begin again

i feel so much more scared now than i did before. i guess because i finally let myself admit to me n probably him too, that im in love. its been some time but it scares me more now than before cause i feel like there's so much more at stake. like there this huge balloon of hurt over my head thats ready to pop at any time n come pouring all over me. i know its completely pessimistic and not like me. but when he turns to me and asks whats holding me back, i cant say "you. because im in love with you." i just have to say "i dont know". because it isnt the right moment to say it and i dont think he's ready for me to say it and how do i say it to someone who isnt even really with me? i guess i've never been one to really follow rules but at the same time thats why there's this huge opportunity for hurt.

here i am wanting to pour my heart out to someone who can just turn around and walk away. someone who could be involved with someone else right now for all i know. but in the same respect is that how i see him? its really not i guess i just dont want to let myself go. we both hold back in an obvious way.