Falling

It was like having a panic attack. When all the fear, frustrations, anger, and love come to a head and everything starts slipping through your fingers so fast that you can't grab them. I need to just take a breather. I just needed a moment to get my thoughts together. I need a moment to see how deep my love goes. I'm thankful you understood that much. I took it too far at first, but with some deliberation I came to terms with the idea that I just need to gather myself. The first day was like losing it. My stomach hurt, I felt sick, I didn't know how to feel and all at once this whole panic came that I was going to lose you. Not because of you, but because of me and this moment that I needed. I lost sight of your understanding. But with a some words, some walking, and a clear head I came to realize the issues at hand. I am too critical at times. I know i can be. I know I am because of the life i've had thus far. I never know what's going to happen to me and there's more to that sentence then i'm obviously letting on. But I am critical of you because of probably how critical i am of myself. I'm learning how tired I am of feeling like i'm just not good enough. and sometimes you do make me feel that way. When you can't open up to me or trust me with your words, I start to feel it in my bones. But this is something you know you need to work on. We both have things to deal with. and like i said, at this moment in our relationship, we're building the foundation for the rest of our lives and if that means dealing with these things now so 10 years down the road they're irrelevant then so be it. But I think we both came to the conclusion that even after all this, we aren't letting go. That isn't an option right now. And the last thing we want. Following that, the bump continued to be a bump, until it just wasn't. until you really started trying and i started recognizing that, and i realized i was changing the things i wanted to change. being more conscious of everything. Now i feel like the love is stronger, and although there is still a long road ahead. it just feels more solid. and sometimes we have to go through these bumps to do that, but i'm okay with that as long as we can just discuss, say how we feel, and understand each other even if its an agree to disagree. because with our stubbornness that will happen more than not. Love with you was always the definite indefinite His letters come with a side of unrequited love. A friendship torn by the idea that one cared more than the other. A friendship some might not understand why i've maintained for so many years. He was never a love interest in my eyes because we just didn't get along enough for that. But a friendship always made sense. No matter what we were arguing about, or how much we didn't see eye to eye, he was always there for me. with no judgement about my character. He always accepted who I was even if he didn't agree with my opinions if that makes sense. She is right when she said the love letters were all about him. They were. and it didn't surprise me. but to tell you me you finished the song and i wasn't the only inspiration to the song that was supposed to be for me 7 years later. I listen and I read the lyrics and it is a love song for me but not because of me? this is why it never grew to be more than the love words you tried to give me and keep away from me all at the very same time. and why you will consistently continue to be....my friend.