you and i know

I plan to run away from you every time.

You will never catch me.

I can never be yours ever again.

You will never have me again.

We will never be an us.

falling hard

so my new life is pretty peaceful I have to say. Although I left home with some drama, I came to a whole new beginning here that for the most part has been very nurturing, exciting, and pretty damn peaceful and calm. I set myself out to handle the responsibilities that I have. and with my luck I was able to find a job, and a good one at that, within 3 days of living here. I would say that's pretty good only going into the city for one day looking for work. I really had left that morning thinking I wasn't going to get anything but I ended up finding a job tat suits me very well. It was pretty shocking but I was very determined and i'm still very determined to get more things done. this is only the beginning of course.

as for everything else that might come along with it, well i guess i'll find out about those things when they do. As for now, i really just want to take care of myself. I'm not looking for anything more than that. I don't want to be in a relationship right now or involved. I learned some valuable lessons in the last 6 months and I just don't believe in a relationship right now. maybe some day just not today. or in the near future. I'm just happy I've been blessed with so many positive aspects of this place and my life right now. It only further makes me believe that this was the right choice for me and that my life here will be something i always wanted.

she told me she believes that i will find someone one day that will ask me that one question and i will say yes and i will be married one of these days. she knows me better than i know myself so i'm sure she's right but i've been so discouraged on that outlook lately that i just don't see a point in it. but maybe some day. as for now though i'll just keep moving forward with my plans for myself and see where that takes me. another day another adventure in this city.

Day One

I know you still think about the times we had...

I landed and it didn't hit me. I was too busy thinking of getting to the shuttle to get to the train station to make the train in time. I looked out the window when I was in the shuttle and realized this is my home now. But it reminded me too much of LA for me to really feel it yet. Then I hurried to the get my ticket. Got on the train. Found my seat. Sat there for 45 minutes thinking, I need to say good bye. I need to message him and just say good bye. But I didn't. I didn't say anything. I didn't say anything. because neither did you.

I'm just sayin' you could do better. Tell me if you've heard that lately. I'm just sayin' you could do better. And i'll start hatin' only if you make me.

I still have my friends and i've been getting calls and texts non stop. It makes me feel good, and ready to get this life started. I have a game plan and i'm going to work towards it. Starting Wednesday I'm going to be working my way through the city to get what I can find. I just hope its all in the cards. Love wasn't for me right now and I get that. I understand that. I just wish you would've said good bye. No matter how much you think I hate you or how much i might actually very much dislike you. No matter how much you broke my heart. You know you still think about me sometimes. You know somewhere I still mean something to you. And after everything we've been through. You should have said something. Why didn't you say anything? fear? I guess that would make sense. IT would only mean you haven't changed at all. You still let the fear decide for you. And that makes me sad for you. And leaves you with regrets. Knowing you lost the chance.

Because now i'm so far gone.

the sweetest kill

I know its a disturbing video but I really like the song.

He told her. She warned me he would but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. She was right. I know it was bad and I shouldn't have but I can't take back what I did or the mind set I was in when it happened. A person full of heartbreak will do stupid things sometimes. I don't want to make excuses for it either. I just don't think its fair im the one that has to lose the friendship when he's the one that made the first move but he still gets to keep the friendship. it takes 2 to tango and if there has to be a consequence I think both parties should pay the price. But I guess not in this situation. I can say im sorry till my face turns blue and I will. I just hope it turns things around.

Tonight is my last night living in California. It pretty much sucked as a day as a whole. Im more than ready to leave now because of it but there are my friends im going to miss. I just feel like I really need to get out of here right now. There's too much of my broken heart here and I can't take it anymore. Im not running away from it I just think its better I leave it behind.

I wish you would've talked to me. He said he knew I wanted you to. He asked me why and I still don't know. I don't get it. I don't understand why I still love you. And I keep wishing it would stop. Im hoping that stays here too. Because I wont ever see you again when I get on that plane.

"And I thought you were the sweetest kill."

Good bye to my forever love, California. I'll keep you forever. But we both know this was something I had to do.

