lifted

there are these moments that i swear i've found a new part of myself that can let go of things a lot easier than i've fooled myself to believe. but i just can't because here i am trying to grasp to realize that some things evolve without me and that's okay. it really is and i feel ok without feeling okay. that doesn't make sense but talking backwards ust makes sense to me for the most part. i have been hit with blow after blow too close together. I can take a hit but when they keep coming at me, i just need a chance to breathe before i can take another one. everything went well to catch you up. we travelled, we met everyone, families were exchanged and it went the way i could have only hoped it would. except when she's sitting ont he other line telling me she is completey surprised he contains enough patience to digest the person that i am. i'm holding the phone in my hand trying not to chuck it at the floor because i can't afford to buy a new one right now. I want to just push them so far away from me. but i know that it means me...means....i don't know what it means. he tells me its lies but it only solidifies the insecurities i have. its only human for me to be vulnerable but sometimes its just so human. i want to let it all go and at the moment i find myself bottled up in my mind. i've let go of certain assumptions but i hold on to doubts when i've let myself go. i leave myself wide open around him and although i only needed to say it that one time. i find myself wanting to say it. its still there marinating in my mind but i have to just leave it alone. and at least letting it out that one time will hold me over. i can't rush and i won't push. but i'm also not going to stop being me. this is just the way i am and this is just how it is. she prepares for the moment in her life that she's been waiting for and i am so excited for her of course. i am so excited for that moment with her, but these days have taken so much out of my energy that i regret i'm not as overly excited as i would be if i wasn't in this state of mind right now. but of course i love her more than i love most people. but my mind is tired and i know she knows that. so i will stay up for hours looking for the right dress just to make her happy. because all i want is for her to be happy. i'm going to let go of these feelings. i'm not going to go back to the idea that i'm numb from the inside out. there is a person in here. and although i've hidden myself from myself. i need to stop. i need to let it all out and be who i am for myself. because i can overcome any of these obstacles at the moment. i could easily fall back into a state of hopelessness. but i know better than anyone that i've had worse. this is a cake walk compared to everything else i've been through. especially when its that time of the year to go see the doctor. and that only means one thing....