final countdown

there is this fairy tale. it always starts the same so i will just stick to the classic.

once upon a time,

We met. At the time we really didn't think anything of it. We sat next to each other. We found our similarities. I thought you were arrogant and somewhat of an asshole. You thought I was too opinionated and a little rude. But a little time went on and it was apparent that we were tied at the hip. Hours spent in each other's dorm rooms working, studying, talking, and occasionally sleeping. everything seemed like it was falling into place, except for that one thing. I had a boyfriend of a year and a half and he had a girlfriend of a year. We kept our romantic and physical distance. We never crossed the line. You never pushed and I never pulled. There was an obvious connection we did a great job of denying.

he would come visit me and see us together. see the chemistry and connection. he swore you were in love with me. i hid my feelings so well he was convinced there was something there but could never prove anything. not even the look in my eyes. He was paranoid like everyone else that wanted us. They would watch us and whisper and stare wondering what was really going on and assuming there had to be something. without knowing the truth. she would later say that we were totally platonic without being platonic at all. i knew the feelings were there and it was obvious we were into each other. but we refused to cross the line. until i left without saying good bye. I didn't know i wasn't going back until i just didn't go back. and we kept in touch over the years.

for that brief time we were even engaged on facebook. and eventually married i think. it was one of the times i was going through another one of this pointless heartbreaking games. you came out of no where with the sweetness i just needed at that moment. but then he came back like he always did and i didn't want him to see that so we ended our pretend marriage. and went back to our friendly ground we were always steady on. until life kept happening to us. and next thing i knew i was telling you i would be seeing you soon when i moved to new york. you had been here 2 years and i didn't know how i would ever feel seeing you again. i just assumed we would go back to being close friends like we had 6.5 years before.

you texted me that saturday and i remember hearing your voice on the phone when i got off work. and all of a sudden i was nervous. and then we were walking down that sidewalk towards each other. you finally came out of the shadows and i saw the biggest smile on your face and it was like we hadn't gone years without seeing each other. it was all back and here i was hugging you again like nothing had happened. like there was no change but reuniting with an old friend. until those old feelings came rushing back faster than i thought they could have. as the night went on, there was no stopping us.

when you told me i was too beautiful not to have a boyfriend, the line didn't work. but when we were there on that street corner and you grabbed my face and went in for that kiss and told me you had been waiting 6 years to do that, i'm just glad you were holding me because i would have fallen over if you weren't/ the rest of the night i needed to keep double taking the situation to realize it wasn't a dream at all. and then i got home, accused you of being drunk, but you said it wouldn't have mattered any way. I almost didn't believe you until our second date and you proved you really didn't need to be drunk to kiss me. that night we finally said it. it was weird to be sitting next to each other 6 years later in new york, kissing, and having it feel like the right thing. like it was something we should've been doing a while ago. i'm happy we didn't because it makes now so much more like its the right time. almost like its fate.

you said you wanted to take it slow, and i didn't mind, twirling your flower in my hand. i would've stayed there for hours if i didn't have to go to work. days went by until our next date and i wanted to see you. i was nervous. until i walked to the corner and saw you standing there waiting for me. you grabbed me by the hand and we went off. you made me feel like i was on a decent date with someone special. we sat there across the table just talking like we usually do, with candle light. You looked me in the eyes and made me promise i would meet your parents when we went back to california for christmas, and that you would be able to meet mine. I said fine as long as we went to disneyland. i'm not going to lie i was a little scared to agree. and i'm still scared, but there's a mix of excitement there. mostly just knowing i'm going to see you for christmas. we went on a random adventure like we seem to always do in the city.

until we laid there and i told you i couldn't have us be about all that. and it wasn't and it hasn't been because we haven't gotten there. and a part of me wants to know if this is going where i want it to go and where i'm hoping you want it to go too. because i know what i'm ready for and i'm more than ready for something with you. and i really think we would be good at it together. she said i should wait until i came back from my vacation to talk to you about it. but i'm thinking i might just wait because i'm honestly afraid.

you came to see me before i left for the holidays and i didn't want you to leave and i know you didn't want to stop kissing me before i jumped on the train. i left and i all i want to do is talk to you whenever i'm not around you. to have you by my side holding my hand and just talking about whatever. the fact that almost 7 years later we can be this happy together. that we finally have our chance at something special after all this time. and yet i'm still completely scared of you.

she says because i tend to find similarities in my heart break and connect it to sabotage the good ones i find. i don't want to ruin things with you, but it is quite possible my fear will take hold and ruin us before we even have a real chance. i'm going to try and give it all up because i see myself with you. i see myself being happy with someone like you. i guess only time will tell and eventually i'm going to let it all go and hope that all of this leads to us....

living happily ever after.

Waiting for forever

And it's taking too damn long.

Wish it would all start now so I could breathe in my own skin again.

He said it just right because he knows the pain. He knows the numbness. He knows the way it goes. And yet we both sit here wondering why it just won't go away already.

Every hug in new York can't let me escape the heart break I left in California.

One day it will. And every day gets a little easier. Just not today.

Black and blue

I tried to do hand stands for you. And every time I fell, I fell harder for you. Now I'm black and blue for you.

He broke my heart 'cause I really loved him.

Watch me walk and watch you follow me down the rivers and roads when you never knew you were still walking towards me. One day you'll find me no matter how lost you really are.

Good things can work.

And when I really think about it....

I can't stop thinking about you.

So much keeps unravelling the last few weeks. I feel like I'm starting and finishing things over and over again. There is so much to take care of and I'm doing that. But my heart is so foolish i wish my brain would officially put it in check. It needs tombe kicked around by my reason and straightened out by my rational, I finally dropped the ones that really didn't matter. And now am friends with them except for one, he was the child that just couldn't get it together to make things happen. It sucks because it was fun but nit worth all the grief, and in the long run it's all for the best even though it was pretty shitty and now I can't help but ignore him so that I can ignore the childish acts of a child. And yet I'm still a little surprised. It only goes to show my theory was right about the whole thing. But then again...I don't care.

He still texts me the wa he used to but in this desperate sort of way that makes me feelmbad for him. I don't know what else to say about that really. And yet there are still parts of him that I admire.


I hate the way I always find myself in these situations. I always want the one I can't have. He behaves like he wants to. He talks to me like he wants to. He looks at me like he wants to. And then he hugged me. Told me he wanted tontake men with him. I told him I was confused with wha he sometimes says andnhis actions. He told me he thinks about it all the time. That he thinks about men all the time. And he wants to so bad but there's too much going on in his head right now. And I'm too tired of that situation tonknow what to do about it. I think about him and I want him next to me. But I know that's just the makings of a fools pie I've already made myself full from. And it hurts so good. I just want to kiss him so bad. But i'll walkaway from it all to save my heart this time.

When we slow dance

I'm in the midst of all of this. Finding myself having to make some kind of decision.

I caught him trying to be someone different than what he wanted me to see. When I try to take my space to turn and walk in the opposite direction he's there holding my hand trying to tell me that he liked me. He wants to continue this thing with me. I have no idea what it is but he's laying next to me and I don't know what I want. When he asks me I can't help but being honest. I can't stop wanting the feel of h is skin but I don't want all the bagging that its dragging with it. The jokes can make everyone else laugh but make me sink back into my chair feeling like a damn fool. I know what I have to do because I just can't anymore.

He is the gentleman. He checks on me. He takes consideration of me. And out of all of them he's got the highest rating. But at the same time I just don't know. I like being around him. I like that he wants to see me. Maybe with a couple more times I'll know. But at this point who knows.

He keeps telling me he wants to be with me but he doesn't even know me. He is getting feelings and this is a crush completely mixed up. He looks at me like I'm the girl. He is too young to know I never could be his. He'll try until he hurts himself. But I never made any promises and although I don't want to hurt him. I can't give him what he wants from me.

He entices me. I want to know what it's like to have his arms around me. He's been interested since the first time he met me. But the only thing I know right now is that he's no different than all the other ones that meet me and think I am the right girl to only not be ready for a girl like me. He says the things he thinks I want to hear and I'm not sure if he's trying to smooth talk or not but I'm not going to give in because this time it's business. And pleasure isn't something I need to be mixing with that.

I wish you would

And it's hard to dance with the devil on your back. So shake it out.

I find when one area of my life gets increasingly better, another part gets worse. The work I'm doing has me completely amazed in such a humble way every day. Meeting people I could only dream of seeing has been so incredible and living the life I had somewhat dreamed of here is so much more than I could hope for and I know I still have a long way to go, but if it keeps going this way I know I'll get there sooner than later. Bt at the same time there are sacrifices to be made.

