the lake

After all this time, i still find it amazing that words still find their way out of the mouths of snakes. it might not be the most proper or rational way to describe the people that were ripped out of my life for the fascades they lived. He still finds it necessary to try and come into contact with me even though he knows that it was he who put the whole story to an end. so why find it necessary after all this time to once again tap me on the shoulder to remind you are still there? just let it go and let it be. what were the words he sang? o yes. "get it together or leave it alone" as michael had once said it. my only rational choice is to ignore the invitation. Don't get me wrong, the curiosity is there, but this cat wants to keep her life. I'm done with all of that so there is no point in trying to find out why he would be trying to talk to me now. there is just now point and it just doesn't matter anymore. my life is better now than before.

i can smell the roses in the air, and it only goes to show that there is something in the midst of all of this. and i can't get enough of breathing it in. I want to forget everything i once was and hold on to this now. i see a future that is looking pretty bright. only because i can see the importance in his eyes and it means something to me. means something more to me than thinking it can just be thrown away. so i'll throw myself in the middle of everything i know he is, and go for what i know is right. what i know is right for me. fear never tried so hard, but love never earned so much.

i still get a little confused at the situation. she says she saw what i was talking about all along. the tension that exists in this purgatory whenever you are near me. unfortunately for you, my feelings have disappated because i've found something new i can't get enough of. but i see it in you, that your feelings still linger no matter how much you deny it. it was there written on the wall for even him to see. i could feel the anger as you turned away from me. but what can i say? what can i do? when i moved on after you said no? i accepted you for what you said, i can't feel any kind of regret or guilt because i honestly don't. i'm happy where i am, and i know now that you will be here whether you are with me or not just to be in my life next to me. i appreciate that for everything it is. you would never leave me side, because it says something when you are the first one to wish me good morning and a happy birthday.

gravity

I keep trying to keep my feet on the ground at the same time as letting it all go. its hard to start when i've left off at such a questionable state. You know sometimes i think its because karma is designed that way. like what comes around goes around and i apparently got mine. i thought i had hit the ground running but here i was stuck in this train of thought. He left without a second guess and he left without ever looking back. i keep telling myself it was the best thing that could have happened in the way it should have. and in all honestly it really was. it needed to happen and i needed to get my heart broken the way it did. i feel like what was done was done now. it had been so long since i had been that happy when it was all said and done. i finally realized that it was what i was looking for because i never want to have the feeling i did that night in the hotel room when i had to pin my eyes to the ceiling telling myself over and over not to cry because i needed to hold it all in. i needed to keep it all in and staring at that stain on the ceiling while he stole my soul was the only way i could go about it. but it was watching him drive away that made me realize he saved me from myself. i needed him to let go to be free. i needed him to leave me there fighting for this war he knew i would never win. i was the hero in my own love story and i came out wounded but i came out with a purple heart on my chest. i keep telling myself it happens to everyone and some people have it worse, but really it doesn't matter who has what because life has a new dawn in the horizon and no matter how cliche' the new day might be, its never tasted so sweet. i see myself all over again. i see myself in this whole new light and life seems so more exciting when you have this whole new beginning in your hands.

you know sometimes heartbreak can be so deceiving. people constantly look on it with fear and loathing but i can tell you sometimes it is what saves your life. i only know this because it ultimately saved mine. my heart was breaking for someone who belittled me with every chance he got. my heart was breaking for the man i didn't know, like, or recognize anymore. don't get me wrong he was not always this way. there was a man there that i had loved with all my heart. there was once a man there who had earned every little piece of me he got. unfortunately for me, he took a lot of it with him when he walked out that door. but it only means there is more room for me to find the me that was never there before. because its my responsibility to myself to restore my life in a fashion that makes me everything i am. i'm ready to put this together. i'm ready to work for this life that i want. it keeps this fire under my ass that keeps me going. its this energy i have to wake up every morning and push even harder than i did the day before. because no one will take what he took from me ever again. because now its my turn. its my turn to have someone give everything they can to me and for me to love them unconditionally because they can. because they want to give me everything that is apart of them.

just because i might give my love a little at a time doesn't mean its not still giving my love. giving you what i can. because right now i don't care who cares me accountable for the things i had never done. because now it doesn't matter. it will never change the new found glory in myself i have found. it will not change the way they look at me. it will not change the way i've made things to be.