Bated on the moments

If will you have me I'll make you happy Need someone to whom I can belong Here's my confession Saving it special Hoped it would be you all along All along

I freaked out. I don't know why. I started losing my sense of control. I was freaking out and nothing was happening and i wish i could explain it. I realized I have to sto talking to you about these things. I need to be more mature in my reactions. I need to stop letting the fear take over like its more imporant that your love. It never was.
I'm going to make some changes. I can start with my baby steps and I have. But I need to be able to ask you for help. I'm going to need to be able to know I can trust you. My heart knows what it wants. i want you. and somewhere deep in your heart i'm there. because you know you want me. No matter how cocky that might sound its the truth. its there in you and I keep pushing you back further aways from me. But that all stops now.
Not to say that its going to stop immediately, but to say that I'm going to work on making it stop completely. Becuase I don't want to lose you. You are my best friend. You are there for me. And i need to start treating you as such. You are not the bade of my emotional existance in this relationship. I need to let all of that go. My fear and insecurities got so much bigger than me. Because emotions are not easy for me. From all the past pain. But i'm working on that. and i'm going to continue to go throught his healing process.
for you i'm just going to be me. i'm going to love you with all i have to give and be the woman you fell in love with. I'm going ot get out of my head and just be us. just love you unconditionally. and let that just be that. because that's all i can do and hope that love is enough.

Bet

That moment when you've literally been applying every day and nothing seems to be working. nothing seems to be giving. you get a glimmer of hope and then you think "maybe this time something will change" but then it doesn't for one reason or another. I feel so tired. So rejected. So exhausted. My mind, heart, and just being can't seem to take the constant rejection, every day for months on end. Then I come home and sometimes there's even more rejection. Not to say that its there all the time, but sometimes I make rejection the whole of all my problems. He can't talk abou this love...rejection. He can't be intimate with me....rejection. He can't consider our future...rejection. Four job rejection emails today....rejection. Your resume is "too junior" (even though I have over 5 years of experience)...rejection. I am not the father that's going to say i'm sorry or tell you i'm proud of you...rejection. There's so much rejection that I am constantly having to fight against. Maybe the key is to just stop fighting. I have happy moments in my life. Don't be confused about that. I get sick and he's there. even when I don't think he will be. A part of me is sad that I don't expect him to show up or that I expect him to say mean things. But he doesn't do that when i need him and there is an acceptance there. I am just having a hard time right now. I have a way of focusing on the bad without realizing, I started my own business. That is actually doing well. I have a man that takes care of me when i'm sick and looking my worst. Who still tells me he loves me every day before he goes to sleep. I am a better parent to my kids than my parents could have ever been to me. I am trying constantly trying and I have accomplished more than i'll ever give myself credit for because it still isn't enough. I guess I can't expect to be enough for him when i'm not enough for myself. But then i'm only saying this because I just got a very disappointing email about an opportunity I thought i was a sure fit for. I know you can never be too sure but its nice to dream from time to time. That maybe this time. just maybe this time... He will see me.

Don't walk away

He doesn't realize it's not the end of the world It doesn't have to be that bad She tried to explain, "It's you that makes me happy," Whatever, whatever, whatever Whatever happens, don't let go of my hand

