just to play by your rules

i realize it all now more than i ever did before. that's really all i have to say about that.

unlucky truths

"the same one i'm missin is basically the reason i became different. I remember the me before, and baby if you could do the same we'd be for sure."


It was kind of crazy having to explain to him the situation. i couldn't even look at him. i'm trying to tell him that i'm only going to hurt him because of the place i'm in right now and he can't even process it. he tells me it makes him jealous to know how i feel about someone else. and i'm taken back when i don't understand why this guy can't seem to get it that i never wanted him and i told him that from the beginning. i'm explaining this and at the same time realizing, was this me? was this the way he felt about me? did he not understand why i could keep loving him even though he didn't want me?

it hurts. and i'm fighting this numb feeling like i'm in a constant battle. i've read the text almost a hundred times and now i read it and i feel numb. i feel numb. and i hate it. i want to at least be angry i want to feel something. but i don't. i look over at my phone and i just want you to call me. i could never pick up the phone though. i was watching project runway today and one of the girls said "cra cra" and i wish i could've called you just to tell you. but i couldn't and i can't and it sucks! i really don't like that i can't have you in my life but i can't and i know its supposed to be for my "own good" but at the same time i want to have you around so bad. but i can't. i can't because then i'll never stop loving you.

but now, i've gone back to telling myself you won't come see me when you come home. and i'm starting to finally feel myself letting go. its moving very gradually but i think i might be falling out of love with you. and that almost hurts more than being in love with you.

disney revisited

I know its super cheesy but here it is. I went to disneyland today for the first time in a while. and the last time i was there i was with him. It was a lot harder than i thought it would. i guess because disneyland has always been my place. i've never had to worry about anyone ruining it for me. not to say that it was ruined for me when i went. its just that i've never felt this way being there before. i was happy to be there of course but it was so much different. like it had changed in some way. the first ride we went to was toy story and of course we're waiting in line and all i could think of was him singing that selena song. i caught myself smiling remembering all of it like it was a flashback. that's how all of the memories came back to haunt me again like i was living them all over again. it was hard trying to hide it. because we went to disneyland after and we're walking through the front gate and i remembered the first time we hung out there and i met him up in the front and how nervous i was. space mountain when we had eaten all that korean bbq and the funny picture we took. the front of mainstreet where we took that picture on his birthday. pirates and the time we got scared watching that lady walk through the ride when we were on it by ourselves. haunted mansion. Matterhorn when we watched the fireworks from the ride. everything. even buying a new mug that i don't have and remembering the one he bought me that ironically said "celebrate romance" the last time we were there together. but the hardest part of all was the fireworks. watching the fireworks. i wanted him standing there holding me again. in my head i want him to feel what i'm feeling. but i don't think i would want anyone to feel what i'm feeling. so this might all be cheesy but these are our memories. and some of my most cherished and fondest memories with him. if this love didn't run so deep i wouldn't feel these wounds so much.

i wish i could remember that i am 20 feet tall to see over your 20 foot wall

want you to wanna be where i am

they say you never change. there's no possibility for change. i'm wondering why its so bad to think that maybe after 2 months without me you've finally seen that i really do mean something. enough to want me. even if i really don't think its enough for you to want to be with me yet. i know its enough to know that you see i really do mean something in your life. i miss you too. i miss you so much but its not enough to respond to a text. missing you and loving you isn't enough anymore to respond to you. because i realize that you didn't do enough for me towards the end for it to be enough. the ball is completely in your court now and until i can see. really see. that this is enough missing you and loving you isn't going to be enough to change the way you feel. and i know that now. i still have hope that things could be different i'm not completely in the thought that you're never going to change. the crazy thing is i thought this really broke me. but it never did. i still want things to be you and me. i could be completely wrong in having hopes but i guess i'll find that out eventually. but knowing that you miss me too. well it just makes me wonder. honestly i wanted to respond so bad. i wanted to say "doesn't that show you something? can't you see that it means something if it sucks that i'm not around?" but i can't. i just can't respond. and only hope that you realize i miss you too, but because i've always known why it sucks that you aren't around.

and i wish

angry inspiration

she said its about time i get mad. that i should be angry. and in all truth sometimes i really want to be angry. i want to be mad. she says i'm just letting him get away with it all. and i just find it funny that everyone is asking me if i've heard from him like if he didn't he would be a jerk but when he does he's still a jerk. and i want to be angry but i'm not. and i can't. because when i want to think bad thoughts about him i just can't. and even though its selfish as fuck to say "i know i shouldn't" but do it anyways because it gets my hopes up like i see them. because here i am thinking you must have been thinking of me. which means its quite possible you've been thinking about it. even for a minute. and all that does is get my hopes up.

which is what i've been trying to prevent this whole time. because i was finally starting to feel okay. i was finally starting to feel myself come back where i wasn't thinking about it all the time and then there it was. no words but a song. which is typical you but more typical us. and it hurts so good. so much so that i want to be angry. i want to be so mad. but i just can't hate you. i can't hate you because i'm still in love with you. so much so that i'm more determined now than ever to move to new york. because i'm almost afraid to do this here. you aren't defining any decsions just making it a little easier to decide no matter how complicated that might sound. i just know to you its always going to be a friendship but i already said we'd never be friends.