He was someone who made me happy. I was letting myself really consider things until he put himself out the way he did and I read it all and thinking there is no way now. I can't find myself in an uncomfortable place like this. It's a shame but I always said this was nothing serious to begin with. He sat there eating and talking to me about future plans not knowing it was the last time he would see me. She said she would have never known it was the last time either. But I just can't do it to myself. I am better than that. And the possibilities arent enough to keep me here.

He left with a kiss and a smile and as I closed the door behind him it only took 2 hours to have another one at my door. He's full of hope because he caught the feelings he knows I can't. He wants me to want him in the exact same way. And although it comes down to the attention. He handles it with so much care and affection it's hard to pull away. And he gives itself away with his morning greetings and soft I miss you. But then he leaves and pushes himself away and its for the best. Because the day he made himself open I was on a train to go on the first date.

We walked to this random bar that ended up to be really great. And a realty great kind of romantic first date setting. We got the same amazing drink I will never forget and talked. And talked. And laughed. And talked. Walked to a park bench and talked. Walked to the bridge and he stopped me in the middle, over the water with the lights all around us. He gave me a look I know so well. And took me by the waist to kiss me. It was a moment I won't forget. But I don't know what going on with me. I just didn't feel anything. So I went home after we crossed the bridge he asked me to let him know when I got home. I did and went to sleep.

Then I realized I don't know what I'm doing, but I do know I'm ready for a relationship if it arises but not with any of these guys. I need someone who is going to turn me upside down and make me want more. And i just haven't found that yet. So I let go of my love life for my career and a lot of people might not agree with that but it works for me right now. And thats what matters.

Why don't you

Fuck what you heard.

There are parts of people's lives that are supposed to make you stop in your tracks. But he comes across with these pieces of valuable information that have me slowing down but not stopping.

We went to enjoy ourselves. 24 floors up and I was engulfed in the lights of the city. With a drink in mu hand and feeling literally on top of the world, I couldn't care about the things i just can't change and the things that just won't change me. I was completely happy in the way things were in that moment but he crossed my mind and I just wanted to talk to him but stopped myself instead.

It was already the early morning when we left to go to the rowdy place with the mechanical bull. Dancing, drinks, laughs, and an all around good time later we parted ways but she went with me to further my wants and needs. I didnt want to just show up but it was too late to turn back around and I just didn't want to. We walked down the steps and I could hear my nerves pounding with the music of the club.

I gave my name and they ushered us in to where he was. I looked at him and just wanted to touch him. He had our drinks made and we headed to the dance floor. Dancing for a few more hours and then going back for more. She was distracted with a distraction and I was feeling something when he said, "that's her man." a truth and a lie mixed together. Officially unofficial without a word of any of it. We laughed and he made us another drink. And I knew I was going home with him. The lights turned on and everyone went slowly home. He laughed at me and told me he was jealous I got to go home with him and that he was my man. I smiled but was still unsure of it all. We walked out and the sun was rising. We got in the cab and I had no intention of doing anything but going to sleep. He on the other hand...

Mixed bodies, tangled emotions, and erotic scents of skin later, I was totally satisfied. He held me close as we went to sleep. All track of time was lost and soon the thunder and lightning outside was so loud it felt like it was outside his window and as the rain came pouring down he grabbed me close to him again and lifted me above him like I was jus a play thing. I felt the chills roll over my skin and felt the heat counter the coldness of the rain outside. Wrapped up in our own little world there, the day slipped from us. W left in the early evening and I ran caught in the rain to meet with her.

W ate, laughed, and caught up. She told me she had a friend she wanted to introduce me to and instead of saying, "I'm kinda seeing someone right now." I just permitted the date she was trying to set up. I realized that io just still can't put myself into the position of anything serious and its hard because I really enjoy our time together but I just need to still see what's out there right now because I'm still too jolted to find myself in anything serious with someone.

He told me I need to stop thinking so much and just let myself feel something. That he knows I'm doing this because I don't want to look at how I really feel. That might be true but it's mostly because I don't know exactly how he feels about me and I'm not going to do that to myself again. I'm not doing a back and forth thing with a hot and cold guy who thinks he can come and go as he pleases in my life. And so I put off thinking about how I really feel about it so I don't have to and tell myself a serious something is not for me because then I won't have to look at how I really feel and I won't have to go through this anymore with someone who really couldn't give a shit. I know you aren't supposed to have someone payforsomeone else's mistakes and I'm sure eventually I'll learn that with all of this but for now I just can't help thinking my heart has been through too much to be ready for this. And that has nothing to do with him. But everything to do with me.

Oh you see

It won't mean a thing to me. I've been doing this too long. If you try to play it low ain't nobody going to care enough. So don't make me make you fall in love with someone like me.

You wanted to warn me but I was always the one that needed to warn you.

He told me without telling me like he was going to hurt me. Like he was going to break me to pieces if he did. But he wouldn't have. Because it's all in e past now and I really don't care anymore. None of it matters to me anymore. I don't love you anymore and it feels more real now than it ever did before. And it's okay. I assumed you would. I assumed it had been long enough for you too. Especially since it was always me you just couldn't be with. And at the end of the day, it never had anything to do with me. And now I'm gone.

We sat there talking and eating and I started realizing we had much more in common than I actually thought we would. Two days later I didn't expect to hear from you but I did. W walked throu the door and it was definitely not what I was expecting. But there was something about seeing you again that had me realizing I wanted to see you but didnt need anymore than that. She was leaving and I was dead set on leaving with her until I saw that look in your eyes and she told me I needed to stay. The way our bodies moved together when we danced had me wanting much more than I would have if I had left. And when we walked out the door i could smell the dawn like it had been waiting for us to come out of hiding. We walked up the marathon of steps to your front door and I remember feeling a sudden urge of anxiety and nervousness.

When we sat there I saw that look on your face and as you carried me to the room I couldn't help but feel totally relaxed. And then there was all of it. From the heat to the skin to the 8 pack I could feel on my finger tips to the sweat to the chills to the complete chemistry of it all. I left not knowing exactly what had happened like it was all some cast fantasy dream.

Sleeping till the next night to wake up dazed. He invited me out to drinks but I could only think of the nit I had with you. Well the early morning. He wanted me the way he did years ago and I couldn't do anything but walk away from him like i was still his friend back then. He doesn't want to know nothing has changed so I leave it alone like it hasn't.

I went to make something of myself and did. Probably e biggest opportunity in my career this far. And I'm only hoping something amazing comes from it. But I won't let my hopes get too far ahead of me and just try my best.

I went to see you free and I remember how surprised I w to see you walking up the other side of the street to meet me in the middle. Hours went by and walking, talking, eating, drinking, playing video games, movies, and music later, we found ourselves completely wrapped and intertwined yet again. It went by like a hot scene in a movie with the right music playing as our soundtrack. I didn't want it to stop and it didn't until we totally passed out. But I was satisfied feeling the heat of your body next to mine. Waking up to you kissing me was perfect. And I could've laid there next to you all day. Bt the I had to leave.

And yet I still don't want anything more than exatly what this is right now. Broken hearts a he'll of a fickle thing to get passed.and I only hope it makes the right choices for me in the long run. Because I'll be damned if I do to anyone what he did to me. Where he ever knows the severity of it doesn't even matter because it will never matter to him.

Now I'm enjoying the satisfaction in his touch. So touch me again and make it start all over again.

like i'm indestructible

starting over somewhere new is like living life for the first time all over again sometimes. or at least that's how i feel. I moved into my new apartment and its like a whole new something inside of me came out. IT sounds so weird but this place feels so much like home that whenever i'm here i have this all encompassing calm relaxed feeling of peace. it makes me so happy to be here and to stay here. I guess this really is the beginning of something completely new that i really love.