You know when they say you don't know what you've got till its gone? I've come to realize what I have when it was almost really gone. Now, I would do anything to keep it. A part of me still fears you'd rather be gone. But I don't want you to go anywhere. you know when you're in that space of wanting to keep someone but not wanting to make them feel they have to stay if they don't want to? I am almost overwhelmed with just how much I love him. I know that sounds kinda crazy, but its true. It was literally like overnight I fell in love with im all over again. I wish I could make him feel the same way. That the possibility of losing me was something he would do anything to prevent. But I think when that possibility presented itself this time he wasa already getting ready for it. It was a little heartbreaking when he said he feared more of being the bad guy than losing me. I had always believed he had a fear of losing me. It made me hold on in the times that I didn't think I could. I made myself believe that he cared for me so much that he was afraid of seeing me go. Knowing that what i believed isn't the truth was a hard pill to swallow. I'm literally listening to "Man in the Mirror" and listening to the lyric when he sings he is looking in the mirror and making a change. I need to make a change. super cliche i know but really its true. I need to stop worrying about the things that I can't change. I keep tellhim to just love me but i need to just love him. I'm afraid of loving him too much but why? What is the harm in loving someone? i mean ya i could get my heart completely broken, as i have experienced in the past. but its that exact heart break that got me to love him as much as i do now. I know that i have something good because i've had really really bad. At the end of the day, and no matter how much of a bad guy he thinks he is (which he absolutely isn't, because everything he is feeling is valid), I love this man. This is the man I can see myself spending my life with and who I want to spend my life with. He might not have realized this for himself yet because I put his mind in the opposite direction, but I will do everything I can and everything i need to so that he knows, i'm here to stay. He doesn't have to prepare for the end because I love him with all his faults with all his good sides, because he takes care of me, and he loves me. I know he loves me and cares for me. I am not dissillusioned and I am not naive. And regardless if there is a possibility that I am, I will never regret that love I have given him and the love I still have to give. Do you remember the time when we fell in love? He has been there by my side through much more than anyone was willing, and I have supported all of the decisions he's made for his life. I will continue to support him and love him for who he is. I mad the mistake of not seeing that before and he made the mistake of giving up. Now its time to get back to who we are and who we are to each other. Because fate had us there at the right time at the right place and I don't wnat to give up. I just don't.

When it becomes something real

and somewhere in the midst of it you start losing who you are. I remember the day he told me I was a lionness before I had met him. And something about him changed me. Ever since then, I had always wanted to get back to that lioness I was and always looking out to see if I had lost her. My stomach is losing its cool right now as I think about how far it got. How much I'm not ready for anything like that. Every time in the past, I was ready for it. Not to say I was happy about it, but I was just emotionally and mentally ready for it to be over. But this. This I was far from ready for. I know I pushed and I realized the next day when he told me to shut the fuck up that I had pushed you too far. I know I'm afraid. and i know when i get scared I test you. I test you too much. I know there's a love there. I do. I know it. But...I need to stop finding the "but". You love me. I love you. That's it. I just want us to love each other. That's it. That's all I really want. I know if we just do that, we'll both end up getting what we want. We will both end up getting what we need. At the moment a part of me, a big part of me, still thinks you're ready to leave. You're already out the door and i put you there. Because of something I said out of frustration. I know I can apologize a million times, but I don't know if that's enough for you. I want to shower you with my love, but I don't know if i'm smothering you. I want to do everything I possibly can to show you you're everything I want, but I don't want to scare you. and there it is. That constant fear. That has me wondering, how did I get here? Can you forgive me? Can you see that I can be enough for you? I can be everything? Is that enough for you? Somewhere in your heart, do you still love me the way you did that night we were sitting in the silence of the fountain? Do you think of me? Do you miss me? The fear is like choking on my words. I don't want to say everything. I don't wany ask all these questions. and its not because you haven't shown me you care. It's because I don't know how far I take it. and i'm constantly afraid of giving too much of myself. giving too much away because what if its too much for you? but then again, I think i've already been too much for you. Obviously, this is a two way street and i'm not the only one with two much pent up issues. But where does the healing begin? where can i start? I want to talk to you but i'm afraid of overwhelming you. I need to start somewhere. because the last thing i want is to lose you. and when I think about where we were and where we've come, I think of how much better things have gotten. we are happier more times than we are angry or sad, but maybe that's what it is. maybe that's what scares me the most. For the first time, could i really have all the happiness and love i need in one person? and how do I keep it and have you wanting me just as much as I want you? I guess he was always right, Never play with something you should cherish for life. Cherish me.