and it makes me so sad. it makes me so sad to know that this could be something so great. this could be something that would make us both happy. but i can't love you for the potential. because this is what it is. and that's just something i have to accept. that no matter what i've always been who i am and it just wasn't enough. and it breaks my heart so damn much. he told me that when i cry i need to just let myself cry but i'm so tired of these tears. i almost dont know why i'm crying anymore. i've never cried this much before. ever. ever. i've been good the last couple of days but that all changed. and the last thing i want to do is to be asking myself "why?" because i feel so pathetic when i do. i'm not this girl and its so frustrating to feel this way.

memories. memories keep coming around and its kinda crazy. i keep having these dreams like i'm just talking to you about what been going on. like we were talking how we would if we were hanging out or on the phone just talking. flowing with thoughts like its natural. almost in a telepathic sense that makes me think you have them to and somehow know these things i've been telling you in my dreams. but then i wake up and realize it was all just a dream.

i miss you all the time and sometimes i really hope you miss me too.

love lost

is it really selfish when you say you shouldn't but do it anyways?
trying not to think bad thoughts.
but it doesn't help when it makes me cry.
i don't want to cry anymore because i miss you.
i miss you so much.
i want my best friend back
i want my lover back.
but none of it seems real right now.
it seems so unlikely
and hopeless
and i feel like giving up
but i'm still in love with you.

because i just don't have the words

she said "i think its time to deal"

Maybe i would've been something you'd be good at. Maybe you would've been something i'd be good at.

I told her i feel like someone took a section of my stomach and now there's a big hole just in the middle of me and everything about me. She told me that's completely understandable and that i need to stop avoiding the situation and just face it. face it so i can deal with it and really let it all go. but that's exactly it. that's the hard part. i don't want to let it go yet. i'm still holding on to it. and i wish i wasn't sometimes because i feel like something is missing and it hurts. it sincerely hurts. to the point where i've almost lost all feeling. God, i sound dramatic well more like melodramatic and its really lame. i wish i didn't feel this way but i do and isn't that supposed to mean something? yah i think so too.

i'm hoping this trip helps in the same way it did last time i broke my heart. san fransisco seems to be this band aid for my broken heart if it does but i guess we'll see. even though almost all the bands i'm seeing are going to remind me of him i think i'll be okay to just let it go and have fun for myself. this is for me and no one else. san fran for 4 days will really take my mind off of it just to let loose without a care and have fun. here's to hoping at least.

i painted the other day. one painting i actually like that i didn't do from some picture but not necessarily from my head. i just took a sketching i had done before and put it to a painting. i mean its not so amazing but its not so bad either. i guess it just depends on the way you look at it. i should call it "paris tears" but no one would get it which doesn't really matter so we'll see. i still have 2 more to do and i have my idea for my 2nd one but not my 3rd one so we'll see.

honestly beyong this i don't know what else to say. i feel kind of help(less) with a side of hope(less) i hope that irony makes sense.

you and me

i'll be the rhythm and you'll be the beat

i feel like i'm pouring out all of my heartbreak into this book. like i'm writing every word with the love i felt. the love that still haunts me. i can't walk around anywhere without a reminder. She pulled me into a store so i could hear a different song than the one that was playing outside because she saw the look on my face. I really wish i was better at hiding all of this but i'm really not and it really sucks. she says its completely understandable because even if it wasn't official it was a break up but i have never felt this way after a break up. she says its because all the other ones have been so definite. they were all easy to let go because i could put them neatly into a box and let it go. but this one is different because i've never had these feelings before and i feel so stupid for having them. i feel like a fool in love and i really wish i wasnt sometimes in a way that makes it hate everything about it but in the same kinda way that i would stand outside holding a stereo over my head playing "a little bit" just to change your mind. i dont' exactly know how since i've been doing everything i can to avoid that song ever since but it keeps being played out of my control in places! its really not cool. i feel like the universe is playing some kind of prank on me just to see how much it can keep poking a pin to my heart like a voodoo doll.

I hope this book lets me let go of all of this because i need to feel myself again. i need to get back what i've been missing because of all of this. and they try to give it back to me. he keeps treating me like i'm his girlfriend. giving me things and trying to see me all the time and trying to talk to me all the time. but i already told him its not going to happen that i'm just not in the place for any of that right now because i'm really not but it just fueled the flame. she told him to give me my space and he got so defensive about it. i'm guessing because he couldn't imagine someone not wanting to spend all of their time with him. he thinks pretty highly of himself. i can see why. but i don't go for that.

he wants to see me so bad. yet another one. he's trying hard just like the other one. but again i'm here telling them i don't want anything and its not going to happen. i don't want anyone right now. ANYONE. my heart just won't be able to take any of it right now and someone is going to want something from me that i can't give because its in pieces and i'm trying to put it back together right now or at least trying to figure out how to put it together right now. that freaking humpty dumpty rhyme plays in my head every time. he says its been a long time comin but a change is gonna come. i hope he's right. i guess its time to find out.

don't let me go tonight.

serenade me this song and i'll always be yours

find that road that leads you back to me. i promise it'll be all you need.

someday.

because i remember when you said "i've never been in love before" and i told you "you're all i need"

he said "do you and the rest will follow". his faith keeps me hopeful. because so far there's a piece of me missing and everyone sees it. I can try to hide it as much as i want but its got me wide open for everyone else to see and luckily the only people that have asked are his 2 best friends. actually that might not be so luckily cuz they are the ones i just can't lie to. and when i had to face the truth i'm fighting again not to cry those tears again but the truth really hurts sometimes. i guess now i can only do me and really hope the rest really does follow.