together.

its like this all incompassing feeling that constantly has me feeling like something is kicking me deep in my chest and i want to get it out so bad and i just don't know how. i want to tell him so bad but i just don't. i just can't in some weird way. its like if i say something i'm afraid he's going to curl up away from me. so far away from me. and i don't know if i can take that. i don't know if its in me to let me change what things are right now because i don't know what he's going to say and i don't know what he's going to do. and these feelings won't go away. its like i can see the words in my head just blinking and blinking. its driving me crazy and he looks at me and sometimes i can swear he sees it in me. but then i looj away hoping that i haven't given myself away. i hope i'm still hiding so much inside of me of how i really feel because i'm so afraid. and these feelings won't go away. i can feel them knocking inside me. and i just can't . i don't know how long i can keep them hidden inside of me and not say anything at all. she says it will just come out and it will be meant for that time but how do i know that that time isn't now and i sholdn't just let it all out because its meant to just be now. a sufficient amount of time has passed. and sometmimes i want to think that he feels it too. sometimes he frusturates me so much with the things that he says an di'm trhown back into this space in my head that i can't always seem to get out of. i don' tknow how much i care about myself in this circumstance because i'm so worried about how he'll react. and i want to make it so perfect. i think of ways that i can tell him in the right places at thre right moment at the right time in the right place. but what does that all matter if i'm just trying to say how i feel. its all there in me anyways and if he knew me at all wouldn't he know by now? am i really hiding things that well that he can't know just how much i'm in love with him. if i could just say i love you this would all just go away. and i fight it so mucha nd i hide it so well. but i just don't know how much longer i can do all that. i want to just et it all out and get on with my life. because whether or not he feel sthe same way at least by then i'll know. at least at that very moment all will be revealed. because God knows just how much i love him. because my heart feels it so much every time he touches me. every time he's near me. and i just can't tell him just how much it kills. me.