In these days

I start to realize that it all builds up just to fall apart. I work on so many other things that I let my love life fall by the wayside. She always tells me it's because I just haven't found anyone worth my efforts. He turns to me and says, "I think you still love someone back home and that's why you end up not caring about any of the guys here." I don't think I still love him. At least I don't feel it. She would probably tell me it wasn't true. But at this point I just don't know ow much I care anymore.

I live the life I've always wanted. I'm meeting people I would have never thought I could meet. I'm going to the parties, the clubs, and living the life as I know I have to right now no matter how tiring it gets. I don't want to find myself slipping into anything and I have enough self control to never worry about myself. I love my career and what I do. I wouldn't change it for the world. Which is why I think I'm finally getting recognition for it. There is still so much to conquer.

She passed away the day I bought my ticket back to California for Christmas. I wanted to feel something in regards to her death but I didn't. I just didn't care. I cared about my mother and how she felt and if she was okay and I called her every day up to the funeral of her mother. The first death I wasn't there for. She was okay. She was relieved. I'm not a monster. My grand,other was just not a person I ever wanted to know because of the cruel actions and hurtful words she practiced with talent. Other mourned for her. She didn't need me to lie to her in her death.

I've watched them come and go with ease. I've watched myself build a thicker wall. And I've seen myself lose all emotional feeling to anything. I'm so numb to the touch I can't even be sad about it anymore. Constant disappointments will do that to you.

He came into the picture so smooth. Found his way into my office with a mutual friend. Sat next to me and serenaded me in front of everyone. I did not blush. I didn't even look at him. He asked me to go to the show with him. I had to go anyways for work. He picked me up in his nice car. It didn't exactly impress me. We played 21 questions. He mostly talked about himself while I looked out the window. He played his music again. Told him the truth. For some reason that made his eyes sparkle just a little more. I actually had fun with him. He tried to up the anty and ask me to be in his next music video. He tells me he wants to take me to Miami. Then he sets up our first date. He works throughout the night on a video shoot, then is out because f surgery for the last week. This would be different if I cared. He tells me our date is long past due. I tell him I already forgot what he looks like. But I guess we'll see.

The rest are all the same boys. Nothing to offer but trying like I'm supposed to give my heart away. Too bad there isn't one to give right now. They complain about my job but don't realize they will never come before my career. They don't pay my bills. My career does. Why can't they understand that?

If you don't want to be down with me, you don't want to pick from my apple tree.