Besides that I find myself sometimes zoning off. I don't know why but its like I'm not completely satisfied yet. not to say i'm someone who isn't ever satisfied, but i'm just not satisfied with the way things are yet. I still have a ways to go but taking it one day at a time. and i'm sure one day i'll get there and God knows i'm trying but emotional i'm still hidden inside myself like i'm too afraid to let it out.

she gives me advice that keeps me thinking to myself i can't give up on it yet. and he has this way of calling me out when he sounds me questioning myself. He says i haven't had those conversatoins with myself that has me realizing what it is i really want and what i am ready for. I have too much going on right now for all of that.

he came around and was this person to be somewhat interested in. We were sitting there eating delicious food and I realized we had much more in common than I thought we would have. And we laughed and talked like we'd known each other for some time. But then I saw him in action. And I realized there were things about him that I didn't like. It was cute to see him get nervous enough to spill drinks and drop things. But the other stuff I saw was just a turn off. Maybe for some girls that stuff is a turn on but he always told me I was never like most girls. I never have been and I never will and that might be why I've had so much trouble in the relationship department but I don't care enough to change being different. I'm relaxed in my relationships and I've come to notice that it tends to be too easy for some people to hang with. but i don't see a problem with it.

letting go and hiding back inside myself all at the same time.

i guess what i was feeling is all in the past tense now.

till i collapse

You did it yet again. And I shouldn't be surprised and im not just disappointed. She said you're never going to be that guy. And you're never going to give me the apology I want. He said one day we would have a topical relationship. And now I realize I don't want one at all like I haven't for the last 6 months. To deny what you said and act like you did nothing wrong so you wouldn't have to show face is just so sad.

You turn around and yell at me like I did something wrong but you were the one that told me to my face that I didn't matter to you and you didn't care. To deny that now and say" if sorry is what you want then im sorry." What the hell is that? Cause I can tell you right now that's no apology.

But there are 3000 miles between us now and I don't need to see or speak to you ever again if I don't want to and im perfectly okay with that. Especially now. So im giving you what you've asked for and don't worry about hearing from me again. I don't care anymore about what you say or do because im moving past you. Its sad because all I kept thinking was" why doesn't my father want me? Why can't he try for me?" And I realized that's why I end up dating the guys that I do. And now I just want to stay away. And find peace here on the other side.

Because I will not collapse anymore because of you or anyone like you.

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I knew that before you did.

And there's this burning, like there's always been. i've never been so alone and i've...i've never felt so alive.

I'm starting to feel something weird. not like i'm completely numb anymore there's something there but it hasn't completely come to the surface yet. sometimes it comes and sometimes it goes and I think its just me finding my way back to normality. There's still a heaviness in the pit of my stomach or the center of my chest. But its gradually getting lighter with every step i take to getting myself situated. There's still a lot to conquer but I think I'm somewhat ready.

He texted me and I still don't feel much. It's entertaining to say whatever there is to say about it but nothing to call home about. I just feel bored with that kind of stuff right now. He finally got the hint I think when I somewhat ignored what he was saying to me that day. My friend laughed about it later but I think he felt bad for him too. I don't want to hurt anyone I just don't want to be involved.

She called to complain. She gave me a lecture on why I should call him. But I told her I don't want to and there's no need to. We don't have a relationship anymore and I'm okay with that. I could tell he got upset when I talked to him about it but that's because that's a scab that won't ever heal for him. I can't say I completely feel indifferent to it because it hurts every time. But I plan to nip it in the butt on sunday and just tell him straight out. Things will never be the same. He ruined everything for us. and there's no going back.

I wish more people would just stop doing that.

I guess he was right when he asked, "why is it that the ones you really love are the ones that make you feel like you want to die?"



him: I bet your that girl who never comes across someone who doesn't love you whether it be right away or gradually.

me: I'm sure I have people who hate me.

him: Yes, but you're haters love to hate you so it still counts.

me: That might be true, but i at least know of one person.

him: Who?

me: The only person I ever really loved was the one person that never really loved me.

him: Sounds like a damn fool to me.

come as you are

so my birthday ended up being much more than I had ever anticipated. I worked and although it was a crazy day, it was still pay day and everyone at work wished me a happy birthday. well my friends did. they also offered to take me out when they got off work. I had planned to go see Beats, Rhymes and Life after work, which I did. It was a great movie but seemed a lot like a VH1 Behind The Music special. He had asked me if we could do something when he got off work. I had told him about the movie and that i wouldn't get out till way after he got off work. But when I walked out the movie theater, he was there. waiting for me. Most girls would think it was incredibly romantic. But it made me uncomfortable. he walked with me back to the park and bought me a drink while i waited for the girls.

he has an incredibly tragic life that makes him quite an endearing person. But I just don't want to date. i'm not in that mind space. I see it in his eyes and he keeps telling me how beautiful my eyes are the songs that come to his head every time he sees me. It is incredibly sweet but I just can't. We were at the bar when the girls came to meet up. We had a few drinks and an all around good time until the park closed and she told us about this gay bar down the street. I had never been to one and thought "why not?" so we went and they let me in for free since it was my birthday. The bartenders were shirtless with amazing bodies. He was one of the hottest guys I had seen in person in a really long time. She told him it was my birthday and he gave me a free drink and a free shot. We went to dance for a little bit and I came back to the bar for another drink. He started talking to me and then he asked if he could give me his number. He gave it to me on a napkin and I was in shock. This guy is way out of my league but I told him I would text him the next day.

We left and he walked me to the train station. He was telling me this story about how he found out his ex was cheating on him but he still believed in love. I told him my last relationship really fucked me up and I don't. The I told him I had to go and hopped onto the train. Then I took out my phone and texted the bartender. He told me he wanted to meet up soon. I said okay and finally got to sleep the next day on my day off.

I saw him at work the next day and he again was acting a little too clingy for me. I stayed distracted with work and my friends. While I was on the train, I wanted to text him, but i distracted myself by reading instead. The other one kept texting me but I just started ignoring his texts. Today he invited me to a play tomorrow night, but I told him I had plans. Then he texted me and I was a little shocked especially when he said he wanted to talk more, but it was of course when he asked me what I do. I think I need to start lying or not telling anyone I write for a music magazine. It's like once I say that, all of a sudden they are a producer, musician, or something similar and then I become interesting. Oh well, we'll see because I still just don't want to date.

I like having my fun with my friends and right now, that's the way I want to keep it.

us

Days keep flying by and I'm trying to snatch them up as quick as I can so I can remember where they are and who they belong to. I've been working non stop which will pay off this friday which is coincidently my birthday. Another birthday which doesn't go right. Because I will be in this big city alone. I'll have my friends at work because I work that day. But I wont have my family, my best friend, or my other friends. Everything with them either already happened or is waiting till after. So i've decided to treat myself to a movie after work and head home for my 2 days off after and live happily on my couch.

I'm not going to lie. Im a bummed/sad that im going to be alone on my birthday. But would it really be my birthday if it went right and I had everyone I love around me? What is it about my birthday that karma is like, "time to taketh away"? Oh well im used to it by now. What's really crazy is to think I was in London this time last year and how much everything has changed. It was then that I knew I was going to come to new York. I didn't know how yet I just knew I was.

They asked me today if I had a boyfriend because they all do. Im the only one who doesn't. They want to set me up if they can. I just don't want to. While the other ones look at me like im a tasty dessert. Too bad im not. Its not that im bitter. Just still really pissed off. Which just means im still hurt. And I have no idea why. My heart is no longer in love. My mind on the other hand has some issues. I present myself with all the facts and yet still find a way to think" yah, but..." which really needs to go. I know its been 6 months. But here I am thinking, does he even remember its going to be my birthday. Another foolish thought I trick myself into thinking.

Soon enough it will all be over and soon enough everything will turn around. My life is changing so quickly. Its even hard for me to keep up. But it all got slammed to a screeching halt last night when she told me they were living in a hotel in a place they know nothing about. I couldn't help but cry thinking about them like that and feeling so helpless because I would give anything to take them and change their lives. But I can't do anything. It might seem like I have options. But I don't. I keep trying to think of alternatives but they all have dead ends. I need a bulletproof soul.

I know im meant to be here based on the way things have been going. But I know im not there yet. I know there's more for me to find.

I guess I really did find the good in good bye.

Because love was always a gun to you.

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if you run

I'm still standing here, waiting for you, alone. And I still don't know why. Because you will never find me.

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abducted

He tore me apart because I really loved him.

My new job is a little tough to say the least but i'm starting to get a handle on it and my managers keep telling me i'm doing a good job. I'm going to try and do everything i can to make my way to the top and this first week was only the beginning. It's only a matter of time from this point. The hardest part of being here is looking for an apartment but hopefully if this week goes well I will have one by the end of the month. I have 2 apartments to go visit this week so hopefully all goes well.