In the depths of it all

I know what the problem is. I know where it all is. I can hear it in the words i sometimes relive just to understand. The sound of every one of his syllables in my ear and it breaks my heart every time. I understand now just how deep those were went under my skin which is why now i can understand how i hold responsibility for the way i question everything. for the way i wonder if i can spend the rest of my life like this and the way you respond "that's up to you" as if you just don't care only worsens my doubts. i want to believe in you. i really do, but i just don't. and i know i just can't talk about it anymore. she said i want a roller coaster not a merry go round. but somewhere this has turned into a merry go round. i have a history of accepting the emotionally unavailable. why? i have no idea. I can only assume what it means but then that would just lead me further down the rabbit hole. for now i can only hope that i get it together. together enough to know when i need to leave you. right now i just can't because i still love you and i feel like things are not all that bad. that we argue over stupid things but mostly because i'm trying to get some emotion out of you. she knows better than i do just how emotionless you are and she only tries to give me hope telling me that she knows you love me. i know that too. i just don't know how deep that goes or if it even goes beyond the surface. am i foolish for being here next to you? am i going to be just like them hoping just for the words to make it all worth everything? but he says it to her. he shows it to her. and sometimes in the very time that i don't expect it at all, you show up with the love you have. and maybe i don't need to get it all the time because i won't appreciate it as much, but for some reason right now, the way things aren't isn't going to make me happy. because i'm not entirely happy. and its naive to think i can be. but the fact that progress isn't even on your radar. is this how its always going to be? is this how you're always going to see us? just because you have gotten comfortable in the way things are right now you have no intent on progressing anything? i won't stand for it. and i won't put up with it. it isn't fair and you know it. just as well as i do. and then i'm caught up in the space between to force and to let you just do it on your own. but i already know you never will. and i think you do too. that you're never going to move unless i do. that you're never going to give unless i do. you mimic every step, every word, every gesture because you don't know how to do it on your own. or you just don't care to learn or to show or to say. and i'm hear wondering how you really feel. constantly wondering how you really feel and to just stop getting the "what do you want me to say" or "i don't know what to say" or the "i dont' know" response that i've gotten so accustommed to. Do you really love me? do you feel it? if i didn't try to hold you, would you hold me? if i didn't try to kiss you, would you kiss me? if i didn't try to be initimate with you, would you touch me? if i didn't love you the way you love me, would you still love me anyway? I'm starting to think i might have to make a change and hpoefully be happier in that change and if not then what do i lose? my mind is playing tricks on me and i know its not entirely your fault but i do know that you enable my doubts and concerns. and i know you say you are going to try and be different but then nothing changes and when i bring it up to you, you only agree with me. to what end? to appease me? is this all to appease me? but then who benefits from that? where is the change? tell me, "yes, i have changed and this is how i feel i've changed." where am i going? what am i doing? feeling lost never felt so confusing... if love was enough if love was the cure would you still be able to cure me?

wait for me

Patience is a virtue. Its a virtue. Its a virtue to be patient. But I just can't tell you how to love me anymore. I just can't keep hoping your just going to get it. I know I have to just accept you for who you are. but i'm starting to see that waiting for you is like waiting for me. waiting to see if i've had enough. waiting to see if this is still what i want. am i afraid of the break? or more afraid to be without you? You tell me you want me, but I wouldn't know. I try to hold on to things you do when you do something meaningful to show me you care. But they are so far and few between sometimes that at this very moment, I am questioning the love. you tell me you love me but is it out of habit? there is nobody I would rather hold. and its all at the tip of your tongue, and its making me crazy. love doesn't mean anything unless there's something worth fighting for. and its a beautiful war. I keep holding on to hope. wrapped in a little faith. I see destiny among the fog and somewhere in the midst of everything you're still there wanting me. and i'm still here believing you. but give me something. give me something to believe in you. because i am your woman and i need you to be my man.

