just move forward

it was like something that i can hardly explain. finally reaching that point i had worked so hard for. there was something to be said about the way i was sitting there looking for my family and realizing this was it. the most emotional part being when we were told to move our tassels from the right to the left. because here i was the first. here i was after years of working through all the endless struggles. talking to her on the phone i know we both wished so bad we could be there together. because she knows everything. she knows every bit of it. from one bad thing to the next. i should have given up. the smart thing would have been to give up. but i didn't. i dind't because i refuse to let my hardships define who i am. i will find happiness from all this struggle. there will come a day when i find everything i've been trying so hard for. just like finding love through heart break. it is completely possible. wishing is only the half of it. the other half is actually making your own dreams come true and i did that this weekend. this weekend i made one of my dreams come true and i'm not really surprised because when it comes to me, i always do everything i set out to do.

i was so happy to have the most important people of my life here with me this weekend to celebrate. but i was thrown by the the emotions he showed. usually in that situation i get really clammed up and uncomfortable in a weird way, but this time i didn't. if i hadn't been driving i would have hugged him for a long while but all i could do was hold his hand. i always wonder how much i mean to him and then i realize i'm almost stupid for wondering. the card was touching in a genuine kind of way. the fact that it was that song on vinyl meant a lot to me. its definitely top 3 for our songs. or at least a close second. after the way he was with everything this weekend i really got to see how much i really mean to him and i love it don't get me wrong i think its amazing but at the same time it almost confuses me more. you know i'm the real love you've been looking for but you want to wait longer when it might end up leaving. but then again i tell myself that if it was meant to be it will happen but we make things happen for ourselves. that's why God gave us free will, so that we would be able to experience sincere love. and in that free will we have to make decisions.

so after having this amazing day and night with my friends who are really more like my family and i'm the most drunk i think i've ever been. and he was there to take me upstairs and take care of me when i was sick i felt very grateful. i knew someone would take care of me no matter what but i would rather have him taking care of me. i keep trying to remember things that i said and i remember some stuff and not everything. i mean that's not such a bad thing but i remember saying something really serious to him that i don't take or say lightly and i can't remember what he said back which has me a little curious but it doesn't matter now since it might be better to say it when i'm sober and aware of what will be said.

all in all it was an amazing weekend having my family here. showing my grandmother my tattoo and having her cry out of the emotional and sentimental feelings she felt seeing it. i was happy it meant something to her the same way it means something to me. she is the world to me and for her to know that i would do something like that for her and have it mean so much to her, really makes it all worth it. i'm never ashamed of what i did or who cares about it because it wasn't for anyone else but us and she loves it.

i really wish my best friend could have been here to share all of this with me but i know if she could've been she would have been here to cheer me on which is why even the phone call was enough for me. because i know she cares and this means just as much for her as it does for me because when its her turn i will do my best to be there and be the loudest cheering her on knowing everything she's had to go through.

now i just have to keep moving forward with myself. as i always do. hoping for the best achieving everything i can for myself. i will keep going with the hopes that love and happiness follow because that's always been the way i live my life. ready for love and happiness. the heart break sucks along the way but its the only way to get to the point of being completely grateful and satisfied with a love worth being amazing. so angel find me soon and tell me you love me.