We met up on the corner. I felt like i was in one of those movies. WE hadn't seen each other in 5 years. and there he was all of a sudden in front of me. WE practically ran to each other and gave a huge hug. The first words that came out of his mouth were, "You look exactly the same." and that kind of stuck to me. It wasn't the future plans to eat, party, and go sight seeing. It wasn't the future travel plans. It wasn't anything else. It was that one sentence right there. When I told him he said, "yah, because you look exactly the same to him, you remind him now of the way he felt about you back then. and because you look the same he now realizes those feelings are still the same." It made me think for a second because I don't want to date anyone right now. and I convinced myself that he doesn't have those feelings. It was so long ago and I had a boyfriend and nothing happened between us, except the expensive sneakers he got me that I wore all the time. She says she thinks he still has those feelings. and when they both agree, they're usually right. I don't know. I didn't go to see him on his birthday. Not because I didn't want to, but more because I was going into the city the next day for work and just didn't see how I could make it there and back in time. But i'm not really fretting over the whole thing and just kind of letting it play out. right now he's my friend that i've known for a long time now. and its nice to have someone who grew up in new york and knows the ins and outs that i have to hang out with. and on top of all that, i've always really liked hanging out with him. even though sometimes he can be a little full of himself, he's always been able to really make me laugh.

i really like my life here. I got to meet soem really great people this past thursday beside the nice people i've met at work. minus the guys that look at me like they're going to eat me for dessert. I covered this even for work and it was so much fun and like the stars aligned or something of the sort. we met and she was my photographer. a fellow californian with the heart of an angel, i swear. I felt so lucky to meet her who was more than willing to introduce me to all the people i need to be introduced to. and all i could think was this is the beginning of a great friendship for sure. Now I just need to get one of these apartments in the city and my life will be complete as of right now, until i push myself farther to something i really want.

my birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. well more like 12 days. kinda crazy. But the downside of moving here a month before my birthday is everyone will be gone. i'm literally going to be alone in the city for my birthday. my brother will be in california. my best friend in new mexico. my friend in new orleans. and my other friends in california. so here i am on the east coast and everyone is either going west or south. i'm a little sad about it because i literally have to be alone on my birthday. but it kind of makes sense. when have i ever had a birthday that went well? i think the closest i got was last year being in london with my best friend but even that one had some drama. I hope one day that changes.

you and i know

I plan to run away from you every time.

You will never catch me.

I can never be yours ever again.

You will never have me again.

We will never be an us.

falling hard

so my new life is pretty peaceful I have to say. Although I left home with some drama, I came to a whole new beginning here that for the most part has been very nurturing, exciting, and pretty damn peaceful and calm. I set myself out to handle the responsibilities that I have. and with my luck I was able to find a job, and a good one at that, within 3 days of living here. I would say that's pretty good only going into the city for one day looking for work. I really had left that morning thinking I wasn't going to get anything but I ended up finding a job tat suits me very well. It was pretty shocking but I was very determined and i'm still very determined to get more things done. this is only the beginning of course.

as for everything else that might come along with it, well i guess i'll find out about those things when they do. As for now, i really just want to take care of myself. I'm not looking for anything more than that. I don't want to be in a relationship right now or involved. I learned some valuable lessons in the last 6 months and I just don't believe in a relationship right now. maybe some day just not today. or in the near future. I'm just happy I've been blessed with so many positive aspects of this place and my life right now. It only further makes me believe that this was the right choice for me and that my life here will be something i always wanted.

she told me she believes that i will find someone one day that will ask me that one question and i will say yes and i will be married one of these days. she knows me better than i know myself so i'm sure she's right but i've been so discouraged on that outlook lately that i just don't see a point in it. but maybe some day. as for now though i'll just keep moving forward with my plans for myself and see where that takes me. another day another adventure in this city.

Day One

I know you still think about the times we had...

I landed and it didn't hit me. I was too busy thinking of getting to the shuttle to get to the train station to make the train in time. I looked out the window when I was in the shuttle and realized this is my home now. But it reminded me too much of LA for me to really feel it yet. Then I hurried to the get my ticket. Got on the train. Found my seat. Sat there for 45 minutes thinking, I need to say good bye. I need to message him and just say good bye. But I didn't. I didn't say anything. I didn't say anything. because neither did you.

I'm just sayin' you could do better. Tell me if you've heard that lately. I'm just sayin' you could do better. And i'll start hatin' only if you make me.

I still have my friends and i've been getting calls and texts non stop. It makes me feel good, and ready to get this life started. I have a game plan and i'm going to work towards it. Starting Wednesday I'm going to be working my way through the city to get what I can find. I just hope its all in the cards. Love wasn't for me right now and I get that. I understand that. I just wish you would've said good bye. No matter how much you think I hate you or how much i might actually very much dislike you. No matter how much you broke my heart. You know you still think about me sometimes. You know somewhere I still mean something to you. And after everything we've been through. You should have said something. Why didn't you say anything? fear? I guess that would make sense. IT would only mean you haven't changed at all. You still let the fear decide for you. And that makes me sad for you. And leaves you with regrets. Knowing you lost the chance.

Because now i'm so far gone.

the sweetest kill

I know its a disturbing video but I really like the song.

He told her. She warned me he would but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. She was right. I know it was bad and I shouldn't have but I can't take back what I did or the mind set I was in when it happened. A person full of heartbreak will do stupid things sometimes. I don't want to make excuses for it either. I just don't think its fair im the one that has to lose the friendship when he's the one that made the first move but he still gets to keep the friendship. it takes 2 to tango and if there has to be a consequence I think both parties should pay the price. But I guess not in this situation. I can say im sorry till my face turns blue and I will. I just hope it turns things around.

Tonight is my last night living in California. It pretty much sucked as a day as a whole. Im more than ready to leave now because of it but there are my friends im going to miss. I just feel like I really need to get out of here right now. There's too much of my broken heart here and I can't take it anymore. Im not running away from it I just think its better I leave it behind.

I wish you would've talked to me. He said he knew I wanted you to. He asked me why and I still don't know. I don't get it. I don't understand why I still love you. And I keep wishing it would stop. Im hoping that stays here too. Because I wont ever see you again when I get on that plane.

"And I thought you were the sweetest kill."

Good bye to my forever love, California. I'll keep you forever. But we both know this was something I had to do.

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best thing i never had

Friday was my going away party with my friends. it was incredible. i'm so happy to all those that came out and showed their love. It was definitely harder than i anticipated that day. I guess because i knew that would be the last time I saw some of those friends. Its kind of crazy to think of things that way but its true. But that didn't stop me from having the time of my life. The place was packed and everyone kept telling me 95% of the people were there for me. I felt so special and loved. On top of the fact that I was totally wasted. haha. It was an incredible night and I definitely won't forget any of it.

AT one point he took me outside and we talked about what needed to be said. It was heart breaking and it made me cry but I was vulnerable having been drunk. I told him the hardest part was that i couldn't understand why it mattered if i hated him, didn't want to talk to him, or didn't want to be his friend. He told me its because he still cares but i know that's a lie or things would be different right now. he asked me what it would change and i said nothing. then he asked why i'm upset. and i said...."because i still love him." I felt like i had smashed a plate on the floor and the tears started coming and he hugged me. I went back inside and it was like it never happened.

the next day I woke up still buzzed. I texted all those who i needed to. then i told him how sorry i was for the conversation and that i didn't know why i said any of that. but i think i just needed to let it out. because i felt better about it the next day. because nothing would change. because he hasn't changed. and i would just set myself up for failure with that one yet again. I told him i knew what i didn't want. and that i don't want him. for one reason. i don't trust him. and that's enough for me not to change my mind.

he said something to me i wasn't expecting. and when he did it made me realize i was going to really miss him. I didn't think i would but i consider him a friend now and when he told me i had left behind things for him to remember me by. the way he said it just made me smile. I know i'll see him again. or at least i hope i do. and even though i don't want anything more than what we've had. I just really like that we could still be friends.

Today I said good bye to most of my family. It was nice to have them around but with all the questions for some reason i started to feel a little pressure. until my uncle sat with me and said, "I've never worried about you." he told me he's seen me take care of myself my whole life and although it was hard it is why he isn't afraid for me. it was encouraging to hear to those words. because sometimes i really do feel scared and i'm nervous. but those things have never stopped me in the past and they won't stop me now. i'm going to do what i dream of doing. and right now that just means leaving a lot of things behind me.

these are the pages of my diary

i'm sitting down writing my good bye letters and i realize how hard it is to really say good bye to someone. ALthough most of these are see you laters more than farewells. But at the same time it is hard. and I'm realizing next week is next week and it's coming so close. I feel like i'm close to redemption when i could be in for the greatest fall of my life. and i would think i would be scared but i'm almost relieved. I always dreamed of a life outside of these walls and its so close i can feel it. I know there is happiness on the other side that i had only dreamed of.