Falling

It was like having a panic attack. When all the fear, frustrations, anger, and love come to a head and everything starts slipping through your fingers so fast that you can't grab them. I need to just take a breather. I just needed a moment to get my thoughts together. I need a moment to see how deep my love goes. I'm thankful you understood that much. I took it too far at first, but with some deliberation I came to terms with the idea that I just need to gather myself. The first day was like losing it. My stomach hurt, I felt sick, I didn't know how to feel and all at once this whole panic came that I was going to lose you. Not because of you, but because of me and this moment that I needed. I lost sight of your understanding. But with a some words, some walking, and a clear head I came to realize the issues at hand. I am too critical at times. I know i can be. I know I am because of the life i've had thus far. I never know what's going to happen to me and there's more to that sentence then i'm obviously letting on. But I am critical of you because of probably how critical i am of myself. I'm learning how tired I am of feeling like i'm just not good enough. and sometimes you do make me feel that way. When you can't open up to me or trust me with your words, I start to feel it in my bones. But this is something you know you need to work on. We both have things to deal with. and like i said, at this moment in our relationship, we're building the foundation for the rest of our lives and if that means dealing with these things now so 10 years down the road they're irrelevant then so be it. But I think we both came to the conclusion that even after all this, we aren't letting go. That isn't an option right now. And the last thing we want. Following that, the bump continued to be a bump, until it just wasn't. until you really started trying and i started recognizing that, and i realized i was changing the things i wanted to change. being more conscious of everything. Now i feel like the love is stronger, and although there is still a long road ahead. it just feels more solid. and sometimes we have to go through these bumps to do that, but i'm okay with that as long as we can just discuss, say how we feel, and understand each other even if its an agree to disagree. because with our stubbornness that will happen more than not. Love with you was always the definite indefinite His letters come with a side of unrequited love. A friendship torn by the idea that one cared more than the other. A friendship some might not understand why i've maintained for so many years. He was never a love interest in my eyes because we just didn't get along enough for that. But a friendship always made sense. No matter what we were arguing about, or how much we didn't see eye to eye, he was always there for me. with no judgement about my character. He always accepted who I was even if he didn't agree with my opinions if that makes sense. She is right when she said the love letters were all about him. They were. and it didn't surprise me. but to tell you me you finished the song and i wasn't the only inspiration to the song that was supposed to be for me 7 years later. I listen and I read the lyrics and it is a love song for me but not because of me? this is why it never grew to be more than the love words you tried to give me and keep away from me all at the very same time. and why you will consistently continue to be....my friend.

Beautiful Ugly

when I was growing up, I was not the pretty girl. I was not the popular girl. I was not the girl that anyone noticed. Three people told me I was beautiful: my mom, my grandma, and my aunt. But that wasn't to say I wasn't okay with who I was and what I looked like. I knew i was never going to be like any of the other girls. I knew I was different. It wasn't until I started growing up and developing that all of that started to change. I remember the first time a boy told me I was beautiful. It wasn't my first boyfriend who tried to change everything about me and for years made me feel insecure about myself. It was the one after him. The one I later grew to hate and not give a shit about. He was the one that did it, when he still loved me. He told me constantly how beautiful I was. Then he broke me. The next one came and he was everything I could've hoped to have. He told me constantly I was beautiful. He held me so dear and he loved me so hard. But there was no communication. and the intimacy wasn't there. eventually, I had been pushed so far, there was nothing left for me to grasp onto. So I left. and I broke him. The next one took me for everything I had. The next one made me believe I could do better. That I need to up the ante on my looks. He told me I was beautiful but when I dressed up and realized it was for something. It was like positive reinforcement. Then he broke me in a way I had never been broken before and from there. I stopped trying. I stopped caring. and then I met you. I knew you cared more than I did and you knew that I was never going to be the woman that tries. But you accepted that, or so I thought. I guess I kind of always figured at some point or another it would come up. And it did. and it made me feel like that was the lack luster in our intimacy. So I picked up the pace. I tried. and all i've ever gotten is "nice". That's it. I am to the point where I think I will most likely never hear you tell me I'm beautiful and maybe that's because you don't think I am. At least, I don't feel like you think I am. Its like talking about my dad all over again. The man couldn't say a nice thing about me if you had him tied to a chair with a gun to his head. Is that you? is that going to be you? are you ever going to finally open up? and if not, am i okay with that? my first answer is no. I'm not. I'm trying to be patient. But I don't want to give all this and then still have nothing change. You have made a lot of steps in the right direction and I credit and appreciate you for it. But I don't think you'll ever understand how it feels to have a complete stranger tell me i'm beautiful and never hear the words slip fro your lips and i'm stuck in the middle of it. I'm trying. But will I ever be beautiful to you? or will i always ever be just "nice"?

