finding bliss

in the midst of what's in front of me. I start to notice that the closer it gets to 4 months the more scared I get. I keep trying to let go of what happened to me in the past so that I can move forward with you. But somewhere in the back of my mind I keep remembering his ticking clock and I keep hearing it in the back of my mind. I want to let it go I really do, but last night when you kissed me in that way you do I felt something in my chest. And it was a feeling that hasn't been there in quite sometime. she said its something that's always been there, but that i've finally lost the ability to bullshit myself. She might be right and I might have finally stopped preventing myself from feeling anything or at least realizing I had any feelings. There are things I notice that make me feel a little relaxed about the situation. One of those would be that you recognize the little things. You remember that its the 3rd. You take notice of my needs and wants and take everything into consideration. But I also take into consideration everything you've told me. I know this is still too early for you and I'm starting to understand it more now that i've gained some insight. and I will let it rock for as long as I can. But I do have a place where I cross the line because I just can't get wrapped up in something like i've done in the past. There is a part of myself that just can't invest my feelings that way. I've noticed that you do things differently. I'm used to the regular charming way guys who never take things seriously tend to say or do. You have never been that way, and although sometimes I'm a little erked by the things you say, for the most part i appreciate the honesty. I'm hoping for things to exceed. I need to be in a better place in my life and i'm trying. I really am. I am getting support where i need it. I am so tired of people saying, "Why don't you ask your man?" and it almost makes me sad that an automatic response for a woman to need money for something is to ask her man for the money. The last thing I want to do is ask my man for money. But maybe that's just me. I'd rather just work my ass off and earn it myself. And with all of my hard work lately I haven't exactly seen the fruits of my labor, but it is just the beginning. I'm on the verge of all of this becoming something bigger than me. And when it does, I am hopeful that it will work out. I have to keep my faith. It's the only thing I have to depend on right now.