And I've never asked for too much

But it always seems like the impossible. I went on my day like i was wearing my heart on my face and everyone could see.

I woke up and realized it felt like I was leaving my body. I left myself sitting there. Realizing he knew the truth all along and didn't tell me. He knowingly hurt me. And I only say this because he knew the bullshit he was pulling and didn't stop it. He knew he would hurt me. But he saved it for now? You save it for after I'd believed you cared to tell me there was someone else the whole time?

And here's the thing. There is a difference between going out and having fun and actually seeing someone. And you have been seeing someone. And I've been here thinking something completely different because you let me. You knew what I had been through but you let it happen all over again and for what? What did you gain from all of this? What were you hoping to prove? Because all you did was show me I should have never opened up at all. I am the fool.

And you can pretend I'm not but I was the fool who believed in you and we both know that's true. You could've spared me but you told me things that made me believe I should keep on. You should have let me go. I didn't deserve all of this and Fuck it hurts so fucking bad. Because you told me they were wrong but you proved them all right. And it's so fucking hurtful.

And I don't even think you're sorry. I really dont. I feel like it didn't matter to you at all because if it did you wouldn't have done this to me being completely knowledgeable of my past. I can't come back from this. I don't give up. I'm just accepting it and letting go.

I knew that life was never for me and I should have just accepted it then and let it all go. If I wasn't cold enough before with my emotions it's all gone to shit now. And you have no idea how this feels and I still wouldn't fucking wish it upon you.

I made the appointment today. Tuesday I will know the truth. And I will deal with what comes. I'm taking myself, by myself, I will leave by myself and I will go to work like it didn't happen. I will go to the event like I didn't see anything. And then I will work the next day like it was all a dream. And I will deal with it when the next appointment is made for the next week.because I already know. And everything else that is happening leading up to it is just proving it. A serious of terrible events.

He came in to see me today. He said he wanted to see me again. He's been wanting my attention but I've been hardly there and now he's just too late. I'm so far gone I wouldn't know how to get back from here. My night was supposed to be filled with the parties, the drinks, the lights, the music. And I probably needed all of it, but I couldn't tonight. It might have been a mistake but it can wait till tomorrow.

Breaking it up, it's already gone.

Chances, changes, moments

I hate to love those moments I can't seem to get myself out of. What were we hoping for to happen? I can only assume you believed we could reestablish a friendship you think has been lost. I honestly had no intentions. I showed up with no expectations. What I wasn't expecting was tears.

I know what your words mean. I know what you say when you say it. But maybe that was just it. With everything you said, I could feel me falling even deeper into myself. I was wishing there was some blanket j could just pull over my head so you couldn't see me anymore. I realized I had opened up myself to someone in such a way and knowing you couldn't see me. I'm still well aware of it all. It plays out like
E some cheesy sad romantic movie in my mind. And all I keep thinking is. "what is my fucking issue?" because I clearly have one. I haven't cried like that ever in a public place. And all I wanted to do was disappear.

It only sent me back to ground zero when you said it was how we started. How relevant is that anymore? If everything changed? If you know I'm so different but you treat me all the same. I'm supposed to be so disposable? I guess I can't blame you. Maybe I can't see myself from the outside looking in to know the difference but there has to be something because you aren't the only one.

You aren't the only one that has said and done these things. And you might think that I don't believe people can change because I don't have enough faith. But where is the faith? Where do I put the little I have left when everything point to the same disappointment? I know I have to learn to deal with the fact it's not in the cards for me. But this is all part of me getting there.

There is no blame in you just confirmation of what I guess I've always known. I need to just keep everything in how. Because there is no longer a foot to shoot when it's been completely demolished.

Faithful heart you are what I feel most sad for. So utterly blind to history repeating and yet you still hold on. You still think he'll still show up next thursday. You think he would never forget you on your birthday. But you tend to be unaware that his heart has already forgotten you because it never knew you.

Yet again, oh love oh love stop making a fool of me. At this point is rather just be alone.

And when I always knew

I wake up knowing I'm in the midst of a moment in my life when nothing is going my way and I have to make the most of it all.

It was like more bad news after the next. The first one I didn't care about because I was never close to her and she was no better than her sister. But then he called and told me they talked. He found where he was and for the 45 minutes they talked he had cried for 35 minutes of the conversation. I would to if I found out where the son I hadn't heard of or seen for 5 years was now a phone call away. Unfortunately he solidified her lies. It is possible it might not be him and someone else. And that is something I fear because I cant do it to this boy. He is so much of me and I can't let him hurt anymore than he already has. But I know I can only protect him so much from her vicious truths.

I know I can read too much into things sometimes. But something woke me up and I saw his text then I wasted time and saw his tweets. I told myself they had nothing to do with me but a part of me wanted to believe they did. But then I feel like my heart is back to its old tricks. I can't let myself get so wrapped up that way. And I couldn't even really tell you why I do. And here I was thinking I would give him some space instead I'm texting him all day about things I didn't even really want to tell him but he just brings it out of me. He says he knows how I feel or he can relate to what I'm going through. And I appreciate that he thinks he does but he has no idea. He has no inclination of what this is and what it feels like. And I wouldn't want to wish it on him anyways.

Lover to lover, how can you still know me but not know me at all? How can you see me so clearly but be so blind to us?

