't really expect too much from myself and just kind of go wherever my heart takes me to that day. i like the free spirit feel i've let myself adapt to but at the same time i always felt it kept me apart from everyone else. because here i am telling him that i'm making up problems in my head that might not actually be there because i feel like something is wrong. or something has to be wrong. he told me its understandable because i spent most of my life being told i was never going to be worthy or good enough in anything i do or for anyone else. and here i am completely believing these things to be true. and God how it hurts so bad. because i feel like i need a little reassurance because now i'm really starting to feel like he's got one foot outside of the door. and i could be completely wrong but at the same time i just can't shake the feeling lately.

he told me i internalize all of these things so why can't i internalize telling myself there is nothing wrong with my relationship and everything is good? because i've completely convinced myself i'll never be enough for someone to love anymore. and he's right that it isn't the asshole failing me but me failing myself which is one of the most miserable feelings i've encountered. and i want to explain all of this but i don't know how and i know it'll make me look crazy if in fact i'm completely wrong and he is actually happy with our relationship and still wants to be with me and thinks i'm completely enough for him. but the boundaries of my insecurities are really crippling. and i'm trying ot move past them because i do have a sudden urge to help myself. to get up and keep moving forward. and i've already began a plan to do so that has the possibility of moving me out sooner than i had hoped. but at the same time emotionally i'm stuck in a rut and i don't know how to get out. and i need his help but i'm too afraid to even talk to him about it. i just need some reassurance and i can't even tell him that.

i need to figure something out or i'm going to end up ruining something great. i could possibly just need more sleep. or another vacation. i want to love completely and be happy and that might sound surreal and impossible but its something i want for myself and i haven't let anything stop me from what i want before and i can't let this stop me now because it is all at my fingertips and i need to just let go and let it flood in because i can't keep thinking i'm unworthy of anything positive for myself because someone told me one time that i was never going to be enough for anyone. that i was a coldhearted bitch that no one could ever really love. (yes he did actually say that).

i don't need prince charming i just need someone who can see me and say, "that is the woman i love". and honestly mean it. but here i am falling to pieces because of something that might not be real. but has me shaken up. and i can't. i know tomorrow i'll wake up and go about my day and put myself back together again. because that is exactly what i do time and time again. i won't let this break me. love will love me someday.

and then we started from the beginning.

it was like catching my breath. she told me to just breath. she is always right that way. i was driving there and getting so nervous. i was nervous for a number of reasons but mainly because i didn't know how he would be when he finally saw me. usually getting close to the 2 week mark of not seeing each other he starts to close back up. i was worried this might happen, but i don't know how much it did. it seemed like he did a little bit but nothing too extreme. i thought i was shaking until i realized my body was completely calm. once he was in my arms, everything took a deep a sigh. and at first i felt a little awkward, but once i sat down that all washed away and to be there with him was like kissing away all the stress that had found its way to me days before. the sensation of relaxation washed over me like a peace of mind. and i realized my love had come home.

i was able to sleep normal again because i had finally let a lot go. the next day she called and i let myself tell her the way things had been and the way things were. she knew me well enough to know i wasn't completely opened, to tell me everything was okay. i told her about the messages and she laughed at the irony. she told me how amazing it was to know things had turned out to be this way after all the pain he had caused. i remembered when she had written that it was abuse and should be called so, and that she saw now what i had to go through and how absolutely sorry she was about everything and seeing it and not doing anything about it. but really she gave me the greatest gift in those messages. it was knowing that i had finally let it all go. i almost feel sorry for him now. but like he said, if life was a basketball game, i would've just dunked on him. so i continue to be absolutely satisfied that all of that is behind me now and i've surpassed the expectations he ever had of me and for me.

it was all completely simple but everything i had asked for in a new years celebration. i'm really only satisfied that i got that quality time, that moment, and that memory. even if it meant missing the countdown, everything else made it completely worth it. and i was so grateful to get such a beautiful day the next day. it was so relaxing and comfortable. the day said everything in itself. sometimes i feel like i starting letting myself go in it all, and i try to reel myself back in. because i don't want to be too much too soon. what i mean by that is sometimes i feel like i'm too affectionate with my words. my actions i could probably be a little more affectionate. but i don't want to pressure him too much with my words. i'm starting to feel like i'm doing that. i know it shouldn't matter if you care about the person and they care about you, but i'm afraid of putting it on too much for him. why might i be feeling this way? because i feel like i say it more than i'm hearing it. not to say i don't appreciate anything that he does for me because of course i do. just i wish i could hear the words more. but i don't want to make him do anything he doesn't feel he wants to which is why i don't say anything about it. i just let it go. hearing that i'm pretty, or i look good is all good and i appreciate it. but i want to know you see past my appearances. i hear it when we have our talks. but other than that i would like to hear it just because you feel like saying it. i'm starting to feel like i could be just being picky but i don't feel like its too much to ask. and i really don't ask for much. or i at least try not to. i think i just start feeling like if i'm saying this i know i feel it but if he isn't saying it maybe he doesn't feel the same way. i need to stop letting myself doubt that someone could actually really care about me.

and it was so stupid. i really just let my mind wander when i'm mad. so instead of realizing it was just a simple something that could have easily been resolved before falling asleep. i let myself go to sleep mad thinking of all the bad things this could mean. that i could've found another person to care about that can't admit when they're wrong and just say sorry. that everything is always going to be turned around to be my fault. and then i start getting more angry which usually just gives me a stomach ache so i lose mentally and physically. gosh i can be such a wreck sometimes. but luckily i usually come back to my senses and realize that i can't assume that he is anything like anyone else. i know before he had assumptions of how i had to act or would act because know i am "girlfriend" but he knows now those expectations are all wrong. and so i can't do the same thing to him. i can't assume that he is going to be a certain way because of someone else's behaviors. he is completely different and knows me in a completely different way. more so than anyone else before. so i need to let all that go and just explain why i'm mad or angry and let it go. which i did. just later than i probably should have. but now that we know and we see i'm sure this would be a completely different circumstance if it ever happened again. i have to remember that this is a grown up relationship. we aren't kids anymore. this isn't high school. this isn't even early twenties of messing around. this is a real commitment. i know i use that word but connection seems like the better word. i can't revert to the way things used to be when i was younger and continue to just be me and go along with what i feel is right. which is talking it out. not letting things get out of hand. and resolving it and moving on. it really comes down to a sincere apology. if someone is willing to admit that they were wrong and apologize for that, there is no reason to hold on to anger because it never gets you anywhere. and it could end up damaging more than healing.

i'm nervous to start this new position this week. i'm really excited about it and i want to do really well, but at the same time i'm hoping i can give it everything i've got and have it be enough. growth is a process and i really just want to learn so i can be better for myself and my career.

i find myself unsure of what this year will bring. i have goals in mind for myself. but at the same time i've come to realize the odd number years are usually bad and painful for me. the even years are when i succeed in something amazing. so i'm hoping that this odd number year will be different for me. i want to succeed in making something of myself or at least making a big step towards that. and i'm hoping that everything else finds its way to me. of course i will work for them. but i want love, happiness, friendship, and many other great blessings. and although i know they can't come without paying the price with negative things, i will pay whatever price i have to pay to find those great things in my life. because i will continue to believe that life is capable of the most incredible things for myself if i just work and try for the things i want for myself. this is the beginning of this time of my life. and i'm ready to take it all and run with my wild child spirit and see where i go. some how some way i'll find myself somewhere worth every step of getting there. besides, i do love to travel.