I was driving home in traffic today. letting the music take my mind somewhere else from where i was. I realized that I always knew. I always knew we weren't going to make it. and it has me wondering why i'm still holding on to my feelings. i'm completely determined now more than ever to let them go. he says that once i leave i'll most likely leave all of it behind. i'm hoping he's right because that is exactly what i want. and i know once i take a step into my new life, i'll take a deep sigh of freedom from this pain. Because i've been hurting in this too long and its pretty much ridiculous at this point. i'm sure you think it is too. I can't keep wondering if you feel this like i feel it. because i keep thinking of just saying good bye to you but i can't. and i don't think i could. and yet, i'm still thinking, "What would he say to me if he could say something right now?"

I started my music blog the other day. I am actually really excited about it. i'm glad to even have one person that reads it but apparently there's more than one which is nice. you can check it out at thesebeats.tumblr.com. hopefully people like it. i'm trying to be diverse but i'm really just putting out what i hear of that day or something i just want to share with whoever wants to read it. music will always be my deepest love and its loved me just as long as i've been in love with it.

tomorrow is my going away party with my friends. i'm almost scared because i know its going to be a hard for me and even though i'll probably be drunk, i just don't know how i can handle knowing that will probably be the last time i see some of those people for a while and some forever. but i'm also very excited to have all my closest friends around me in the same room. What a night its going to be. time to get some sleep now so i can make it through tomorrow.

today i thought about you. tomorrow i won't.

ex-factor

It could all be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard. Loving you is like a battle, and we both end up with scars. Tell me, who I have to be to get some reciprocity. See no one loves you more than me. And no one ever will.

Is this just a silly game? That forces you to act this way. Forces you to scream my name. Then pretend that you can't stay. Tell me, who I have to be to get some reciprocity. See no one loves you more than me. And no one ever will.

No matter how i think we grow, you always seem to let me know it ain't workin'. it ain't workin'. it ain't workin'. And when i try to walk away, you'd hurt yourself to make me stay. this is crazy. this is crazy. this is crazy. this is crazy.

I keep letting you back in. how can i explain myself? as painful as this thing has been, i just can't be with no one else. See i know what we've got to do. you let go and i'll let go too. 'cause no one's hurt me more than you. and no one ever will

No matter how i think we grow. you always seem to let me know. it ain't workin'. it ain't workin'. it ain't workin'. it ain't workin'. and when i try to walk away, you'd hurt yourself to make me stay. this is crazy. this is crazy. this is crazy.

Care for me, Care for me. I know you care for me. there for me, there for me. said you'd be there for me. cry for me, cry for me. you said you'd die for me. give to me, give to me, why won't you live for me?

Care for me, care for me. you said you care for me. there for me, there for me. said you'd be there for me. give to me, give to me. why won't you live for me. cry for me cry for me. you said you'd die for me.

where were you when i needed you? where were you?

and by the time you get to this. you should see. you should know. that i still love you. you were my close friend. you were my heart. you were the other pea in this pod. to find yourself is one thing. i just wish you could've seen how much of yourself you were when you were next to me. sometimes i tear up just wanting to see that smile one more time. to hear that laugh. sometimes i cry at night just wishing you would get out of my head. but like she said, as painful as this thing has to be. i just can't be with no one else. but i know now. i know that you can't love me. you never could. and you never will. and eventually that will be why i got over you. that will be why i couldn't be with you. that will be why you could never have me anymore. and that will be why we can never be friends. i know now that you don't have what it takes to care for me. you couldn't show me when i was around and you never tried to show me when i was away. you haven't changed and you won't. a changed man would be on this doorstep telling me how much you actually genuinely care. but i haven't seen you. i haven't heard from you. i hear the hearsay and even that i don't believe because i really believe you don't give a damn. and every day that makes me let go of you a little more. until this love runs dry, i can't keep wishing you would know that i still love you. i can't be in your life because you never let me in. and the worst part about it all? i'm still here wishing we could just talk the way we used to. i'm such a fool. stupid love.

does waiting make us better people?

She had told me it woudn't be a good idea. and i knew it wouldn't. but that night when he grabbed my face and kissed me, i knew it was trouble. nothing serious. and i knew it shouldn't have happened. there were things and thoughts in my head that had me hesitating what i should do. but i couldn't help the attraction and although i really wish i could have. i just couldn't fight it.

he sent me the text to come over and have a drink and i asked if there was party. he said not really but people were coming over to hang out and have a few drinks. i told him i wouldn't be there till later and he asked me what time like he was going to be waiting for me to walk through the door when the clock struck 11. i was an hour late and had a hell of a time driving around and looking for a spot to park. finally i did and i wasn't prepared. the girls were dressed in heels and sexy clothes. i walked in with jeans and a garfield t-shirt with some flats. but the smile he gave me when he saw me walk through the door had me not caring i wasn't dressed cuter. because they were not okay when he went to get me a drink and posted up next to me on the couch for the rest of the night. i mingled with his friends and neighbors and it was so much fun. i got along with all of them. we made a late night adventure to a local bar and were just giggles all around. i was drinking beer and had no idea how i did it. we were talking like we usually do but i think we both know what was going on. we both were close. I felt a little excited because i never thought anything like this would be possible with him. it never crossed my mind until that night he told me he had crossed his more than a few times.

we walked back to his place in the rain. more jokes with his friends and then we decided to do something crazy. we walk through the wind and rain to the sand. make our way to the water. and break into a run into the water. laughing and freezing it was so exhilarating and exciting. we both couldn't believe it was happening but really happy it did. we went back to his place and cleaned up. laid down and talked. laughing. and really just having a good time. we teased each other until i turned over and then his hands were on my skin and i couldn't stop myself like i had planned to. his lips were just what i needed in that moment. and it didn't take much to get have us entangled in each other. i was surprised at what was going on. i didn't ever think these things would happen with him. and i don't regret the excitement of it. he cuddled with me after and we fell asleep in the comfort of the warmth.

i have no idea what i was thinking. but. there's no taking it back now. and i don't know if i would. she tells me i need to let him come to me. but time is running out. i think he knows that. he tries to appeal to me with tales of visiting me and moving to new york within the next 2 years. i don't put my hope in it because i know it sucks that i could see myself being with him and knowing i just can't. so i have to let it go. because...i just should. although i really really don't want to. i want his hands on my body one more time. but i'm not going to go there. daydreaming is dangerous.

catch me

Nicki Minaj Feat Swizz Beatz - Catch Me by A-Entertainment

I have given my all. funny how you can make me feel so small. catch me before i fall. my mind is made up. i'm waiting on you boy. my mind is set. i'm waiting on you. could you catch me? I am waiting on you to catch me.

I know they say the first love is the sweetest but that first cut is the deepest. I tried to keep us together but you were busy keeping secrets. Secrets you were telling everybody but me. don't be fooled by the money. i'm still young and unlucky. i'm surprised you couldn't tell. I was only trying to get ahead. but the spotlight makes you nervous. and you're looking for a purpose.

Maturity: the ability to accept those things which are uncertain.

she says i'll find my heart on the other side.

I guess i'm subject to everything being greener on the other side. and God i hope it is. because right now i'm getting hit with one blow after the other. but instead of it bringing me down as it naturally could. it just makes me more determined to get the hell out of here and make something amazing. making something out of nothing like i usually do.




you know its funny the speech he was giving. he was going on and on about how we sometimes go to sleep at night wondering if they're thinking about us and knowing how much they regret what they did. i want to agree but there's some falsity in that. i mean ya i used to go to sleep at night wondering if he still thinks about me. but i never thought he would ever think he regrets it. i mean ya i want to be the girl that says, "she isn't me. they're never going to be me." but i don't need to say what i already know is true. I just have to let it go and he's so right that i'm having conflicting arguments with myself. because i know how i still feel. i know i'm not over it. but when i finally said it out loud to him he said that was the beginning of me finally being able to get over it. and i hope he's right. i hope he's so right. because a part of me still wishes you were here. a part of me wishes i could have had that opportunity to really say good bye. but the most important part of me is still in love with you. which just makes me never want to see you again. because i know it's only going to bring more pain. and hasn't there been enough of that? haven't you hurt me enough? i mean what could possibly be said that isn't going to break me apart?