when it all falls down

So he asked me the meaning of it. I explained everything. The fact that through all the moments in my life. Whether they be good or bad, I've had to know myself. I've had to keep myself together because I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted out of life. This is something for me. This is my bade of honor for who I am. I don't know any better way to explain it. I have these times when my gut is telling me something is wrong. Lately, I've been feeling like there's someone else. I know it could just be an insecurity along with everything else I'm going through right now. But it just feels like there's someone else. I have no proof and no real reason to be thinking differently except for the fact that he doesn't touch me the way he used to. Its ironic that I think back to the one that loved me so much but was worse with that stuff. I would have never thought there was someone else. I always knew it was because he was tired. Which has me questioning why I might think there's someone else with him. Why can't I completely trust him? Maybe because a part of me does think that he might get scared again and do something stupid. But maybe I'm now doing something stupid thinking this because I'm scared. I'm afraid of losing him. I think because a part of me always felt like he was the one. He IS the one. I know that's why I'm so afraid of losing him, an that's because I lose just about everyone even when I have nothing to do with it. I know there's a lot on my mind and I'm kind of unraveling a little bit. But here I m writing this, needing him when I'm feeling so helpless and I still haven't heard a thing since earlier today. Especially since he knew that I had a panic attack earlier. The fact that his relationship changed overnight with no warning is probably a part of it. My heart goes out to him. I don't know how you go from planning a wedding from one night to being single the next and having to start all over. I know its possible nada I'm glad he's finally feeling better. But I know if that was me I would be devastated. I feel like I'm at a loss. I want to write about the things happening right now, but I feel like my mind is falling so deep inside of me. I feel so empty right now and I'm so sad he doesn't seem... Too busy thinking Love is a gun. There is a storm in my heart.

Heaven

There are these times that I think of where I could be and I realize it was never meant for me. This past week it was made clear that I was losing my hair. There was one spot that grew over time until you could see my scalp. It was terrifying. My hair has always been a huge part of my identity. It's the first thing anyone notices about me and its alwys been my favorite feature. It's a huge part of who I am and losing it makes me feel like i'm constantly losing a part of myself. Everytime I even grab my hair with my hands and feel that its less, a fear runs through my veins and I don't know how to make it stop. I'm afraid to wash or brush my hair. All I think about is cancer. I know that's just my mind playing tricks on me. I tried to retrace my steps. think of recent events and see where I went wrong. Where it was trying to give me a hint I needed to relax. was it that I told him I wanted to move in with him and he said he wasn't ready? that wasn't the problem. I think it might have been that it took him 6 months to tell me. I think because when I need him to tell me i'm beautiful. he just can't. he won't. and a part of that breaks my heart. I know he loves me dearly and utterly and I know he isn't a vocal person. the books told me everything I wanted to know but I think I shot myself in my own foot when I asked for that. the other side of that coin just reminded me that these were all of the things he could not say. I do think about that i'm going to be 28 this year and next year I will be 29 and for years after that you still won't be ready. I've fallen deep into all of this but you haven't. you've gone through the surface as far as your comfortable with because its foreign territory, but the practicality isn't always there and I just have to be understand. but you aren't understanding or unwavering. you are stubborn and you think too much and then I start losing my hair. the trouble they see makes me ache. I wanted them to have a good home and only put them in a dysfunctional one because I couldn't take them myself. I wish I had the means to give them everything they could ever want and need but I just don't and I cant only do what I can and hope God sees them. Not everything is bad though. I think i'm focusing on it because I want to do something about it. ut things are fine right now. i'm working and making money doing something I don't necessarily love but its working out and the new artists I manage are doing well for the moment and will do well soon. very soon. i'm going to make something of myself as I have always strived to do. I just wish this hair thing would resolve itself. I need yoga and a prayer