Losing my religion

I felt it all over again. It was all over me and sticking to my skin like a bad tattoo I couldn't shake it. I couldn't let go of the feeling. I wanted to do bad because I've been here before. I've heard all the words you said and I think to myself "is it really all worth it?" but it really isn't. So I don't tell you that my feelings are gone. I don't feel anything that way anymore. For now you can believe what you want because I don't feel like saying it out loud until you ever ask. Because I cant hide anything from you.

It's not you that hurts me. Its my own heart and stubbornness that does his to me. So I will hardly be here but still ever present in it.

I was there knowing there was something. It was like a 6th sense that I could feel. I could hear it like a voice in my head that I wasn't going to be so lucky. When he looked up at me and told me it had never fully healed I felt a pain in my side. He pressed down when he felt the lump. He looked at me with such a serious concern on his face while she smiled trying to be so reassuring. And all I could think of is, "I can't leave them."

I know the percentages of a second time. I know the risks and the struggle. I know it's a fight and I know I can't say anything till I get the results and again I'm playing another waiting game. It just seems unfair that if I'm not meant for love couldn't I at least have a clean bill of health?

Because I don't have him to hold my hand. I don't have him to kiss my head and tell me it's going to be okay and sometimes having to do this alone makes it so much harder. But if I did with him hating me for it. I can do it by myself. I don't really have a choice this time.

All that day I didn't talk about it. I walked around with the news over my head trying to pretend it wasn't raining down on me. I did pretty well distracting myself. But I didn't want to tell her while she's overseas. I couldn't tell him because he would be too worried and I couldn't tell them because they just never know how to react. He was the next best thing. And my only option. He was there when I needed him. At the oddest hours of the night worried why I would be needing him to call after not talking for a week.

I told him and he gave me the response I knew he would. I just needed to talk about it and he was the only one I trusted for that in that very moment. He talked to me like nothing had happened. We spoke like we had never stopped taking for 7 days. And it almost made me feel like he didn't care. Like he was only able to talk to me like I had been there the whole time because it didn't matter if I was gone or not. But of course that's my dramatics playing tricks on me. As soon as he said he would always be here for me, I knew.

I can't make choices so drastic sometimes. I've come to realize more than ever now that I'm never going to know just how much more time I have and I need to take advantage of the time I have now. Whether it breaks my heart or not at least I would've lived my life fully. Whether he's here standing next to me or not. He was always the one I called.

And when I find myself at the edge of the line

Do I cross it?

I just want to say "and when you're not the only one not giving a fuck, don't be surprised." because I've been here before. I feel like I'm rereading a story I know the ending too. Nothing has changed because you don't care for it to. You might care about me to an extent but it really isn't enough to keep me here at this moment.

And don't gets wrong. I don't want to. I don't want to turn my back on you. I don't want to disappear. But it's what I have to do because I can't do this to myself again. I know what comes next and it's not a story I'm willing to relive.

Because I'm always going to lose. I'm going to be the one that gets hurt. I'm the one that's going to have to hear that you're happy with someone else that isn't me soon after. That is the role that I play out.

"won't you come over? Stop making a fool out of me."

So when I say the words and you think you understand. You think that it had to happen. And you're disappointed to lose me as a friend just know that love was always a losing game for me. I can't win. And it's not to take it out on you. It's jot to punish you. But it's just to save what I have left of this heart. Because it barely holds on as is. And I'm not going to fill it with the same hopeful faith I once did. Only to have it all torn apart because you weren't ready for me. I shouldn't have to pay that price and neither should you.

So when the cards are on the table and you see me disappear in front of your eyes. I think we both know it was bound to happen. It never made any sense why we couldn't happen but then again it never does. It's just something that is and always was.

I'll keep you close to my thoughts of treasured things. But that's as close as I can let you get. Because that's as close as i could ever get to you.

You don't have to worry

Because I'm coming back to where I should have always stayed.

We spent the day as I expected we would. And it was great as it usually is. Until that moment. And I didn't want to say it. I really didn't. But he was there trying to solve the problem or give me the solutions and comfort me but all I could think was "the problem can't be the one laying here trying to give me the solution."

And when I said it outloud. When I brought it to his attention. I wish I could take back that look on his face. That moment when his expression showed how much he hated himself at that exact point in time.

And at that same moment I just couldn't fight it. I couldn't do it again knowing I would only get the same results. Knowing that he's never going to really want me. Knowing that I'm never going to be his. Knowing that he would only break my heart again in the exact same way it was before. And I will be damned if I go through that again. So I sat there next to him telling the truth when I said no matter what happened I would never change once I walked out that door.

But once I did. He believed everything had changed. No matter how deep or real the connection, it was never going to be enough for him and no matter how heartbreaking that might be, I don't have the fight in me anymore to think I can change that.

I can never force him into anything and he knows that. And even though I have no idea how this happened. I still can't control it and I don't want to. He can't tell me why. And it makes no sense. But it's just the way it is and as of right now I don't know what to do about it or where to go from here. It would be easy if I could just give up on people. I don't have a quitters attitude.

So I go through my day hoping he's ok. Wanting to know if he's healing and feeling better. But I have to stop myself and know it's not me he's thinking about. And when I was sitting there looking away from him every time I felt the tears coming because I knew this is my fate. To always be so close to the possibilities of love but never in arms reach. And it isn't his fault or mine. It's just the way it is.