but then i'm sitting there talking to him and telling me, "i told him we have a hell of a time staying away from each other. and we usually just can't." and i know every time this bullshit happens, we go a little longer without seeing or speaking to each other. but why does this happen? he told me i need to stop asking these questions. this is why i'm so internally conflicted. i'm still in love with him, but hate him for what he did to me. or at least what he couldn't do for me. he says you don't know who you are. and that's why. that's why this happened. but you never left you. you are right there wherever you are in this moment. i wish you could just see that. because there was a guy there that i loved. so sincerely. for the first time. and i hate that i still write about you. i hate that you're still in my head. because it hurts so much that you're still in my heart. and WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GO AWAY?! DAMNIT!

because when it comes down to it. i want to hate you so bad but i just can't. i never really hated you at all. because i love you too fucking much. and not even like a crazy love. just something that was too real for me. and it stuck like a bad habit. and i don't know when you became this person. and i don't know how to get you to stop being this person. and i keep telling myself in less than 3 weeks none of it will matter anymore because i'll be 3000 miles away from you. like i don't already feel like i'm 3000 miles away from you. i guess it will just be a literally thing at that point. he tells me "you'll stop loving him when you find someone else you love more." i can't help but wondering how i can think that to be probable or possible at this point. i'm not drowning in it anymore. just totally immersed.



some day i'll be completely without you. how awful does that really seem? because it almost kills me. and i'm sitting here still convincing myself, that you couldn't care at all. and the ironic part of that is...you never proved me wrong. how tragic is unrequited love? i guess you only know when its taken you for such a hellish ride and still insists on asking why you hate it? I wish you weren't so threatened by the idea that i saw through your heart. this love wasn't such a dangerous thing. or at least it was never meant to be. here i was, the one that kept telling you not to be afraid and i should've been the one completely terrified.

i told her i have no idea what i would say. she told me to say nothing at all and just walk away. metaphorically, it holds the key. but emotionally, i haven't walked away. i'm still stuck in the box you put me in. and maybe he's right. maybe i'll find someone to love much more than i loved you. but God bless the day that happens, because i know i'll be a nervous wreck.



If this is taking the first step to really getting over it, can we skip to the end already?

i need an emo

baby please...

You want me to trust you. how can i trust you when i don't know the first thing about that...I just wanna love you baby don't wanna waste no time.

I kept feeling like everything was going wrong today. or at least that i was doing everything wrong today. until i realized i hadn't gotten sleep in that last 4 days. she helped me realize i just need to chill. luckily i have her around for those things because i tend to lose myself in my anger sometimes. and here i am still not sleeping. i guess there's always tomorrow.

we sat there and conversed for quite some time and i was happy that the subjects i just couldn't get myself to talk about didn't come up. i know there was probably a want to bring it up but i'm happy they didn't. it was nice to just sit there with them and catch up. but i knew there was a give away when he was asking me why i was keeping it a secret. but i informed him that i twas definitely not a secret. i don't care if everyone knows. i made the move pretty public for everyone to know about it but i knew why he was asking. and she agreed with me that he wanted to know for probably a particular reason. it should bother me but it doesn't. or i guess maybe not. i don't know.

We sat there talking about it and i could tell he had been wanting to say something about it. he told me what i knew but it was different finding out for sure. to know that he knows how i feel about him. i don't want to say i hate him because i think hate is too strong of a word. to know that he broke my heart, to know that i wouldn't talk to him. i just don't know what i would say. ironically i talked to her about that today. that i once knew what i would say but now i don't. i have no idea. but when we're sitting there and he says, "you still love him." and i can't even reply. every day i wake up and hope it hurts a little less and it does.

he told me i need to get off the bench and help myself get over it all and let go. but i don't know if i'm ready to get off that bench yet? i know i still love him and i really wish i didn't. because i know he doesn't care. i know it doesn't matter to him. and i don't it wouldn't change anything. she tells me guys that have committment issues like him never change. they always tend to commit to the same deranged habits. and i know she's right to an extent and when i really think about it, i know that i just can't trust him anymore. but why do i still wear him on my heart like a coat of arms? i don't find myself wondering anymore if he thinks of me. i think i've convinced myself of what i believe to be true. it might be a defense mecahnism but if it helps me to stop thinking baout him i will. i just wish it could get me to stop loving him. i wish my heart would go on vacation at least for a little while. but i think it will when i really start packing tomorrow. he tells me he still thinks things will work out between us. i sit there knowing that they won't. knowing that once i leave i'll never hear about him again. knowing that leaving just means i make it easier for the both of us to not even think about. knowing that when i leave...it really will be all over. because like she said, i already know he just won't try.

and somehow my heart is not supposed to break? i hope there is some magic that keeps it together.

and then sometimes it just hits you

There was this story he said he was trying to tell and the more i listened to this song the more i heard something i was all too familiar with. i'm living in this moment and he's defining it like its common and all i can think is, "killing me softly with his words. killing me softly." but i can't stop listening to it and i can't stop repeating it and its almost like a self destruct button i keep pressing over and over because the pain hurts so good. and then i go to sleep and wake up and forget all about it. because all night he's talking to me and i'm trying to figure out what his intentions are when he's playing it cool. but then he tells me that he was looking forward to seeing me the whole time he was at the party and there i was trying to look good so he would notice me. and he leaves just before i got there. the plan was messed up but he still sent me a message the next morning telling me all about it.

and while i'm sitting there wondering why it seems necessary for these guys i've known for so long to all of a sudden think now is there last chance to have something with me just because i'm leaving and i don't want it because it will change everything and that's not what i want to do when everything is going to change so much. i convince him that he should move to new york because he's someone i could see myself being with and although he's drunk because its his birthday he still gives me a hug and grabs my faith and kisses me as i'm leaving. i'm completely shocked as he does this in front of everyone at the party. and here i am hoping i could have just stayed with him but knowing i can't because here he was texting him all night telling him how stupid he was for the leaving the party before i got there. and yet i'm still totally unaware of where we stand and what to do and luckily for me i just don't care.

she keeps helping me with everything and i'm so grateful for everything she's done for me. and to have this set up get even better has me anticipating my departure even more. but the feeling i had when i bought that one way ticket was fear. it was this utter fear. something i don't feel very often. in fact, hardly ever. but i did. and then it instantly went away when she told me all the stuff she has set up for me and the people she has me meeting to help me with my start there.

life is constantly changing so fast and i'm glad i have her there to tell me i'm fine and that everythign i'm feeling is totally normal. and anyone in my position would do the same. because i know there's only so much i can do and i can just be who i am. i'm not obsessed with these circumstances that could make me look desperate because i'm not. and i don't need to have someone when i have my friends and everything i could want. and only heading to a place that i can imagine giving me everything i need.

if only you knew i never played love as a game with you and i was always playing for keeps. now this is all games and i don't want anything to do with it.

nevermind me

How many times will you let me change my mind?

Today was the day that would have been his 88th birthday. and i'm sitting there next to where he lays and i'm realizing that i became who he wanted me to be and still finding my way to the place he had hoped for me. and i'm happy to make him happy but crumbling inside because he isn't there to see me. to hug me and tell me i am doing the right thing. but she looks at me and tells me she knows this is the best thing for me. i watch her as she continues their rituals like he's still there waiting for her. i watch her go another year without him and i still can't believe its happened.



i told him it felt like my heart was broken and every time i tried to pick up the pieces they just kept falling out of my hands. he told me that he's seen me put so much together for myself. that i'm constantly taking care of all these parts in my life except my love life. that when it comes to my love life i just sit on the side lines and watch it happen to me. and although i'd love to get into an argument with him on this one and defend my honor. i can't because i know he's right. i mean i know i've dealth with a lot of guys that just couldn't handle what love with me would have been. but i can't keep thinking that sitting around and wondering about it is going to make it all better. because i couldn't understand why they wanted me to tell him i was leaving. and how would i even go about doing that? to do what? try to hurt him? to show him my life is moving on? he had me pinned against the wall when he said, "he chose not to be apart of your future, why let him know about it?" and i was confused up to that point. up to those words. that had me realizing he was right. when i told her she agreed. told me the best thing i could do was just leave it alone because no matter what, i don't want to hurt him. no matter how bad he broke my heart, i can't hurt him.

Nevermind me. i'll just cast shadows on your wall.