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best thing i never had

Friday was my going away party with my friends. it was incredible. i'm so happy to all those that came out and showed their love. It was definitely harder than i anticipated that day. I guess because i knew that would be the last time I saw some of those friends. Its kind of crazy to think of things that way but its true. But that didn't stop me from having the time of my life. The place was packed and everyone kept telling me 95% of the people were there for me. I felt so special and loved. On top of the fact that I was totally wasted. haha. It was an incredible night and I definitely won't forget any of it.

AT one point he took me outside and we talked about what needed to be said. It was heart breaking and it made me cry but I was vulnerable having been drunk. I told him the hardest part was that i couldn't understand why it mattered if i hated him, didn't want to talk to him, or didn't want to be his friend. He told me its because he still cares but i know that's a lie or things would be different right now. he asked me what it would change and i said nothing. then he asked why i'm upset. and i said...."because i still love him." I felt like i had smashed a plate on the floor and the tears started coming and he hugged me. I went back inside and it was like it never happened.

the next day I woke up still buzzed. I texted all those who i needed to. then i told him how sorry i was for the conversation and that i didn't know why i said any of that. but i think i just needed to let it out. because i felt better about it the next day. because nothing would change. because he hasn't changed. and i would just set myself up for failure with that one yet again. I told him i knew what i didn't want. and that i don't want him. for one reason. i don't trust him. and that's enough for me not to change my mind.

he said something to me i wasn't expecting. and when he did it made me realize i was going to really miss him. I didn't think i would but i consider him a friend now and when he told me i had left behind things for him to remember me by. the way he said it just made me smile. I know i'll see him again. or at least i hope i do. and even though i don't want anything more than what we've had. I just really like that we could still be friends.

Today I said good bye to most of my family. It was nice to have them around but with all the questions for some reason i started to feel a little pressure. until my uncle sat with me and said, "I've never worried about you." he told me he's seen me take care of myself my whole life and although it was hard it is why he isn't afraid for me. it was encouraging to hear to those words. because sometimes i really do feel scared and i'm nervous. but those things have never stopped me in the past and they won't stop me now. i'm going to do what i dream of doing. and right now that just means leaving a lot of things behind me.

these are the pages of my diary

i'm sitting down writing my good bye letters and i realize how hard it is to really say good bye to someone. ALthough most of these are see you laters more than farewells. But at the same time it is hard. and I'm realizing next week is next week and it's coming so close. I feel like i'm close to redemption when i could be in for the greatest fall of my life. and i would think i would be scared but i'm almost relieved. I always dreamed of a life outside of these walls and its so close i can feel it. I know there is happiness on the other side that i had only dreamed of.

I was driving home in traffic today. letting the music take my mind somewhere else from where i was. I realized that I always knew. I always knew we weren't going to make it. and it has me wondering why i'm still holding on to my feelings. i'm completely determined now more than ever to let them go. he says that once i leave i'll most likely leave all of it behind. i'm hoping he's right because that is exactly what i want. and i know once i take a step into my new life, i'll take a deep sigh of freedom from this pain. Because i've been hurting in this too long and its pretty much ridiculous at this point. i'm sure you think it is too. I can't keep wondering if you feel this like i feel it. because i keep thinking of just saying good bye to you but i can't. and i don't think i could. and yet, i'm still thinking, "What would he say to me if he could say something right now?"

I started my music blog the other day. I am actually really excited about it. i'm glad to even have one person that reads it but apparently there's more than one which is nice. you can check it out at thesebeats.tumblr.com. hopefully people like it. i'm trying to be diverse but i'm really just putting out what i hear of that day or something i just want to share with whoever wants to read it. music will always be my deepest love and its loved me just as long as i've been in love with it.

tomorrow is my going away party with my friends. i'm almost scared because i know its going to be a hard for me and even though i'll probably be drunk, i just don't know how i can handle knowing that will probably be the last time i see some of those people for a while and some forever. but i'm also very excited to have all my closest friends around me in the same room. What a night its going to be. time to get some sleep now so i can make it through tomorrow.

today i thought about you. tomorrow i won't.