I find myself back to where i was. wondering why its so hard for people to see that you aren't hiding anything behind your words. that you are being completely and plainly honest. i said just some fun and apparently he took it as, lets be serious. um....i'm moving 3,000 miles away. you got jokes. so i'm letting it all go. letting all of it go. its so stupid. and yet the texts, the calls, the IMs, the messages, the emails never stop. and i wish it was june already.

i'm not sure what to do about it. he is such an interesting person that can take me to places i could only dream. but i don't know where our line is drawn and how to draw it if it isn't there. i think i defined it but i hate to put us in a weird position. sometimes i'm afraid of what i'm getting myself into but maybe it is as he said and we were just made to meet each other. i will find out soon enough i guess.



she stays true to who she is and continues to be the person she is. its disappointing. its sad. and its something i'm used to. she picks fights with me to make herself feel better. she takes away my birthday present which means good bye california birthday. and yet none of this is breaking me. because when i leave. that is it. none of this will matter anymore. and he tells me every day. and she tells me all the time. and its comforting. and it hits me that as of tomorrow i have 25 more days. and all i can think is, how sad it will be for them. to be alone and without anyone but each other. i guess that is a marriage. you can count me out.

love, i'm sorry. i'm sorry i can't love you anymore. i must have been dreaming. because i haven't dreamed of you for so long. i wish i could kiss the way you do and maybe you would see. apologies are so transparent in the mount of meaningless white lies. i hope one day you grow up or find me a grown up. so that we can make peace and be intertwined in a so much more sincere way. because day after day i move closer to my dreams. and every day my hopes take shape into reality. and what a shame it would be to not have you holding my hand. so love....maybe one day you'll see. finding you was always finding me.

how's it gonna be.

I wonder if there's gonna be anything that i miss. How's it gonna be when you don't know me?

I keep telling myself different things sometimes. like i'm trying to convince myself of thigns that aren't there. he keeps telling me things because he wants me to come at him a certain way. but he doesn't know i've been there. i know how that game goes. i've been played before in the same way. and i only need to have my heart broken that one time to learn my lesson. because i wish every day that i could stop missing him. every day. i wish it didn't mean anything. every time i think to myself that i don't love him. how could i? knowing good and damn well my heart still feels it. and knowing that every day it falls away a little more. every day i fall out of love with you. and i hope that the end would come so much sooner. when i'm out of sight of guys like this.

because he wanted to come. he wanted me to be there and i told him i would and never showed up. it was a mean thing to do but i wouldn't have made it anyways. i played the same game as him but he called me the "flake". I could have said a lot more. but didn't. because it doesn't matter to me anymore.

erase and rewind 'cause i've been changing my mind.

and then the countdown begins wednesday. 30 days to new york. today i really started packing. i thought it would be depressing but it was more refreshing. because i realized i'm so ready to get out of here. i need something different. we were sitting there watching it all unfold. at first i was upset because it was totally different but then realized that's what i needed. a change. and i know i'm about to get a huge culture shock soon. but i think one i'm ready for. i'm excited to start something different somewhere completely different. i've been able to finish some unfinished business lately. which has me feeling like almost everything is complete. he tells me i want to make something i am leaving behind. because in all actuality i'm not really leaving anything behind. but i don't know how much of that is true. i can name a few things i'm leaving behind that suck. i think he forgets sometimes just how much my heart was broken. and all these stupid guys that come around that excite me for a minute and then i get over. has me back to the way i used to be. which i guess can be good because i know that i am still capable of it and that i just don't fall for every one. because i really don't. i'm over these little romances in like a week and i don't want to talk to them anymore. not to say they aren't bad people. just not worth it to me. i told her i'm better off by myself. and she thinks that will only last till i get there.

what a hell of a way to jump off the edge.

out of sight, out of mind

i didn't know what i was doing. but the i got the answers, it was like something might have clicked. I should have sent him that message and i shouldn't have probably done anything at all. but then he responded. I told him the truth behind my actions. how i was packing stuff and found the things he had given me while we were together. and i just wanted to tell him thank you. to show a little appreciation for the things he had done for me. because he was a great guy. a great boyfriend. and the one who really loved me. he just wasn't the one for me. which is hard to understand from all of that. but we just didn't speak the same language. it was like i was an alien on his planet and he just didn't try to understand me. he told me he did all of those things because i am a great girl. and then i realized this happened because here i was thinking this guy hated me for breaking his heart. but he was humble. and sweet to say those things to me. and i know we can't be friends but to know he said those things and we could really end things that way made me feel like the whole thing was even more resolved than before.

then the second one came. when i had to ask him a question. and not so much a question but more like a favor. things had stopped so suddenly with us i wasn't sure if i was over stepping but just wanted to take the chance. he too told me i was someone he would always remember. and in a sense of happiness. Which made me feel good that we could still be on talking terms in such a casual way after everything. and i started realizing again it was the same kind of situation. not to say all of these circumstances will turn around like this because there are some i hope to never turn to. I just like that there were at least some that could be set to the right light enough to let it go and move on.

"I was wrong. You were right." "Boy, i'm over you. I got nothing to say."

and then i'm finding myself in the same old spot in other places. he acts of interest and then the moments of opportunity arise and he's out like i'm that chick. like i'm that girl who's going to bite onto the idea that i have to chase when he backs off. but he doesn't know. i only did that for one person. one person i actually cared about. and i swear on my common sense i'm never doing that ever again. I learned my lesson once and i don't have time for those games. I told him i only have 30 days. so if he wants to get up to this and get to know me. knows the time. take advantage of the time available. so ignoring him isn't anything that takes any skin off my back. in fact i'm ready to let it go. because those other ones could have told you that you missed out. in fact i'm more than positive they did let you know i was down. ready to chill and just have some fun. its the funny the way guys say one thing out their neck sometimes and get what they ask for and then finally speak the truth from their actions. whatever.

i'm not trying to get caught up in the sad realizations of boys who aren't quite men. because when it comes down to it, those guys who told me the truth. who were the previous guys i was talking about. who could have given a shit about anything i had to say, are older. and know its better to keep things real instead of dealing with fake games that aren't going to get anybody anywhere. so that we can still be cordial and its perfectly fine.

and yet i'm still hopeful. she said i should know by now that i'm something worth loving when the hearts i've broken still tell me i'm a great girl. that even at my worst i'm still someone worth caring about. fiction is the predecessor to fact. I really hpe i'm not crazy for thinking love is still a tangible fact that i can still attain through all this fiction that keeps getting in my way.

love, won't you love you me?

when i reminisce over you...my God.

i don't know what i'm thinking. but i find myself smiling and laughing. and feeling like i have some kind of school girl crush. its too funny. but i'm trying to keep it all at arms length because really...i don't want it. i'd rather not have it. i need to focus back on what's real and that hit me today. they told me i had missed the summer window but asked me to apply for the fall. i'm hoping its because they like what they saw with my sample works. working for them would be a lot of fun for sure and open a few more windows for me. so i'll give it another shot and hope for the best. make sure i get myself somewhere where i can get something solid. and this was not exactly a no just a come back later. so that keeps me hopeful. and i have to ask him later about the bigger stuff which has me super nervous but he does kind of owe me. not really. but kind of.

tomorrow i have to keep going through all of this crazy. its just intense to me to know that this is happening. and its coming so close. i'm almost at 30 days. after next week i'll be there. and i'm under a lot of stress at the same time. but i know i can do this. i still want this more than anything and i'm going to make it. its kind of funny because i keep reading these things about people visualizing these goals for themselves and having a higher percentage of achieving what they want because of these visualizations. i do that all the time. at least i find myself doing it all the time. i hope its true in that case.

i know what he's trying to do with the dinner and its sad but kind of a relief at the same time. it means he hasn't changed at all. he still intends to do what he always does. and although he tries to mask it with an attempted effort. its not. i know exactly what it is. and its just another thing to hold over my head if i ever doubt his parental capabilities. i told her if it wasn't for her parents, i wouldn't have the parental support i really needed. i'm grateful for them every day and i plan on repaying them for everything they've done for me one of these days. i don't know where i would be at this point without them.

hope is a funny thing that can get me stuck in some places but i keep having this utter hope and faith in something bigger than myself. i don't need to be saved. or at least i don't feel like i need to be. i was explaining to her not to be afraid of getting hurt because we can't know joy and love without the pain and the hurt. i was talking and realized i was talking to myself. not that i'm afraid of getting hurt. i've already been hurt enough to not be afraid of it anymore. but i think its more of an anger. its like this undertone of anger under my breath when i let myself think about love. i know its because of feelings i let myself have this last time. i'm so used to keeping that all in check. but i just couldn't. i know it was for my own good but when the dust settled, i was angry. i know that goes hand and hand with the hurt. now the indifference is starting to settle in. and i know that's supposed to happen. but for the longest time i didn't let that happen and i couldn't and i didn't know if i wanted it to. i still don't know if i want it to. that sincere feeling i had for him was so real. it hurts to let it stay and it hurts to let it go. so here i am, saying hello and goodbye to the hurt all at the very same time. and i thought it would bother me to know he moved on and didn't care about me anymore. but it didn't. and i think its because of him. i knew he was waiting to see me 2 days after and i was nervous and excited to see him. and now he stays in my days and he keeps my mind somewhere else than the hurt. and for now i'm grateful. he was the exact dose i needed to heal this pain.

i almost regret telling him the way i felt. telling him that i wish i had a real good bye then the one i mindless involved myself in. i didn't know what i was saying or what i was doing when i said good bye. i went instantly numb after the first sentence he said to me that i hardly knew where i was or what i was saying. so i walked away. and left without a fuss. and soon after find out i'm moving 3000 miles away and never really getting to say good bye the way i wish i could've. and tell him that of all people might not have been the smartest thing to do but there's no taking back now. just living with what i've done and its bearable enough that i think i'm okay. i know i won't get my good bye and that's what i need to tell myself.

don't play no game that i can't win.

back in the thick of it. how do i keep getting myself back here? i need to chill and i thnk today i might have finally done that. and tomorrow i'll be even closer. it was all nice and we had a good time. he picked me up and i liked his car. i was a little unimpressed with his suggestions but hey, he's a guys guy. whatever. the dinner was still nice and he was definitely a gentleman. we joked, we laughed. like i said i had a good time. we left and tried to get dessert somewhere else but the wait was intense. but it was okay because we got more time to talk and it came naturally. the conversations were fun and i started finding myself actually really liking the guy.

and then i had to step back. like 10 steps back. because there were 3 rule breakers i found and when i told her she told me i was right. but it still makes me want it more. and i need to stop because we both know i'm leaving and this isn't anything serious. so he dropped me off. ended the date with a memorable last line i swear i'll never forget. and i went on my way. but then he told me he had a good time and he wanted to hang out with me. and again for that matter. and then i found myself stepping forward again. so i let it go the next day. followed the standard rules and lost hope until 10 came around and i had the girls in my car. she was sitting next to me bringing him up and at the moment she said his name there he was on my phone like he waited for the right moment and i felt my heart jump a little. but then drop again when i couldn't read him. the next day came and nothing until i made the mistake and again another pass. and i couldn't read him. so i did how i do and just said "forget it" which actually came out of my mouth as a "fuck it".

but then he comes in again and i can't help myself. and what does it matter if its just for fun? what does it matter when it has an expiration date? i just want to get to the fun stuff. i get the gentleman stuff and i appreciate it definitely and i like hanging around him and i think that's really the fun stuff i just want to hang out more and have that fun stuff more often. i think that's it. because it really is...fun. because when he i tell him i know i'm quirky and he says its cute. i just want to be around him all the time. it sounds stupid and girlie. that i just want to be around him because he gave me a compliment. but that's not it at all. its because i just like being around him. and i'm ok with it having an expiration date. its just perfect that way.

...and i wonder

it was incredible from beginning to end. it had its up and downs but when it all came down to it, coachella was an amazing weekend. i saw more acts this year than i got to see last year. and some performers had be realizing things about myself. nothing more than kanye though. mumford and sons definitely were a very very close second. but he got me when he performed certain songs. and i realized how much i really am better all by my damn self. i know tha tmight sound the way it sounds but it was real. i realized what i was doing with my life and i felt so humbled. the whole weekend had me feeling humble because i had people telling me they read my articles. i was watching bands perform that i interviewed. i started realizing how incredible things are right now and how hard i worked to get where i've gotten and now i have 50 days and i'll be in the hardest city to make it and although its intimidating, i'm so ready to go play with the sharks. i'm ready to go. i just need to go so i can touch the sky.

bittersweet you're gonna be the death of me. i don't need you but i want you. i love you and hate you all at the very same time.

I know i was mad at first. and i told him all about it today. he told me he understood but it still is something i need to let go. i told him i knew how i sounded but it hit me that i never had that person i ever went back and forth with and most girls come across that kind of relationship when they're like 15 or 16. i got mine when i was 22. i never went through something like that. all my relationships were long and there was no breaking up and getting back together. i've never told someone i loved that i never wanted to see them or talk to them again. and i've never had to go through any of that. and its so bittersweet. because she's sitting there across form me telling me she knows i would never take him back. and i'm sitting there wondering if that's true. what's wrong with me? i'm finally starting to get over the anger. i guess i'm going through my steps and he says he's just happy i'm going through it than not getting over it at all and not going through the motions to do so. but i am. its just i can't stop thinking about how i didn't know the last good bye was really the last good bye. do i sound crazy? because it sounds crazy to me, and i don't know why i'm thinking like that. but i am. because i didn't know i was going to be moving 3000 miles away and they always ask me why it matters. and i know it shouldn't. but it does. there was something about us that stuck to me and to know its really being left behind is whats the hardest part for me to swallow. it didn't seem real until everything else started to unfold. and it really was the last time i'd see him. those were really the last words i said to him and they can't be changed because soon enough i'm going to be on the other side of the states and that will be that. and i still think about saying that last thing. leaving it behind in a note. so i don't feel like i regret anything i said. but i don't. i don't regret anything i said. i just didn't know that was it. i didn't know that was really the last thing i would ever say to you.

and i wonder if you know what it means, what it means, to find your dreams.

I keep finding myself tripping into these situations. i try to walk away and find that i'm still standing in the same place but i keep it real. they still know what's up. its not like i hide it at all or any of my friends for that matter. i saw him and knew he looked familiar. i had to keep looking up and my neck hurt after a while. its hard when you're 5'2" and that dude trying to talk to you is 6'6" but it makes sense when he was a professional basketball player in europe. he impresses me with his travels, his multiple languages, his degree, and his all around personality. i didn't think i would hear from him after that night until i got the friend request. and then the messages started and i just couldn't help myself. and although it might be easy to question how i go from talking about how i'm still affected by someone else and then go talking about these other guys that keep going in and out of my life right now. but what you don't understand is that i don't take any of them serious. and to be quite honest, i really don't want to. nor do i have to. he sat there next to me on the grass and looked at me and said he knew he had ruined it for all the next guys trying to talk to me. i don't know how much of that is true. i think tis more of the fact that i'm leaving that i just don't care. that i don't find myself taking anyone serious right now. i'd rather just get there and focus on my career and myself and let all this go. i'm going to see him saturday and whatever happens, is what's going to happen. at least i could make a new friend. like i keep saying i don't even want to get close enough to smell a potential relationship right now or any time soon.



i hadn't heard from him in a while but it was nice to get back in touch and to know he's going to be there when i move. to know i got someone with the same kind of steeze as me to show me around and introduce me to things i probably wouldn't have known otherwise. i am very lucky to be blessed with people like this in my life because i know i get to go over there and have both friends and family to support me. this is just a new chapter which is super cliche' to say. but thank God i'm an optimistic person because i'm ready and i'm not scared. i thought i would have some kind of hesitation but i don't. and i never did. which i hope is a good sign. i know my head is in the right place but sometimes i think he might be right that i'm trying to be making something more in my head so i feel like i'm leaving something. but i know everything will change when i leave. i'm not expecting anything to stay the same. i just hope that i can handle all the change and make it all for the better. he tells me its okay if it happens out there. and i know it is. i'm not against the idea. i just don't think i'm ready for it yet. and he says i'm right but that i can't just shut myself off. they tell me it was never me. but if i have to hear that one more time i think i'm going to scream.



i know it was never me. i know there were other issues for him that were outside of me and probably outside of himself. and although that might have me weary of even wanting to let myself be in anything else. i need to do more with myself before i can give my all to someone else. i tried that and it bit me in the butt. and no matter how much people say it wasn't me. it kind of was. because i should have walked away long before i ever actually did. i could have prevented so much of this if i had just never said anything. if i had just let it all go. but i didn't. and so i am a little responsible. not for the ending but for the way it dragged on. the fact that i let myself go through all of that. i never cared about anyone like that before so i guess i proved something to myself but i really wish i would have just let the lesson go. and yet here i am. sitting and typing about it because when he asked me why it matters when we were sitting there, all i could think in the back of my head was, "because there's still this love for him deep in the pit of my heart. and it scares me so much." but i'll be damned if i really admit that to anyone.